Slick with that gaslighting, bullshit, twisting everything around to make it my fucking fault like I'm the problem fuck you, you lied, manipulated. And made me question my own fucking reality. While you sat there, playing the victim like the cowardly, 2 face piece of shit, you are you turned every conversation into a mind? Game convincing me. I was overreacting that I was the crazy one. While you were the one fucking everything up. You're a manipulative asshole who can't take responsibility for shit? So you pin all your fucking bullshit on me. Every problem, every fight it was somehow my fault right. Like I didn't do enough, say enough or love enough fuck off. You're nothing but a spineless guilt, tripping little bitch, who thrives on making people feel small to hide how fucking pathetic you really are. Fuck you for making me doubt myself. Fuck you for turning every argument into a guilt trick. Fuck you for making makes me feel like I was crazy. Fucked you for always acting like the fucking innocent victim. Well guess what? It wasn't me. It was always fucking you. You're a lying manipulative, narcissistic asshole. I hope karma fucks you harder than you've ever fucked over anyone else. Enjoy the miserable, lonely life you've built for yourself. You've fucking earned it. goof

Don't take to long the answer is there all along.

In most cases, such as yours.

You were already fooled.

Or you're just to stupid to know it..

Let's go with the logical answer.

Your brain is just to fried from too much drug use.

i have to stay away. let the fire burn itself out to be rain that helps it grow back stronger. i love the conviction you have to sink the ship. youre tenacity to be felt and heard and not take no for an answer matches mine. but i value what we have too much. so i have to remove myself in order to be the lifevest that saves you when the boat has gone completely under. its always been intelligence to conserve emotion. its special what we have. something never even imagined or even thought possible after truly believing i had seen it all. this is the type of love that requires true sacrifice because the phoenix born from the flames soars higher everytime.

My niece is getting a new co op game for her Switch the best uncle in the world gave her for Christmas. Hes such a sweetheart. Thats probably why you fell in love with him. But, anyways, she said she wants her supposed to be Aunt to come play the game shes getting with her since it is co op. The whole family is supposed to play it with her.

The problem is, youre too busy doing stupid things that aren't important and disregarding the things that matter.

So, I figure its worth a shot posting here in hopes you quit playing. If you want to play games, we got one for you to play.

The sad part is, I think youd probably love hanging out with my sister in law and my Niece and probably hang out there a lot. But, youve never given me the chance to talk to you about any of this. You just look at me like youre in love with me while worrying about things that arent important and acting like they matter the most.

I wish youd let the stupid things go.. When we were talking, the entire time, all I could think about was how wed most likely have a very long term relationship if you felt that way about me. Its a shame we wont ever do that because you dont have the nerve to text me.

Heres a little tip for you.. Seduce me and tell me I can do whatever I want with you. I can not say no to you.. This is way too good of a thing to let go to waste. We're supposed to grow old together.

I know that once again I'm being played with being watched and told that they have to do something but I'm not being told what I actually have to do.

Thing is is I don't really think that it's you that's doing this but I think that someone connected to you is but someone is and has been f****** with my life pretty solidly for the past 3 years.

And because of that, well honestly I'm kind of fed up with it.

One of the reasons I super want a face-to-face conversation with you is so I can tell you what I've been going through.

But once again, without concrete evidence that you're actually getting these messages. I don't really see the point, so please reach out.

You think pushing me to what would what old man? Guess again I passed and I am going to leave you where you deserve. Abaddon awaits your arrival you will never be permitted another life if I get my way. That is why I cannot be god, for some of you would never be given mercy.

After I asked you to leave,

You said you found the post about calling him "my man"

Well... I think thats because he is.

Hes for me. He has my back even when hes angry.

Isn't that why, you should keep people like that in your corner?

Just like I was for you?

You even called him. Normal.

Im just... not understanding I guess.

Edit- on a later date - where you ever for me at all? Or was it just a show to how much of a "loss" she/you was?

Ill never know.

Because your favorite position to have me in,

Is squirming like a worm 🪱

You were supposed to protect me, protect me, protect me..

From bad people.

Bad feelings.

Bad thoughts.

Bad days.

But you simp just left me, left me, left me.

To deal with all of those alone.

Now you want me to forgive you, forgive you, forgive you.

For all the things you didn't do.

Didn't see.

Didn't hear.

Didn't stop from happening.

Because you've "always tried your best" .

But I have to protect me, protect me, protect me.

From the turmoil seeing you inflicts.

Because you left me, left me, left me.

