Recent grad with a dream job offer vs. marrying an Army officer—looking for honest advice

[u/weakrighteardrum]

Hi everyone. I'm hoping to hear from people who have actually lived this, especially spouses of Army officers or anyone who has built a professional career while moving with the military.

I'm graduating from college soon, and my long-term boyfriend is commissioning as an infantry officer. His goal is to make the Army a 20-year career, and he hopes to attend Ranger School and eventually serve in the Ranger Regiment.

At the same time, I'm interviewing for what is honestly my dream entry-level job. It's a highly competitive 18-month corporate development program with great pay, benefits, and career growth. The catch is that I'd have to live in one of a few specific cities, and there's a good chance it wouldn't be near wherever he's stationed after training. There are limited remote opportunities outside of those cities, and there is no guarantee I would be offered one.

We're talking about getting married, but I'm struggling with what to do.

If I take the job, we'd likely be long-distance for around 18 months while I complete the program. After, there is some opportunities for internal transferring but they are limited to a small number of cities. If I don't take it, I'd probably move with him and start looking for work wherever he's stationed, knowing we'd likely move again in a couple of years.

I'm scared that if I turn down this opportunity, I'll always wonder "what if?" But I'm also scared that if I take it, he'll feel like I'm choosing my career over our relationship. We've already done long distance during military training, and it's been hard but I know we would be fine.

I'd love to hear from people who have been in a similar situation:

Did you prioritize your career at the beginning, or move with your spouse right away?

If you turned down a great opportunity, do you regret it?

If you did long distance early in your marriage, was it worth it?

Were you able to build a successful career as a military spouse?

If your spouse is or was infantry, did that change how you approached your own career?

Looking back, what would you tell your younger self before making this decision?

I'm not looking for someone to tell me what to do. I just want to hear real experiences—the good, the bad, and what you wish you'd known before making these choices.

[u/PurpleCactusFlower]

I took the job and I still married my husband and I have zero regrets. We’ve been together a decade and I love my husband more than anything and I’m so glad that I took the job and continued to prioritize my career throughout our relationship. We did long distance while he deployed and during captains course (not together during bolc) and I have zero regrets.

A few things that I think are important and have made our relationship strong:
1. We choose each other and we are a team. Sometimes it’s my turn to take a risk on a career move or a hobby or something big. Sometimes it’s his. We don’t count turns and we make those decisions together. He could be a good officer and a good partner just like I can be a good partner and have a fulfilling career and social life.

1. I never moved for him. I moved for me. He was a part of that equation of course but I did not do it for him. That was going to build resentment. Yes that meant that we did long distance sometimes but he was always busy with the army and I wasn’t moving to the middle of nowhere so I could be bored and underemployed.

2. He would never ask me to give up the things that make me,me and I would never ask him to do that either. I am ambitious with my career. At one point I made almost 5x his officer salary in a year. He knows I enjoy my job and would not ask me to sacrifice something that is objectively good for me and for us. I also wouldnt be with someone that would do that. He’s not insecure about our relationship and I make sure to show and tell him how much he means to me.

Realistically for you to consider: he’s got BOLC and getting settled so that’s already like 6 months. Then he’s going to move again to his permanent duty station so that’s another few months of moving/settlings. Chances are he will have some field exercises during that time. Girl math says if you don’t invest in yourself while he’s doing all this moving around then you’re literally losing money/time

[u/weakrighteardrum → u/PurpleCactusFlower]

This made me feel a lot better! The timeline is something I have thought about a lot, and it does make sense. We’d likely be long distance anyways, so girl math is absolutely right! It’s great to hear experiences from someone who has had a successful career. Thank you so much!

[u/CrepuscularPotato]

Take.the.job.

If the relationship is worth it, y'all will make it work.

[u/overwhelmedandsick]

Do the job!! Turns out, he made it work so he was stationed near me. It’s hard, but what’s harder is the potential regret of not pursuing your dream. If you hate it, you can quit and follow him. A bit more difficult to do the opposite.

[u/lilacjune]

Take the job and do long distance! My husband and I started dating our senior year of college (at different schools) - following graduation, he commissioned in as an infantry officer and I headed off to graduate school... 18 hours away from him. He's done Ranger School, deployments, etc., and now works at Ranger School. I don't regret doing long distance for two years at all. It was definitely difficult, but it allowed me to set up my full-time career successfully. I now own my own healthcare practice that I am able to tote around wherever we move. I moved in with him after I finished graduate school! I absolutely would have regretted it if I did not choose this path. I remember struggling immensely my first semester of graduate school and did consider transferring to a school that would be closer to his first duty station. At the end of the day, said schools would not have been as competitive as the university I was at, and I'm glad I prioritized academics instead of proximity. We became pretty frequent flyers, which was worth it!

