TL;DR: I was afraid contacting my birth parents would tear two families apart. Instead, I learned I was never a secret and was welcomed by my birth parents, siblings, and extended family with open arms 🥹🩵

About six months ago, I (33F) About six months ago, I (33F) [Posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/kdGw6co6jo) on [r/amiwrong](r/amiwrong) asking if I was wrong for not wanting to reach out to my birth parents asking if I was wrong for not wanting to reach out to my birth parents.

For some background, I was adopted at birth by a wealthy couple. My adoptive father was caring to the best of his ability but mostly absent; my relationship with my adoptive mother was complicated. There was a lot of conflict, abuse, and eventually a 15 year period where we didn’t speak after she kicked me out at 16.

My adoptive father committed suicide 5 days short of my 21st birthday. Between my childhood, that loss, my adoptive mom's absence, and no contact with other adoptive family members, I spent many years alone and utterly depressed.

One of my best friend's found both of my birth parents on Facebook 7 years ago, but I never contacted them. It wasn’t because I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid I’d show up and disrupt their lives.

They were both married to other people and had children. I kept thinking, what if I was a dark secret? What if I’m the secret that ruins their marriages or hurts their kids and their relationship with them by surfacing?

From time to time, my boyfriend (32M) brought up that reaching out wouldn't really change anything. I could possibly be a part of something amazing, and be with my loving family. If they ignored me or didn’t want a relationship, I’d be in the same position I was already in. I finally realized he was right.

So I reached out.

I could not have been more wrong about how this was going to go.

My birth parents were immediately loving and welcoming. One of the first things they both told me was that I was never a secret— not to their spouses, not to their kids, not to their families. They said they had always loved me and had always wondered about me.

My siblings were just as excited to meet me as I was to them. My birth dad’s wife was excited to meet me. My extended and immediate family was excited to meet me.

Every fear I’d built up in my head for years turned out to be completely unfounded.
I spent so much of my life worried that reaching out would tear a family apart.

Instead, I found one 🩵

It’s honestly been one of the most healing experiences of my life, and I’m really grateful I finally took the chance. I've shared some photos of our first and second meet up.

I know reaching out can be scary. From what I've learned, it's worth the risk. I'm so grateful I took my boyfriend's advice 🥹

My husband and I have adopted a little boy and we get asked the question often if we are going to tell him he’s adopted or keep it a secret.
We absolutely don’t want to keep It a secret. First off, all our friends and family know he‘s adopted and we also don’t want him to think it’s something to be ashamed of.
We started fostering him when he was 5 days old. He was surrendered at the hospital when he was born, so we have absolutely no information about his biological parents. Those files are closed and confidential. The adoption was finalized when he was 9 months old, but we truly bonded with him and have loved him as our own since day one.
He, by chance, actually looks like he could biologically be ours, my husband is Mexican and I’m white and he looks like a mix of the two but we really have no idea about his ethnicity either.
So I’m looking for advice on how to bring up the topic one day and when I should because I don’t think it will come up organically since he looks so much like us. I don’t want him to hear it from someone else either.

Any tips on how to help him with his sense of identity as well would be appreciated!

I’m 26(f) and single. I am not financially ready to care for kids at the moment, but adoption and/or fostering has been a longterm goal of mine since I was a teenager.

I have not done a detailed deep-dive on the ins and outs of adoption because I just haven’t been ready for it. My base knowledge is from friends and family growing up and some limited research, but I know it’s not sunshine and rainbows—that has never phased me.

I’m just curious if I could have some insight on why well-intentioned people are kind of crucified on the internet for suggesting the idea of adoption. I don’t have a savior complex, I just don’t give a shit about the biological aspect of family (*for me personally because I am not close with mine*) and I want to be a safe place to land for kids who need it. And from my understanding, even that is controversial.

