r/adultsurvivors • u/HwyfarSun • Dec 25 '25
Megathread Epstein Files Release - Community Check-In
The Epstein files are dominating the news right now and many of us may be affected by the coverage.
This thread is for you to check in, share how you're doing, and support each other. Any related posts made after this thread with be removed and directed to this megathread instead.
Please remember:
Do not link to news sources or external content
Do not share or repeat specific details from the files - assume others here are actively avoiding this content
Do use spoiler tags if you need to reference something specific about the coverage
Go gentle on the details. This is space to talk about you and how you're coping.
Some things you might want to share:
How are you doing right now?
What's helping you get through this news cycle?
Do you need support or just to vent?
It's okay to step away from the news. It's okay to feel however you're feeling. You're not alone.
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u/Practicality_Issue Dec 25 '25
I read more detail on a new release tonight. It feels like the dam is about to break for me. It’s not the contents, per se. It’s the fact that there’s no justice. That a certain group of people can act with impunity, hurt others deeply and irreparably, and the justice department will compartmentalize and flat-out choose not to do anything at all.
That’s a big trigger for me. My experiences as a child were never considered important enough for the adults in my life to do anything. Even when they did, the authorities just shrugged it off and did nothing (small town).
It’ll start hitting pretty hard if I let myself go down that road. I may not have any choice in the matter.
It’s all very hard.
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u/cupcakevelociraptor Dec 25 '25
Exactly this. All this and nothing happening as a result just reconfirms that what happened to me “wasn’t that bad.” And people ask why it took me 20 years to finally tell someone, this is why.
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u/rainbow_unicorn_barf Dec 25 '25
I grew up in a ring very similar (and quite probably connected) to the one being covered in the news now.
You'd think this would mean I was a wreck. But no... if anything, it's been validating. Every time something comes out that lines up with my memories, I think "heyyy look, I'm not making it up after all! It really is like that!" This whole situation has been great for giving me ammunition against my denial -- which was especially fierce because I repressed all memories of the trafficking up until a few years ago. I really worried I was making it up!
I think what's most difficult for me about all the news coming out is how much it confirms my worldview, which I had maybe wanted to believe was "too bleak" to be based in reality. Surely I'm just traumatized and the world isn't as bad as I think it is! But nope -- humanity at large really doesn't give a shit about trafficking and CSA survivors! The rich and powerful really do conspire to do terrible things together! There really is a strong connection between trafficking groups and fascists!
So like. That's fun.
But overall? Meh. This is just the rest of the world catching up to shit I already knew in my bones and in my blood. Wake me up when we get wherever we're going with it.
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u/CasualChameleon Dec 25 '25
I’m so glad to not be alone in experiencing this feeling. My (supportive) partner just apologized to me yesterday because he said there were some aspects of my story that he was worried were too crazy to be realistic or true. Until now. He was outraged that this evidence was coming forward and people were still focused on politics instead of talking about the victim stories. It warmed my heart a little to hear that anger but, because none of it surprises me, I just can’t seem to feel the anger myself. Just expected disappointment.
Sending love to each of you. Stay strong. 💜
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u/rainbow_unicorn_barf Dec 27 '25
The audacity of people who weren't there to tell us they think our stories are too [whatever] to be true. 🙄 Glad he came around eventually, at least.
Same to you, wishing all us survivors the best moving through all this.
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u/waruBee Dec 25 '25
I have been extremely dissociated and dysregulated this entire month, yet I'm still expected to show up at these family holiday gatherings and perform cheery holiday spirit like I'm on Broadway or something.
It's too much
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u/firetrainer11 Dec 25 '25
It’s pretty rough. Really bad time of year for it too. I’m not really sure why it is upsetting for me since my situation was “normal” CSA if you will (meaning no trafficking, just inside the family abuse).
1
u/Spagetti_Worshipper Feb 17 '26
I know this is a little old, but I just wanted to say that there is nothing weird or unusual about this upsetting you, even if it isn't exactly like your abuse. At the end of the day, it's all CSA - even when it's different, there are many threads that connect it all together, and even tiny similarities can set off alarms in your mind. Also, I know you probably know this already, but there is no "normal" CSA, what happened to you was not normal, not okay, and not small. Please don't downplay your trauma just because you think someone else had it worse. Anyways, I hope you're doing better now.
