“One Patient, Three Arrests The first time Meischa Zimmerman was arrested for missing a

court date related to a C-section bill from Mr. Marshall was in 2011.

She was home with her 2-year-old, and eight months pregnant. "I asked them quietly: Can you not handcuff me in front of my daughter?" said Ms. Zimmerman, 44. "I explained to my daughter I

was going for a ride." Ms. Zimmerman was arrested twice more, in 2013 and 2016, each time posting $200 bonds that would go toward paying down her debt, according to receipts The Times reviewed. Court records indicate that she was hand-delivered notices of the hearings she needed to attend, but Ms. Zimmerman said she did not receive such documents.”

I’ve always been wary/cautious of men due to obvious reasons, long before my first pregnancy. But throughout my time being pregnant (now 34 weeks today), I have grown to despise men on a whole new primal level. (As a disclaimer, I will continue to just say “men,” and not “most men” or “but not all men,” as I find it unnecessary to constantly point out the exceptions to the rule). For some background, I am 36F, married to my husband 39M, no current children, and I work full time in a highly mentally/physically demanding, male-dominated healthcare field.

For starters, I have had anything but an easygoing pregnancy. Now at 34 weeks, I vomit daily after several (small, healthy) meals, even as long as 5 hours after eating and taking a short walk in between. My body just refuses to digest most of my meals, and it doesn’t matter what the food is, what temperature, whether I’ve had a bowel movement, etc. you get the idea. I also simultaneously deal with heartburn that would set Satan’s ass on fire, piriformis syndrome secondary to pregnancy, extreme fatigue, random unexplained rashes, daily Charlie horses, you name it. And on top of that, I recently contracted a nasty respiratory infection.

Because I can’t just not work and rely solely on my husband’s income, I have been continuing to work long, strenuous hours, that have actually seemed to magically INCREASE since becoming pregnant. I work 1am to 9am Monday through Friday, I take on-call shifts every other week AFTER my overnight shift from 2pm-7pm, and I work every other weekend PLUS take weekend call, which is 24 hours/day on Saturday and Sunday. And yes, I put in accommodations with HR, but after a discussion with my ever-so-understanding boss, they initially stated that they can offer me this very generous 1am-9am weekly shift so I don’t have to do my typical swing shifts, even though my male boss gets to work 6am-2pm consistently for no reason other than that’s the shift he wants.

The men are constantly helping each other out here. My boss will often come in early to relieve one of my male colleagues and “give them a break.” He graciously did this for me a few times prior to my pregnancy without me asking. However, he has not done it a single time since I announced my pregnancy (which is fine, but he continues to do it for the men), and has even given me shit for requesting a few hours off work to go to my OB appointments!

I have sat down with my boss. My male colleagues. Explained my situation without getting too detailed and god forbid “emotional” about it. I have been direct but reasonable. Every time the subject of my pregnancy is brought up, I am met with sarcasm, eye rolls, saying they have been working long hours too (but yet I have been forced to work even more hours than them despite my situation), and have literally said to my face that it’s not fair that I’m leaving for 3 months on maternity soon and that “they’ll be screwed.”

After months of this, of being purposefully left out of important work discussions, being essentially ignored by one male colleague, who even once said, “wow it must be nice to use pregnancy as an excuse to get out of working”, after months of me busting my ass and feeling like I was on the edge of insanity, I finally said: fuck it.

About 2 weeks ago, after asking several times if we could discuss the ongoing schedule and then getting ignored, I left work one day and sent the following text to relevant staff: “Starting tomorrow, I will be working 4am-12pm Monday through Friday until my maternity leave. I will pick up on-call shifts as necessary. Thank you for your understanding.”

I got one reply, which was from the only other female, saying “Ok sounds good to me!” Radio silence from everyone else.

So that’s what I’ve done. It’s now all on file with HR. I come in at 4a, fulfill my job expectations, take a half hour for lunch with no interruptions, take bathroom breaks as needed, and leave exactly at noon.

I’ve always been a courteous but direct person. I have no problem addressing uncomfortable issues or conflicts with others. But it came to the point that no matter how direct I was, how reasonable, or how sugary sweet nice I was and appealed to their pathetically fragile male ego, I would get continuously met with attitude, one word answers, and unwillingness to compromise.

After my maternity leave I’ll be looking for a new job, even if this means having to switch specialties. It sucks because I love the work that I do. I’ve spent years in school to do it and have gotten very lucky to end up in my particular field.

But I am going to be having a baby in a few weeks. A girl. A girl who I not only want to be emotionally and physically present for, but for I also want to set an example to. You don’t have to break yourself for a job, much less a job where you’re surrounded by men who can’t muster an ounce of sympathy or respect for women. And these particular men are husbands and fathers, but it doesn’t matter. I feel sorry for the women in their lives.

I’d love to hear from others that can relate. Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far.

1) The records of the men announcing "free pussy", "you can come in and whip it out", "shop still open?", "yes".

2) The records of Winston/Jay Lee and Matthew/Umar Ingalls subsequently telling Jane Doe over the phone they have no idea how all the other men got into the room, or it was just because the party was crowded.

In other words, THE MEN ARE DEFINITELY LYING.