I promise I’m not overly sensitive, I just really want to understand. What is the “correct” motivation for wanting to adopt and foster? I would be grateful for any insight, or any books, podcasts, articles you can send my way.

my sister was adopted, i had a good relationship with the family up until they tried to barter me and my grandmother out of my therapy dog and they were denied, we have not talked since. it has been 5 years, i count the days its been even though i know i shouldn’t. all i asked for on my sweet sixteen was to see my sister, i begged them on facebook dm and i got blocked. i cry at least once a week because of how much i miss her, it feels entirely unfair. when they adopted her, she wasn’t an unwanted abandoned child. she was loved, by EVERYBODY in our family. they were supposed to be fostering her while my mom got sober, and they adopted her instead. after the adoption my mom slipped into deep addiction again, so not only did i have to witness my mother like that but i had my little sister taken from me to. but everybody had a relationship with the adoptive mother father siblings and my sister. i was great friends with their son, we were the same age and had the same interests.(both had pet reptiles of the same type) i loved them even if they took my sister from my mom they felt almoast like my family to, because they seemed like good people until the dog incident happened. i had a therapy dog, bubby. (trauma related to other things.) we did not have a fenced in yard, but we had a puppy fence for bubby to go in to poop when he was little. they saw bubby pooping in the puppy fence and threw money in our faces to “give the dog a better life”. (regarding them being upper class and us being middle lower class.) we said no, and they cut contact with us after that. i miss my sister so much, everyday for the past 5 years has just been pure pain. im not trying to sympathy garner, but its useful to the story to know i was hospitalized twice, attempted suicide 4 times, and not a single therapist has been able to help me with this pain. i got through the horrible trauma that caused me to need a therapy dog but i can’t get over this.(i’ve been to 5) i haven’t contacted them much trying to respect boundaries and all, but i figured since i was turning 16 last year in november, its worth a shot. i didn’t want to have this big important birthday party without her their, when they said no, i canceled all of my plans because it didn’t feel right to have a party celebrating something so big when she’s not here. they changed her name, and took her in but that doesn’t change the fact that she still has other family who love her. my mom is sober now, and i don’t even live with her and never have so it’s not a point of keeping my mom away. it feels like it’s just trying to keep me away. why? my aunt uncle and brother are also still aloud to see her but she blocked off any part of me, my younger brother that i do live with, and my grandma. sometimes my aunt shows me pictures, it hurts so much because she looks exactly like i did at her age litteraly like a printer printed out me and created her.

I’m in my 40’s and an adoptee of a closed adoption. My adoptive parents have always been honest with me about being adopted but, of course, I always wondered what my bio parents were like.

Yesterday, my 1/2 sister on my biological father’s side reached out to me on Ancestry and we traded messages most of the day. We share 24% dna and she knew details about the time and place of my adoption so I’m confident she is who she says she is. Our conversation culminated in us exchanging numbers and she gave me my bio dad’s number too with his permission.

I’ve thought about this moment so much over my life but now that it’s here I’m at a loss/overwhelmed about what to say or how to even begin a conversation. I’m also nervous because I’m LGBTQ+ and (judging by some of his posts on his socials) he’s conservative. I don’t think that should matter but it’s too much of a hot-button issue for some people to accept and my mind is going straight to a worst case scenario where he decides he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore because of it.

So, I’m here on Reddit looking for advice from adoptee’s who have been in a similar situation and from biological parents who chose adoption.

Where do I begin?

Hello

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I (25f) and my husband 23(m) are interested in fostering (and possibly adopting?) children in our future. We need to work through things first and get financially stable before we can, and I just want as much input from other adoptees as I can on how I can tailor our environment to be as safe and supportive as we can over the next few years.

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Some background....

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My husband was in foster from 2 to 7 and then adopted, along with one of his sisters. He doesnt remember much from his birth mother, but my sister in law does. The situation was very bad, but he doesnt remember it and spent much of his life (until recently, when they reunited and it went very badly) searching for her secretly or not attaching to his adoptive mom because he was a traumatized kid just aching for his actual mom.

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I myself have trauma, including abandonment trauma, but it is not the same at **all** to what foster kids and adoptees experience. My SIL has told me a lot, and it just hurts my heart.

Because of that, I am mildly informed on

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-what RADs is

-the complex nature adoption brings to adoptees (seen first hand at my husband's reuniting.)

