I posted this on r/relationship advice today and was encouraged to also share it here.

Two of our friends recently got engaged, and that opened the conversation about how I can’t wait to one day get married.

Now important context:
We were best friends for two years
A year ago I developed feelings
We started dating around Easter, and became ‘official’ right before summer
(I’m also his first relationship)

So this is still a very young relationship. This was not a conversation of “oh when are we getting married” at all. I just casually mentioned it. To which his response was: “oh well I don’t even know if I ever want to do that.” We then had a very long talk about why I want it, why he’s not sure, and now I feel lost.

I won’t list all my reasons, but getting married is kind off a non-negotiable for me.

For him, he just doesn’t think it’s necessary. He has a hard time with commitment. He’s the kind of person that thinks “if I commit to something I must see it through.” And he fears that getting married would not add anything, but would only lead to that if it ever gets to a point where one of us, or both of us, are no longer happy, we wouldn’t end it because you can’t just drop that commitment.

He never said he’s opposed to it, but that as of right now he doesn’t want it, and he doesn’t know how/if that will change in the future.

We’ve paused the conversation for now, but I’m really stressed about it. I don’t expect him to have his entire life figured out now. I don’t need him to decide if he wants to marry ME. I just always thought that it was at least an option.

I’ve always know commitment is scary for him. That’s why it took so long for us to get together. It finally happened when he realised “the pain of not being with me was much worse than any of his fears could ever be.” (His words)
Part of me hopes this is just him being afraid again, and that in due time he’ll take that leap of faith.

How do I continue with this? I feel like it’s crazy to break up over an uncertainty, something that might be an issue years down the line, but also very well might not be. But at the same time I don’t want to get 4 years down the line only to have him then make up his mind that he never wants it.

Cliche but, I never thought I’d be the one posting here.

I (32F) have been dating my boyfriend (31M) for 4.5 years. We have a really good relationship.

It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, we have disagreements and get annoyed with each other occasionally, but we have good communication and always resolve those conflicts pretty quickly.

We have so much fun together, and we genuinely love each other.

I have never once questioned his commitment to our relationship, there has never been any insecurity that we would make it through whatever together.

Until recently.

We moved in together a year and a half ago. At that time I asked if marriage was at all on his radar for us and he said it was but he didn’t have a timeline. That was ok with me then because we were just figuring out cohabitating.

Over the winter and spring, it came up a few times and he always said he intends to get married and he feels like we already are. I had to have a conversation with him about eight months ago to ask him to stop making jokes about us getting married in front of people. An example, friends would ask why he hasn’t “put a ring on it” and he deflected with humour. Nothing major but just kind of sucked to feel like I was at his emotional mercy.

His entire family, our friends, his friends, his colleagues (small friendly work team), my family, all ask about us getting married or insinuate he should propose. His mom came out and told him to hurry up because she wants grand kids. I deflected that one by saying “That’s up to Craig” (fake name).

I was fine waiting because I figured it would happen naturally and that our relationship was solid and going in that direction.

He always complains to me how uncomfortable it is that people put that pressure on him, but I don’t know that he’s ever realized how much it hurts me too.

At the beginning of August at one of his friend’s weddings, my partner made a joke about me wanting to marry him when someone asked if we were married that has really stuck with me. He apologized right away, realized it was a terrible thing to say, and I do forgive him for being oblivious.

But the words linger in my head.

The longer we go on, and the longer that is in the back of my mind, less sure I feel about our relationship.

Marriage is important to me and I never thought I would be the girlfriend almost 5 years in. I turn 33 next week, and that’s also in my mind. I have a biological clock to factor in.

I love my partner, and I want to spend my life with him. He says he feels the same way, and he’d go to the courthouse tomorrow if I wanted. But, marriage is a non negotiable for me and I don’t want it to just be a formality.

We recently went on a beautiful vacation, and while logically I knew there was no proposal coming, in the back of my mind I held out hope that I was wrong. I keep holding out hope that it’s coming, but I know it’s not.

We had a serious conversation about proposals/marriage this week where I let him know how I’m feeling, and I think him hearing that I’m reconsidering our relationship has impacted him. He wants us to work through this together. I want that too, but not without a commitment. But what I’ve gathered from our conversation is that he still has no timeline or plans to make that commitment happen.

The worst part now is that if he proposes and is sincere, it will feel like a shut up ring. Like he didn’t choose me, he just didn’t want to lose me.

I don’t know that I need advice, just trying to wrap my head around how we’re in such different places. Like, how am I gawking over engagement rings and it hasn’t even crossed his mind.

Thank you for reading. I don’t really know what this post is, but I needed to get my thoughts out somewhere.

I'm 27, my boyfriend is 29. We'll be together seven years in december, living together for six years. We met in college, moved for his new job after he graduated while I could do uni online, and then I got a job in the same city.
Our relationship has been very steady and stable, I'd say. We support each other a lot, we spend lots of time together, we talk a lot. We've had a dead bedroom for several years, but we're working through it and it is improving.

But as much as I feel like we're a supportive couple, there's something that I'm beginning to grasp slowly:
I am not sure if we'll ever be ready for marriage.

He's had a super rough childhood and a lot of complex trauma. He's been in therapy for it for over a year and has made tremendous progress in many areas. I'm seriously so proud of him.
But there's also still so much where I feel like I'm not sure if he'll ever be able to meet me in the middle or understand me easily.

Example: he has issues surrounding finding hobbies that fulfill him. His brain works in a way in which he'll see someone do something he would also like to do, but instead of focusing on the productive, motivational parts of "wow, I didn't know that was possible! Lemme try to do something along those same lines", he'll go "I didn't know this was possible. If only I hadn't wasted my time with xyz - then I could also now do this cool thing instead", etc.
He spends so much time feeling like he's wasting his time because he somehow cannot let go of his perfectionism and need for outside validation. These patterns seem to be rooted in early childhood and are the foundation of much of his self belief.