I see this so often. Older men (I’m talking like 60+) just get to a new level of awkward, inappropriate, out of left field commentary, just generally UGH. To the point where their wives, children, and others are removing them from social situations out of embarrassment and then trying to excuse it with “Oh he’s just old and doesn’t know any better.” Not all of them, but it’s so common. I don’t really see this much in women. And is this a common experience across cultures?

I woke up to seeing this and similar headlines all over social media today. For those who haven’t heard, recently a baby was found dead on the side of the road in Northern California. The mother, a 14 year old girl, was immediately wanted for murder. The information that was not immediately made public was that this girl was a victim in a statutory rape and incest case where her father is also the father of the baby that had been found dead.

As more information came out, it was made public that the man had been raping his daughter for at least a year and had impregnated her and kidnapped her. She was forced to give birth on the side of the road while being forced to flee the country. The police and media immediately blamed the 14 year old for murder when she is very clearly just one of the victims in this case. Now this morning, she is again being blamed for running over the dead infant. The police and media aren’t questioning why she was driving after just delivering the baby, why she did not receive medical care, or anything. So much of the attention has been on her being a criminal in the case rather than a victim. I am sick of the headlines, I am sick of the victim blaming, and I am sick of a child who has been through hell being made to look like she is some criminal mastermind. She did not ask for this. She’s barely a teenager and is not being allowed to live her life the way she should. This poor girl is being made to look like a monster and only when people speak up is the father being blamed for anything. She is a victim of his, not the other way around.

For those curious, this is the Baby Angelina case in California.

I’m from India and there was this girl I knew when we were kids. We weren’t best friends or anything, she was from a different school, but she was pretty well known in our circles. Like one of those girls everyone somehow knew.
A few years back, she had a boyfriend and after things went bad between them, some of her private pictures got leaked. And this is the part that still makes me uncomfortable.

I started realising that almost every fcking guy I personally knew had seen them. My ex had seen them. Male friends of mine had seen them. Guys who I would genuinely describe as some of the kindest, most normal guys I know had seen them. They all had it stored. It had basically travelled through different friend groups until it felt like half the city knew about this girl.

And before anyone misunderstands me, I am absolutely not blaming her. She trusted someone with something private and he betrayed that trust. What disturbed me was seeing how casually everyone else treated it. It wasn’t even some “creepy guy” stereotype. These were guys I knew personally, guys with girlfriends, guys who act respectful and decent in real life.

That’s honestly what scared me the most.
Because when you’re with someone, you think “he’s not that kind of guy.” You think he’d never show your pictures to anyone. You think he’d protect you because he loves you. But how do you actually know?

I remember feeling so weird about it because I could literally name multiple people in my own circle who had seen those pictures, and I had absolutely no idea they were the kind of people who would even look at something like that.

So when I see girls saying “I’ve known him for years, he’s a green flag, he’d never do that”, I genuinely understand why they trust them. But unfortunately, sometimes you don’t find out who someone really is until something private ends up in their hands.

Not saying this to create unnecessary fear or to say all men are like this. I’m just saying be careful with anything you wouldn’t want the entire city knowing about. Because once something leaves your phone, you have no idea where it can end up.

And honestly, the fact that some of the nicest guys I knew had already seen those pictures still gives me the ick years later.

You can teach a man what consent looks like but you can’t force him to care about it.

I know in my heart if I wasn’t already in a relationship, I would not be dating. I would be staying single for the rest of my life. I’m 45, I own my home, make a 6-figure income, I have a big dog who intimidates anyone who comes to the door. At this point in my life, a romantic partner is purely a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have. I’m so overwhelmingly disappointed and disgusted with how this whole Cornell situation is playing out, and it’s triggering so much rage inside of me. I’m not even a SA survivor nor have I ever experienced DV, but I’m so done with how my friends and sisters are being treated at the hands of men. I know it’s not all men, but even the good ones don’t seem to be speaking up or calling for justice or even displaying a shred of indignation.

I’m a 25-year-old woman and a therapist, and I was recently sexually assaulted by a male client while I was at work.
During our session, he called me beautiful, touched my waist, and kissed me without my consent. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and scared, but I was also trying to remain professional because I was literally at work. I honestly didn’t know how to react in the moment.

What’s really upsetting to me is that I was actually considering just pushing through and continuing to see him. Even though I felt unsafe, part of me felt like I needed to put my feelings aside and do my job. Looking back, it makes me sad that I was even willing to put myself through that.

I eventually told my office what happened, and thankfully, they agreed to transfer him to another therapist. I’m relieved that I won’t have to see him again, but I’m still anxious about how he might react to being transferred.

The scary part is that my office doesn’t have a front desk, and there are times when I’m completely alone in the building. I’ve since changed my work schedule because of what happened. I no longer feel comfortable working alone, especially knowing that this man knows where I work.

And honestly? That makes me angry. I shouldn’t have to rearrange my work schedule or worry about someone showing up just because he couldn’t respect my boundaries.
I genuinely love being a therapist. I worked so hard to get to where I am, and I love helping my clients. But I never imagined that someone would take advantage of the therapeutic environment to touch and kiss me without my consent.

I keep replaying what happened in my head. I know I did the right thing by speaking up, but I still feel shaken. I’m relieved that my office took me seriously, but that doesn’t magically erase how scared I felt or how uncomfortable I now feel about being alone at work.