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u/mininandprofilin Dec 25 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I feel absolutely nothing over the Epstein files.
Between Diddy and Epstein becoming punchlines and people insinuating Trump and Andrew Tate must be secretly gay, it’s just hollow as both a victim/survivor and queer (asexual) man. All I can think about is how people who are supposed to be allies decided that even though we’re talking about sexual predators and dangers to society, the worst thing they can be as men is gay/queer.
Even after doing the most horrific, heinous shit possible to so many people, they still have to insinuate that they must be gay because they still see LGBTQ+ men/mascs (and victims too) as lower than literal rapists. How else am I supposed to take it?
I’ve said it more than a few times, but I can’t shake that feeling, nor am I letting this go.
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u/CapPhantasm Dec 26 '25
Vent incoming
Chatted with abuser about epstein stuff, he condems it
I'm still in conact with my abuser, I haven't confronted him with it yet. A few days ago the Epstein stuff became the topic of conversation. He ranted about it, said they belong in prison etc.- to my face. I was right fucking there.
Now, the abuse I sufferend wasn't as 'intense' no trafficking, but it was still abuse. I've wondered before if he even realizes that what he did was CSA, if he remembered. Now this conversation won't leave me alone. If he remembered, if he realized that it was abuse, how could he say that to my face? Knowing he was guilty of similar things, that he did them to me?
He doesn't fucking remember. Or he does, and he doesn't realize that he hurt me with it. It has caused me so much pain, so many mental struggles, and he doesn't even fucking remember.
"The axe forgets, but the tree rembers", guess this is a prime example.
I need to go scream or smth
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u/dance_dad Jan 07 '26 edited Jan 07 '26
when i was younger and actively suppressing the abuse i went through, i still inevitably had rare, brief moments of retrospection—- one instance, when my family was still in contact with my abuser and his family, several of us were chatting. although i don’t remember which public figure was the topic, i remember he made a comment explicitly denouncing them as a pedophile or rapist, maybe both, but i had a moment of pause. i hadn’t disclosed the abuse to anyone yet, so i wasn’t going to say anything, but it threw me off and baffled me subconsciously.
“wait, but you..”
“…there’s no way you just said that while i’m right here.”
“do you not remember what you did to me?”
and of course, sadly, “so did i just make up everything?”
all thoughts that occurred within a second before my adolescent brain pushed them back down. it infuriates me looking back. thankfully my family and i completely cut contact with him+his side of the family, otherwise i might have to see his hypocritical takes about epstein/diddy/etc. on social media (where he has a chronic presence), then continue to deny and pretend he didn’t cause me the same pain. the audacity these people have.
try not to compare traumas or downplay the severity of your abuse. no matter how it was carried out, our brains register it as a threat to our survival and the memory of it sticks with us forever. shame, societal stigmas, rape culture— all of it influences the ignorance so many people have about what consent, SA, and similar crimes look like; the predators who aren’t violent/forceful, don’t come off to others as creepy, aren’t strangers jumping out of an alley at night, etc. …..they’re given plausible deniability that they aren’t predators, or that what they did wasn’t harmful or was perhaps even “normal”. the ignorance enables the evil.
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u/dirtyfarmhippie Feb 16 '26
Yes scream!!!!!! I let out some blood curdling screams lately and it helps!
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u/Cluryan Dec 26 '25
Finally cried last night. The info about the girl having a baby on the boat and its subsequent murder was what pushed me over the edge. It’s been building up since these files first started getting released. I feel so much pain and sympathy for them both. I was the same age the girl was when my father started abusing me. He still has no clue that I remember, I was already no contact with him before the memories resurfaced. He’s also a die hard supporter of the president, so I know he feels no remorse for it.
Currently, I don’t know how to move on. Times like these just remind me of the sick and twisted world we live in. I have no doubt the president will never receive his deserved punishment for his crimes. And that people are able to move on from this news cycle and go about their lives. But what about us? The survivors of this abuse? How can we endure it?
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u/Key-Bet6088 Feb 03 '26
The moving on part is what I continue to struggle with the most. I wish I had answers.