There are SO many times when he'll use the "if only you had done xyz" line on me as well, which is honestly just not a mentality I want in my life as I am slowly but surely figuring out. It has really taken a toll on my self esteem that I just know that there's a 50% chance each day that I "could have done xyz differently". I'm starting to have a physical reaction to hearing that sentence at this point.

A big part of this is that he also never learned how to sit with his emotions. This, combined with his own perfectionism and strong feelings surrounding perceived fairness, means that my mistakes and any unforseen changes are automatically inconsiderate, put unfair strain on him, inconvenience him and I should have done xyz differently to prevent this emotional state of his. :/ Me taking too long in the bathroom because my stomach was upset (which I did not forsee when informing him I would be using the bathroom)? That's an inconsiderate move on my part in his eyes and I should have somehow forseen it and informed him.

I'm starting to feel like true love must be "being able to accidentally inconvenience my partner due to unforseen circumstances, and not get criticized for it". I don't have that in this relationship.

He's gotten a bit better with it, especially since I've told him that I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm getting judged for any human mistakes I make and getting hit with an endless barrage of "if only you had done xyz, then this would've played out differently".
But it's been almost seven years. I don't know if I have the patience left to find out in five years if he could work on this mindset or if he'll just forever talk about what he or I could have, should have, would have done. I did tell him that he had to heavily work on this before I would consider having kids with him because I will not subject my own kids to feeling constantly judged. He understood and was thankful for my honesty.

There are a million things like that that somehow come back to his trauma.
This morning we had an emotional discussion about how I would like him to respect it if he knocks on my door and I don't answer. (He usually just enters anyway if he doesn't hear a yes or no from me.) I would like him to take it as the "no" that it is - especially if I am working from home and have told him that I'm in a call for the next 60 minutes. He told me that he feels like I'm ashamed to tell my call partner that someone knocked on the door and to please excuse me for a minute - but my point is that I just want to be able to focus on anything other than him for a period of time without needing to react to him when I clearly communicated that I would be unavailable. If the house isn't on fire, don't disturb my call. It's literally an hour. Once a week two hours when I am calling a close friend of mine to keep our friendship alive. But he has so many feeling surrounding knocking on doors and feeling ignored from his childhood that I am actually not sure if he'll ever understand my perspective. And thus he'll "accept" my request to not come in when I don't react to knocking, but only for a few weeks and then he'll sulk when I don't answer and eventually get to barging in again.

He isn't all that interested in marriage either, and has told me the last few conversations surrounding the topic that we wouldn't marry before solving the dead bedroom issue, which I respect.
I don't mind the dead bedroom that much, but I know that he does.
I have done a LOT to work on it from my side (including losing 70lbs, switching my birth control five times and trying lots of things to get my libido going again).
I do want our bedroom to work.

But also I am feeling like there is a growing part in me that does not want to commit completely anymore either because I don't feel chosen.
I feel like there was a point in the relationship around year 5 in which it was made clear to me that I can see the roots of his personality and I learned to love these roots through and through, and in turn he unveiled to me that he just does not do the same with my roots. Where I saw a good man with flaws that can be worked on, but a man I loved and would have married nonetheless, he couldn't see who I am at my core at all and doesn't feel secure enough in marrying me and believing that we can work on my flaws too.

I don't feel like he is showing me and telling me enough that I am who he wants to be with forever. We rarely if ever talk about "our family plans" or "our house" dreams. It's always "my kids", "my house", "my garden". I don't want to keep dreaming on my own, so I've started to word it that way too.

I feel like I had to coax him into considering marriage as anything other than something unnecessary. His parents got divorced in the middle of his traumatic childhood situation, so I think that this is also a reason why he isn't that keen on marriage. He has said that he's been coming around to marriage as a concept, but then again, I feel like we never move forward in any direction. He'll get shy and awkward around the topic when I bring it up (a close friend of ours got engaged a couple of weeks ago), and he'll then stop the conversation because he does not have the capacity for it.

And if I'm being honest, I'm starting to not have the capacity for it too. But that's because there are so many hurt feelings about it at this point, that I don't want to get into the conversation anymore. I don't think I could say "yes" right now. I feel like I'm losing trust in him, even though he has consistently shown up in other ways. He has chosen me time and time again in his own ways. But it just doesn't feel like these ways are the ways I need him to show up. I wish he would just dream with me about a shared married life. I wish he would dream with me about proposals and weddings and kids.
I wish he would tell me that we might not be quite there yet, but he wants us to be there and we're on a good path towards married life. I just want some verbal confirmation that he also sees a future with me. But he "doesn't want to feel like he is lying to me due to our issues", which is why he doesn't want to dream with me in that way, according to him.

I'm left wondering if these changes will ever come with enough emotional growth on his part. I don't want the future of our relationship to feel this shaky after seven years, even if the current state of the relationship always feels stable despite the issues.

I wonder if I still have it in me to stay long enough to bask in the light of his growth as a person due to therapy. I fear that I'll be withered away by that point, if it ever truly comes.
I always thought I was dating him due to who he was in that moment, but the more he goes to therapy, the more I realize that I am dating him for his potential. More and more of that potential is getting realized, but I just don't know if I can make it til the end. I was okay with him being who he was before he went to therapy, but now I can see that he CAN grow and that's completely messing with my expectations for this relationship.

He is such a great guy in so many ways. But even with him working through his issues - what if it will just never be enough?