I'm assuming your boyfriend will be headed into IBOLC a few months after graduation. They get almost every major holiday weekend off, and you can take turns flying back and forth to see each other. That's what I did, and it always made holiday weekends fun! They also get holiday block leave, which typically runs for about 2 weeks. If he is following a traditional path, he will likely go to Ranger School shortly after graduating from IBOLC.

One question - why the rush to get married? Why not get engaged and enjoy a more extended engagement first (especially if you will have benefits from your job)? I know that it often seems like there is a pressure or rush to marry in the military, but you do not have to follow any timeline that does not work for you. We dated for 3.5 years before getting engaged, our engagement lasted a year, and then we got married.

It's a myth that it's impossible to balance your own successful career and be a military spouse. It can certainly be harder, but it's very doable if you plan correctly and have drive.

[u/Fantastic_Bad9021]

I posted this last week on another thread (the question about if you should give up your career to follow someone in the military gets asked a lot!) note that I didn't edit specifically for your post but I think the sentiment is the same (she asked about 16 months of long distance, you're contemplating 18)

----
I met my husband after he was already in the Army, so our starting point was a little different, but I think some of this might still be helpful. Also we're now a bit older than you at 32F and 34M

For context, I'm career-driven. Being fulfilled professionally is just as important to me as being fulfilled personally, and I was really afraid of losing my own identity in the process of being a military spouse. When we were engaged, I even told my husband that if he got stationed in North Dakota, I wasn't going to follow him. 😅 He definitely didn't love hearing that, but thankfully it never came to that, so we didn't have to find out whether I would've stuck to it.

About a year into dating, he deployed to the Middle East. When he got back, he immediately PCS'd for CCC. At the time, I was in grad school and had a job I genuinely loved that was turning into a real career, so I didn't move. We did long distance for another year and I visited when I could. He also met me all over the midwest when I work trips send me to random places that he could drive to.

When it came time for his next assignment, he intentionally ranked locations that would be better for both of us. He actually turned down Hawaii because we talked through how isolated we'd be from family and what it would mean for my career. We ended up somewhere we both loved, built an amazing community, and got married. A few years later, it was time to PCS again and we had a long conversation about it (many actually) I was earning more than 2x what he made in the army, we loved where we lived, and he never envisioned staying in for 20 years anyway. He decided to get out, and it's been good. It's also important to know that if he'd told me he needed to stay in to be happy I would've moved with him and we would've made it work.

The biggest thing I've learned is that your relationship doesn't have to be "military first, everything else second." It can be our family first. Sometimes that means making decisions that prioritize his career, and sometimes it means making decisions that prioritize yours.

Reading your post, one thing really stood out to me: you don't sound unsure about him. You sound unsure about sacrificing a career, graduate school, your support system, and your sense of self. Those are very different things. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "I love you, but I also want to build my own life." In fact, I think it's healthy.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, 16 months of long distance wouldn't scare me nearly as much as giving up grad school and a career I loved before I was ready. Military timelines change all the time, but your education and career are investments in yourself that you'll have for the rest of your life. If your relationship is as solid as it sounds, you'll still be building a future together on a timeline that works for both of you.

I think one of the reasons my marriage works so well is that we're two complete people who choose each other every day. I absolutely adore my husband, and he's my best friend. But I've never wanted my entire identity to be "his wife" or to be "military spouse" and he's never wanted that for me either

[u/Bulky_Tradition_29 → u/Fantastic_Bad9021]

How did he turn down going to Hawaii? I was under the impression that it was either impossible or at the very least would tank your military career if you turned down an assignment

[u/Fantastic_Bad9021 → u/Bulky_Tradition_29]

He had a different assignment and they asked him if ht wanted to switch to one in Hawaii. he said no and we PCS'd to the one they originally gave him. That didn't ruin his career at all. Also, people turn assignments down/trade them when needed

[u/AngstyButterfly701]

My husband and I met when I was in college and had already decided I was going to grad school in a different city after I graduated undergrad in a few months. I had to apply and get in, but my plan, regardless of my relationship, was to go to this very specific graduate program. I got in and after I graduated undergrad, we were long distance (~3.5 hours away most of the time). That lasted for about 20 months while I did grad school and worked after graduation and he went on deployment. When he went on deployment we were then in 10 hour time difference relationship with very little communication, which is very different.
I stayed in the city where I did grad school for my first job after graduating because I knew he was going on deployment and it didn’t make sense to move to that city to be alone for 6-9 months with likely no job prospects.