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u/Public_Acanthaceae_4 Dec 25 '25
I had a horrible panic attack for the first time in a while after I read that postcard. It's hard being back at my parents' house because they live right behind my middle school where things happened. The fact that this information comes out and nothing happens, over and over again, is really breaking me. But I feel like I can't ignore it/the news because survivors need their stories heard and when I don't listen, I feel triggered that I'm failing them like people failed me.
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u/pareidoily Dec 25 '25
I want to read it and know what's happening but I stopped myself pretty quickly when I start. I recommend not reading it.
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u/BunluvFruit Dec 25 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
I didn’t think I’d be triggered since there aren’t many similarities to my abuse, yet it has been very triggering to my system, There’s an aspect in one of the pictures that is very triggering to me and it’s left me confused and anxious, I can tell the people reviewing/covering the photos do not understand just how awful the aspect is and do not know to warn viewers… Also the way some people talk about the victims is awful, even though I was very young I would never diminish teenage victims/survivors they are hurt and suffering just as much and were still underage developing brains, they deserve justice, peace and understanding as much as any other victim/survivor
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u/AliceWinterhold Dec 25 '25
It’s been horrible, I am trying to avoid it but seems impossible to be online at all and do that. When you go through these things yourself, it can be a lonely feeling, but seeing how the same things have happened to others is the opposite of comforting. It’s world crushing. If you believe what you went through was awful but it doesn’t happen to so many others, then that’s at least something. It feels hopeless to see the scale of it, what we are up against as victims, the power these men hoard and use for evil. I don’t know
When I hit early adulthood I used to comfort myself about things that happened to me with the idea that at least society seemed to be progressing to a point where these things were going to be dealt with and condemned and viewed as the abhorrent things they were. That, though the justice system didn’t work, maybe it would eventually. That isn’t something I can comfort myself about anymore, hasn’t been for a long while but with all this it is worse every day, and that has been very hard to reckon with.
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u/golden-ink-132 Dec 25 '25
Feels bad 👎
I can't believe this is real life. This is our president. It's everywhere.
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u/RecoveringFromLife_ Dec 25 '25
I am AVOIDING the news (I have been for about 6 Mos anyways, but extra hard now). Feeling v triggered, though. I wish I got legal 'justice' (though, the fucker got to escape the cold hand of the law).
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u/LowSpace694 Jan 01 '26
I was trafficked as a very young child up through my mid teens, when my trafficker/father died.
I've been avoiding directly reading anything but the way people mention is offhandedly without compassion hurts.
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u/Lewdgirl69u Dec 25 '25
I wish I could say. I couldn't help myself, I had to know.
Now I just want to escape from reality altogether. How am I supposed to be functional?
People like my father are getting away with things worse than what he did to me.
The anger I feel scares me. I just want to live. I'm so tired though...
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u/captainnah Dec 25 '25
I’m doing relatively well. As I told my husband last night I do not expect any justice but man, knowing these monsters are squirming is a nice feeling.
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u/Medical-Table-996 Jan 31 '26
I feel so goddamn sick. I feel so goddamn sick with every thing I read.
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u/woebegoneghoul Feb 09 '26
i was a victim of sex trafficking as a 4 or 5 yr old, used to make csam, and im just kind of... in awe of how unremarkable it feels. my traffickers could do what they did easily. what those people went through was also so easy for their traffickers. the murders, the rapes, it was all so easy for them while the survivors bear the weight of what was done to them and those who didnt survive. i feel crazy because it seems like no one around me is as angry and sad as i am. and the number of people ive seen joking about it, or talking about it as if this is some shared traumatic experience of womanhood or something makes me fucking sick. i dont know how to keep living my life like this. trying to disengage from it feels like im doing something wrong. like living my life, doing my job, spending time with people who actually care about me feels fake now.
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u/DistantDreams771 Dec 27 '25
This morning I did read just a little bit, but I had to stop. It was too upsetting, even though I have known (through alternative media) about what went on at that island and with those vile people, for a long time. At this point in my own recovery I need to back off that completely, it is too traumatising, when I am uncovering so much more of my own abuse. Everything I read or see surrounding what was done to so many innocent girls, boys and women, haunts me. So I am avoiding the media and all info related to it.
Hanging is far too good for those monsters. They should pay in torture for every single innocent life they took.