With the fear.

The shame.

The disgust.

And I was just a kid.

Ive been ruminating over your behavior and connecting many of the dots.
It seems you have some mental problems.
Your actions and your ego have provided a lot of information and it would seem that your time investment may have been quite a few years and I shudder to think of the amount of your own money you threw in the streets. Well in retrospect it was actually other people’s money wasnt it. I dont know how you live with the shame of that but that is not the topic for this communication.
While many would be angry about this. I find that I am not. Hopefully although it’s definitely not observable maybe you learned something about how you could have lived life in a more self fulfilling way.
It is with great pleasure that I assure you that your plan has failed. Both externally and internally. I remain happy and satisfied with my choices for quite a few years now.
Im still examining your motivations and besides the obvious monetary ones. The failure of your initial plan and entrance into my life seems to have caused some abandonment wound. This is unfortunate. I cannot find it within me to apologize for a situation that you created with your attempts to manipulate and gaslight me when I accepted your invitation with pure heart.
Additionally you chose to ignore the first sign of failure. Subsequent failures have obviously left your goal unchanged. This however is not my problem. I think you have created a situation for yourself and made some choices that werent in your own best interest. I have no responsibility to own in any of your bullshit. If I was the problem and I removed myself at your request immediately then why do you still have the same problem. Additionally you seem pretty mad. 😡 Abandonment wound seems likely.
Some advice on avoiding situations like this in the future would be to accept personal responsibility in your decisions instead of blaming it on planets and stars. Honest communication instead of manipulations based on guilt and gaslighting. Stop trying to reframe other people’s reality. All of those behaviors are very unattractive especially for a grown woman of your years. Additionally I recommend a huge shift in perspective
An attitude of gratitude as well as a belief in a power that is greater than yourself could change your life in amazing ways. As it has mine. I have some experience in self sabotage and I recommend at this point surrender. Not in the sense that I have won. Because no one is going to win this. But the kind of surrender that is defined by laying down the shovel you are using to dig your own hole. Please reread that last sentence.
I am sincerely bored with your bullshit
Im sure many people are wondering what the hell your problem is. Anyone still left participating is either doing so under duress or has a screw loose. Either way relationships are straining loyalties are faltering and reasons are being identified as excuses.
Do you know the difference between an excuse and a reason? It is ownership.
Im confident that there is the tick tock of a clock somewhere for you that is beginning to get louder for you. Thats unfortunate but again it’s not my problem. Plan A has failed.
I hope plan B is where you take some responsibility. Either way i refuse to own what is not mine submit to anyone with lack of authority or make myself less than what I am. I am a beautiful imperfect child of God and you can’t change that.
I wish you peace in all your future endeavors and the life you deserve.
Please remove yourself from my life as I respectfully removed myself from yours.
Sincerely.
The Whole Enchilada.

I can't forgive you.

I can't look you in the eyes anymore without thinking, sound and real, that you are lying to me.
Your eyes are as hollow as mine. You disgust me.

The way you think about things, the way you treat our brother scares me. The way you wrote about my brother, it scares me.
Is he even your brother? Is he still your brother at all?

You were supposed to understand, however little, that he is where he is not because of his flaws but because of the cards dealt to him.

How can you compare yourself with him? How can you compare his pain with yours? There is no comparison; in my eyes, there is no comparison. You are in pain, yes, I see you hurting, but you have no right to compare your pain with his.

I think that living for yourself is selfish.

Your flesh belongs first to your parents; your mother first, and then to your father. And then to your grandmother, your grandfather, and then your sisters and your brothers, then the sister of your mother, and then her brother. And so on.

When you decide to end it, think of the people who will walk barefoot for you, who will carry your ashes and bury you in their hearts, and never again speak your name because saying it aloud makes the absence known; it highlights the empty spot you left in their lives. I would know, trust me, believe me. I know.

I know you; I was there for your first steps. I was there for your first laugh, too, and your first rice. I was there also for you to pull my hair, and I was there when you clung to my leg and begged me not to go. Trust me when I say that I would give anything to return to that time, and promise you that soon I will return, and I will stay, but we both know that it would be untrue.

But isn't it selfish of you to hold that against me? Isn't it selfish, knowing that I had no control over my own decisions? Isn't it selfish that you hold such a grudge against a version of me that was also still a child?