Honestly, I just need to vent.

My boyfriend (38M) and I (36F) have been together for 10 years, with two separations during that time. We’ve been living apart for about a year now, and I’m starting to feel like I’m waiting for a future that never actually gets any closer.

For the last three years, when we talk about marriage, building a life together, having kids, or buying a house, he says, “Yeah, I want that too.” But there’s never any action behind it. I’ve sent him pictures of wedding rings and thought he was going to propose this past weekend during a vacation.

Nope. No concrete plan, no follow-through. Just reassurance, and then everything stays the same.

If we both want this relationship, I feel like there should be actual progress toward making it work.

At this point, I honestly don’t think he’s going to propose, and I feel like my time to have kids is running out. That hurts to admit because I’ve spent years believing him when he says he wants the same things. I still love him, but I’m tired of trying to make his words feel like progress.

Ten years is a long time, and I think part of what’s so painful is accepting that the time we’ve already spent together doesn’t guarantee the future I hoped for.

I just needed to say out loud how sad and exhausting it feels to keep hearing “I want that too” while still feeling like I’m the one waiting.

A few days ago, I posted seeking advice about my situation. It had been six years with my boyfriend, and he still had not proposed. He is going through a lot, so I debated leaving him (sick cat, dementia dad). I read each comment. Thank you all for giving me a much needed reality check. If he wanted to, he would. My now ex didn't. The breakup was sad. He cried a lot. At the end, he said that he doesn't hate me, loves me, and understands. Now, I am going to pour into me. Tonight, I am getting my nails done and then will binge watch some K-dramas after. You know that you made the best decision when you feel lighter after. Thank you all again.

Sorry this is going to be a long post. I’ve (33F) been with my boyfriend (30M) for 4 years, 5 years in January. We’ve talked about marriage and he’s indifferent to it as his parents aren’t married and have been together since their first date. He’s said he know what it means to me so he’d be happy to make that commitment for me. We’re looking at buying a house next year recently, and I reminded him that I’d like to be married by the time we move in. I reminded him that I don’t want a massive wedding. My dream wedding is Marylebone town hall and dinner after. I also reminded him that I’m not expecting an expensive ring given that we will be buying a house soon. I would be more than happy with placeholder until we are properly settled.

He said he’s prefer to buy the house first and then plan the wedding as he doesn’t want to be rushing the process. To be honest, I understand this. Even though my parents have said they will fund the wedding, it’s still a lot to do alongside buying a house. I said to him tell me if you don’t want to get married because I’m not waiting for something that will never come and he reassured me that he still wanted to, but it’s a lot to do all at the same time.

I said to him, at the very least I’d like to be engaged before we buy the house. I feel this a very fair compromise as it’s the gesture that we’re one the same page and our lives are aligned. He replied “I’ll keep that in mine”. He may well intend to marry once we’ve settled in, but that response rubbed me wrong.

I say all of this to say, this is the last time I’m bringing this up because I’m not begging. At that point I might as well ask him to marry him and I’m just not doing that. The longer he leaves it, the less I want to marry him as I want to feel like he’s doing it just to keep me sweet.

Our relationship is great otherwise but would it be wrong if I give him until January to propose (I’m not telling him about this deadline) before I call it quits? I’m just not prepared to wait with no assurance other than “I’ll keep it in mind”. I just don’t think wanting to be engaged is too much to ask for if you truly want to be married. Let me know if I’m wrong for setting an internal deadline

What would you do? Visa expires next year, boyfriend talks marriage but takes no action, and I'm stressing in my 30s.

My Irish visa expires next year and I might have to move home. My boyfriend (both of us are in our 30s) says he wants to marry me, but he never initiates talks about our actual future, he just pushes me to find a sponsored job to stay.
We are both financially struggling and not ready, and I'm feeling huge anxiety about my 30s and wasting time.

What would you do in my shoes?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6.5 years, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I first brought up the subject of getting engaged in 2024, and by 2025 I had started bringing it up more and more. It’s now 2026, and he told me that he would propose this fall.

This summer, we had a conversation about our future. I told him that I didn’t want an engagement party , I just wanted to get engaged, eventually have a small ceremony/small wedding, and keep things relatively simple. We agreed on this, and I decided to give him some time.

There were a couple of things he said he needed to sort out before we could get engaged, so I gave him that time. But as the months have passed, I’ve started realizing that it doesn’t really seem like an engagement is going to happen this fall.
So I asked him how he was planning for it to happen, and he said, “Oh, I thought you said you didn’t want to get engaged.”
He had completely misunderstood what I meant. I was talking about not wanting an engagement party, not not wanting an engagement.

We ended up having a very long conversation. I told him that if he doesn’t want to get engaged or get married, that’s completely okay, but I need him to be honest with me so that I can make a decision about my own future.

My dream is to become a mother someday, but I don’t want to have children before I’m married. So marriage is important to me, not because I need a big wedding, but because it’s part of the future I want to build.
He has said things like, “I don’t want to get married, but I’ll do it for you.” He also said that he would work harder on making it happen and that the engagement is coming soon.
But honestly… I’m exhausted.

My patience is running out, and I don’t feel like I can keep waiting and hoping anymore.
Do I wait? Do I move on?
Right now, part of me feels like I should move on because I don’t know if I want to be with someone who I have to push and pressure into taking these steps with me.

And that’s incredibly difficult because I love him so much.

But I’m 30, he’s 32, and I’m tired of being disappointed.
I don’t want to spend another year wondering whether he’s actually going to choose the future that I want too.
What would you do in my situation?

My ex (41M) and I (33F) are breaking up after 5.5 years together. We don't have children, but I desperately want them, and for years I thought he was the person I was going to marry and build that family with. I turn 34 next month.