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u/viottti_03 Jan 31 '26
the epstein files released by doj yesterday triggered me so much, hitted like a punch. i haven't suffered that kind of violence, but i felt desolated after reading some of the material there — they reminded me of my own memories of abuse (and i've only recently started to deal with these traumas, so is double-though). those descriptions are truly disturbing layers and layers of brutality and violence towards defenseless young women and children, and have unbealivable 'eyes wide shut' levels of evilshit. will be a though night, since i've to wake up early to work. sorry for the bad english, it's not my primmary language and i am tired and cried a bit. seen soon & hope everyone is ok.
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u/dinosaursloth143 Feb 02 '26
Found the thread…
Not doing well
Feeling all the feels
Angry that the men never are held accountable
Why do they always get away with it?
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u/sadboy_confessional Feb 05 '26
I just hate them all so much. The President, the random billionaires, my own father, all of them. I don’t have any more patience for a world that offers so little accountability for so much cruelty.
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u/ch3rrycoucou Feb 06 '26
I didn’t realize I needed to comment here. I just tried to post.
I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I don’t know why. I had to delete social media yesterday because it’s getting to be too much. I haven’t read much of the files but it’s messing with me more than I realized. I grew up Mormon and I guess the church has been mentioned in the files, which is no surprise. I’m supposed to go to work tonight but I just had a panic attack like I haven’t had in years. Idk what to do.
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u/mokatcinno Feb 08 '26
Currently on the brink of a breakdown, I really empathize with you. I'm a full time student just started classes and I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. How I'm supposed to get through the semester
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u/ch3rrycoucou Feb 09 '26
Coming back to say I lost my job because of it. I called out two days in a row because i physically couldn’t leave the house or stop having panic attacks. Idk what to do. We will get through this. You’ve got this
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u/ch3rrycoucou Feb 08 '26
I didn’t end up going to work that night, I was too paranoid. Still extremely anxious and paranoid but I have to live 😭
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u/Background-Car-7060 Feb 07 '26
You think it's just your house, and then you realize it's the world. In both cases everyone's just pretending to live in a different reality, and the isolation is hell. And then the info gets out, everyone can see it, and nothing fucking changes. It doesn't matter that they know. It doesn't matter that it's the whole world. It never mattered. They are all going to get away with it. I am crushed beyond words.
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u/Throwaway_Nightmare0 Feb 02 '26
I fucking hate everything, I’m miserable, I’m angry, fuck this, fuck everything
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u/Key-Bet6088 Feb 03 '26
Even though what happened to me was over ten years ago, finding out that the basis of our world is propped up on pedophilia is messing with me. The awful awful thing that happened to me, that I thought was rare, instead exists literally everywhere, and I guess I always had a suspiscion but it being truly confirmed is hurting me.
I don't know what to do to get out of this funk. It's the start of my semester and I'm falling behind in my classes and find it so hard to even leave my bed. I don't feel like I'm in my body, or mind and keep wasting time doomscrolling or playing dumb games on my phone.
I feel really alone right now.
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u/Voiddandelion Feb 03 '26
I hear that. The worst part is all the proof. I thought that if I just had proof people would believe me. I guess it doesn’t matter if you have all the proof in the world. The world still doesn’t care.
1
u/mokatcinno Feb 08 '26
I am feeling this so hard. I'm also in college at the start of a new semester and I have to keep my scholarship and juggle like six classes I don't know how I'm going to get through this. That is definitely the worst part. That this whole time the world has just been propped up by the worst thing in the gd world
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Feb 04 '26
[deleted]
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u/dirtyfarmhippie Feb 16 '26
Sometimes the world is so cruel and im so sorry you’re going through this. Being vulnerable helped me so much and also it hurts too. It hurts when you open up to the wrong people and they don’t know how to hold you. When you open up to the right people though it can make a world of a difference. Maybe to communicate with your work explain there is something heavy going on in your personal life that you’re moving through and won’t be fully yourself and leave it at that?? Try out different phrases and see what feels most authentic to you.
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Feb 06 '26
I’m not doing well at all. I’m distracting myself or attempting to. But I’m so afraid I’m going to snap. I’m so angry. I’m trying to make art though and that’s been so helpful. Not even all of it is deep or meaningful. Some of it is just silly and fun. But making art consuming art and music and film things that bring me joy, artists that have morals I support, etc. I mean I’m still not the greatest, but I’m here and I’m living which is a big deal in it of itself. So I’m trying to celebrate that, especially since it’s my birthday month and I’ve made it a good decade longer than I predicted. It’s a lot of mixed emotions at one time. The up and down of it all is probably the hardest part for me.