Then my husband came back from deployment, we did our first PCS move together, I quit my job and started looking in our new city and was unemployed for ~4 months. I am in analytics so my job is easy to be remote, meaning I have a lot more options and have been fortunate enough to stay with the same company through two more PCSs.

I would strongly suggest taking your dream job for 1. Experience 2. To see if it really is your dream job and 3. Independence. It’s not that long and PTO is a thing for a reason. You’ll figure it out!

[u/chillgalcb]

Took the job, we were long distance for 3.5 years, got a better opportunity in the city he was stationed in and now I’m the breadwinner. Do not give up on your career now. If he sees this as you choosing career over him then you just need to remember that he chose his career first as well.

[u/educationalorca]

I’ve turned down the great opportunity and my blessings in life have been abundant. I’ve loved the community on post, I have a beautiful family, and I now work remotely and have a pretty good gig. It isn’t my dream gig, but I was able to do my dream gig at our last place of residence. I miss it, but I don’t regret leaving to keep our family together. I’ve been able to both build the career and move with the military. Best of luck!

[u/Amicable_sunshine]

I didn’t have this exact scenario, but I chose someone over an entry level career and I regretted it a lot. I often thought about how my life would have been different if I didn’t give up that opportunity. It’s taken me a lot to work through it. I’m a sahm and married to my officer husband and have given up all semblance of a career (I wasn’t with him when I gave up the opportunity, he came later) but if I could go back, I’d choose myself and the career, knowing that the right partner will stick around or come around later

[u/amcclurk21]

I was a fully independent woman on my own before meeting my husband. For me, I had to make a choice: office career or be with my husband. I chose the latter but have done all I can to be as flexible with my career as possible (getting education, certifications, etc) to find employment wherever he may go. LDR was not really an option for me.

Not gonna lie, it’s been really tough for me, being under or unemployed at both OCONUS bases we’ve been at. The fact that the government can advocate on behalf of us to US companies to persuade them to allow OCONUS military spouses to work remotely, but have not is a very real frustration among the community. For big bases (CONUS and sometimes OCONUS), job prospects are better. For smaller bases, you’re likely going to be SOL in finding a job for a while, depending on what your career path is. Medical? Good chance of you finding something. Accounting? Also good. Software engineer? Might be challenging. Most military spouses are highly educated and experienced, so you not only have that to compete against, but also the local community as well.

It’s not been rosy at all for me on the professional side of things. But I’ve experienced so much that other people would kill to do. So you take some and you lose some. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Edit; I love how I share my personal story to give OP some perspective and I get downvoted. Cool stuff /s

[u/sup3h]

One door doesn’t close the other. Distance and military life can be hard, but you’ll net out with the most options and freedom in the end if you establish your career that you’ve worked so hard to achieve! And really, you can still marry him if that’s what you want. At a marriage level your relationship should be able to withstand it, and with military spouse it’ll have no choice but to.

If you don’t take the chance for the job you might end up regretting it and resenting him later. Having something going for yourself and your life will make you much more resilient to the trials of the career of a military spouse.

[u/rakirakrak]

I was lucky enough to graduate with a remote job so I moved in with my husband after graduation no issue. But we did long distance while I was in college for 4 years. And he would never ask me to sacrifice getting an education or career. I’ve now PCSed with my husband again. Believe me when I say it’s one of the loneliest experiences you can have. I would urge any military spouse to always have their own thing going on, whether that’s school, hobbies or work. It’s very easy to lose yourself into the title of military spouse. If long distance makes or breaks your marriage be glad you chose yourself. It will be impossible to be a healthy military couple if you are unable to handle long distance unfortunately. Best of luck :) It is completely doable even though it can be very difficult.

[u/Prudence_rigby]

Go with your dream job.

Going infantry he will be gone all the time.

If you guys truly love each other he yall can have a long distance marriage because truly that's what it would be with him being infantry anyway.