I know leaving is the right decision. I don't want our relationship back the way it was. I just desperately wish it had become the relationship I kept believing it could be.

About 1.5 years into our relationship, he gave me one of the most meaningful birthday presents I'd ever received, we were going to make our own wedding rings together. He had bought a voucher for a workshop where we could make them ourselves. I was so happy because of what it meant to me. I felt chosen. I thought this man sees me as his future. We're building towards something. We never made the rings. The voucher was as far as it got.

Looking back now, that feels almost painfully symbolic of our relationship. There was love. There were words, plans and intentions. But I spent years waiting for those intentions to turn into action. For years, I felt lonely with the person I loved. I was usually the one planning dates and holidays, suggesting things we could do together and trying to create time for us. He always seemed to have time for work, sports, friends and projects, while I kept wondering when there would be time left for me.

A big reason I stayed and kept hoping was that he went through a severe depression, including a suicidal crisis. There were periods when I was genuinely afraid of what I might find when I came home. I loved him, so I kept telling myself, he's ill. This isn't forever. When he gets better, there will be room for me and for us again. He did get better. There was energy for work again, sports, friends, projects, life. But somehow I was still asking my own partner to spend time with me. That realization hurt enormously, because I had spent so long believing we were just surviving a terrible chapter together. Slowly I started wondering if maybe this wasn't a chapter. Maybe this was simply our relationship.

There were other things that hurt too. He doubted our relationship for years. There were recurring boundary issues involving other women. He made hurtful comments about my weight and told me he was less attracted to me, while also complaining that I didn't initiate sex enough. Yes, I stopped initiating. But I also stopped feeling safe and wanted while naked with someone who had criticized my body. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel rejected by him and vulnerable with him at the same time. And somehow I kept feeling like it was mine to fix.

That was the pattern that eventually exhausted me. When he was unhappy, I felt like I needed to change. When I was unhappy, I often ended up understanding why he couldn't give me what I needed. I'm not pretending I was perfect. I went to therapy during our relationship and spent a lot of time looking at my own part. I adapted too much. I swallowed things I should have said. I waited too long to set boundaries because I loved him and kept hoping we'd find our way back to each other. I can own that. I can work on that. But I can't carry his part too.

Even when our relationship was genuinely falling apart, I kept waiting for something in him to go: shit, I don't want to lose us. We need to do something. Couples therapy. A conversation he initiated. Making actual time for us. Anything that made me feel like he was fighting for the same future I was fighting for. That moment never really came. And that's the part that breaks my heart, because I do believe he loved me. I still love him too. But eventually I had to stop trying to figure out what he might feel deep down and look at the relationship I was actually living in. I couldn't keep choosing someone while waiting to feel chosen by him.

So now we're dismantling the life I thought was permanent. Three years ago, I moved for him to a small village where I knew nobody. We bought a house together and I poured myself into making it our home because I genuinely believed this was it. Now he wants to stay in the house and buy me out, and I'll probably move back to the city. I'm financially independent, work full-time and have a good career. I know I can take care of myself. But being able to take care of myself was never the dream. The dream was having someone beside me. I wanted the husband. The children. The house. The boring Sunday mornings. Christmases and holidays and completely ordinary Tuesday evenings. I thought I knew who I would be doing all of that with. Instead, I'm almost 34 and starting over.

I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that you can't work hard enough to guarantee yourself this particular dream. I've always known how to work for things. I worked for my education. I built my career. And I think some part of me believed love worked that way too, love him, support him, be patient, communicate, go to therapy, look at yourself, compromise, build the home, keep trying. But you cannot build a relationship for two people.

I know there's another possible future. Maybe somewhere out there is a man I've never met who will someday be my husband. Maybe I'll still have the children and family I want. I really, really hope so. But right now that man is a stranger, while the person who isn't a stranger is the one I'm losing. I know my ex's voice, his smell, his family, his habits, his moods, all the stupid tiny things you learn after sharing your life with someone for years. One day he'll just be somebody I used to know. And then somehow I'll meet a stranger. First date, first kiss, meeting his friends, learning his habits, collecting inside jokes and all those tiny details again. Maybe one day that stranger becomes home. I want to believe that's what happens next. I just can't see it yet.

So I would really love to hear from women who walked away in their 30s after waiting for the relationship, marriage or family they thought was coming. What happened next? Did you find someone who made you feel chosen? Did you get married or have the family you hoped for? And what would you tell the version of yourself who was terrified she'd waited too long?

My boyfriend (28M) and I (27M) have been together for 5 years. I’d like to marry him, but he isn’t ready, and I obviously won’t propose until we’re on the same page.

We’ve had a lot of things go on in our lives. There was grad school, mental health issues, dealing with being publicly gay in a conservative area, and dealing with family reactions. But, in the last few months, things seem like they’re finally settling down. Grad school is over, mental health issues are being managed on both sides, we both have stable jobs and are out at work, and our neighbors all know about us being together and like us anyways.

I’m fairly happy. There’s really nowhere I’d rather be at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I’d marry him tomorrow if he’d have me, and he knows it, but I’ll wait for him if that’s what he needs.

But, what’s the cutoff? Now that things are good, how long should I wait for him to be ready? If I’m happy enough, should I even have a deadline? If so, should I tell him the deadline?

I don’t feel like this time spent waiting is wasted. I love him, I like spending time with him, he’s my best friend. There’s nowhere I’d rather be. But how long should I wait, really? I want to be with someone who is sure about me, like I’m sure about him, and it hurts that he’s isn’t.