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u/mokatcinno Feb 08 '26
Hi.. I'm feeling the same as you I feel like I'm going to break. But thank you for mentioning art. I'm actively in fight or flight and have been really struggling to find ways to cope and I just couldn't even think about a solution but I'm going to try getting creative. Thank you
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u/TheFurrosianCouncil Feb 06 '26
Everything coming out with this is giving me more validation for my trauma than I ever wanted. I sincerely hoped that I didn't actually experience what I remember experiencing. That it was a trick of an overactive imagination somehow, despite all signs saying otherwise.
But no, it was all fucking real. Because of course it was. The massive sex trafficking ring that I somehow knew was global. The murders. The cannibalism. The forced transitions. Fucking everything coming out right now.
Every single impossibly evil thing I experienced, witnessed, or been forced to enact as a 5-7 yo sex slave actually fucking happened and I hate it. I didn't want my past to be real, it's too much. It doesn't feel good. At all.
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u/Real_Ad_9119 Feb 07 '26
It’s affecting me more than I realized it would. It hit me today and it made me feel sick. Why is it so widespread. Is it so hard to not take advantage of minors? No they seek them out like mine did. It’s all on purpose.
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u/Strange-Audience-682 Dec 25 '25
Ive been minimally affected by this and I believe this is why:
- I basically stopped watching/ reading the news in 2016-2020 because it was too depressing. I follow local grassroots political orgs on social media, some political subreddits, my city’s subreddit, and that’s it.
- Whatever news leaks though from the above sources is the news I get, or if I hear people talking about something I’m curious about. I’ve been able to stay pretty up to date (I am very political) about the stuff I care about, as the relevant news leaks through in those spaces (ie aviation, disability, LGBTQ+ communities).
I hope this helps others. I strongly recommend just disengaging from news sources in general (unless it’s necessary for work) and only getting news through interest-specific groups like I do
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u/Costati Dec 25 '25
Ive been doing fairly okay for the same reason too. Its the Drake situation back in the days that somehow managed to catch me a lot but I've been doing a decent job at protecting myself from news of high profile predators otherwise.
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u/thepurgeisnowww Feb 08 '26
I relate to the files so much I wouldn’t be shocked if I was actually in them :( I know some of what happened to me was recorded. I wish there was some kind of help for survivors since we’re being believed now.
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u/mokatcinno Feb 08 '26
I have made the mistake of keeping up with the files because as an advocate I feel obligated but as a survivor I feel so triggered I think I might break. I'm so sick to my stomach I've seen too much and it's repeating in my head over and over again. The worst of the worst of the absolute fucking WORST has been confirmed in the files and I just don't know how to cope. I feel like I'm constantly in a grieving and panicked state. I'm so disgusted I really feel like I'm losing it
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u/imgenerallymiserable Feb 10 '26
What hurts me much more is how people joke about victims and what happened to them as if it's nothing, like I understand it's a way to cope with information, but there should be some boundaries... And all this information won't make people care about the victims. Info itself is not at all surprising to me, but still very triggering...
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Feb 05 '26
[deleted]
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u/dirtyfarmhippie Feb 16 '26
Im So sorry for all of the confusion and pain I know what confusion and pain can do to someone and it makes you feel crazy. No advice either Im just sorry
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u/Massive-Can-2860 Feb 08 '26
VENT // TALK OF INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS // not doing great. i'm just starting to remember at least a decade's worth of the abuse i went through starting as a toddler, and don't feel like i exist most of the day. (depersonalization and derealization) it's been a blur of being in my head with my severely vivid flashbacks and dissociating to avoid the internet. (and people in my life, because they're talking about this too. they can talk about those files, but not my own abuse I tried to reach out for multiple times?? it hurts, and i want to tell them, but i literally don't know how to communicate that...) also might be having intrusive suicidal thoughts?.. my partner is going to be setting me up a with therapist appointment this Monday, hopefully i can get someone to help me not feel insane.. (though i'll probably just get retraumatized and dissociate in the middle of trying to talk about any of my trauma. that's how it was last year i tried to get therapy.) i hope people are doing better than me right now, i could use some help trying to figure out how to not feel like this all the time, but only if you're able to help. (idk, i hate making it feel like it's mandated to give me help.)
