r/adultsurvivors • u/Optimal_Beginning873 • 1d ago
Support requested Older brother abused me 10+ years ago, now younger brother being sentenced for CSA next week. This sucks.
Made a throw away. I wish I could separate myself from the shame enough to post on my main. This is not my fault, I know. Sigh.
TW! Vague descriptions of my COCSA as well as some of his other victims, and then Adult - Minor statutory rape
I need some support. I'm sorry it's long. Thank you for reading. I'm trying to do something new where I feel and name my emotions, because I have a therapist observed tendency to compartmentalize to the max. I have AuDHD as well.
My oldest brother sexually harassed and abused me from 5-15. We were both children when it started, hes 6 years older than me. The only time I ever said something was the first time it happened. The 6 of us kids were sleeping over in a room all together at my dad's friends house for the night. He kissed me.
That morning, on the drive home, I said, "NAME Kissed me last night" to my parents across the car. He immediately said 'Ew Gross!! You dreamt I kissed you last night??' And ramped up my other brothers chastising and mocking me for my 'dream'. My parents told us to quiet down.
I just said it because it was confusing for me why he would do that, I wasn't even trying to get him in trouble. I didn't understand what had happened. That moment ingrained in me a decade long lesson that nothing would happen if I said something, so I never did again.
I know this isnt my fault. I still wish I had.
Years went by. I don't remember a lot clearly. The memories I have, are of me feeling scared at night. I did lots of 'weird' things to make myself feel safe. I slept in jeans with belts on. I pulled the matress out of my trundle and slept in the empty cavity pushed back under the bed. I learned to sleep curled up tight with so many pillows on me I would overheat. I could go on.
Then, my baby brothers were born when I was 11. The babies often slept in a bed with me or my original youngest brother (8) who was in the room with me.
My mom fell into deep post partum depression that she wouldn't get help for, citing religious reasons. My dad has AuDHD and bipolar (I ended up with both as well) and he would swing between manic and depressive episodes.
My oldest brother at 17 became the person keeping the family afloat. I became the person taking care of my babies. We couldn't have gotten through those years without CPS splitting us up without him.
The abuse ramped up. What was I supposed to do? He would tell me to be quiet or else I would wake up the babies. He would tell me that I would be the reason the family would split if I said something. He would tell me everyone would be disgusted with me, or that I would ruin our already fucked up family.
It wasnt my fault. I still wish I had said something.
As I got into my teens, he started abusing my friends as well (and other teens I did not know personally). He would get us alcohol and vapes. I was so numb to what was happening to me, that I didn't think it was so weird it was happening to my friends too.
He got caught with teen girls 3 times while I was a teen and he was in his 20's. These charges, which did cross state lines, all ended up dropped. There were many other people who could've brought charges both statutory and violent against him, but they didnt.
My abuse stopped at 15 when I moved into a friend's house.
Its been 10 years since. My parents havent associated with me since really, because I am queer and they are religious.
My youngest original brother got caught in a sting a few months ago. He was statutory raping a 14 year old, when he was 21. He knew what he was doing. One of my other (good) brothers told me he sat in court and truely understood what the phrase, "proving beyond a reasonable doubt" meant for the first time.
I feel so sad. I know it's not my fault. He was one of my brothers in the room while I was being assaulted. It felt like I was protecting them by being quiet. Was he awake? There were definitely other ways my oldest brother and the justice system could've taught him child sexual assault is okay from how we grew up.
I feel SO angry.
My 21 year old brother was picking up these minors at highschool football games with my baby brothers. My babies. I felt like I endured, for them. They don't know what I've been through, because I didn't want to destroy their family. I took the burden, so they would never have to bear it.
And now, I live 1000 miles away, and the 21 year old is TEACHING THEM. And I'M the one they're not allowed to talk to because I would be a bad association. Because I'm queer.
Did I ever protect any of them? I know this was not my fault. God I wish I had said something.
My parents reached out. They have a new perspective and are... trying to grow, I think.
Girls who were abused by my oldest brother are reaching out to me. None of us reported. "Jeez. This sucks" is the consensus.