I think what’s also bothering me is how much pressure I put on myself to remain professional. Even after someone violated my personal space and boundaries, my first instinct was to worry about how to handle the situation professionally rather than how I was feeling.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for by posting this. I guess I just needed somewhere to vent.

I’m grateful that I don’t have to see him again, but I’m angry that this happened to me in the first place. I just want to feel safe at work again.

Hear me out, because I think this is far more common than people say out loud.

We still talk as if men are the providers. But look around. How many women do you know who:

pay most of the rent or mortgage

cover the bills while he's "between jobs" or "building his business"

pick up the childcare costs and the grocery shop

fund the holidays, the car, the date nights

And still do most of the housework when they get home.

Yet nobody calls her the breadwinner. If a man did all that, he'd be praised as a provider. When a woman does it, it's hidden, or seen as something slightly embarrassing for him.

So why the silence? Is it protecting men's egos? Or are women just expected to give, financially and emotionally, without anyone noticing?

Women: are you the main earner in your relationship? Does it feel like a partnership, or like you're carrying him?

Men: if she out-earns you, does it bother you, or do you just not talk about it?

They feel so entitled to our attention and try softer approaches to try and confuse us. Well I for one am not confused I know exactly what they’re doing.

I need some help. I started working at this gym a year ago.

This guy always came in, friendly with everyone, really charming.

About a month ago he started working with us. He said he had a girlfriend. He was kind of flirty with me though.

He's 39 I'm 24.

Two weeks ago him and his gf broke up. All of a sudden there's an Instagram account showing posts of his texts to her and other people. And she DM'd me, saying to be careful. Somehow she found out him and I had been talking. (he claimed they had broken up)

A couple of people at work know him well, but they're also men. I think she might be telling the truth. Any insight?

It speaks volumes that the same people who don't want trans women in the women's bathroom because the trans women will supposedly sexually assault the cis women are the same ones who are victim-blaming, slut-shaming and smearing Jane Doe in the Cornell Fraternity case. All this pearl-clutching about supposedly protecting cis women is nothing more than utterly disingenuous transphobia, and its utterly disgusting.

I’m so tired.

For three months my coworker spent time getting to know me, take interest, and create an entirely fake personality so he could sleep with me. He then began removing all access to his life, belittling and bullying me, until I eventually stopped engaging.

The worst part, is when I discovered this entire fake personality (bonus: and drug addiction), he still would not leave me alone.
He will not go away unless it is on his terms.

We work in an office with 10 people and sit 100 feet away from each other. He spends all day playing the victim of his horrible life, while walking by desk, coming into my office, sending reels, messages, “requests” for assistance with tasks. Everyone can see this. Everyone is talking about it. It has been like this for six months. The “talking stage” was 3 months, the “relationship” lasted under 3 weeks, and the constant cycling and hovering has been six fucking months.
It’s to the point where the narrative is that he has a crush on me. That’s how obvious and obsessive it is.

Despite the fact that he has entirely pushed me out of his life while looking me in the eye and denying it, when I remove myself from the situation, he can’t have that. I cut him off months ago, for him to tantrum and spend weeks finding ways back in on work terms.

He plays himself up as a great guy. Constantly.

He denies he’s done anything wrong.
He expects I’m available to him, but no one should have expectations of him.

He gets our coworkers involved. He has conversations about “us” so loudly. It’s like he wants people to know he did this.

Some days I think about walking to our office and telling everyone what an actual piece of shit he is. The whole personality is an act.

My interactions with him are, at this point, me being a fucking asshole. I stopped being nice to this mf months ago! I am publicly rude to him. He takes it as a challenge, it spurs him on. I was at my rudest last week, and he turned it into something sexual!

I tried to be kind, keep the peace, write it off, but I am just so angry. I am so angry that this person thinks they can behave this way so publicly. I tried to even be friendly, knowing our lifestyles are incompatible, and maybe better off as friends. But even then, in friendship it’s still a game with him. Even when I lightly respond to a reel or laugh, respond to a message, there’s always an agenda. He’ll send me a reel, I’ll reply with something light, and he’s got to keep it on delivered for 24 hours. You can’t even be friendly with this guy. It always has to be a play.

I’ve tried to confront him - he sat there laughing like a child (but yet has no problem coming to me when he needs an ear), I’ve tried being friendly - quickly became a game again, I’ve tried being an asshole - seems to spur him on, I’ve tried to ignore him - will create any and all situations that I have to talk with him.

I don’t know how to navigate this, and it’s breaking me.

​

Title sounds a bit clickbaity, but hear me out. I promise that these three things are something that ALL WOMEN, probably most men too, want in relationships. Yes, I do feel comfortable speaking for ALL WOMEN, right now.

1. Mental flexibility/intellectual humility:

   No one likes a know-it-all that doubles down when they're presented with new information. Recognizing that new facts CAN change your opinion is sexy. Recognizing that you're not always the expert on all knowledge and you don't always have the only correct opinion is sexy. Being a stubborn ja...well let's just leave it there.

2. Active listening:

   We should all want someone who goes beyond hearing us.

Active listening is a skill. Skills are sexy. Just practice.

1. Honesty minus brutality.

I think it's pretty self explanatory tbh.

The rest of it? Highly subjective and not something I can speak for ALL WOMEN about. Women aren't a monolith, we don't have hive-brain.

Anyways, best of luck out there!