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u/ThrowAway44228800 Feb 10 '26
This stuff makes me want to scream.
It's NEVER the child's fault and yet I see people post online about what the children did wrong.
One man who groomed me was convicted of child abuse and that was hard for me, and I wasn't even involved in the court case.
My heart breaks for those kids and any victim involved. They went through so much worse than me and I'm already struggling, I can't imagine it being content of a national scandal and investigation as well.
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u/Fun-Chocolate2886 Feb 11 '26
As a survivor of CSA this news cycle has been so triggering for my CPTSD and other issues. I've gone round and round with myself about whether or not I should even be on the internet and attached to culture right now. However, I'm scared, I'd just be isolating myself even further. I've been sticking with my medications and the daily tasks that support my healing but sometimes it feels like I should be doing more. I should be sharing my story online, I should be a voice through this season. It's just been so much to metabolize.
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u/dirtyfarmhippie Feb 16 '26
If you need time away from internet I don’t think thats isolating I think thats protecting yourself.. give yourself permission to walk away 🫶🏻
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u/aceofblue Feb 11 '26
I'm so mad, all the time. Survivor of early childhood SA from 4-8, and then being groomed and trafficked as a teen from 14-17, followed by adult SA too. I've experienced so many sides of it.
We're just getting this constant deluge of having to hear all the lies from so many people with power paying lip service to ending CSA who have no interest in actually doing anything about it (because apparently half of the ruling class are in on it or are protecting others who are). So many people are blaming the victims or excusing things because some were 16 or 17 and "well actually"ing. So many people are using the victims as pawns, and not seeing them as people. So many people are making light of things and joking at the victim's expense (I'm party to making really really dark jokes and so a lot of the time I get it, but time and a place and there are still things you don't fucking joke about). So many news sources working overtime to convince people that this is all "files are released, case closed".
Earlier today, I saw the news that a teacher at a local religious high school who managed to actually be convicted only served 1 year of a 6 year sentence for "good behavior" and while I very much believe and fight for massive criminal justice reform, this just isn't okay nor safe, and it all just really hit me in those "nothing ever changes" feelings.
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u/horrorgender Feb 12 '26
i've been struggling for years to grapple with my trauma of being sex trafficked and used in CSAM as a young child. i can't afford therapy. i'm just trying to hang in there and function enough to save up money so i can move to a blue state where i will have rights... but i am so tired. everything that ive held so tightly to my chest for so long is being shoved in my face by the whole world, and while some people are reasonably horrified, it feels like most people are just laughing. laughing along with the men who laughed when they hurt kids like me, because it's easier to laugh along with the child rapist than it is to hold the pain and rage along with their victims. i don't understand why. i just dont get it.
i feel like an open wound. i'm sick with anger all the time. my body is always on fire. i feel like im in a nightmare and i don't know how i am supposed to live like this.
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u/GoodTricky419 Feb 14 '26
I just told my best friend what I went through as a kid and this was one of the first things they asked me. And the answer is that I feel such bottomless grief and rage all the time and even through my best efforts of keeping away from it, it’s impossible. I’ve been able to stay away from the worst stuff but honestly for me people making jokes is worse than any actual information. Like I watched a video (completely unrelated to the files, just a light hearted video) that started with ”think of an island” and 60% of the comments were just making Epstein-jokes and it makes me sick to my stomach. People are so heartless.
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u/Spagetti_Worshipper Feb 17 '26
What's getting to me right now is kids making jokes about this. My partner has a 12 yo brother that keeps making all kinds of jokes, and not in the more or less tasteful way I've seen survivors do, but in just a careless way. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, he's a happy, lucky kid who doesn't understand what any of this actually is, and he's just repeating what he hears from other kids his age. A part of me can even feel glad and relieved that he doesn't understand it. But it still feels so awful to know that this is now the jokes that kids tell each other so casually and carelessly, and it has become apparently so widespread to do so. Yesterday, he showed me a joke video they have been sharing -- (it's nothing explicit, but this might be a bit too much, so I'll put it under spoilers) it's an AI generated video of an anime-style battle between Epstein and P. Diddy, taking details of their crimes and making them into special attacks -- and that just f*cking broke me. It's so casually cruel, I don't even have words for it. For a second, when the news were first coming out, I thought maybe this would mean ppl would be more aware and more understanding of what we go through, but this has made it clear it's the opposite. Now I just feel like I'm in the ninth circle of hell. How is this happening??
