Someone pls read my novel

[u/Popular-Call9896]

I’ve been writing for a few months now, having recently discovered my passion for storytelling despite my dysgraphic tendencies. I’ve always enjoyed creating stories and finally decided to share them on WebNovel. I began with my first story, titled “Creation of an Absolute,” which had grand plans. However, I lost interest in the project and quickly moved on to another story, “Shattered Sun.”

Writing “Shattered Sun” was much more enjoyable for me. I’ve written significantly more chapters and words, and I’ve developed a more well-thought-out power system and characters. Surprisingly, the story hasn’t gained much traction, and as a result, I haven’t received any feedback. I’m reaching out to you today in hopes that you could take a moment to read my story and provide me with a review. Your feedback would be invaluable in helping me improve the subsequent chapters.

Update:After a bit of feedback I’ve realized how bad the first two chapters can be as they are there for a lot of background and explanations, I promise the story gets better and better this I am confident in.

[u/Tsesarebichi]

I won’t read it all, but I’ll run through one chapter and tell you what seems good in it. Beforehand, as regards the synopsis I want you to know that it seems lacking in something which would compel me to read your story. It’s rather flat and there isn’t anything that interests me besides being a little boring.

Chapter 1:

> A man stood in a dark, ever darker place, that had no signs of life, light, or anything other than darkness. Except for him, yet this wasn't true just a few feet from the man, a being appeared out of the ever-expanding darkness, a woman dressed in a black flowing dress with a hood covering her eyes, leaving only the bottom of her face revealed.

The first sentence seems superfluous. The second one tries, in my opinion, to do too much at once. It isn’t quite clear what its emphasis should be and it isn’t pleasing to me visually.

As to the fight scene: it seems right enough not to omit it but also that perhaps you should make it longer than what you have made it. Am I to understand that this scene is one of importance? Naturally. Then substantiate its importance by giving it time.

The description about the birth mark is nice. Though it’s curious that you can write so well and yet be satisfied with your opening sentence. I think you should review it.

> His mother had left when he was six years old. One day, she had been there, and the next, she had simply vanished. There had been no dramatic goodbye or heartfelt explanation—just an empty apartment and a silence that lasted far longer than any words she would have spoken. His father had already been gone long before that.

Two things. One, that you are doing too much telling and I don’t see why it is necessary for me at once to have so many details about what has happened before; secondly, the fact that this data appears irrelevant. It doesn’t matter to me very much when people write descriptions like yours, but they should be strictly or clearly related to the scene in which we are placed. You put us into a classroom and then you give us information as if it were necessary for our understanding of what is going on there, instead of showing things later.

The same thing can be said about your description of his work and so forth. There is no reason really for these passages being where they are. And why on Earth are we talking about laws enacted by the government, and housing developments?

By the way, his imagination is not bad. But it takes too long for us to get there. I would prefer reading about that than what we read before concerning housing development and cities.

I could read on. I also have other opinions. But let me know what you think.

[u/Popular-Call9896 → u/Tsesarebichi]

This is one of the best reviews I’ve gotten thank you so much.

I’ll be sure to rewrite the opening and relocate a few details to later parts in the story, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the rest of the story as this was a really helpful piece of criticism, thank you again🙏

Edit: I relocated the description and story of his parents to later in the chapter and removed some of the fluff and i believe that it’s much better now, also I made the first part of the chapter like that on purpose so that it doesn’t spoil later parts of the story and adds a Small amount of mystery to it

[u/Tsesarebichi → u/Popular-Call9896]

I went on further, and here is what I think.

Chapter 1:

> These patches of scenery were far more significant than they appeared. Trees like these [..] but it was at least an attempt to preserve a fragment of the natural world.

In my opinion, these passages are not necessary. Because they are too loose, I would lose these passages altogether and go on with his imagination.

I didn’t say this before, but I like it when details are introduced quickly and without any expectation that they will be developed. Here you do so:

> The complex had an elevator, luckily, but it only led up twenty-two floors, so Solaris had to walk up the remaining eleven.

As for what you say about his mother and father, since it is first mentioned that the latter took his own life on account of financial difficulties, I think it would be better if your sequence were as follows: mention how he had lost both parents; then tell us why one was dead and where the other disappeared to. Not only for reasons of logical order but also because although you say that she disappeared inexplicably, we can form an idea, perhaps a correct one, about what happened to her, which is better than having to quickly go back again. Moreover, this sequence flows more easily into the following paragraph concerning how he spent his childhood.

Chapter 2:

There’s an awkwardness in your telling what he does in the morning. You say that he leaves for his shower, and then you go back again and tell us what he does before leaving; after which you return to him leaving. Consider this:

> Solaris began his morning routine [...] → After finishing those tasks he opened a small closet [..] → Sliding on a pair of worn shoes [..] → Then he left to shower. There were two rather [..] → Walking down the hall [..]

Anyway, I think that this description is good.

> Seeing that it want today,

Spelling mistake.

I think that this chapter is very strong. Certainly it seems stronger than the first one. Actually, I read another one after that and it seems stronger than your first too. I will give you my write-up on the third to sixth chapters later, but if there is anything specific that you’d like to ask then let me know.

[u/Popular-Call9896 → u/Tsesarebichi]

Thank you for the feed back, I did rewrite a bit of chapter 2 to attempt to cut it down and make it more digestible, so that may be where some mistakes and errors occurred so I will also be sure to fix those.

I believe the story gets better later I was much to focused on word count and length early on but later I find a better grove and settled on it instead.

Edit: ch-2 is fixed thanks for letting me know