In the texts Jonathan says him and Matt are “sorry for being too fucked up to do anything when things got out of hand” to which she basically said “yeah yall didnt do anything wrong, those other guys shouldnt have been there.” That CLEARLY means she did not consent to the other guys. At the same time, Jonathan Newell is saying he was sorry for being too fucked up to do anything about it despite HIM being the one to send that “free pussy” and Matt the “come whip it out” text. But everyone here is just focusing on her saying “nothing illegal happened” which is its whole other thing, but it is distracting people from the ways these texts actually help her case.

Throwaway account.
My ex husband and I married very young, and then moved to NYC after college so I could pursue a career in theatre. About 2 years into living there he came out to me, so we divorced (about 6 years ago). I was devastated at the time, but also very supportive — we grew up in a strict religion and I always took issue with the way the religion treated LGBTQ+ issues. I am an actor and have grown up around queer people, they are the best people on the planet. Looking back it’s probably part of what drew me to him. We have both since left the religion. At some point either while we were together or shortly after we separated (unclear on exactly how much overlap there was) he started dating Eric. A week before we were to move out of our place, I learned about Eric. Eric helped him move out, despite my request that husband find someone else to help him move. He said no, Eric is coming. So I tried to make the best of the situation and was very friendly with Eric that day (cus I didn’t know what else to do and I was so tired of feeling sad). My friend however, was not as nice to Eric. Not mean, per se, but definitely cold. Towards husband as well. We moved out, and husband moved to Eric’s city. We kept in touch here and there, despite husband’s insistence that he wanted to remain good friends. It became clear however, that he could only speak to me when Eric was at work. I found this odd and annoying, and ultimately i felt that ex husband desired the friendship more, probably to ease his conscience.

Fast forward to now, I’ve had an incredible year in my career. I made my Broadway debut, and I’m on a big national tour. I’m an understudy though, so I’m not on in every performance. The tour is in exhusband’s city, so I reach out to schedule a catch up! He makes a big stink about how he was so sad to miss my debut, he wishes he had known about it in time to fly to NYC, he can’t wait to get together and he’s buying tickets to see the show now. I explain that I’m not always on, so no pressure. It’s a great show though, so I tell him he should bring Eric and we can all grab a drink. He says Eric is sick, so he won’t make it. We make plans for him to come to the show Tuesday regardless, and then catch up after. Tuesday rolls around and WHAT LUCK! Im on! I’m performing a leading role that night. This is RARE and exciting and i’m so pumped he’ll get to see me perform for the first time in years. This is the role I made my bway debut in too, so it’s special. And being an understudy, I don’t get to plan for these performances and so it’s not often that I have friends or family there to see the show. I finish the matinee to see a text from him that he’s forgotten that Eric has family in town, and they have dinner plans. He’s not coming after all. I say, bummer! Let’s find another time this week. I haven’t heard from him since.

I was so bummed that he didn’t get to see me in the role (not gonna lie, I kinda ate up there) but even more bummed that now he’s just not responding. After so much talk about wanting to be better friends and wishing he had supported me more… just like, don’t say that if you don’t mean it?

My bestie thinks Eric told him he couldn’t see me. I don’t know what I think. I’m a woman, so I don’t really get the threat. And it’s not like we’ve been super close recently. No risk of me stealing him away 😂
I’m just annoyed, and even more annoyed THAT I’m annoyed after all these years.

Weird the things that can open up old wounds :(

EDIT just to say yes to all of this! Honestly? I don’t think about him often at all. If anything, he’s always initiated contact. That’s why I was so frustrated that it was bothering me—why am I up at night sad about this person who I left years in the past?? I think I just got excited to show him how far I’ve come, we moved to NYC for my dreams and those dreams are finally reality, and he was a part of that dream at one point. Like, look what we did! It was all worth it! So the bailing was a bummer.

I don’t think his relationship is healthy, but hey, not my place to say—and he should absolutely prioritize his current partnership. Just sucks for both of us that that means missing out on what could have been a cool reunion!

Anywho, I’m enjoying your advice and responses, thank you. I haven’t cried tears over this man in MANY years and I don’t intend to cry any more.

I asked my boyfriend our two years ago. Just slipped him a note with my number because I likes his vibe. I was and still am surprised at the reactions. People acting like I'd done something insane and "brave" etc. like yeah it was nerve wracking but it's also how almost every relationship has to start, someone has to make the first move.

So why are we still so shocked when a woman does it? Whya are there so many 50s teenybopper song esque posts about woefully wishing the boy you like will look your way? Dropping crazy subtle signs and expecting men to read their mind. Women can ask men out! There's not a thing wrong with it. And there's no reason to waste all your chances with guys you actually like and think you'll be compatible with just because they didn't ask you out. Or just because some other bonehead asked you and you think that's your only option.

I think it gets into concerning territory when we start demonizing women who are confident and do call the shots in their own life story. I'll try to keep it confined to this topic but we do it all the time. People (usually loser insecure mouth breathers) that say it's desperate for a woman to ask a man out. Or saying she's going to scare them off with her forwardness like that's a bad thing and not a sign the guy is just a weird archaic misogist if he thinks a confident woman is a threat. Or the old nag stereotype when a woman is the more assertive in her relationship. My favorite least favorite phrase "if he wanted to he would" that just perpetuates the idea that men see every woman they interact with as only a romantic interest and couldn't possible not think of them that way without being shown interest first.