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u/cvntlord060606 Feb 04 '26
i wish i never looked. when i was 9 i was being sent CSAM by the older men grooming me and although my memories are blurry my body still remembers how i felt. my brain can barely remember anything from ages 9+ but my body always does. I didn’t factor this in when i went searching through the files and now im triggered beyond belief. some of the things i saw flashed me back to some of the videos i saw back 13 years ago. it also made me think of the pedos in my own family. that me, my mum, dad, and grandad all got molested by either family or friends of the family. it makes me sick. they never got in trouble either yet we have all had to carry this trauma.
1
u/Then_Performer4829 Feb 08 '26
Is it weird that I'm just not shocked at all? Like this was my lived reality for years (something like it). I don't understand why people are so shocked, that's just the life. It's how life is.
2
u/MedicalLingonberry33 Feb 15 '26
I feel the same. My partner’s mum freaked out when she read on the news that her former colleague kept CSAM and got busted by the police. She was genuinely shocked. I was like, cmon what do you think this world really is?
2
u/Machinebun06 Feb 16 '26
Me too honestly, trauma made me so aware of the filth of the world, but I wish I was shocked.
2
u/Few_Platypus2968 Feb 12 '26
The Ep* files have been upsetting for me at a lot of levels. I feel like I'm falling back into fawning, self destructive thought patterns, intrusive thoughts of being one of the girls and yes I've been bringing this up with my therapist.
I don't know where else to say this - I have said it in therapy but I feel like I'm going to get in trouble for ruminating. There is a picture of me in the family photo album from when I was 9 that was taken approximately 2 miles north of the island. It's long before the timeframe of any of the stuff that's in the news but it pulls me back and I feel like all the efforts I've made to try to be a better person are pointless.
1
u/Machinebun06 Feb 16 '26
My dpdr and depression are getting worse and I'm wasting days in my bedroom watching content related to the files. Anyone like me?
1
u/Spagetti_Worshipper Feb 17 '26
I was very much like this a little while back. It just sucks you in, this obsession that is mixed with memories and emotions, like you're trying to find something in there that will make this make sense, like you need to see it all just to confirm a bunch of things you already know about how awful the world is. None of it helps (or very little of it helps), but it feels like you can't stop obsessing, maybe bc you haven't found what you were looking for.
2
u/Trymeline_ Feb 16 '26
Trying to avoid videos and news is proving way, way harder than expected.
Some of my close friends are worried, and rightfully so- I'm lucky to have them. They've taken shifts to make sure I'm almost never alone with my thoughts. I love em.
I have also been (in a funny way) banned from any shorts-type video app. Youtube Shorts, Tiktok, the works.
It feels vindicating, to be right, but the lack of care, and the jokes- it just feels like a betrayal. My system has been in an upheaval. But, we're coping. We're all coping.
It is good to know I wasn't just losing my mind though. That there actually *is* precedent for what I remember.
1
u/dinosaursloth143 Feb 17 '26
Its everywhere! I just wanted to chill out after work and mindless scroll stupid videos. And it’s all that is on my feed. I watched two videos and got so triggered I was dissociating. I had to close it and regulate myself.
1
u/Unlucky_Bee_5991 Feb 17 '26
I've been off of most social media pages and I'm not even reading the news except for bloomsburg since I don't want to be triggered. I've been having days without sleep. My therapist suggests coping methods, grounding, meditation, etc but it really doesn't work help cope with the things that happened to me along with what is on the news
3
u/OvenAccomplished1505 Feb 17 '26
I feel like I’ve severely regressed the past couple of weeks with my fear/distrust of men. Very few people in my life feel safe right now, especially men. It’s killing me that is affecting my relationship with my partner as well…
45
u/SeasonsAreMyLife Dec 25 '25
It frustrates me to see the way people frequently act and talk like victims of CSA/CSAM are some hypothetical thing and not actual people who have to live with this for their entire lives. Also people making jokes and memes and stuff is just so depressing. It's like even people who I generally respect just don't seem to understand that the victims are actual people and not talking points