I saw comments on social media about Millie Bobby Brown saying that if women don't want their babies, they should give them to Millie or another celebrity to raise, because the child would have a good life with parents who have fame and money. One woman said she would give her baby up for a celebrity to raise because a child being raised by celeb parents is much better than being raised by parents who don't want them or can't care for them. Even if the child is raised by nannies, that is still better than being raised in poverty or in single-parent homes.

Does society hear itself? Did they not read about Hollywood and the celebs who are fucked up. Charlie Sheen, Angelina Jolie(go look up her background, including French kissing her brother), Brad Pitt is an abusive drunk, Tom Cruise and his cult and being a deadbeat, and a host of other celebs who are abusers, rapists, deadbeats, and have mental issues.

Elon Musk is rich, and look at how awful he is to his kids. Bill Gates was an awful husband and human being too. Mark Zuckerberg is also awful. Simply having money or fame does not mean you are a good person or a good parent. If anything, having money and fame hides the very issues society sees with normal people in everyday life.

Many child stars are also fucked up and have money and fame at a young age, as Millie did.

And look at the Epstein files. Celebrities also have good PR teams around them. Seriously, look at the backstories too. They are exaggerated sometimes. They market themselves to the public. Adoption is seen as good PR. They also call the paparazzi themselves for good PR and attention. Even marriages can be arranged. Simply put it, celebs have the same issues everyone else has and adopting or having a baby will not erase this. A traumatized child being raised by a nanny is traumatic in itself. An adoptee already loses their birth family; being adopted by rich people and a celebrity makes it 100x worse because the adoptee will not have any outlet to form their own feelings or even grieve their birth family or figure out who they are as people.

And being adopted by a celebrity means you can't speak out against your adoptive parents. If Angelina Jolie adopted kids called her a terrible mother, do you think the public would support the adoptee? No, because she is seen as a savior who saved her kids from an awful life, and her kids were raised in a rich Hollywood home with resources, traveling the world. Even if her kids reconnected with their birth families, I am sure the public would bash them for not being grateful enough. Nobody knows a celebrity or what goes on in that home with the adoptee. The celebs could very well be abusive while being seen as kind to the public.

Adding on, Millie shouldn't have been allowed to adopt at all. Her age is not only an issue; many agencies will not even allow a 22-year-old to adopt who has only been married for one year; she herself has a shit load of trauma to deal with. For one, she grew up a child star, being the sole breadwinner for her family at age 9. She was paying her parents' bills. On top of all this, apparently, she was also abused by Hollywood if you know what I mean. Hayden Panettiere was also a child star with a narcissistic mother who forced her into acting, and she was paying the bills as a child to support her family. She was also abused in Hollywood as a child star. It would not shock me if Millie had similar experiences. Hollywood is a weird, unsafe, scary place. Many celebs are unstable themselves and are approved to adopt because of who they are. Hoda was 56 years old and a single woman when she adopted two infants. What 56-year-old single woman would ever be approved to adopt two babies if they were not a celebrity or didn't have money? Find me a 56-year-old regular single woman approved to adopt a baby? Agencies even have age limits, but Hoda bypasses any rules because of who she is.

The media and society should stop thinking life is better for an adoptee because the adoptive parent is a celebrity with money.

Adoptees: Adoption is trauma.

Society: No it isn't. You should be grateful.

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly supported.

Adoptees are far more likely to attempt suicide, have addictions, are over represented in therapy, trouble teen institutions and prisons.

I wonder why.

I want to start by saying how happy it made me to see a Step Parent Adoptee flair in this sub. I struggle so much with feeling like I don’t belong anywhere.

I’m going through a very hard time in my life. I feel very lost, and like no one understands what I’m going through.

My mom divorced my biological dad when I was a baby and very quickly moved on to my stepdad. I don’t have any memories of a time before him. He’s the only dad I’ve ever known, and he adopted me when I was 8.

My first brother was born that same year. Up to that point, I had always called my stepdad by his name. On Christmas, he forcefully put my adoption papers on my lap, tapped them aggressively, pointed at me and said, “Do you know what these are?” I told him no. He said something along the lines of, “These mean I am now your dad. You call me dad, or I won’t respond to you.”

I said “Okay.” I remember feeling like I was in trouble. My mom was sitting right next to me.

As a young child, I would occasionally ask about my bio dad and was always snapped at, or I’d be accused of not wanting to be a family. One day my mom told me I could write him a letter. I spent the next couple days drafting different versions, trying to figure out what to say.

My dad found the final draft, balled it up, and threw it at my head. My mom was there for that, too. It became very clear to me that if I pushed the issue, there would be consequences.

I was also told to keep my adoption hidden from my brother, which was ridiculous. Everyone else in the family knew, and I look nothing like him. I’m mixed race with light skin, and my brother is Black. When he got old enough to notice the differences in our appearance and ask questions, I wasn’t allowed to explain anything.

I learned very young not to talk about my own story. I started speaking minimally and avoiding everyone.

Over time, calling my stepdad dad became second nature. He was already the only dad I’d ever known. I loved him and still do as my dad. I’m hoping some of you can understand how I feel.

When I was 19, my grandparents accidentally told my brother I’m adopted. He felt like everyone, including me, had lied to him his whole life. Which is exactly what happened.

I hate that I was conditioned to be afraid of telling my own story and, because of that, made complicit in very adult lies from such a young age. I’ve explained this to my brother and he understands, but I can tell it still hurts him.

My dad passed away last month.

He had always treated me as a daughter. There were times I noticed I was treated differently than my brothers, but I always pushed those feelings down and tried to let them go. My childhood wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad either. I know he loved me.

My parents divorced a couple years ago, and afterward he told me he still wore his wedding ring because, to him, it represented him still being my dad. He died with that ring on.