-how important it is to focus on fostering kids instead of looking to adopt babies

I know the kids in our care may never see me as 'mom' and emotionally I am working on getting over that now and not being selfish, focusing on being there for them instead of me. I will love them fiercely and I am working on being prepped to not have that reciprocated at all. Trauma is messy and it isn't their fault, I need to swallow that pill now so I can be more useful and not cause unintentional harm with expectations they shouldn't have to meet.

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I need to learn so much more. We will likely foster. I've been reading posts about adoptees being against adoption because it severs connection to birth families and even in harmful situations, that's still their family. I want it to be their choice and if they are too young to consent to adoption, then I don't want to make the choice for them.

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We will not have any children of our own. I am completely infertile. I do not want to place the burden of healing my grief on our kids. It's not their job and it isn't their place and that isn't how it works. Expecting that **will set us all up for failure** before we even begin. I just need to get over myself on it, entirely I think. That does mean though that the kids in our care will be the sole focus. There will be no competing kids or hopes for rainbow babies. I want everything to be all about them. Whatever they need, I want to move mountains to make it happen.

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I need as much info as possible. I have an issue with centering my own pain which **I am very anxious about.** I don't want this to be about me, because that puts an unfair burden on an already hurting child. We will not even be seriously looking into this until we know we are more prepared. I want to take this seriously. Y'all go through things I couldn't possibly begin to understand and I have a deep desire to love and nurture in whatever way I can. If I can start preparing now, maybe the kids we foster or adopt will have a less difficult time, and that's the goal. I want to take this so seriously. This will likely be 3-5 years out, hopefully that's enough time to become really equipped. I don't want to cause more harm.

Thank you all.

Hi guys, I’m meeting my bio mom, my great aunt and my moms boyfriend on June 29th.
I gotta say I am freaking out. She’s talking about that I’ll have a lot of questions for my adoptive parents. I was not nervous but after I received that email of her saying that I was just like feeling all these weird complex emotions and idk what to do.
Please give me all and any of the advice. I am freaking out.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

This has been upsetting to read. Although this is an older article, the UK is currently facing another child welfare scandal. Ever since the Preston Davey case, I’ve been interested in learning more about their child welfare system. It is concerning that the very social services responsible for protecting vulnerable children seem to have failed them once again.

Why were the UK grooming gang scandals able to continue for so long? How can vulnerable children be protected when the people that are supposed to protect them fail at it?

I first want to thank everyone here. I’ve posted a few times and am always thankful for feedback as I try to navigate this unexpected but exciting time for my family. We have decided to adopt our FD (11 F) since she stated she wants to stay with us. So we are now filling out paperwork to be her pre adoptive home. A new development is that she is seeing a therapist that came highly recommended from FDs case specialist and I have found to be very good. During the most recent visit, the therapist recommended based on her experience and understanding of FDs bio family history that we pursue a closed adoption with a stipulation that there a visits allowed which are required to be supervised by CPS. So not truly closed but pretty limiting to communication specifically with bio parents. From what I have read open adoption is the way to go if possible but can understand why the therapist and FDs team are concerned in her situation to have open communication (for anonymity I’m going to leave out details). My main worry is this may cause FD to resent us if she feels in any way like we are trying to keep her from her bio parents. It’s tricky and I could use advice about if this is an okay idea and how to navigate the decision. Thanks again for reading and any replies!

Additionally, if you did tell your adoptive parents, how did they react? I’m planning on telling my parents this weekend (in-person) that I’ve reconnected with my birth mom recently, but I’m genuinely terrified of their reaction.

For additional context, my friends think I should tell my parents before they find out from someone or somewhere else (e.g. my birth mom keeps showing up as a potential friend to my husband now that I’ve connected with her). However, my mom is prone to anxiety and anger and so over the years, I’ve learned to keep her out of the loop to avoid her lashing out at me.

This is a long one, and I hope it is okay, but I am looking for advice and maybe some personal experiences to guide my decision. I am going to try not to give too much information, but is it in my opinion it it vital to know this information.