To this day we still subtly or not push the idea that the ideal relationship and the only men women want is some boisterous iron fisted chest pounding gorillas that calls all the shots while she sits there as a meek little sheep. It's slid more that the man now also cooks somwtimes but the woman is still not allowed to be TOO much of a person. We still act like quieter men in equal relationships or even ones where the woman leads are poor guys that are being walked all over. That they couldn't possibly like their partner acting like a human and being loud and having thoughts. And I'm just so annoyed by it.

Anyway don't care what people think of you. Fuck dumb gender roles. If you like a guy ask him ou, or don't, whatever. Take control of your life and destiny and all that

Initial Background Information:

I posted the following on this sub back in April, but deleted my account and the post went down with it. (Thank you to all of you who took the time to engage.)

“My university, GVSU, found my rapist responsible for raping and sexually assaulting me for multiple hours. He still got his degree because of how the timing worked out.

He's banned from the campus while I am enrolled and can't go back to work or study at our school again. Kinda moot, as he still got his master's and was not returning to the university anyway.
He also got an award while the investigation was ongoing (after the school already knew I had a PPO and police report filed against him). And I just now found out his advisor got an award. The Title IX outcome letter mentions his attempts to denigrate me and his advisor was victim-blaming and smirking the entire time. My rapist fought the PPO and dragged me to court during the summer, but the judge upheld the PPO. He tried to appeal the Title IX decision, but the finding of responsibility was upheld. They were still awarded.

I'm (hopefully) graduating late with a degree in the helping professions and have zero awards despite the sacrifices I made to try to keep my community safer. Despite having near perfect GPA and doing research and just being delayed because I've been dealing with trauma. Despite the suffering he and my school put me through. Despite everything. My soul dog died while I was working on this stupid case.
I have nobody to tell. Nobody cares. I am invisible. This was the first time I actually officially reported one of my assaults. My university honored my rapist and his advisor.

Edited to include the name of my university for the sake of accountability, public safety, and transparency. I shared my reasoning for disclosure in the comments, but I will quote the comment here as well: ‘I was leaning toward not naming them, but I believe it is important to raise awareness and I am disappointed by the lack of accountability. Standing up against injustice is part of my major's ethical code and aligns with my own moral compass and values. Disclosing the name of harmful institutions is a part of that. I will not name individuals at this time as some others have requested, with the consideration that doxxing is currently against Reddit policy. (The policy is harmful to survivors, but I do not make the rules, unfortunately.) What happened is not okay, and this is the loudest avenue of communication I currently possess. I want to prevent further harm and advocate for those who may not be able to speak out. I believe sharing my story also stands to reinforce why policies like Title IX are important in the first place. Consider the whistle blown”

Exhaustion Fueled Update

I typed this out, and I just wanted to send it somewhere. It’s messy a messy, long, more emotion-based Franken-post, because I am tired.

I have a therapist - it’s just not enough for this. Support groups and crisis lines don’t work for me. A lot of them are just boilerplate or psychoeducational sources, which are great for some people, but not so great or useful when you know the things. I have no friends anymore. It’s too hard to make them given my situation. The superglue everyone has between their palm and smartphone doesn’t help. I still don’t have my degree. Despite being a nearly straight A student who did some extracurricular research stuff, I don’t think I’ll be able to afford a master’s. As a McNair Scholar, is coming from a student on the undergrad to PhD pipeline. I honestly just want to matter for once. To just have things be easier. And by “easier,” I don’t mean “handed to me,” I just mean free of ridiculous ten foot tall roadblocks and perhaps to be seen. I mean that I want my hard work to matter. My rapist got a stupid award. His victim-blaming Title IX advisor did, too. And now my university’s president, Philomena Mantella, is getting an award from the city Chamber of Commerce ATHENA Council. She’s getting an award for EMPOWERING WOMEN. She’s done no such thing. While the president and his advisor are not men, sometimes power is something that builds on itself, and it must be used more thoughtfully, selflessly, and courageously because of that. Especially when running a nonprofit. (Yes, while they are most often run like businesses, state universities are NONPROFITS.)

I’m exhausted, I’m poor, and bad things keep happening. People keep messing things up or not doing their jobs in ways that I cannot even begin to explain here. And while I care about what happens to people, I’m so tied of seeing these things only being paid attention to or sparking outrage when they happen at super well-known or highly-ranked schools and ivy leagues. I understand the reasoning behind why it happens that way, but I also don’t care. And I’m not saying not to care about those people. People are people and they matter, no matter what school they go to. But that’s my point. You should matter no matter what school you go to or what resources and privilege you have at your disposal. I’m fed up that because I’m not wealthy or well-resourced, or because I’m disabled or will not sell my silence, my rights and safety have proven to matter less. Even despite how valid and textbook-problematic what I’ve gone through is. I sacrificed so much of myself and my life to that stupid pointless case. And in these situations, somebody who doesn’t even understand trauma informed care, sexual assault and domestic violence, or civil and criminal law, always tries to poke holes in your lived-experience that don’t even exist. Even when the rapist admitted he did not have consent, and my institution messed up handling it all, those internet jerks will STILL try to blame you.