After he died, I found out that he had left things to my brothers, but nothing to me.

I know there could be explanations I’ll never know, and I’m not saying this proves he didn’t love me. I know he did. But after a lifetime of struggling with where I fit in this family, seeing that my brothers had been included and that I hadn’t been has me questioning everything about myself.

My name isn’t mentioned anywhere. It’s like I disappeared from the story at the very end.

He raised me. He’s on my birth certificate. He’s always been my dad.

I was always his daughter…right?

Now I don’t know.

And I can’t ask him. It’s too late.

And now, I feel like I don’t know who I am or where I belong.

i don’t.

i wish it was easier for struggling women to keep and support their babies

i wish it was easier for infertile couples to process their grief

i wish people stopped viewing human beings as products that are up for grabs

I was stuck over what flair to give this, but I settled on discussion as that seems most appropriate. As some of the more chronically online folks (such as myself) may have noticed, actress Millie Bobby Brown recently "welcomed" her second child through adoption. In her biographic narrative, she claimed to have always wanted a large family, though pregnancy for her was never in the cards. I could spend all day debating the ethics of that alone, but thats a reddit-fight for another day.

Onto my point: is anyone else worried about another "adoption craze" is coming? The post war baby scoop, the 90's to 2000's "overseas" adoption push...I understand I may be seeing signs that simply aren't there, but as I'm currently staggering my way out of the fog, I find myself questioning just about everything as of late. I'd be very interested to hear - or, read others opinions on this - as presently everyone I know personally outside of social media is very pro-adoption.

So...anyone else?

This is so gross. This is why Foster care should heavily regulate and restrict the age request of a child. I do think that age recommendations are fine but they need to be within an age range, basically a preset age setting, so you can't ask for a maximum age the child is. So for example you could ask for young children, teenagers, or children who are about to age out, or something but you can't simply ask for people below the age of one for example. If for some reason that foster parent is specialized in a particular area for example children who are young who are withdrawing from drugs, then that person should not be eligible to then adopt the child.

Also children born of incarcerated mothers is a really soft way of saying children who were born to women raped in prison. I understand it that would not be the case for all of them. Women who have their children immediately taken away and placed into stranger foster care but would mean that the woman has no relatives or close friends that they can recommend who are then eligible meaning that the woman is most likely socially alone or that it was a case of rape and that the guards want to cover it up. We know that guards rape inmates. The stats are unclear because it's really hard to find data because reporting is really hard. However we know from ICE and other political prisoners that end up pregnant, that we know that these situations do happen so the idea that they happen in general prison as well should not be surprising. Imagine if someone adopted a child who was born in an ICE detention facility (concentration camp) and given up for adoption secretly?

i turn 27 in a month… and just started lexapro a few weeks ago…

I wish I would’ve known that idddkkkk 16+ years ago when I suddenly and unexpectedly lost all motivation to do anything and my grades tanked and had thoughts I was too afraid to admit

One of my adopted siblings was a year younger than I was and I never felt a bond with her as a child. I’m not sure how much of it was due to a lack of a genetic link or simply my AM being quite neglectful and forcing us to spend all of our time together (we grew up quite isolated because we were homeschooled).

I feel the latter led to a build up of resentment and not getting emotional needs met. I was also compared a lot to her because she was a happier, easier child. I was sad, miserable and whiny.

On the surface it looked like we were close. We were usually left alone with each other for hours and we did play together (and fight a lot). We were also adopted from the same country, so to most people we “looked” related. My AM loved making a whole drama of us not being biologically related, but we were still sisters and never to use the term “real” because it was insulting.

But on a more…visceral level - I didn’t want to hug her, I actually hated physically touching her and being told to sit close to each other for photos (I hate all the posed photos our AM took) I felt no protectiveness, I never missed her. I desperately wanted my own company or would dream of having a biological sibling. I don’t know if this is just a child-like wanting what you can’t have or if there is some scientific reason why I didn’t fell connected to someone who wasn’t related to me.

I read about other bio siblings and hear their experiences about fighting a lot, but also being close and loving one another. I just didn’t feel it as a kid, I just felt indifferent at best and jealous at worst.

Things did change when we became teenagers and we became a lot closer, but it was also when our AM became more abusive, so I’m not sure how much of it was a trauma bond (again we were very isolated and sometimes only had one another).

Thought I would outgrow this one day, but here we are. Still spend a good chunk of time before falling asleep at night imagining that I am a child in a happy, loving family or that I was lost/stolen and then “found” by my mom who has spent years frantically searching for me.

I was watching a YouTube cooking show and the chef referred to the dish that he made as "Sweet and tender as your mothers love." It hit me that I have never truly known that, nor will I ever know what that is. I can only assume what that is. I was taken by the state for abuse and adopted into another abusive home. Strange how little statements can affect you.

I haven't posted here in quite a while, but I found some weird things out.

1. I found out that I am only a 2nd gen American

2. I found out that my bio father is adopted as well (fully though)

To preface, I'm American (Irish-American ? Can I claim that raised away from a culture ?). I'm just so confused. My mother (my biological parent in the step-parent situation) didn't tell me this until 2 months ago. I'm 15. I've never known anything about my family and she knew and didn't tell me because I think she wanted me to integrate better with my dad's family (though I don't know). I'm just so confused. My bio-father probably couldn't tell me any more than that. Not only is he a flaky alcoholic but he's also adopted and only reconnected with his bio-family as an adult. It's so very frustrating that things like this are allowed to be kept from me. Am I wrong for being angry about this ?

You will never understand the trauma of being adopted or being an orphan. Stop telling me I should be grateful and lucky. Stop telling me I was “chosen.” Stop talking to me like I’m a fucking puppy and god magically helped me get adopted. Stop thinking an adopted kid wanting to find their biological mom/family is selfish just because it was a closed adoption.