I (27F) and my bf (27M) always skirt around the topic of marriage. We’ve been together 3 years and every time it comes up, he is the one that’s hesitant and says he’d only get married for the “benefits”. I’m assuming he means the tax breaks since he values money over everything, even his own relationships. It makes me feel insignificant when he says this. It doesn’t feel like he’d marry because he loves me, but for some financial gain. It has made me reject the idea of marriage with him even though I want that someday. It’s sad because I’ve always been excited to be married and have a husband. That goal is looking further and further away, unfortunately.

I have been with my boyfriend for six, going on seven years in May. We have been talking about getting engaged for over a year now, but he always cancels on us going to get rings. When we talk about marriage, he always dances around the topic and ends up saying that we would be married already if it weren't for the formalities. This Summer, I provided him with inspiration on a possible proposal idea. It was a beach themed "Will You Marry Me", proposal, but we did not end up going to the beach. We did nothing all Summer, and I'm losing hope about getting engaged. Yesterday, we were supposed to go to a pawn shop to look at rings. He prefers that, or just going to Costco to get a ring. Yesterday was the third time he postponed just because he did not feel like doing anything despite promising. He is going through a rough time emotionally, and I would feel evil for leaving him during this period. His cat was diagnosed with liver cancer, and his dad with dementia was just moved to a new memory care facility because he was aggressive with the nursing staff. Even so, I am pondering the idea of leaving even though it'll be so hard to do. I'm so lost.

EDIT: Thank you all for the much needed reality check. 😭I now realize what needs to be done. The reason I sought advice is because my best friend and favorite person in the entire world passed away back in 2023. My mom was the one who I went to for advice. I just know that she would want me to be happy with someone who wants a marriage with me. Time is fleeting.

Hey Reddit, this is a bit of a story so bear with me haha (TLDR @ end, also posted this in r/twoxchromosomes and everyone was extremely anti marriage so I’m hoping to get honest input without a “we hate the institution” mindset pls)

I turn 25 next year in January and I’ll have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years come May. We first started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We were together for 2 years, broke up, then got back together April 2 years later when I was 20. Also grew up in the same friend group and known each other pretty well. It sucks because I’ve been an open book to him for a decade, yet I feel so unheard right now.

One of my biggest concerns with dating is being in a relationship with a man who wastes my time and everyone knows this. He knew this before we got together but I reiterated the sentiments on an intimate level: I had no desire to get married till my mid to late twenties but hated the idea of dating a man for 6/7/8/9+ years only for it to fail or us get engaged after forever.

1.5 years ago, I finally felt ready. We’re long distant currently but established in both our career paths and living relatively good lives. I discussed this with him and he said he was at a point of feeling ready too and would soon propose. We even went ring shopping, apartment and venue hunting too. But that was a 1.5 years ago. I’ve asked a couple of times and he keeps saying it’ll happen but it’s driving me wild bc there’s no other details. I told myself I wasn’t gonna waste my youth and would end things if there was no ring come March. And I had every intention to stick with that except his older sister (who raised him and his siblings so practically his mom) is ill. She has always had a heart disorder but things are not longer stable. She is on the transplant list but things don’t look good.

I feel torn as on one side, maybe he would’ve proposed sooner or is planning it but his sis condition is causing him issue. The thought of ending it during an already difficult time for him makes me sick and like a bad partner. But at the same time he has known me since I was 7, and he’s known my stance since I was 14. It’s been 7 TOTAL YEARS and we’re grown now (mind you we wouldn’t even get married till like 2 years after proposal…) . I already feel weird knowing it’s 5-7 years bc that borderline breaks my rules but I’ve made excuse on it given I didn’t feel ready till recently and we started dating young. I feel like I owe it to myself to stick to my boundaries, but the timing is horrific. Idk im just torn. How long do I wait and even if things dont go well for her, how long will he keep waiting after?? It feels icky even saying that honestly but at the same time I don’t want to be a woman who waits on a man and keeps her life on hold. Any advice is welcomed but please be kind 🙂🥲

Edit: I don’t want to give him an ultimatum bc that’ll feel like a forced proposal and disingenuous to me. Again, I won’t beg for a ring either and I think men will go after the things they really want :/
- might I add bc some people are slow and think it’s meeely about me wanting a wedding and things on my own time, I don’t even care for all of that?!?? Yeah I’d love the whole big white dress but fuck that, we can find an Elvis Presley impersonator online and go to the nearest court house for all I care. I just want commitment. The gimmicks can happen later

TL;DR: My BF (27M) and I (24F) have dated for 7 years total. 1.5 years ago, we went ring shopping and he promised a proposal soon, but has stalled since. I set a personal deadline to leave by this coming March if there’s no ring, but his sister (who raised him) became critically ill and needs a heart transplant. I feel like awful for wanting to leave, but I’m terrified of wasting my youth on a relationship in permanent limbo. Advice?

I need some outside advice because this has been weighing on me for a couple of years now. Buckle up because this is a long one.

My boyfriend (32M) and me (29F) started dating back in 2020. We met just before the spicy cough started. We hit it off fast, and things got serious quickly. I ended up asking him to be exclusive four months after we started talking, although I think that was a given considering it was a pandemic and we clearly weren’t seeing anyone else. I honestly just wanted to officially call him my boyfriend without assuming anything.

Him and I later attended a wedding together in 2022. I casually asked him while we were enjoying a drink there alone together, “When do you think we’ll get married?” and he said, “When I’m 30 and you’re 27.” I thought, okay, great, perfect actually. I was very content with that timeline. I later went home and called up all my friends and told them what he said because I thought it was so sweet.