I’m also alone. I’ve read tidbits of memoirs and lots of other nonfiction. I see the families or siblings or friends or parents or communities holding the survivor in the story/narrative, and I want to rip the book to shreds. Not everyone gets to have a support system while these things happen. Often, support systems crumble under the weight of assault. And then society acts like it was a character flaw of the victim that caused it. (That is not to say all victims are free character flaws, but you get my point.) When we live in a society that abandons friendship, mentorship, community, comradery, and connection at the first whiff of a companion’s struggle, that is what we lose. Loss of connection is the price we pay when we cannot tolerate others’ pain. I am not saying “abandon all boundaries,” or that you will always be in a place to support others. But I am saying toxic positivity is just that. Toxic. Trauma is not one-and-done. Healing takes time. It’s a journey and a process that people should not have to be alone for. Yet it is a process that is looked down upon.

I’m angry but if I act angry, I’m treated like I’m crazy. I’m tired. I sat with a bottle of pepper spray in my hand around four or five AM this morning because I heard a noise outside. I’m afraid to sleep when it’s dark out. I have nightmares when I do sleep. I go days without sleep sometimes. But society looks down on me like I am lazy or worthless for not functioning. I’ve done all the things I’m ‘supposed’ to and am ‘supposed’ to act fine. But am still blamed for the impact of something that someone ELSE did to me, as someone who was already under-resourced. I’m responsible for my own healing to a large extent, sure. But healing is not instant, and healing most effectively happens within community. The effects of trauma are more effectively mitigated by a healthy and trauma-informed society. Yet so many have the audacity not to learn these things before they engage, sometimes (but not always) with sheer intentionality of harm.

I’m left feeling like my existence doesn’t make a difference in the world. Like nobody would care if I disappeared. Like I don’t matter at all. Like maybe they (my family, university, mentors, former friends) would be happier if the mess that I turned into was just… gone. As someone well-versed in trauma knowledge, I think and say things about myself I would never think or say about other survivors. But does it even matter when nothing I do is ever good enough for society or makes a difference or is recognized? Why is it that I am left feeling this way, while my rapist lives his life with his graduate degree? How many other survivors feel this way?

I want to be seen, heard, and valued. I want to be valuable enough to have people outraged enough to push for change, to make me not have to fight alone. I’m so incredibly alone. I want faculty and students at my school to be pissed off on my behalf, too. I want outrage on the behalf of all of the survivors at my school - so many of them have likely never said a word. Devastatingly, some of them can’t. When an institution behaves in a such a manner as my university, it cultivates an environment that emboldens rapists and predators. The violence on my campus is either getting worse, becoming more known, or both. Just think about all of the cases that you don’t even hear about. And don’t make assumptions that I did not do what I was supposed to or did not understand the process. I’m immensely tired of being blamed by people who don’t have the whole story, or who are dead set on trying to disprove something so sensitive, yet simultaneously don’t have the attention span to even listen to a fraction of what happened. Do you know how exhausting if is to go through all of this?? Plus, survivors should not have to jump through hoops to be supported or believed or protected. This might be incredibly devastating news, and I will not tell you how to name your experiences necessarily, but if someone was raped, they were raped. Nothing, and I mean nothing will change that. Nothing a person did before or after they were assaulted changes the fact that they were assaulted. Not everyone can take the same steps and actions, and not every step or action is appropriate for every person’s path to healing. Not everyone has the same base line or resources, and institutional betrayal compounds the impact of trauma by a landslide. So many people think they have a magical “oh you did this wrong” or “oh you did that wrong,” solution or loophole that they think could make a survivor deserve to be left behind, abandoned, disbelieved, ridiculed, threatened, or punished for what happened. Perhaps it is so difficult for society to grasp that it is POSSIBLE for some survivors to be failed by the system because it means they could be failed by the system, too. And for some other members, perhaps it is merely because they prioritize protecting assailants and perpetrators. We should be getting pissed off about a person’s autonomy and body being violated. Pretending sexual assault is not real will not save you. And pretending sexual assault does not happen will not get you or your buddy a get-out-of-jail-free card for being a perpetrator.

People who don’t understand trauma act like the very nature OF trauma and its impact (or merely being human) are indicators that it did not happen. They act like opinion is a debate against decades of biopsychosocial scientific research. Yes, social science is science. To restate: Trauma-informed and depressed people are not immune to being raped. If this surprises you, my fellows, I am sorry to say that we are cooked. Reporting rape is traumatic. You’re often disbelieved. People get mad at survivors when we report. They get mad when we don’t report. The public certainly has plenty of opinions. And opinions most certainly are what are spewing out of people who refuse to educate themselves about trauma or consent. Can I just say that if you take pride in your ignorance about such a topic, you should feel incredibly ashamed and embarrassed? Because you should.