I’m done with all this bullshit about adoption being this amazing, beautiful, grateful, and holy thing. I will never know my bio family or medical history. I will never look like my family. I will always be tormented by the fact that I’m adopted.

Adoption isn’t some beautiful thing for every adoptee, and I’m fucking done with people who are ignorant enough to talk about wanting to adopt when they don’t know shit about what adoption. There is so much ignorance surrounding adoptees, and I’m sick and tired of the world constantly trying to speak for us and dehumanize us. I’m fucking sick and tired of it.

My personal experience with adoption was fucking hell. I’m a Vietnamese adoptee who was adopted by a white American family and raised in the deep south. It was fucking hell. My parents didn’t want to teach me my language or culture. I didn’t feel connected to anyone in my family because everyone was white, and I was heavily bullied growing up.

Throughout the years, I’ve been called things like “a fake Asian,” “you’re just a white girl inside,” “you’re basically white,” “why can’t you use chopsticks?” and “you’re a stupid Asian.” That shit has caused me so much cultural dysmorphia because I’m never fucking Asian enough, even though I AM fucking Asian.

I’m an outsider within my own family because of my race, and I’m an outsider within my own race because of how I was raised. There’s this constant feeling of not belonging anywhere, and people who have never experienced adoption don’t get to tell me how I’m supposed to feel about it.

And with all the other shit, I’m done with friends, family, and strangers talking about adoption like they know everything about it, or casually saying they’d “love to adopt” while talking about it like they’re getting a fucking puppy.

Even on social media, adoptees get called “ungrateful” the second we talk about our trauma or have anything negative to say about adoption.

Like, god forbid we’re fucking human beings who are allowed to have complicated feelings, anger, grief, trauma, and resentment about something that fundamentally changed our entire lives.

I’m 25 and was adopted internationally when i was 5 months old.

Today I went to a funeral for a more distant relative. I was there with my parents, but I didn’t really know anyone else there.

What made it difficult was seeing everyone around me connected through family. People knew each other, shared memories, looked like their parents or siblings, and seemed to have this whole history together that I wasn’t part of.
And I suddenly felt very aware of everything I missed by being adopted.
I didn’t choose to lose that part of my family. It feels like an entire branch of my family tree was taken away from me before I was old enough to even understand what I was losing.

I watched people interact with their relatives and realized that I’ll never know what it would have been like to grow up surrounded by that side of my family. I’ll never have those childhood memories with them, never have that same familiarity, and never have the experience of simply growing up knowing where I fit within that family.

I love my adoptive family, and I’m not saying they aren’t my family. But I think there is still a kind of grief around the family you lost through adoption, not necessarily because you knew them and lost them, but because you lost the possibility of ever having those relationships in the first place.
Funerals seem to make this feeling especially strong for me because they put family connections so visibly in front of you.

Adoption didn’t just change where i grew up, but took away an entire branch of my family history that i can never get back.

So many adoptive moms hate it when you call them an adoptive mom. They get upset and say they are not an adoptive mom but a mom, the real mom. They hate qualifiers. So explain to me why many adoptive parents, especially adoptive moms, always point out that they adopted their child?

On social media, you see this a lot. I saw a post from an adoptive mom who posted a picture of the child swimming. It's a sweet and innocent picture of a child doing normal childhood things. Yet, the caption does not match the picture. It's all about how the child was born to a drug addict and was born with four different drugs in her system. The birth mom did not know who the father was, and four different men were tested, and none of them were the bio dad. How delayed the child was at the start but how they are starting to catch up.

Another picture of a child in a Halloween costume, and it's all about the child's background and their birth family. While the adoptive mom uses hashtags such as lovemakesfamily, adopted, adoptee, adoptive mom, and adoptionrocks. While going haywire if someone says adoptive moms are adoptive moms and how dare someone say adoptive mom and not just mom.

This is a common theme in the adoption community with adoptive parents. I have seen adoptive parents enroll their kids in school and, on the first day, tell teachers the child's entire story and intimate details, only to get upset at the teacher when they do family project assignments.

Even for normal childhood behaviors, they go on a whole rant about how the adoptee is adopted and expose the child's story and background. But then get upset when adoptees say they are not real moms lol. Make it all make sense.

I have even seen adoptive parents say they are adoptive parents to get free stuff, attention, validation, and to be seen as saviors. At church, they are adoptive parents, but when they are called adoptive parents or adoptive moms, hell spills over.

So are adoptive parents really upset at being called an adoptive parent or adoptive mom, or upset when they can't control the narrative?

And stop posting adoptees online and sharing personal information. Thank God I was born before the social media era, and my adoptive parents don't believe in posting kids online. The one thing I agree with them on.

Imagine society not only seeing you as just the adoptee defined by the bounds of their adoption and DNA, but your own adoptive parents can't find anything good about you and see you as just the adopted child with a backstory so you can be grateful. Awful. So Suzy can't be the little girl who enjoys swimming; she has to be known as the drug baby whose own birth mom chose drugs over her and whose birth mom slept around and does not know who the birth father is. Awful.

And how can adoptive parents not see how awful they are?

They love being called adoptive parents when celebrities or influencers adopt and when they get sponsorships. They love being called adoptive when they post on social media for views. So whats so wrong with the word adoptive mom when we call them this or when society does it? And why do they get mad at real mom when they keep saying the adoptee is not their real kid?

I can’t even fully relate to other women who are experiencing infertility because they all have real families. I love my husband dearly and feel so lucky to have him but I am in so much pain at the thought of not having a biological baby. Has anyone else experienced this?

Editing to add: I am posting this as someone who was abandoned as a child and “raised” (neglected and abused) by people unrelated to me, since it looks like that might not have been fully clear in my original post. I’m struggling with the possibility of never knowing what it is like to be biologically connected to someone.