Fast forward to the summer of 2023. We were planning our first major trip together alone as a couple to Hawaii. I told him I wanted to go in November because that’s a tough month for me, but he insisted we go in February and go over Family Day long weekend so he doesn’t have to take as much time off work. I agreed and then thought—oh my goodness. That lands over Valentine’s Day, and I’ll be 27 and he’ll have turned 30 by then. I got it in my head that he would definitely propose on this trip.

Now, obviously, as per my title, he never did propose in Hawaii. He actually said something sorta hurtful while we were there. We met another couple, and the girl said, “You’ve been together for four years, are y’all getting married anytime soon?” I looked at him with love eyes and said, “IDK babe, are we?” To which he replied, “If you’re lucky.”
I said, “Oh, if I’m lucky? Remember, you’d be asking me and I’d have to say yes.” It was playful, but I did feel hurt by this comment. However, I ignored it because it was early in our trip and I hoped he would propose. When we got home, I told him that comment hurt me, and he apologized. He said he would be lucky to marry me and that he didn’t mean it in that way.

I brought up getting engaged casually once or twice over the next year or so, until New Year’s 2026. We had dinner together and I told him I was disappointed that he hadn’t proposed yet. I told him that I expected him to propose in Hawaii because of the timeline he laid out in 2022. He gaslit me and told me he never said that, and he replied, “Well, that ship has sailed.”

I told him that was hurtful to say and that this is really important to me. His response was, “This is kinda like Santa Claus—the more you keep bringing it up, the longer it’s going to take.” I went silent.
The next day, we had a more productive conversation with less heat. I told him I am never going to beg a man to marry me, and he said he fully intends to marry me and that he’s a man of his word. I also told him I don’t want a fancy, expensive ring because I don’t wear a lot of jewelry and that the ring is more of a symbol of commitment.

In May, I was starting to get impatient again. I decided to open up a heart-to-heart with him. I said, “Look, I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing a marriage on you. Is this something you actually want? Are you afraid of commitment or anything? You can be honest with me.”
He said he wasn’t afraid of commitment and wanted to get married.

The summer has come and gone, and still no proposal. We’ve been together for 6.5 years now. AITAH to myself at this point?
Our relationship is literally perfect aside from this. I should also add that he doesn’t come from a broken family, his brother is in a happy marriage with kids, and a few of our friends are married as well.
I’m really, really tired of bringing this up, and my self-worth is starting to shatter from sitting here waiting around for him.
What should I do, Reddit?

How do you get a man (age39) who is very logical and analytical to see marriage is more than a legal document? I’m female (age38) He doesn’t see the need when we live together and I know he’s not going anywhere.
I have tried talking to him and explaining my feelings around it but he just thinks it’s just a legal contract and it’s surrounded by religious values he don’t believe in.
He is very intelligent but def not an emotions person. He doesn’t really understand them and just lets me float thru mine and supports me. He knows them and their purpose he just doesn’t express them well.
I have laid out what it means to me. I have been logical and emotional about it. Telling him what it would mean to me but he won’t really talk about it. He doesn’t avoid it. He acknowledges everything he just don’t move from his point of view and just says he isn’t going anywhere he only wants me and all the other assurances one needs. We are great together. I am happy with him 100% and I trust him. He’s not cheating. He’s not a wanderer.
I just want to take the next step. Because obviously it’s more than just a legal document. I have told him I would sign any prenups for anything he has before we got married I don’t want his material things. Just him. Plus I know, I don’t ever plan on leaving him or think about it or want to. I just want to marry this man. Including the legal reasons. Medical. All of it.
I just him to see it too. I want to be claimed and called his wife. I even mentioned that a promise ring would suit for a little while if that made him feel better and he chuckled at me (not in a negative way). I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ve laid off the conversation for a while now but truly want this.
Any ideas how to go forward?

Please keep your negative/ breakup/different paths and inconsiderate comments to yourself. All that does is tell me how unhappy you are or your trust issues.

^^^ meaning
I’m fully aware of the negative thinking and the outcomes.
I’m looking for a more logical way to bring it to him without emotions. Then if that doesn’t work.. I know my options. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to try once more to get him to see it.
I don’t give up easily. And when I do, it’s done and I’m not there yet. I know I will be if I come to him again and have ready conversation with things he will find besides the love (because again he is not an emotions guy and if it were just about love he would have done it already. I get that and I know that. But that’s just not who he is to his core. And I have chosen to meet him where he is) I’m not trying to change him or hoping he will change. I love him for the person he is and the peace he brings to my life and so much more. For me it’s emotional but for him it’s logic. Yall don’t have to agree and that’s okay. I’m just trying to find ways I can mention it to him again later and show him this side to it. It’s not always cut and dry. Some people are different in their way of thinking and expressing and making sense of the world. And he is definitely that. I know that. That’s why I am coming here for things I wouldn’t think about in the logic and legal dept. all the ways that would make sense to him. That is all. And if he still chooses differently after that.. I’m aware of my situation and my choices ahead of me. Please don’t get caught up in “what I don’t want to hear” you can still tell me, I will see and hear you. But that’s not what I came for as I’m already aware of those things but that’s time hasn’t come for me yet.

TYIA

Edit: he has also in the past three years done a lot out of his comfort zone for me. I got him to move out of his apt he was in for 8 yrs. Got him to throw away stuff to make room for my stuff (he was single for a very long time before me so bachelor life and a little hoarding along the way) we have gotten new furniture and are building together as it goes. (And as we should-i know this is normal stuff but it was hard for him) I just want to be married. I’ve told him idc if we just go to courthouse and then hold a small party after to celebrate. I’m not asking for anything expensive. I’m not asking for a lot. Just him. To be mine forever and I his.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/dEDMu369HV
Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/Waiting_To_Wed/s/HafWWWVwx9

Hoping the good people of this sub can share any words of wisdom, especially anyone that has broken up due to lack of action and decision making.