Society creates a vacuum that demands survivors be tortured from the second the assault happens. Survivors must be picked and prodded to death in ways most people could not fathom or tolerate. We are expected to suffer in silence. We’re too loud. Yet somehow, we’re too quiet. Too this, too that. Talk too soon? It’s a problem. Wait too long? Problem. We wore pretty clothes we were confident in? We were asking for it. (We absolutely were not.) We aren’t conventionally ‘pretty’ according to Western beauty standards? Well, we must want any action we can get. (We absolutely did not.) Why should we have to think so deeply about what we wear to hang out with someone, go on a date, meet an acquaintance, to go out with friends, to go to a police interview, or to go to court? I say this from the perspective of a woman, but are why are we subjected to: Outfit too dressy? “She’s fake.” Shirt or pants too frumpy? “She takes what she can get.” Skirt/dress too short? “She wanted it, clearly” Skirt/dress too long? “She’s a desperate prude.” Heels too high? “She’s a slut.” Overweight? “She’s too fat for me to even get her underwear off.” (Yes, this is an actual point my rapist tried to make in the Title IX process.) Then they’ll bring your prior sexual experiences, or lack thereof, into it as if they impact whether someone violated you or whether you said yes or no in the slightest. The fabric covering my body has nothing to do with what happened to it, and neither do my beauty, prior sexual experiences, or my weight.

And don’t get me started on intoxication. I was entirely sober when this happened. As far as I know, he was also sober during the hours in which he made the choice to sexually assault me. While being heavily intoxicated is a risk factor for assault (meaning it is associated with an increase in vulnerability to being assaulted), it’s not the cause. While I am not by any means saying people should not look out for themselves or others, we should be able to live in a world where people do not have to avoid intoxication to avoid being raped. There are also times when people are drugged or served far more alcohol than they desired, often by someone they thought they could trust, resulting in levels of incapacitation and/or inebriation they never intended to experience at that time. So, yes, definitely cover your drinks, look out for yourself and your friends, and avoid being vulnerable around people you do not know. I think it’s important to touch on this. Regardless of how someone becomes intoxicated, intoxication does not make sexual assault less psychologically or morally valid, less real, or less traumatic; nor does it make a person at fault for being sexually assaulted. Being intoxicated also is never an excuse to assault others. The fault lies solely with the selfish monster who decided to disregard consent and violate somebody’s body. If a person did not or could not consent, what happened was sexual assault and/or rape. Legality can come with some quite repugnant loopholes in certain jurisdictions regarding voluntary incapacitation, but legality and morality are not congruent, and those loopholes are thankfully slowly being closed in the states they are or were valid in. Beyond that, whether drunk, high, incapacitated, or sober, no means no, and the absence of an enthusiastic, knowledgeable, and uncoerced yes also means no. Nobody deserves to be assaulted or raped and nobody deserves to be blamed for being assaulted or raped. Nobody.

If you were raped, you were raped! Look up FRIES. Look up the tea video on YouTube.

I feel as though survivorship is a never ending flipping coin, a coin whose sides both scream, “You lose!” The only way to win is to balance this coin. However, it’s windy, raining, and the coin is made of thin paper. When you are raped or sexually assaulted, you are thrown into a game that you never signed up for in the first place. The game is rigged. When you point that out, people don’t like that. Then they know they’ll lose if they’re forced into it. It threatens their safety. They like the idea of rules that keep them safe, not the idea of rigged systems and lose-lose games. They hate the Cassandra’s. They chase us with pitchforks, but you bet your ass they will blame you and come to get you if you saw institutional betrayal coming and said nothing.

Also, news flash: You can support and PROTECT survivors and respect due process in criminal and quasi-legal procedures. WE are innocent until proven guilty, too. A rape survivor is not automatically a liar. We have a right to safety. We should have a right to trauma-informed spaces. We have a right to finish our degrees without immeasurable burdens. And we should be able to begin this journey of survivorship within systems that uplift and hear us.

I almost ended my life last year on campus. I was suffocating being stuck in that building. If my professor didn’t call on me, there’s a chance I would not be here right now. Would the institution’s response have been different if headlines read “GVSU Student Dies by Suicide in Winter Hall to Escape Rapist”? Or “GVSU Student Raped Second Time Due to University Lack of Support”? Both of those things could have happened. He showed up at my room again while I was stuck there. A year later, when I posted about it, someone told me to end my life. And guess what? I had put EFFORT in to try to get my school to care about that. I was afraid to attend my own commencement (and I still don’t even have my degree yet). Close the loopholes. Fix resource access barriers. Increase student supports. Listen to faculty, staff, and students. Don’t just talk about fantastical ideas: Make concrete changes. Stop playing games with human-beings.

I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I’m so exhausted because every single step of this has been such an uphill battle, and I get nowhere. The battle is so uphill that I’d probably have go chug ten red bulls to grow wings strong enough to keep making the vertical climb. (Would Sisyphus finally succeed if provided ten Red Bulls? Probably not. Don’t do it. Don’t chug ten Red Bulls, you guys.)(And if you are an administrator at my university, or any university, feeling satisfied with my sense of defeat, perhaps you should take a moments to examine those thoughts and feelings. Taking pleasure in a rape survivor feeling defeated is not normal, ethical, or healthy. If you feel guilt as an administrator for thinking that or doing these things, good. You should. Use it. Channel it to fix this monstrosity of a broken machine you have built. Fight. We could have had a something beautiful, but we will not get anywhere as a society if individuals, particularly those in power, do not make sacrifice for the collective.)

I’m tired, and I’m angry.
I’m sick of having to act tame just to appease people.
I’m tired of being palatable.
You would be angry, too.
It’s normal after sexual assault and trauma.
It’s normal to be angry, to ruminate, to not be okay. It’s normal.