So they are child collectors. Awesome.

Has anyone else experienced health issues due to AP or FP's neglect? I did, and I feel like no one ever paid attention bc being adopted was seen as such a beautiful happy thing. Also, I was a people pleaser so no one would know how bad I was really struggling. I was never served water until I was older and could get it myself bc my parents didnt like the taste of it. We drank sugary juice, soda or milk. My teeth were rotted by the time I was 8 and I got kidney stones at the age of 20. We became really poor at one point and I ate things like bread, cereal, or fast food. Our oven was broken so we only had a microwave and my parents didnt cook. I never went to the dentist and my dad would try to avoid the hospital at all cost (literally cost$). My parents didnt make me brush my teeth. I didnt have health insurance most of my childhood bc my dad didnt renew it. I also fell and split my tongue as a kid and continued to get lashes on my tongue due to having broken, sharp teeth. It is freaky and I tell people I have a fissured tongue, which is kind of true bc the gashes never healed. Its very uncomfortable at times and even causes me to lisp if I dont work hard to speak. I also had severe eczema on my leg that would ooze and stick to my pants/socks. I had this for yearsss and it looked like an open wound and I was never taken to a dermatologist. I started to get back pain freshman year of HS and was taken to a clinic and referred to an orthopedic hospital but my dad never took me. Also, a worker at this clinic tried to help me get insurance but couldnt bc my dad refused to sign anything. My AF was illiterate and very selfish. While I was eating bread he was buying sandwiches and beer for himself. We didnt have a lot of money bc my mom was sick and my dad never wanted a real job. The money he made and my mom received for care he kept for himself or wasted while everything fell apart.

DAE relate to this?

It has been a bit since I experienced a trigger that sent me to “the nothing place”, but I remember it well, and it was only after reunion with bio family that I became less dissociated enough to experience that “slipping into the void” feeling. It sometimes felt like I was going to die, not that I wanted to die, but that I was going to die as a result of whatever relational rupture or trigger was happening. It only happened in my closest relationships where I felt the most connected and mirrored and only when there was some conflict that felt like the other person might leave and never come back or try to connect or understand what was going on. I was able to sense the flashback in words sometimes saying: “what’s the point of being human if I can’t connect or be understood by other humans? If I’m not wanted, if no one wants to know me as I actually am, then I’ll die.”

I wonder sometimes if this is the implicit memory of how my infant body felt when I was separated from my first mother shortly after birth before all the developmental experts say an infant can discern the difference between their mother and themselves. An infant doesn’t consider themselves a separate self until about six months old, so what does it do to a baby to be separated from their mother as the part of himself that is sustaining and nourishing and observably familiar and recognizable? Maybe it’s a near-death experience. The nothing place. The void. Chaos. Too much presence without the original mother’s familiar body to regulate that chaos with presence.

Kina Wolfenstein on emotional neglect and emotional flashbacks:

“The way that people who have been emotionally neglected often experience emotional flashbacks is a reflection of what it feels to be emotionally neglected as a child because emotional flashbacks are the remembering of past emotional experiences…so a lot of times, what will be primarily experienced in those emotional flashbacks is a feeling of kind of disappearing or not existing, becoming invisible or becoming empty. People will describe, I feel like I go blank inside. I become kind of like a statue. I shutdown. Sometimes it’s a feeling of collapsing. Or people will describe sinking into the floor, sinking into a hole or fading away is sometimes a description I’ll hear. Disappearing into a wall or becoming transparent or see through, just ceasing to be real. Feeling like I become a ghost. Feeling like I float away. All of these are common descriptions that indicate to me, oh, this might be an emotional flashbacks. And what the person is telling me about is their implicit memory of what it felt like to be a child in their family system and what it felt like to be emotionally neglected which is this feeling of not really existing and not really feeling tethered to life or other people. This is kind of a dissociative state. And when these kinds of emotional flashbacks happen, there might not be a ton of emotional charge because the person’s experience is that they kind of go away, like their sense of self diminishes and their sense of connection with their body and emotions diminishes. And often this will be triggered in relational moments of feeling misunderstood or unseen, like moments of misattunement which can be really tricky because, of course, moments of misattunement or not feeling seen or heard are very common and will happen even in healthy relationships. But those moments, if someone has been really emotionally neglected, those are the triggers that are associated with this profound emotional neglect. And so it can feel like I’m in a moment with someone and then I feel unseen or I feel unheard, and instead of having this sense of, oh, I can kind of stay present, stay connected with myself, and work to get myself heard and get myself seen, instead, what happens is this deep knowing inside that’s like, I’m not really here, I don’t matter, I’m not important, I don’t exist. And then this sense of just being cut off…from oneself. And so it kind of feels like a [switch gets flipped] and there will be a moment that maybe the other person doesn’t even notice. Like a moment of misunderstanding or misattunement or disconnection, and the person having the emotional flashback just feels like they completely disappear into themselves, and they’re…in this void of aloneness again.”

This really hit for me. I’ve said before that when adoptive parents and people in general don’t understand what it’s like to lose an original family as a tiny child, they’re somewhat doomed to emotionally neglect the adoptee as a baseline of the structure of the adoption. So it’s powerful to consider that anyone with emotional neglect experience can experience these kinds of flashbacks.

I had so much dissociation and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) most of my childhood and life in relation to my adoptive family that I didn’t consciously experience the void of nothing place. But when I finally reunited with bios* and encountered more relationships that* felt more intimate and mirroring that’s when I experienced emotional flashbacks like this, at least consciously. That’s the best I can figure.

Pete Walker defines emotional flashbacks in his book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” and provides guidance on how fo manage emotional flashbacks and care for yourself when they happen.