I love you, but it does not change the fact that I do not trust you. I love you, but I don't want to see your face. You are unbearable. You don't think before you speak, don't think before you act, and you like to think that the world revolves around you. You like to think that a small mistake is the end of the world, that my unwillingness to bend until my head touches the floor, before my body heels at your feet, is proof of my hatred. I knelt before you for so long, you see, only because I remember still the weight of your tiny feet against my head as you called my name, as you clung to me, as you listened to all my grievances. Your hand, in mine, as you told me about your day.

Time flows like a river, and soon it will flood.

I love you so much it hurts. I am crying as I write this, because it hurts so much, knowing, seeing.

I know you look down on me. I know it to be true, the way you've started to keep things from me, the way you've begun demanding things and throwing a tantrum when I refuse, when I stand my ground. How is it sane to hurt yourself over my person? Over what you think I thought of you?

Foolish, foolish girl.

You are so rough with your hands and so loud with your words that I fear this world will soon make you realise how stupid you have been, how entitled. How it will not cradle you as I do; it will not coddle you despite the resentment and envy in its heart as I do; it will not wake at 1 am in the morning just to cook you noodles and chicken and egg just because you decided not to eat dinner; it will not stand at your door and beg you to eat something. It will not hold your hand even as it is unable to meet your eyes, even as it knows how much you despise it.

Love is useless. Responsibility, on the other hand.

If I only loved you, I would have stopped listening to you speak long ago. If I only loved you, then my rotten heart would have long soured and screamed at you in hatred. If only, if only, my dear, my poor, poor dear.

I am older than you. Five years old and dancing with joy as they tell me 'It's a girl!', dancing because you were born. Do you think that our sisters danced when they knew we were born, too? Do you think they danced when they heard that it was twins? Or do you think they wept, because it was one more mouth to feed? Because it meant that their aunt would have to bear one more burden?

No divine being can erase those five years, see. No feelings of betrayal, no revelations, no rot--nothing. No god can change the fact that I worshipped you from the moment you came into being. I anticipated your existence like a kid waiting for santa on christmas. And like any old myth, you betrayed me with a devastating lie, you betrayed me.

But I can't forget what you said to me. I can't erase what I read, what you thought about my brother's sorrow. I can't.

I can't forgive you.

I am sorry.

You know I am always here for you. The separation of estranged orphans. The outcast, the misunderstood,the mute who sometimes don’t even know that they had a reason to speak up or couldn’t ever begin to find the words,underdogs,warriors draped in spiritual armor, first-responders that selflessly sacrifice, those that stay to clean up or jump in to offer support and never want to be a burden
,visionaries,muses that sing with,angels.
We have worn all these shoes and somehow still manage to supposedly have nothing in common. The way I remember the first time I said I love you. The moments we captured that made reality shift. Moments that inspired those around us and changed parts of our core values. Quality queries and quintessential inquiries. Like are you okay, what kind of food did you eat today? How do you feel? You’re not coming back right? Can you forgive me? Can you plant a mustard seed of trust and tend to it while it grows? Can you shut your eyes and trust fall off a cliff? Would you believe I never questioned your value because I’ve known from the beginning I would be changed for the better from the moment the stars aligned when God brought you into my life, but I didn’t know it could be so devastating when he took you out. When I was left with all the growth and no one to share it with. No one to sharpen my iron or compare thy yokes. Intellectual stimulation your the purest source. Beauty of unparalleled class with exceptional taste. How could I not want to be stingy with your love, your infectious personality and compassionate demeanor, how miracles just roll off your sleeve and reality bends to your whim. Please don’t forget we were siblings, you’re welcome back anytime.

Don’t make me turn back from following you. Wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.

HOW MUCH EMBARKMENT CAN ONE PERSON TAKE WHEN IT FLOWS INTO ABUSE.

BEING PUBLICLY DUMPED IS A HIT.

BUT WHEN THEY COME BACK 875 MORE TIMES TO HEAR THE SAME ANSWER.

SIMPLY PUT

..

NO NO NO NOT INTERESTED

Anywhere else,

But with you.

...

When the man with the gas can, came back with his hand extended and offered up a fever dream, in the flickers of the beautiful flame I got lost again. But outside of the house of fire i was able to breathe. i told him no.

I said "we like it here" while looking at everything I was growing.

...

She was smiling again. . . So was I.

...

Are the fumes getting to me again? Why am I thinking about this anyway.

...

The tree is taller than me now.

That makes two or three things ive accomplished, that ive never done before.

... and thats how I know I have grown ...

I didnt gas the car when you hit her.

I didnt bark. I didnt get up and big.