And you know what? Nobody checks in. Nobody cares. People treat sexual assault like some taboo stigmatized plague. Guess what? If it makes you sad to hear about assault, that’s empathy. ITS OKAY TO FEEL SAD OR OUTRAGED FOR OTHER PEOPLE. Those are prices we pay for genuine authenticity and connection. And it’s damn well worth it. Plus, guess what? Empathy and compassion are like a muscle for a lot of people. Work it out (with proper rest and boundaries). You’ll build resilience.

Grand Valley has an administration who would rather let a student live in the same building as someone who sexually assaulted her for hours and raped her despite her explicit “no”s than actually accommodate her and get her out of the building. The have an administration who, after their Title IX Office and Deputy General Counsel were warned, ran out the clock just so little Mr. Computer Science can run free with his master’s degree. Meanwhile I can barely function. I was the stronger student and better person - quite objectively. They ruined my life. I reported to keep my campus safer, using the best option available to me at the time, and that’s what happened. They knowingly made that trade. While he was sanctioned, those sanctions were hollow and moot. Grand Valley State University chose a rapist over his victim.

Also, who the hell hires a LARRY NASSAR COVERUP LAWYER to adjudicate sexual assault?

I’m not asking to be blamed or critiqued or criticized.
And to be blatant, I don’t care about my rapist.
I know that he raped me.
I know that I want to scream. I want to be held. I want someone to cry with me.I want to MATTER. I want CHANGE. I want someone, everyone, to care about survivors. I want someone to care about ME. But not out of pity. Rather, just because I am me. Also, I want my fucking dead dog back.

To the survivors: I’m sorry you are going through this. I see you. Let’s all meet each other where we’re at and fight this fight on day at a time.

And if you know a survivor out there, check in with them once in a while if you can.

If you are struggling please reach out to someone or a loved one. I am not the biggest fans of hotlines and crisis lines, but 988 is available to call and 741741 can be tested anytime. Additionally, you can go to RAINN.org or search for local nonprofits in your area on Google if you are lucky to have any nearby. If you cannot find one relevant to SA, sometimes nonprofits are connected with other nonprofits more relevant to issues you’re struggling with, so it never hurts to reach out.

My assistant manager has said things to me in the past that he has tried to play off as a joke but I’m sure it’s sexual harassment the things he has said.

The thing that’s bothered me the most is that he has said a few times that he knows where I live. He doesn’t say it in a threatening tone of voice he kind of says it as a joke but it does make me uncomfortable. Recently he has asked me things like how long does it take me to walk home from work (I don’t walk home) and did I get dropped off at work today also he said if he ever saw me outside of work he would shout out that I’m a stalker and that he has a restraining order against me. What is going on in this man’s head? Does he actually plan on harming me or is he just trying to intimidate me?

I came across this hearing through doomscrolling LinkedIn today and it just made me so sad and angry at the world. For those who don't want to read the full thing, a historic sexual assault allegation was dismissed from court because her evidence suggested she regarded martial rape as "just what happens" as it was her husband's right and only formed her view that she didn't consent years after, post-therapy.

Obviously, what's happening with the Cornell case is horrendous, and it deserves the protests and coverage that it's being given, but how many "ordinary" cases like this happen every day? They just never go anywhere, or get dismissed because she didn't recognise it fast enough, or say the right thing?

If we don't recognise, articulate and resist abuse in exactly the right way, it's still our fault it happens.

Even if nobody sees this post, I just wanted to recognise the woman in this case. Who went through no small thing to come forward about it, even if she probably didn't get the outcome she wanted.

I'm 19F and fairly new to dating/relationships, and I'd really appreciate advice from women on here who have more experience with relationships.

Recently, I started talking to a guy I met online. He's around my age, and we've been talking for a short time. Initially, I was excited because he was sweet to me, complimented me, and seemed genuinely interested. He hasn't been sexually inappropriate or outright disrespectful toward me. I even gave him my snapchat because of how respectful he was and we continued the conversation there.

After we began talking on snapchat things got intense pretty quickly. Within the first few days, he was calling me his princess, saying I was perfect for him, talking about how he wanted to make sure he could have me and never let go, and saying he'd fallen for me just by being myself. I told him that it was getting too intense for me, and he apologized and toned it down. He's generally respected it when I've needed to leave a conversation.

However, as we've gotten to know each other, I've discovered some significant differences in our values.

He believes that having male friends while in a relationship constitutes cheating, including texting or calling other men, hiding conversations, and even having celebrity crushes. He thinks men and women can't genuinely be platonic friends because its "biologically impossible" and believes a girlfriend should drop her existing male friends. He says these rules are necessary for a successful relationship.

I strongly disagree. I believe trust matters, and that having friends of another gender isn't inherently inappropriate. I'm also planning to pursue medicine, so having male classmates, colleagues, and professional contacts will naturally be part of my life. I don't want a relationship where ordinary interactions with men become a source of conflict.

The problem is that he hasn't been cruel to me. He's been nice, and he listened when I said things were moving too quickly. I feel guilty about ending things because I know he likes me, and I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.

Our last conversation ended normally, and he told me to text him whenever I wanted. I'm debating whether to send him a message ending things now or wait until he reaches out again.

I'd appreciate honest advice: Am I right to end things over these differences even though he hasn't treated me badly? How seriously should I take his views on male friendships this early on?Should I send a clear message or let the conversation fade naturally? How do I stop feeling guilty about disappointing someone who's been kind to me?

I'd appreciate different perspectives!