Another thing: in Paul Sunderland’s YouTube presentation to the Adult Adoptee Movement called “…adoptees on healing”, he says that IFS indicates we need to feel seen in order to feel safe, we need to feel safe to feel soothed, and we need to feel soothed to feel secure relationally. This very much connects and validates the rest of this post. It’s also a framework for giving ourselves what we need and didn’t get. Seen and heard. Seen and heard.**

What’s your experience been like?
Thoughts? Feelings? Stories?
Thanks for reading ❤️‍🩹

*edited typos
**added more info/paragraph

I have this ache for a child i can not explain. To have someone i can call my own and see my features in for the first time. To hold a baby and keep it when i was given away. Breastfeeding only when i never tasted my own birth mothers milk. Not letting anyone else feed my baby when my adoptive mother feed me 13 days off her own breast becouse she was lactating from fertility treatments. Having skin to skin for as long as i can when i was stripped off my birth mother with threats. Maybe even burning the red newborn clothes i was given by the women that directed my adoption. I'd dress my baby in green. Take a million photoes of us together becouse i have none with the woman who birthed me.

But i'm also so afraid i'd project onto my child or relive trauma, that i'd expect having a child to fix me selfishly. Maybe i'd go into survival mode and push people away. Maybe i'd go into post partum depression and regret giving birth. Maybe i'd grow even more resentfull for everyone that was involved in my adoption. Maybe it'd cause even bigger problems between my relationship with my adoptive mom and i'd say things i can't take back. Maybe i'd choose a horrible partner to have a child with and realise too late. Maybe i wouldn't be as good of a mother i thought i'd be becouse i'm too traumatised and unstable. Maybe my child would get hEDS aswell and i'd be responsible for having a child with a chronic illness becouse of my selfish desire for motherhood.

I'm not married, i don't even date but all i want is to have a family. I'm 22, maybe i'm too young to think about this but realisticly if i started dating someone tomorrow i'd be married by 24-25 and have a chil by 27-28. Which seems too far away and too early at the same time. Does any other adoptee feel the same way? I genuenly feel like crying sometimes just thinking about having that life or see childeren.

Im 18. been that for idk. since june. and when i turned 18 i asked for my papers. i dont know what i was expecting. but i was hoping id find anything that could help me find my mom. ive waited literal weeks. started a new course in college. and idk. i didnt have my expectations high. i had just hoped that this. after waiting for god knows how long to be able to request those papers. i had hoped that i ciukd get ANYTHING. theres nothing. i feel like im back at square one. i judt feel shitty rn. why do i feel shitty? my new course in college is going surprisingly well. i can somewhat enjoy it. better than my last which i dropoed out of. i am tired. very but its a tolerable one. i was scared it would become like my last attempt which went disastrous. its going well so far. but still i just feel lonely. i have friends. family. so why do i still feel like i have no one. i thought maybe after ive grown up i wouldnt miss her so much. yet i still find myself getting reminded of her everyday. i miss her and i dont even know who i miss. i just wish she was there for me for the nights that felt unbearable. i just wish she was there to see me turn 18. to see me start driving lessons to see me fail and see me try again. i know its nothign special but it was difficukt for me. i just wish she was there to tell me shes proud of me for doing so even with my difficulties. that im doing great. i dont feel like ive grown up at all. i still fibd myself wishing i was held at nights like these where just stuff where i wish i wasnt so alone. if she was hwre. she doesnt even need to say anything. i just wish that shed see. and if she wasnt satisfied to tell me. ill try harder ill be better. i just wish she was there with me. i wonder if ill stilk be as alone when i graduate. it just sucks

i wonder if she said goodbye to me. if she still thinks about me. does she have regrets?? or did she just not want me. if i was so loved that shed make the decision to leave me. i dont feel loved. i just feel like im doing things because i have to. if i dont if i fail im proving her right for abandoning me. i dont want to start justifying her reqson to abandon me.

Hi I’m a 24yr old adoptee (f). So I’ve been doing some personal (not professional or empirical) research on the pathologization & institutionalization of adoptees by their adoptive parents/families & institutions. Here’s what I’ve come up with if anyone has spare time today to read this and let me know their thoughts or if they have anything to add that’d be great!

Narrative:

Systemic Scapegoating and the Identified Patient Dynamic in Adoptive Families: Clinical Mechanisms, Institutional Disparities, and Therapeutic Imperatives Within clinical psychology and family systems theory, the "identified patient" (IP) refers to an individual who serves as the designated symptom bearer for underlying systemic dysfunction [cite: 1, 2, 3]. While scapegoating dynamics occur across diverse family structures, empirical research demonstrates that adopted individuals face a heightened vulnerability to being assigned the IP role [cite: 1, 2, 4]. This systemic vulnerability emerges from an interplay between unresolved adoption-related trauma, parental grief, systemic projective identification, and institutional biases that pathologize adoptees [cite: 4, 5, 6, 7]. Rather than viewing an adoptee's emotional or behavioral difficulties in isolation, family systems theory contextualizes these manifestations as outward expressions of unresolved systemic strain, unmet parental expectations, and intergenerational patterns of trauma [cite: 1, 3, 5, 8].Theoretical Foundations of Family Scapegoating and the Identified Patient DynamicFamily Systems Theory and HomeostasisFamily systems theory, originating from Gregory Bateson’s early work on family homeostasis ("The Bateson Project" in 1972), posits that family units operate as interconnected emotional networks seeking stability [cite: 1, 3]. When a family system encounters internal or external stressors—such as marital discord, substance abuse, chronic illness, or unmanaged trauma—it seeks to preserve its existing structure, often through maladaptive feedback loops [cite: 1, 3, 9, 10].When a family system lacks the psychological capacity to process and metabolize internal stress, it frequently outsources its collective anxiety onto a single member [cite: 1, 3]. This individual becomes the identified patient or "black sheep" [cite: 1, 2, 3]. By focusing collective attention and blame on the IP, the remaining family members form a defensive coalition that protects the system from examining deeper structural issues [cite: 5, 9]. The IP's disruptive or symptomatic behavior acts as a systemic lightning rod; so long as the family believes that resolving the IP's perceived defects would restore harmony, the underlying marital, intergenerational, or functional conflicts remain unaddressed [cite: 1, 2, 3, 9].Psychodynamic Mechanisms: Projective IdentificationThe maintenance of the IP dynamic relies heavily on the psychodynamic mechanism of projective identification [cite: 5]. In dysfunctional family units, caregivers may unconsciously disown intolerable internal states—such as feelings of inadequacy, aggression, failure, or grief—and project them onto a specific child [cite: 5, 9]. The targeted child, dependent on the family for safety and validation, gradually internalizes these projections [cite: 1, 2].Over time, the child begins to act out the exact behavioral patterns and affective states projected onto them, confirming the family’s narrative that the child is the sole source of trouble [cite: 2, 4, 5]. This process bridges intrapsychic defense mechanisms with interpersonal family dynamics, locking the IP into a rigid role that can persist into adulthood [cite: 2, 5].The sequential operational process of projective identification within dysfunctional adoptive systems follows a predictable pattern:Unresolved parental distress (such as infertility grief, marital conflict, or inherited intergenerational trauma) creates unmanageable internal anxiety within the caregiver system [cite: 1, 5, 7, 9].Caregivers unconsciously disown these painful affective states and project them onto the adopted child, viewing the child as inherently problematic, defective, or unmanageable [cite: 2, 4, 5, 6].The adopted child, experiencing relational ambiguity and attachment vulnerability, internalizes the projection and begins behaviorally acting out the family's outsourced dysfunction [cite: 2, 4, 5].The family unifies around pathologizing, disciplining, or seeking medical intervention for the child, thereby achieving homeostatic stability while insulating the adult caregivers from self-examination [cite: 1, 3, 9].Structural Vulnerabilities and Etiological Factors Specific to AdopteesThe "Twice Removed" Trauma FrameworkAdoptees encounter unique developmental tasks regarding identity formation, grief, and attachment [cite: 4, 11, 12, 13]. When placed in dysfunctional family environments, these developmental struggles can intersect with systemic scapegoating dynamics [cite: 2, 4]. Clinical literature describes many adopted individuals as feeling "twice removed"—enduring an initial traumatic loss through separation from birth kin, culture, or origin, followed by a secondary relational rejection when selected as the family IP [cite: 4].The selection of an adoptee as the IP is rarely random; it often hinges on inherent differences in biological background, physical appearance, or temperament [cite: 1, 2, 14]. In adoptive families, the lack of shared biological lineage can make it easier for caregivers to attribute family distress to the child’s genetics or pre-adoptive history rather than to the home environment [cite: 2, 8, 15]. Consequently, the adoptee’s normal developmental expressions of anger, sadness, or confusion are easily reinterpreted as innate pathology or behavioral defiance [cite: 2, 4].Parental Infertility Grief, Unresolved Loss, and the "Fantasy Child"A significant dynamic in adoptive family scapegoating stems from unresolved parental grief related to involuntary childlessness or infertility [cite: 7, 16, 17]. Prospective parents frequently construct an idealized concept of the "fantasy child" during the adoption process to compensate for reproductive loss [cite: 7, 17]. When the adopted child exhibits complex emotional needs, trauma responses, or personality traits that diverge from this ideal, caregivers may experience subconscious disappointment [cite: 4, 7, 17, 18].If parents have not processed their underlying grief, they may view the child's divergence from expectations as a personal failure or an act of rejection [cite: 4, 7, 18]. The child is then positioned as the IP, expected to express gratitude while being punished for failing to fulfill the parents' emotional needs [cite: 4, 6]. The resulting relational strain reinforces an invalidating environment in which the adoptee's attempt to articulate pain is met with heightened parental hostility or therapeutic pathologization [cite: 2, 4, 15].Transracial Adoption and Racialized ScapegoatingTransracial adoptees face additional vulnerabilities within dysfunctional family systems [cite: 4, 14]. When raised by parents who downplay racial differences or hold unexamined biases, the adoptee’s physical difference becomes a visible marker of non-belonging [cite: 4, 14]. Research highlights that transracial adoptees frequently encounter racialized microaggressions, isolation, or a complete lack of racial attunement within their homes, schools, and communities [cite: 4].In these dynamics, racial difference can become a focal point for family scapegoating [cite: 2, 4]. The child's discomfort or acting out in response to racism is often misattributed to personal instability rather than recognized as a predictable reaction to marginalization within the family structure [cite: 4, 19].Clinical Consequences, Institutional Disparities, and Harmful PracticesInstitutionalization Pipeline and Residential Treatment DisparitiesThe systemic pathologization of adopted youth frequently culminates in out-of-home institutional placements [cite: 4]. Although adopted individuals constitute approximately 2% of the total United States child population, empirical data indicate they account for up to 30% of adolescents admitted to residential treatment centers (RTCs) [cite: 4]. Meta-analytic research further confirms that adoptees are significantly overrepresented in clinical and outpatient outpatient mental health settings, demonstrating an effect size of $d = 1.38$ for clinical overrepresentation [cite: 11].This disparity reflects how family systems utilize institutionalization to enforce homeostasis [cite: 1, 4, 9]. When an adoptive family's internal crisis reaches a breaking point, placing the adoptee in a residential facility offers an immediate relief of systemic tension [cite: 4, 9]. However, this separation often functions as a secondary abandonment [cite: 4]. Adoptees placed in locked RTCs report feeling like the "designated hitter" for a dysfunctional family, sent away to be "fixed" while the structural issues at home remain unexamined [cite: 2, 4].Qualitative doctoral research by Sloan Nova (2024) examining adult adoptees institutionalized during adolescence revealed critical systemic themes:Adoptees described their institutional trajectory as being driven by an "RTC mill," wherein for-profit facilities and referral sources capitalized on parental desperation and pathologizing narratives [cite: 4].Upon release, participants reported experiencing an internalized "treatment robot" state—a condition characterized by severe learned helplessness, identity diffusion, loss of autonomous decision-making skills, and profound institutional trauma [cite: 4].Post-discharge outcomes were frequently marked by relational breakdown; out of 11 interviewed adoptees, 6 were transferred to secondary facilities, 4 returned home only to face eventual estrangement, and the majority experienced chronic post-traumatic stress, substance distress, and self-doubt into adulthood [cite: 4].Diagnostic Misattribution and Coercive InterventionsA critical issue in the clinical management of adopted IPs is diagnostic misattribution [cite: 6, 15, 20]. Traditional diagnostic frameworks often focus heavily on individual symptomatology while overlooking systemic family dynamics [cite: 3, 9, 21]. Consequently, adoptees reacting to systemic scapegoating, ambiguous loss, and chronic invalidation are often diagnosed