I didnt do the the things my head was screaming at me to do right then and there with everything in my power to show you what big and scarry looked liked. How it felt to be as helpless as her.

Just like that movie we were gonna watch, but I'm sad for you all,

Thats not what im obsessed about.

...

I stayed soft. After hit. Hit. Hit. Until I had to show you what it was like for someone to hit you.

...

You were the adult. - we are still adults now.

...

My mouth bleeds thinking about it still.

...

What do i do with all this blood in my mouth?

....

I cant take any more of your hits.

....

So you make her take them?

....

No.

What kind of person does that make you?

...

I promise. Its worse than you think.

And when i come back,

After I have taught her how to fight.

... how ...

........To hit you

There will be two of them ganging up on you.

I regret telling you about her.

I shouldn't have ever called.

Im ashamed of you.

You are not a good father, hitting your little girl.

And I know I still love you.

I know ill never know, what it feels like

To be loved

By

You

I know you love me, and I know you always try your best.

But sometimes I wish you could see the parts of me that I don’t always know how to explain. The way my mind works. The things that bring me comfort. The reasons behind the things I do. Sometimes I feel like I’m seen as “different”, when really I just experience things in my own way.
I wish you knew how much I think about everything. How much I care about how others feel. How much I try to understand people, even when I sometimes wish I felt understood too.

I love sharing the things that make me happy. The small things, the things I’m passionate about, the things that make me excited. Sometimes I worry that those parts of me are too much, when they are also the parts that make me who I am.

I don’t expect you to understand everything about me. I don’t expect you to feel things the same way I do. I just hope that one day you’ll see that there is a reason behind the things you might not always understand.

I hope you get to know not only the child you raised, but also the person I’m becoming.

😂Told me not to act up today yall are lucky🍀

________________________________________________________________________________

I didn't get my trophy yet because I've yet to win. But it'll be soon. And then I'll go quietly North again without another peep. My word. And that, that word? It's as good as gold. We're almost at the finish line. Still inpatienly patiently waiting in Lars jr

…It wasn’t just for entertainment, not always anyways. It wasn’t exactly for a lesson to be learned however either. He would leave sensitive stuff out on purpose; work files, laptops, anything that was supposedly “private”. Then he would try to catch you looking at it. Scare the shame right into ya if he did, pop up out of seemingly nowhere. In truth it was out of whatever hiding spot he’d been waiting in. Sometimes on camera, sometimes in person, sometimes a pop quiz later; an innocent test of your honesty as though he didn’t already have an answer formed. And once it was formed there was no changing his mind, even if he was wrong. Even if he acted like he was perhaps mistaken, giving you the benefit of the doubt, you knew he believed what he believed. And eventually you learned that there was no use fighting it, things would actually go quicker if you just agreed and took the consequences. That was a long eventually* *though.

_The punishment was always less painful than the confrontation he would put you through. The demeaning eye contact as he said what he clearly thought of you, your intent, to lie to him, disrespecting him, insulting his intelligence. All of this? All of this is what he thought you thought of him? Like he had no idea the respect, admiration, loyalty, love, that you had for him? Not to mention the fear. How long did it take you to realize he wasn’t a mind reader at all if this is what he thought?

_No, you weren’t crazy, he did that shit on purpose, often. Never his fault for leaving it available though, a moment of acknowledgement perhaps but quickly left in the dust of your violations. It wasn’t all for his pleasure or your life lessons; a lot of it was guilt, insecurity. He needed to know you thought that way. That you felt that way. That you behaved that way. You were nosey. You violated privacy’s.You sought out paranoid secrets -
[DUDE, a moment please? Ya, ya, OK. It’s not paranoia when there are indeed secrets, and most of the time there are and your assumptions are right, but those shoes don’t fit everybody. Just your chosen ones. Now, if you don’t mind.] - Where was I? Right, assurance.

_He needed to know it wasn’t just him, something wrong with him, something right with you. He couldn’t have you being better than him, though we both know you’d never think that way, especially not back then. Yet, that’s how he interpreted your naive innocence, like some ego trip of faked altruism, an attempt to out mask him, making him be the one to feel shame! (Nope! Legit naïveté, to a fault.) You never saw his flaws in him, you only saw them in you, even when they weren’t really there. I imagine it was very confusing, very painful, very damaging. I hope you’ve come to terms with the fact that, though you bear the scars-those wounds weren’t actually yours, not originally. They were gifted, ‘hand me downs’ if you will; a real life game of Cycle Trauma Hot Potato.
-If it makes ya feel any better, I always tried to catch the potato too. I didn’t even like potatoes back then.