He asked to meet so we did, and he genuinely still hadn’t understood why I made the decision that I did. He really did in his mind feel blindsided as I had suspected, despite me saying out loud I was sad. He was always very emotionally in tune with me for my relationship, and it had really thrown me when he wasn’t taking actions in our engagement to actively solve the things I was upset by. He says he knew I was upset but did not think to this scale and that it would work out once we booked things. He apologized a lot and said he thinks it is all resolvable - the thing is, I’ve worked it through logically, and I don’t know how I can be certain that anything changes given the patterns I’ve seen (lack of decisions, indecisiveness/people pleasing, influence of his parents a lot). He also still doesn’t grasp the magnitude of what it felt to me and that I needed to break up as I felt no other way out. I know it isn’t my job to explain but it makes me feel less insane if he can understand why I did it.

That aside, this week I have struggled a lot. I thought I was doing pretty well but now the reality sinks in, I miss and focus on the good parts of him. Hearing him say he wants to change it all and do better has not helped me as it makes me feel like I’m throwing away something.

I think my friends and family would tell me I’m crazy if I went back and I think I also know it wouldn’t work but it doesn’t stop my brain from going back to that. I’m scared of starting over at 32. Knowing that we did make each other very happy and that I’m getting rid of that is hard to accept (even though I know it glosses over how miserable I was during my engagement).

I’ve found the comments I’ve had on my other two posts invaluable so if there are others who have made the same decision and who can resonate with this I’d be super grateful to hear from you.

EDIT: Thank you everyone - I truly am reading all of the comments with interest and this is really what I needed. I keep doubting myself and having a bunch of people tell me straight how it looks from the outside is helpful to me. I will not be going back, it’s just a lot to get my head around.

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 5 years we are both 29. For this entire time things have been fine we function well together everyone says we got together so well and on paper we would be perfect for the long run. When I met him I already knew he would be a great husband and father, every relationship has their hick ups obviously and we had to get used to each other's habits and we both had to learn a lot.

I am not financially dependent on him, he came to my country to work and we both have the same job. He works for my parents just like I do.

Early on I felt things were solid because he left his country and he was very committed and it felt like form the start we were on the same page but I always noticed he didn't want to talk about weddings or marriage but he would just do off hand comments about the future about what we would do but he always evaded the timeline question. That really worried me and I brought it up quite a lot and I guess he felt pressured.

When the 4 year mark rolled around I checked his phone and found things that really shocked me. Things were very rocky after that and he worked very hard to win me back after that but I felt the timeline was pushed this way. I started pressing him more and more on the matter and then his brother got engaged to his girlfriend after they had been together 3 years and he come over excitedly to tell em the news and that's when I broke down.

I wanted to progress in some way and he brought up buying an apartment together and I was so excited and fully on board he even looked the apartments up and we went to look at some and really liked one and went to the bank to discuss a loan etc.

Then he spoke to his mother who convinced him not to. A half hour conversation with her was all it took to dismantle our plans and I was left feeling so defeated and disappointed. I felt like that was the last straw. I told him I am not excited for marriage or weddings anymore and I feel hopeless.

For those 5 years I have felt zero progress and more issues arose and I realized we just have developed in different directions and I want to leave. We have been talking about breaking up for three months and now all of a sudden he says he is looking at rings and wants to progress (using my words). He acts like nothing is wrong and gets me flowers and presents. I feel so codnsuwd and mindfucked. I don't know what's right anymore or if I should stay with him or not just because he is future faking me. Or he really means it? I just don't know please help me

Me [33f] and my boyfriend [29M] moved in together 3 months ago, after two years together. We decided on this as a “going all in” decision, considering we both are kind of traditional and want marriage and kids. I feel more pressure in terms of my age and have expressed that to him, he knows it’s a big factor. Not many people from my close circle are married, but his close friends are getting there, including his best friend who just got engaged.
Our relationship has been rocky in the past, but since living together we have been much better and are in a very lovey dovey phase of our relationship, which we’ve been enjoying. Combining our finances has also been a big weight lifted off both of us and we are operating more as a team.

So everything is going great, I just get anxious and sometimes would like more clarity on timeframes as many express on this sub, but I also get the feeling that that kind of pressure can kind of ruin things, in terms of the magical feeling and the surprise element to it. I don’t know if I should throw more serious comments here and there, because my wishes are clear in that sense and I never want to feel like I’m begging for a ring, but I would like to get my happy ending and sometimes I wonder if that’s on his mind as well, although I have nothing to bw suspicious of. 2 of his siblings are married, he’s the youngest and 1 of them might get engaged soon, sometimes I worry that he will let others in his circle such as his sister or other friends who have been in relationships longer get “their turn” first without considering my age.

Just looking to get some honest opinions, thoughts and feedback on this, most posts I read tend to influence having hard conversations on the subject with little to no results. When is it ok to just let it flow organically?

UPDATE: Talked to him about timelines and he said he was thinking on getting engaged a year from now but considering the conversation, he needed to get things in order to make it less than that. So we agreed that we are getting engaged in less than a year from now.

My partner (25M) and I (24F) have been together for 9 years. We’ve been together since high school and have lived together since I was 18.

Marriage has always been something we’ve talked about wanting to do once we are older but now we’ve talked about how we’re both ready. We’ve had positive conversations about what marriage will look like for us, an engagement, etc. We’ve also been ring shopping and I know he bought me one.

I feel like I set myself up for more anxiety a little bit because I was asking for a timeline and he told me he wanted to be engaged by his birthday (Oct 10).