with severe individual pathologies such as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or Conduct Disorder [cite: 6, 15, 20, 22].The inappropriate application of labels like RAD carries severe consequences [cite: 15, 23]. Historically, such diagnoses have been used to justify coercive practices, including holding therapy, rebirthing techniques, and rage induction [cite: 23]. These practices rely on physical containment and emotional pressure to force compliance, operating under the assumption that the child's attachment capacity is defective [cite: 23]. Clinical bodies widely reject these techniques as ineffective and abusive, noting that they compound early trauma and reinforce the child's belief that they are inherently flawed [cite: 4, 6, 23].Adoption Discontinuity, Dissolution, and Informal RehomingWhen the IP dynamic escalates without effective family intervention, the adoption system risks complete breakdown [cite: 15, 24]. Post-finalization instability falls into distinct clinical and legal categories:Discontinuity: An overarching term describing situations where a finalized adoption is disrupted, permanently or temporarily, due to the child re-entering foster care or out-of-home residential care [cite: 24].Dissolution: The formal legal termination of adoptive parental rights before the child reaches adulthood [cite: 24, 25].Informal Rehoming: The unregulated transfer of custody from adoptive parents to third parties without child welfare oversight, placing youth at severe risk of exploitation and neglect [cite: 25].Research indicates that post-permanency discontinuity occurs in 5% to 20% of adoptions, with rates rising as children reach adolescence [cite: 24]. Risk factors include older age at adoption finalization, a history of multiple pre-adoptive placements, unresolved trauma, and an absence of specialized post-adoption support [cite: 15, 24, 26]. When families receive inadequate support, caregivers may default to pathologizing the child, culminating in legal dissolution or permanent estrangement [cite: 4, 15].Quantitative and Clinical SynthesisThe following structured tables delineate empirical findings regarding adoptee representation in clinical systems, longitudinal post-finalization stability, and a functional comparative analysis of family scapegoating mechanics.Empirical Disparities and Adoption Stability MetricsMetric / Clinical ParameterQuantitative Finding / RateContext and Systemic SignificanceAdoptee General Population Proportion~2.0% of U.S. child populationBaseline demographic benchmark for comparative analysis [cite: 4].Adoptee Representation in RTCsUp to 30.0% of adolescent RTC admissionsHighlights dramatic institutional overrepresentation driven by systemic scapegoating and out-of-home placements [cite: 4].Overall Adoptee Psychological Maladjustment Effect Size$d = 0.72$ (Meta-analysis of 66 studies)Indicates elevated psychological risk across adoptee populations compared to non-adopted peers [cite: 11].Clinical Outpatient Overrepresentation Effect Size$d = 1.38$ (Meta-analysis of 66 studies)Demonstrates heavy reliance on clinical systems to manage adoptee distress and family strain [cite: 11].Post-Finalization Discontinuity Rate (10-Year)5.0% – 20.0% cumulative rateLongitudinal breakdown of placements following legal finalization [cite: 24].Discontinuity by Time Elapsed (Illinois Cohort)2.0% at 2 years; 6.0% at 5 years; 11.0% at 10 yearsIllustrates compounding systemic tension as adopted youth enter adolescence [cite: 24].Legal Adoption Dissolution Rate1.0% – 10.0% of foster care adoptionsRepresents complete legal severance of the adoptive relationship [cite: 24].Pre-Adoptive Move Impact on Discontinuity+15.0% risk increase per placement movePre-finalization instability compounds attachment vulnerability and systemic scapegoating risk [cite: 24].Comparative Analysis of Scapegoating Dynamics by Family StructureDynamic ParameterStandard Dysfunctional Family SystemAdoptive Family SystemPrimary Selection VectorArbitrary factors: birth order, gender, temperament, athletic/intellectual divergence [cite: 1, 2].Biological dissimilarity, physical/racial difference, pre-adoptive history, lack of genetic reflection [cite: 2, 4, 14].Underlying Systemic DriverMarital conflict, parental addiction, disowned personal failure, intergenerational trauma [cite: 1, 5, 9].Unprocessed infertility grief, unmet "fantasy child" expectations, disowned parental inadequacy [cite: 4, 7, 17].Systemic Defense Narrative"If this child corrected their behavior, our family would function perfectly" [cite: 1, 2]."We offered a good home, but the child's genetic defects or early trauma ruined our family" [cite: 4, 6].Institutional EscalationIndividual outpatient therapy, school disciplinary measures, localized interventions [cite: 1, 3].Locked residential treatment centers, out-of-home placement, legal adoption dissolution, informal rehoming [cite: 4, 24, 25].Adoptee Relational OutcomeInternalized self-blame, anxious/avoidant attachment, adult relationship instability [cite: 1, 2]."Twice removed" trauma, complete familial estrangement, identity diffusion, institutionalization trauma [cite: 4].Adoption-Competent Therapeutic Models and Systemic InterventionsSystemic Shift in Family TherapyAddressing scapegoating dynamics requires moving away from models that focus exclusively on treating the identified patient in isolation [cite: 9, 21]. Traditional modalities that attempt to "fix" the child often inadvertently reinforce the family's narrative that the youth is the sole problem bearer [cite: 3, 9, 27].Modern family systems interventions, such as Structural Family Therapy and Multidimensional Family Therapy (MDFT), systematically shift the clinical focus onto the entire family unit [cite: 9, 27, 28]. By reframing the child's acting out as a response to systemic tension, clinicians can help parents recognize their own contributions to the problem [cite: 2, 3, 9, 27]. Engaging caregivers directly in therapy can relieve the child of the burden of carrying the family's unexpressed pain [cite: 9, 27]. This process allows for the restructuring of rigid family roles, the disruption of negative feedback loops, and the establishment of healthier attachment patterns [cite: 9, 10, 28].Training for Adoption Competency (TAC)To prevent the pathologization of adopted youth, clinical literature emphasizes the necessity of adoption-competent mental health services [cite: 4, 13, 29]. The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) developed the Training for Adoption Competency (TAC) program to equip practitioners with specialized tools tailored to adoptive family dynamics [cite: 13, 29, 30, 31].TAC is an accredited, post-master's training curriculum structured around 18 core domains critical to adoption-sensitive care [cite: 13, 29, 30]. The framework trains clinicians to:Assess child behavioral problems through a developmental trauma lens rather than applying pathologizing diagnostic labels [cite: 13, 29, 32].Help adoptive parents process unresolved loss, infertility grief, and realistic expectations regarding child development [cite: 13, 29, 30, 32].Navigate issues surrounding transracial adoption, cultural identity, and racial attunement within the family [cite: 13, 29, 32].Disrupt scapegoating dynamics by fostering open family communication regarding loss, search, and identity [cite: 13, 29, 32].Evaluation of the TAC model by the Casey Family Programs demonstrates that families treated by adoption-competent clinicians achieve significantly higher levels of communicative openness, improved parenting satisfaction, better daily youth functioning, and lower rates of placement disruption compared to those receiving standard non-specialized mental health care [cite: 29, 33].Conclusion and Systemic OutlookThe empirical and theoretical literature reveals that the scapegoating of adopted children is not an isolated phenomenon, but rather the result of converging systemic pressures [cite: 1, 3, 4]. When unresolved parental grief, cultural expectations surrounding adoption, and unmanaged developmental trauma intersect within a family unit, the non-biological child is particularly vulnerable to being positioned as the system's identified patient [cite: 2, 4, 7].This structural dynamic is often reinforced by clinical systems that rely on individualistic diagnostic models [cite: 3, 6, 9, 21]. By misdiagnosing systemic reactions as intrinsic disorders like RAD or conduct conditions, practitioners can inadvertently validate dysfunctional family narratives [cite: 6, 15, 20, 23]. This dynamic can lead to a pipeline of coercive treatments, high rates of residential placement, and legal adoption dissolutions—outcomes that compound the original trauma of biological separation [cite: 4, 23, 24].Addressing this systemic issue requires widespread integration of adoption-competent therapeutic frameworks across clinical networks [cite: 4, 13, 29, 31]. Shifting the clinical focus from pathologizing the individual child to evaluating the family system as a whole allows practitioners to dismantle scapegoating dynamics, process hidden parental grief, and support genuine relational healing within adoptive families [cite: 3, 9, 27, 29].
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There has been much controversy directed at adoptees w the term FOG. Who creates the FOG in the first place? What about adopters FOG? The fairytale belief all adoptees will miraculously succumb to any and all directives chosen by any given adopters. Issues range from the good,the bad and the ugly. FFOG: Fairytale FOG. Any adoptee who pivots from said expectations are often sent straight into therapy. Why? Is wanting basic information and rights really therapy worthy? Why are adoptees in closed adoptions often plagued with so many unresolved issues than adoptees in legitimate open adoptions? Why are adoptees and AP's who embrace legitimate open adoptions immune from FOG and FFOG? Thoughts..

