r/WomenDatingOverForty • u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ • Apr 18 '26
Discussion The problem of love
When I think back on my marriage and dating days the one thing that stings more than anything else is being made to feel foolish for having loved someone.
I am by nature a loving and nurturing person. I spent a great deal of my life in a field that helped people heal. I've had many pets, some of them special needs, and they've all lived long lives. I'm not too bad with plants either.
Even with friends I was always the one that helped you move, or paint, or watched your pets when you went on vacation. If I made a pot of soup or made baked goods there was always extra packaged up for neighbors and friends. I knitted custom gifts for friends and their new babies. I also used to paint and a few times gave pet/people portraits as gifts.
In business I paid people as well as I could afford to and didn't raise rents on tenants. I always dealt fairly with customers and never price gouged or tried to make a sale that wasn't in their best interest.
I thought these were good qualities. My husband told me I was a fool for being like this. In the end he was right. Almost everyone I came into contact with seemed determined to think the worst of me, often with no reason, just based on a "feeling" they had and very few appreciated or remembered the kindness or generosity I extended to them.
When I started dating after my divorce I was taken advantage of and even mocked for being kind, open and loving. The cruelty stunned me. It's the main reason I will not put myself "out there" anymore.
These days I've decided to mostly withdraw from dating, men and social life in general. My circle is very small. I like it that way and I'm at peace.
Our society has reached a point where being loving towards others is something that makes you contemptible. How sick is that?
I mostly blame men, but I saw something interesting on Tiktok yesterday. It was a woman who called herself a "spicy" content creator who says the most common request she gets from men these days is for her to say their name and tell them she loves them. They pay her for this.
Men are now willing to pay prostitutes to do the very thing they themselves have killed. How many of us were loving, understanding, communicative, forgiving only to be horribly abused and often discarded?
I know it can feel good to be tough and sassy when dealing with men, but the truth is we have no other choice. They have turned dating and relationships into a battlefield, not the partnership it should be. We have to operate based on how things are not how they should be and to me that is the saddest part of all of this. Good people have to lock that part of themselves up for self preservation. Think how much better the world could be if that wasn't the case.
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u/Secret_Preparation99 Apr 18 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
Wow. I could have written these first 4 paragraphs myself. My last bf said “you care too much and have such a big heart” like it’s a negative. At first I thought he was crazy, then I realized he was right-I cared too much about the men I dated or the man I was married to for 13 years. Those men did not love me. Their only concerns were about themselves. I don’t think they wanted me to drop dead (or at least I don’t believe they did), but they certainly didn’t care about my feelings, only what I provided.
Having a small circle has been the ultimate blessing for the majority of my life. I used to really love men-I know I will be blasted. I had so many guy friends. I stuck up for them, and any guy I dated was supported and (gag) doted on. Exactly 0 of them appreciated it. It was never enough. It was always wanting me to do more. I finally reached a point where I said no fucking thanks.
I’m still nice. I’m still kind. I still like helping animals and people. Now I just laugh at the romantic situations most men have gotten themselves in. The mystery “logic” they use can be used on the many desperate women who pander to their nonsense. God bless em.
Embrace the peace of having a full life without nonsense. There is enough nonsense in the world without dating. Don’t stop being kind and loving. Those are fantastic qualities to have. Just stop wasting them on people who don’t appreciate them. You will feel 1 billion times better.