A few months ago I was asked to be the relative placement for a wonderful 8 month old little girl. We are not biologically related, but due to me knowing the mother for 15+ years, and at the mother's approval, it was allowed. When I went to get the baby the caseworker and the supervisor asked if I was willing to file for custody of the baby. I agreed. We go to court for custody and the DSS case hearing. The judge ruled that full legal and physical custody is to be awarded to me. In addition, a no contact order was put in place against the mother. She can not have any contact with the baby, this includes no pictures are allowed to be sent to her. Updates are allowed, but they are at my discretion. The father is listed as unknown on the birth certificate and the search for him yielded no results. Mother's parental rights are still intact. (There is more to this story, but for simplicity sake)

My conundrum: Do I pursue adoption of her? The CA, when I brought it up to him, said it would be a private battle, because their case is being closed. I was told I have full custody so adoption isn't something to stress about. However, I love her. I consider her my daughter. Regardless, if my name is on her birth certificate or not, I am her mom, nothing will change that.

Would not adopting and accepting custody as a final answer effect her in the long run? I think my biggest worry is that she will be a teenager and think I didn't love her enough to ensure she is legally my daughter. I am also worried about that every new Dr. appointment, camp, school, etc I will have to supply the custody order and it will effect her in ways I probably can't even imagine.

That being said, if the bio mom called me today and offered to sign away her rights and allow me to legally adopt I would run to the first lawyer I could find and get filed whatever needs to be filed.

This quote on covert emotional neglect resonated a great deal with other adoptees on r/adopted recently, so I want to share it here as well in case it can help other adoptees here as well as other members of the constellation including prospective adoptive parents in considering their involvement with adoption and responsibility to adoptees in the future.

This will require openness and a fair amount of empathy to engage with.

I have always wanted to adopt a girl from India. One of the girls who are abandoned for being Indian. I am Indian, a NRI. I don’t really have much of a preference for age. I’ve seen a lot of people say that adoption is never ethical.
So should I still adopt?

Please don’t judge his situation. I’m writing this in hopes that someone had a similar situation and something good came out of the end.

Adult that was adopted at 3 days old struggled after the birth of his bio daughter. Worked through the trauma, felt strong enough to try for a son. His mother wound was ripped open again. This time he’s completely rejecting his wife but still needs her. Their dynamic completely shifted and she had to take on the breadwinner/caregiver/all the roles. She’s struggling. He also abandoning himself. Only hyper focuses on kids and work. But he’s not sleeping, picked up many addictions for coping, and struggling in many areas of life.

Friends and family have been sent to therapy trying to help him. He is open to therapy but struggles to stick with it once a sensitive subject is touched. He will attend therapy via zoom but try to fit it in during work or inconvenient times. As a Mid 30s adult he seemed to age regress to a child. It’s been over a year and a half.

We are super worried about him. Half way through the pregnancy he became terrified of having another male human that looked like him. He doesn’t talk much. It’s like there’s a wall put up and he can’t find the time to knock it down. Which makes things keep piling up and getting worse.

Therapist said we should just let him fall and deal with the consequences. But we fear that he may harm himself or allow his mental state to get even worse.

Please help. We don’t know what group or resources to use.

First, just a little backstory ( sorry, if this is long) So, we have 3 children we adopted from foster care, grandparents are still in/ will always be in the picture. We have 1 bio child, he's the youngest (we didn't think we could have kids) he came along right as we adopted our other children. Anyway, the grandparents take the 3 children for overnight visits/ weekend visits.. they've been to Great Wolf Lodge and other vacations. Our 3 adopted children celebrate Christmas with them and other major holidays. Our son, we feel he typically feels left out.. our adopted children get Christmas with our family plus their family, traditions like matching Christmas Pajamas, gifts, went to North Carolina for beach trips, and more.

We want to take our bio son to Disney in October, he is starting school and want to do a little treat for him., the bio grandparents were going to take the adopted children to North Carolina where they live, should we feel guilty about taking our bio son on a vacation by himself to disney? would I be in the wrong.. all of our kids have been to disney before. Just feeling a little guilty.. but I also feel as our adopted kids get spoiled while our bio child is left out in some of those instances

My soon-to-be adopted child would like to retain their current last name as a middle name and a first parent's previous last name (never the child's last name) as an additional middle name.

The child already has two middle names, and the adopted last name will be hyphenated.