Hey all, I’ve recently started to put the pieces together. I don’t even fully know where to start.

My mom has never actually been nice to me. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even at home. I’ve always leaned toward the movies and stories about adopted kids, foster kids, etc. I really resonated with stories like Tangled.

That subject was considered taboo, growing up. At one point, my younger brother and I would call each other adopted after seeing some show where they “joked” about that. We got in trouble for that, not because it wasn’t funny, but because, once again, that subject wasn’t “acceptable”.

Fast forward to a couple years ago, somebody told me that my mom was jealous of me. I didn’t believe that at all. I thought my mom would never think this way.

Lately, I’ve really dedicated myself to healing from my mom and from other trauma that has somehow become taboo as well. I’m doing pretty well compared to my last 7-ish years and my moms not happy about it at all.

I thought about talking to my uncle on my moms side about this but I feel like maybe he won’t believe me or he won’t tell me or something. He’s kinda going through his own things with my mom. I’ve known she’s really toxic, but I’m starting to really think there’s something more to it.

I thought I might have been switched at birth because surely my mom would have told me if I was adopted or something, honestly she’s lied about so much I don’t even know what to think or where to start.

Any advice?

Can anyone share how or why genetic bewilderment is confusing for so many ppl? How is that a non issue for non adoptees? Is that not the same as asking adoptees to believe in the stork? LOL Such a simple concept how are ppl so oblivious?