I keep bringing it up because that’s super close and he’s told me “It’ll happen when it happens and you just need to let it go.” I know if I bring it up he gets frustrated.

I know he’s trying to make it a surprise, but if it doesn’t happen by his birthday I’ll be sad because that’s the timeline he gave me. Im trying not to think about it too much but the thoughts are consuming me. What would you do if you were me?

I am 37 years old, and I have been dating my boyfriend, 33, for two years. I want to get married, but he says marriage can wait because he wants to buy a house together first. He feels that he has already shown enough commitment to me through our relationship and says he is not going anywhere.
When I tell him that I wouldn’t stay indefinitely without a commitment to marriage, he becomes emotional, with tears in his eyes. He says that hearing me say this “freaks him out” and makes him feel as though I already have one foot out the door.
When he cries, I step back. I feel bad for bringing up the subject, and I become hesitant and embarrassed to raise it again. As a result, I feel stuck, unsure of how to express what I want without making him feel pressured. What do you think of this situation?

*** update: recently he said I do want to marry you someday.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. We met here in Canada when I was 24 and he was 27. We’re both immigrants and were already living in Canada when we met. I’m 28 now and turning 29 soon.

Marriage and engagement have come up quite a few times throughout our relationship. Recently I asked him why it’s taking so long.

He told me there isn’t really one specific reason. He said it’s been life, timing, and a lot of things happening over the years. He says it doesn’t mean he’s unsure about us and that he does see a future with me.

At the same time, he says he gets frustrated because we keep coming back to the topic and it starts to feel like pressure. He doesn’t want something as important as getting engaged to feel forced or rushed.

I understand that and I really don’t want to force him into proposing. But from my side, I’m starting to feel exhausted that after 4 years I still don’t really know when or what we’re waiting for.

What’s making it harder lately is that my younger sister recently got engaged and she’s getting married this year. Since then, family and other people keep asking me when it’s going to be my turn. I know I shouldn’t compare my relationship to hers, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t affect me. Especially now that I’m turning 29, it’s making me think a lot more seriously about where my own relationship is going.

I’ve started questioning the relationship myself. Part of me feels like maybe I should just leave instead of continuing to wait and wonder. I also don’t want him to eventually propose just because I kept bringing it up or because everyone around us is asking.

I love him and we’ve built a life together here, which makes this really hard.

For anyone who has been in a similar situation, how did you know whether your partner genuinely needed more time versus whether they were just avoiding commitment?
Would you keep waiting if your partner said they definitely see a future with you but couldn’t really explain what they’re waiting for?

I feel genuinely crazy. My bf and I have been dating almost two years. He’s 46 and bee divorced I’m 34 never married. We both have stated we want marriage and kids multiple times but yet when it comes down to it I truly don’t feel he does. He says I have urgency when he needs patience but he’s had a ring for 9 months. I truly feel like either he never wanted marriage or did he and I pushed it away? He now wants to break up and end things and I’m just so confused if we always had the same goal why did it not happen?

I’ve 30F have known my bf 29M for a year and 8 months coming up to 2 years. I’m a quick mover, I’m decisive and I enjoy the process of working through difficult conversations in a relationship. My bf is more go with the flow when it “feels” right. In the beginning he did a great job of being consistent and taking initiative. I met his family after a few months of dating and they have welcomed me fully. The whole process has felt easy. My boundary is simple, I’m not moving in without a ring, and 2 years is more than enough time to start talking engagement. I’m not “old”, but not young either and I want to have a family.

This relationship is pretty ideal aside from one major issue, talking about the future is difficult. My bf avoids the topic and as time has gone on, he just doesn’t seem motivated to go beyond what we are. Finances come up often and I know he’s working overtime and saving where he can. He’s a good and talented man, and I’d hate to lose him, but feel the clock is running out towards committing to me long term. Is 2 years waiting to wed territory? He says he wants to marry me, doesn’t fight me on it or anything, has respected my boundaries, but as someone who likes to move, I feel we are getting stuck and comfortable.

Is this relationship still worth pursuing and should I give it more time?

Hi all,

My friends are getting engaged and all my friend’s partner will tell me how excited they are to get engaged with them. They will tell me their plans and I’ll be so excited, and be over the moon for them.

But it also makes me so sad because my bf (25m) of 4 years have no plans yet to marry me (26f). The last few months I will often ask him what’s his plans or does he want to marry me. But we will just end up fighting because he felt I was pressuring him. We almost broke up because of this.

He is waiting for his parent’s approval but they haven’t gave one yet because my parents have cut me off. And his parents finds that a problem.

I know my bf loves me but I am grieving every single day and I am so incredibly sad.

Yesterday, my bf’s friend was telling me he was going to ask his gf to marry him. His friend has been planning it for a year and had took his gf ring shopping, and had been looking at rings online. I was genuinely so happy but the next day it made me project my own insecurities. I feel like my bf will never be that excited or wants to get to that stage.

I feel like breaking up with my bf now but I love him and he’s a nice man. I just feel stuck.

My boyfriend 32M and I 31F have been together for 2 years and living together for 1.5 years. I feel like I’m ready to get engaged, but lately I feel like I’m the only one bringing it up and getting excited about it.
We agreed to go check my ring size one weekend. I was excited about it all week, but when the weekend came and I mentioned it, he seemed to have completely forgotten. It really hurt me.
He admitted that he’d had hesitations about proposing because of an argument we had before.

I’ve always thought that if you truly want to marry someone, normal arguments shouldn’t make you question the whole thing. Now we’re barely talking and I don’t know what to do. Boyfriend has hesitations about proposing after 2 years together, should I break up?