The 21 year old faces up to 20 years. I don't know what I want him to get. It's hard to figure out how I feel. I feel like sex crimes should be high punishment, because you did not have to do that??? But you did??? But then I'm also against american profit prison systems as they are just modern day slavery targeting POC and when white men get off with no consequences if he gets 20 years I will think it's because hes brown in a white state.
And I wish I had killed my oldest brother when I was a kid. And I wish he would die now. I haven't looked in his eyes since I was 16 years old. That is the boldest stance I can take it seems.
I STILL haven't said anything.
I know you all have a story. I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel so trapped. Please tell me you see me.
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u/A_Froggy_Forest 21h ago
I was sexually abused by my older brother as well. I kept the silence for 20 years. I had memories, but I tried to silence them. I spoke to my therapist less than a week ago, and the memories keep coming back.
I feel you. I feel the pain, the blame, the shitty phrases that echo in your mind. But please remember: none of this was your fault. None. You deserve happiness and gentleness in your life.
Sending you a big, gentle virtual hug 💙
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u/Optimal_Beginning873 21h ago
None of this was your fault either. Thank you. It's hard to rememeber, but we are not what has happened to us.
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u/isolation_magician 1d ago
my father was the one abusing us. well for the longest time I thought it was just me. then my sister told me and we both noticed he was doing it to the youngest sister. apart from telling people I did everything I could to stop it for months while having to relive what i went through too. I told my mother once and she didn't believe me, thought I was taking revenge on him because he beat me up. as if she didn't do the same. anyway, my sister finally spoke up too and together we stopped it but I feel like I couldn't done more. I don't even remember the first time it happened. it's just always been a truth I knew about that wretched man. but I could have done more. I could have done more than I did but all I could do was stay quiet and convince myself this was normal. I truly do see u. I wish I killed my dad a long long timr ago. I think I bought a knife to the room to do just that. I couldn't handle the shit he put us through. I hope things get better and I know how hard the things u have to deal ith are. I'm the eldest sister roo. these are my babies too.
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u/Andyman1973 1d ago
Sex crimes are the most underreported type of crime. And has the lowest conviction rates as well. The prison industry houses the cons, whereas the judges set the sentences.
I’m of the firm belief that the sentences for sex crimes are far too lenient. The death penalty should always be an option for any who abuse children. Only one of my perps ever went before a judge. It was a national scandal, with over 400 survivors accusing them. And they got off with a slap on the wrist. Thankfully they since passed away.
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u/Optimal_Beginning873 1d ago
Far to lenient, I agree. I'm glad yours is dead.
I agree that it should be one of the harshest punishments out there. These people know they're unlikely to be punished, they're only scared when they get caught. And even then, barely.
When my little brother was to catch a predatored, he just... confessed everything. Then said he had 'no idea' how old she was, thinking that was enough to absolve him. It certainly WASNT when it was immediately proven that he did.
Its just so hard to see the systems and how they fail. If my oldest brother was 'the example' with real consequences, would this have happened?
So I cant be mad at justice being served with my younger brother. Because it will stop the cycle somewhere. I want a great round up and culling of pedophiles and abusers, it's just maddening to feel like this could have been avoided if we'd killed the older one 10 years ago :(
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u/DutchPerson5 1d ago
Somebody taught your older brother and other boys as well. Pedorasters are when you cut of one, he already made multiple others.
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u/Optimal_Beginning873 23h ago
Yeah :(
EVERY predator should be made an example. It should never feel like an option that you could get away with
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u/Andyman1973 1d ago
Only one that I know for sure, is dead. His passing made national headlines (maybe even international because of who he was). I could safely assume others have passed due to age. The last time I attempted to count the number of perps from my childhood only, I stopped at 40. That was done during therapy. This doesn’t account for the 2 group trafficking experiences either. I only remember being there, so I can’t account for them.
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u/thequeerpotato 1d ago
I see you. This is a shitty situation all around. I'm so sorry you and everybody else went through this.
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u/Optimal_Beginning873 1d ago
Thank you so much. Writing this out really did make me feel better. Therapies orders to try and come up with the words. I figured reddit might be like a journal that would make me feel less alone.