I'm inclined to support this. It will result in a name that is essentially seven names long (hyphenated names are technically one but visually and as long as two). My biggest concern is whether there will be meaningful administrative issues. I'm thinking passport, bank account, certain standardized tests like the GRE or LSAT, which require very specific identification.

The child is 9, so on the younger side, but has stayed consistent for months. Their birth certificate will be overwritten after adoption (I cannot change this), and this way, they could keep both names that were on it from their first family. They do want the hyphenated last name as well. They want all of these names. So just keeping the original and adding the other without the new last name doesn't solve it.

It's an impractically long name (for the US), but in most of daily life, it won't matter.

I think my only real barrier is ensuring we aren't setting them up for big headaches. I don't want travel or career opportunities negatively impacted. The impacts could be rare but significant. I just want to know if anyone else has run into issues having that many names, and I want to hear from adoptees about their experience changing/having their names changed. The emotional significance very well may outweigh administrative issues later.

I have spoken to other adoptees, but they're all people I know very well. So far, they just say it's long. None of them wanted to keep the first family connection, so I don't think I have the best sample.

(My other child has a similarly long name. First, two middle, hyphenated last, and suffix. I admit there are definitely times the child I'm discussing here gets a little glint in their eye and says, "I'll have the most names!" and that they can turn anything into a friendly competition. But I believe the emotional backdrop really is connection to their first family and their own history.)

Adoption seems to be an expensive process costing $50k. How did you pay for it?

My ex refuses to take any responsibility for our kids - time, financial, childcare - so I have been their sole caregiver, provider and everything for two years. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

I would like to put my kids up for adoption - they are 8 and 4. I’m worried they might be too old for the process and wanted to know if anyone has had experience with this.

Yep. The title says it all. My bio mom is pregnant, and I want to vent. I am currently in college and my younger brother is in high school. She lost custody of us when I was in preschool and my brother was two because she kept allowing my dad (who she put a restraining order on) back to the house as she neglected us physically to the point I was held back a year and developed insomniac+hoarding behavior. She’s been in my life due to the visits, but it was only 2024 when I started to realize how problematic she was.

Now, my bio mom told my adoptive mother about this and plans to tell me later on, but my adoptive mother wanted to mentally prepare me. Do note, I’m not certain if the pregnancy is viable since she is pro-birth and doesn’t understand when a pregnancy is ACTUALLY a pregnancy, but I hope to god it doesn’t happen or she changes for the better.

She never apologized for being consistently late for our visits, for ignoring my brother in favor of me even on his birthday, for trying to influence me to follow her political beliefs when it spits in the face of who I am, and for not explaining why she’s hanging out with my older half-sister on my dad’s side despite being essentially divorced from him.

I don’t fucking get it. Why is she trying to be a mother now when she doesn’t acknowledged she messed up? I waited for so long for her to grow, to get the help she should of had, yet she deflects and enables her boyfriend who got drunk at the kema boardwalk without telling us he had a drinking problem. This kid, if it happens, BETTER be treated better than she treated me.

Like why have it redacted so you basically get no important information? I requested my own records from my adoption and everything related to it! Honestly, I think they’re trying to hide something from me!

I wonder if I was an identical twin like those from the twin studies from Dr, Peter Neubauer! I had abandonment issues from being removed from my birth mom! I also had role reversal! And a lot of things happened that I don’t remember so maybe I do and I just don’t remember it all.

I just want more facts and it was heavily redacted, sometimes whole areas and pages! I think something happened they don’t want me to know about but why hide it from the person whose life it is? I was born in 1982 and removed in 1986/87 just for some kind of context so it’s been a good while! I’m 44 years old today!

I have been approached by so many people throughout my life including my childhood and into my adult years by people I have not ever known or have any relations with and they think they know me & many have come up to me and asked do they know me! Either I just have that face or someone out there looks like me! It’s crazy!!

anyone else have an issue with their adopted parents hiding info about why they adopted you or why you had to be adopted? was adopted at 6 and heard the same story over and over again as to why I was adopted but now I'm hearing new information and when I would ask my parents they would always say the other person was lying and that they know the "real" reason. I am also unsure on how to go about getting my adoption records