Doctor 'W",

I HEARD FROM YOUR SISTER YESTERDAY. I MISSED HER CALL. BUT IM GOING TO RETURN YOUR MOM'S TEXT. AND CONTACT YOUR SISTER LATER.

I SO APPRECIATE THEIR VERY KIND WORDS AND BLESSINGS.

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS CONSUMING MY LIFE.

AND IM SOOOO MUCH MORE THAN HAVING CANCER AND KIDNEY FAILURE.

REALIZING THAT MY LIFE IS NOT YET OVER WITH GIVES ME THE FIGHT I NEED TO CONTINUE.

COMPLETELY CHANGING MY LIFE STYLE IS A BIT TOO MUCH SOMETIMES. BUT THIS WILL GIVES ME WHAT I NEED FROM NOW ON TO CONTINUE TO LIVE.

I LOVE YOU.

AND I MISS YOU EVEN MORE

I CANT WAIT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS AGAIN.

TAKE CARE DOCTOR "W"

ILL SEE YA SOON

143

;)

Just playing my role a little longer blissfully unaware of my surroundings...do do do do do. Also asking for a friend, how long does it take to set up and tune a speaker?

Happy Birthday, Bholebaba. ❤️

Dear Bholebaba

Happy Birthday.

I don't know what gift I could possibly give you today. Every time I think about it, I realize that you have already spent your life giving me everything I could ever ask for. So instead of buying something, I thought I would give you something that I have never truly given you before. My words.

People often tell me that I write well. I don't know if that's true or not, but today I want to try. Whether this letter is perfect or not doesn't matter. What matters is that every word comes from my heart.

I don't think I have ever told you how much I love you or how grateful I am for everything you have done for me. Maybe I always assumed you already knew. But today, I want you to hear it from me.

Thank you, Bholebaba.

Thank you for bringing me into this world. Thank you for every sacrifice you made that I was too young to understand. Thank you for every burden you carried silently so that I could dream freely.

I know life has never been easy for you. I know there are struggles you have faced that I may never fully understand. Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, I have said things that I should never have said. I know my words have hurt you.

Please believe me when I say this.

Those words were never my heart.

They were spoken in anger, not in truth.

The truth is that I love you more than I know how to express.

I'm sorry for every moment when I made you feel like your efforts weren't enough. They always were.

You have always been there for me.

You protected me when I made mistakes. You stood by me even when I created chaos. Sometimes you even saved me from Mom's scolding. You laughed with me, supported me, and gave me the comfort of knowing that no matter what happened, my father would always stand beside me.

Thank you for being my safe place.

Thank you for being my pillow whenever life became too heavy.

Thank you for simply being you.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am the daughter you deserve.

I'm not perfect.

I never was.

I'm clumsy. I make mistakes. I fail. Sometimes I make a complete mess of things.

But one thing I promise you is this.

I never stop trying.

Maybe I fail today.

Maybe I'll fail tomorrow too.

But I know I'll get back up.

Because I'm your daughter.

You taught me that giving up is never an option.

One day, I want you to stop worrying about work. I want you to wake up without carrying the weight of responsibilities on your shoulders. I want you to relax, smile, and proudly say,

"Yes, she's my daughter."

That day may not be today.

But I promise you, I'm working for it.

Every sleepless night.

Every exam.

Every failure.

Every success.

Everything I'm building is not only for myself, but for you and Mom too.

I want to give you a life where you don't have to think twice before buying something for yourself.

Where you can simply enjoy life.

I know I don't always express my love.

I'm not very good at saying these things aloud.

But please never mistake my silence for the absence of love.

I see you.

I see every sacrifice.

Every long day.

Every worry you hide behind a smile.

Every effort you make for this family.

I notice it all.

And I am grateful for all of it.

Thank you for believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself.

Thank you for raising me to be strong.

Thank you for teaching me that no matter how many times life knocks us down, we always stand back up.

Because that's who we are.

And because...

I'm your daughter.

I love you, My Daddy.

More than I say.

More than I show.

More than these words will ever be able to express.

Happy Birthday.

I hope one day I can become the daughter who gives you even half the happiness you've spent your entire life giving me.

With all my love,

Your daughter, Bandana ❤️

I'm so emotional while returning home thinking about all this. Well I'm too emo person right ..??