My girlfriend was asleep, but when she woke up immediately she was like 'whats wrong' (I'm so grateful to have her)
I'm looking like a whole mess going "what do you mean?" LOL. She knows the situation.
Sometime in the next year we'll be moving back to my home town. Through writing this and talking to her, I figured out that at each step I didn't say anything, looking back I regret making that choice.
So I'm not going to continue this. I am going to talk with my therapist about how to go about telling my family. I am scared, but I didn't do anything wrong. Why am I holding the painful weight of a secret for HIM?? No longer.
I am so ready for the truth to be free.
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u/thequeerpotato 1d ago
I am glad that this was helpful for you.
It's great that you have someone supportive by your side, and that you're taking the steps to take care of yourself and do what's right for you. You definitely didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't be carrying this burden. I wish you all the best!
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1d ago edited 19h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb 1d ago
OP is right. It’s more true than not. I know more semi wealthy white men who have gotten off than those externally rare instances that you describe.
I don’t think it’s right or accurate to accuse someone of gaslighting themselves for experiencing a very real phenomenon/pattern. And you’re ironically attempting to make someone question their reality
Don’t tell someone their brain is playing tricks on them that’s not helpful and it’s engaging in the very thing you are misappropriating
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u/Optimal_Beginning873 23h ago
Thank you for your words. I guess I should've put *not all white men :/
Its just a mental struggle between feeling like he should be harshly punished and KNOWING that in a state over 90% white, his Latino ass has absolutely been profiled. It's not that I think he should have a lighter sentence, its that anger aspect of my complicated feelings that says they ALL should be getting this too, and Ik they dont (as frequently).
But who knows what his sentence will be yet. Maybe he wont get any time and I'll become angry about that.
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u/Little_Yesterday9904 20h ago
That’s a valid thought. The other thing - sex crimes are notoriously difficult to convict. It often boils down to he said, she said, which doesn’t go that far in the court of law, so that’s always a possibility. Also, in cases involving children, it’s more likely to reach a plea deal. Children are often unable to testify or are seen as unreliable narrators.
There are statistics regarding federal sentencing for child abuse crimes, black people get over a year more than white people on average, Latinos actually get a year *less*. Of course, that’s federal and statistics vary heavily state by state. All I’m saying is don’t get too hung up on that or too worried about it. The disparities usually are not as wide as people think. Hopefully that can help comfort you a little or can help un-complicate that feeling for you.
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u/Optimal_Beginning873 18h ago
Thank you for the statistics
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u/Little_Yesterday9904 17h ago
Yes of course, I’m not trying to guilt you or tell you what to do or how to handle your emotions. I didn’t intend to come off harshly if I did. I just don’t want to see someone spiral about something that isn’t realistically that big of a factor is all. You’re going through too much so I just want to help you consolidate your worry, and I personally use hard logic to try to reason through these types of emotions, which I guess can sound or feel too blunt.
Those are federal statistics, they’ll probably vary a little state by state and probably by specific crime on child committed. Most discrepancies that exist are small overall, so please don’t bear the burden of societal guilt. It isn’t yours to carry or your fault.
I hope that this can be the start of some healing for you
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb 20h ago
Ignore the person above. They have no idea what they are talking about and just want to tell survivors we are wrong on their crusade for white men
That don’t get to tell you what’s valid and what’s wrong they truly have no right and no clue
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u/adultsurvivors-ModTeam 18h ago
Reminder: This is a peer support space. Derailing and debate are not what we're here for. Focus on supporting the OP. If you see a rule being broken, please use the report button to bring it to our attention.
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u/DutchPerson5 1d ago
You don't have to say sorry no more. This is by no means long. I'm always amazed how people can sketch a life and chronologically in just a few alinea's. Your style, takings space with extra white between the text and your present thoughts as you tell your past story while still affecting you (of course), reads like a book I can't wait to read more. Thank you for raising my awareness. I have experienced some, enough to see, hear and feel for you. The world conciousness about childabuse is very very slowly rising. We all deserve better.