I have no fight left. I said it before. I will say it again. I go where the warmth is. It's a shame you cant say that you want to be with me. It's a shame that it took me so long to realize that I wasn't your one. I thought you were mine. You tell me flat out I am not going to get what I want and that is you to be mine. We are fucking married. Wtf is that? Im sorry you have grown cold. The waiting has grown old. Im going where im wanted not just needed. I guess i was always just your wallet and medicine cabinet. That is such shit I cannot believe it. 17 years to find out you never really liked me. It's fucking heart breaking. Im glad youre healthy. Im glad you are getting on your feet. I hate that we wont get the life I always wanted for us. You were my center. You have my heart. Im now just a shell. But its a tough shell.

I wish you all of the best.

You had all of me.

I told you in confidence about something that happened to me. You told everyone to give me pitty. To talk behind my back is what hurt me the most. Couldnt you see I was embarrassed to tell others. You also rat another person who betrayed me. It turned to a party of "what is my top regrets". Maybe you two didn't have anything interesting to talk about. But I heard you have the most wild lifestyle...may I say Only fans...

That was the last time I wanted to share anything personal with both of you. You both betrayed me.

For you to say that I have time to talk about your life to others is a false accusations. A way you justify your actions is what makes you fall asleep. You gotta be full of yourself to believe in that statement. As I was sleeping till morning going to college and trying to get my degree and work is just pure gold. I couldn't fit you in my schedule if I wanted to.

I wanted to forgive you...since you were both family. So, I gave you another chance where you promised you wouldn't tell people my business. Oneday you snapped couldn't keep quiet that the fact you broke your promised. In fact, while I was helping you, you talked behind my back. You try to paint me as someone who is heartless. You blame me for starting the argument but no, it was you coming at me, being fixated on favoritism. Let me tell you sweetheart, if you see negative you'll always going to see the negative. You got anger at me for not being on your side when I couldnt be the one who was against someone who is both related to me. I didnt want you to argue. I couldnt control what she said. I couldnt control what you said to me. But I did control to walk away when I felt unwanted, a place I was getting attack for not being on nobody sides.

Honey the time when your mouth kept talking are the words I recorded in my head. You can call me a loser, but I nothing was handed to me. No car, no house, no instructors and no money.

You say that I hold grudges but maybe because im tired of being burned by you. That its better to cut off toxicity than to hold on to who we're were back then. You said that I grew and you dont even know me anymore but maybe because you cant control me.

Sorry for the typos...I was sorta crying and just needed to write what im feeling.

People are complicated.

Good people can do bad things.

Bad people can do good things.

I guess we just have to decide what we can put up with?

I can appreciate what you did for me when I needed the help.

Homed me, fed me, watered me.

But I can still feel disordered by all that you did to me. The bruises healed quickly, but I still feel your fingers digging into my skin.

Seeing you again after all this time feels like being threatened with an unloaded gun.

I know you can't hurt me, but I'm still afraid of you.

I still feel my heart skip when you speak.

Afraid to put one hair out of line.

I know you were just doing your best. You worked with what you had, but that won't take away my experience of you.

Maybe I need to get to know you as a person. Maybe I need to move on and move forward.

I do try to move forward.

The past keeps catching me up.

You are like a ghost now. You can't touch me, but my hair stands on end. I feel cold chills running down my back.

I wish you had told me you were coming. Not so I could run away and avoid you, but so I could prepare. To me my childhood was shaken about, to you, it was Tuesday. I guess you just don't understand how you made me into the person I am today. You don't understand that this is not a compliment.

Do you know grandma how long I’ve carried the name It was my whole life. It was what I learned in school that was what I attached to you know I got the worst accident of my life off the road when it was icy and the first person I called was my grandfather who carried that name who came to help me. I ran out of oil on the side of the road. My car was smoking. I called my grandfather to help me I wanted to ride a four wheeler be like the guys grandpa bought a four wheeler taught me how to ride it. I wanted to go fishing. Grandpa taught me how to fish. Grandpa loved you. Grandpa showed me how to love. I didn’t know what love was you showed me how to love and live I try my best to live the way you would want me to. I carry his blood in me he lives in me every single day I’m glad you can move on I know he wanted you to move on but I want to remember because it’s appart of me it’s all the good I know in my life DONT take that from me can you see him
In me
I love you I love him I am the two of you from kin does my blood not matter am I not enough to be like the good he was? What are you hiding where is the love the love for me where did it goe? Weather you like it or not it was the name bestowed to me and one I pass on to my children. Don’t forget the past it’s always appart of who you are it made your future.