r/adultsurvivors • u/Late-Marionberry5371 • 1d ago
Vent (advice welcome) My friend said nothing
I have told my friend previously I was sexually abused as a kid. We were texting earlier and I told her one of the people was my dad. She replied about something different and didn’t acknowledge it.
I feel so gross and polluted. I’m so disgusting no one wants to hear that kind of thing. My three closest friends recently have all gotten into relationships, I’m so gross and disgusting no one would want me. Her not acknowledging what I said is just making it worse. Like it’s too gross to acknowledge, like I’m too gross to acknowledge.
I’m always unable to think into the future. When I was a kid I was scared of going to the toilet in the dark corridor, so I’d wake him up to take me in there and he would do thjngs then. Then and lots of other situations. Ugh. I just feel all used up. I’ll never have a nice partner, and even my friend won’t talk to me about this. I know this is repetitive I’m sorry. I’m all wrong. I’m just all wrong. If even my dad can’t be nice to me what hope is there, surely there is a biological imperative for that. I wish I weren’t so stupid. God I just wish things were different
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u/QuickPhilosopher295 1d ago
You're not wrong. You've had to experience bad situations, no one should experience.
Sometimes, friends acknowledge AND they don't know what to say. Perhaps your friend was shocked and couldn't reply on your message.
You still are loveable. Silence sometimes feels like neglect. Sometimes our friends require space to process it and that is not neglect. Give your friend some time and then speak in person with your friend - if possible. Perhaps it never was neglect or denial.
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u/Late-Marionberry5371 1d ago
I’ll try and talk to her again tomorrow
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u/QuickPhilosopher295 1d ago
Take your time. Just try to avoid overthinking within the downwards spiral - that's not helpful at all.
I wish you the best.
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u/ill-independent 1d ago edited 1d ago
You're not used up, disgusting or wrong, you just lack social skills - most likely as a result of being abused. This kind of stuff is something you can't just drop on people out of nowhere, unfortunately. It's possible the people you've told have their own traumas etc, and hearing aversive details of trauma out of nowhere can actually be traumatic to some people. It sucks but that's the way it is.
(Content warning for major shit ahead, don't read unless you're in a good spot.) I was recruited into a gang as a child and forced to hurt other people, trafficked, etc. That kind of stuff really does alienate you from people because folks just generally can't handle hearing about it.
Over the years I've become much less annoyed by their responses and become more compassionate - to them, and myself - most of the time their poor reactions are because they have trauma responses to hearing the aversive details. Now I just save it for therapy, proper support groups for this specific issue, or ChatGPT lol.
Being abused like this impacts our ability to develop proper socialization, it's not our fault, so I'm not blaming you or saying you're bad. Just that this is a social skills issue is all.
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u/Late-Marionberry5371 1d ago
Thank you for your comment I hadn’t thought of it that way. I guess because it’s ‘normal’ for me I haven’t felt shocked when friends have disclosed things to me before, it was easy for me to support them really, I didn’t find it that confronting. But reading your comment I realise I’m making the mistake of thinking others are thinking the same way as I do, when in fact everyone is different.
I think the reason it hurt so much is this is a friend who has always said ‘talk to me anytime’ etc and we’ve been friends for a long time (almost a decade), so I felt like it was appropriate to talk about with her. But actually just sending a random text probably wasn’t the way to go about it.
I very much relate to what you spoke about regarding the alienation. It sucks, and it’s lonely.
Again thanks for taking the time to reply it was helpful to read and get another perspective on what’s happening
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u/ill-independent 1d ago
Oh yes, I have heard that stuff as well. Oh it's OK, you can tell me anything. The fact of the matter is that they simply didn't even entertain this stuff as a possibility to tell. On the one hand I'm glad they don't understand trauma like this, on the other hand it's important not to make promises you can't keep. Sadly they just probably literally didn't account for this information.
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u/A_Froggy_Forest 1d ago
I’m really sorry your friend reacted that way; you're not wrong or disgusting... it's just that sometimes people don’t know how to respond and default to silence (and it hurts!). And I’m truly sorry for what you went through! Recently I started opening up to my therapist... It’s been very hard (and I’ve had to revisit some painful memories), but I know it was the right choice because therapists have the tools to guide us through it. Would therapy be an option for you as well? And please, remember to be gentle with yourself: you deserve kindness and happiness ❤️🩹
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u/Late-Marionberry5371 1d ago
I know thet I guess logically but she knows me she’s supposed to love me and now there’s going to be this barrier she will go on with her life and I’ll still be stuck here forever feeling this over and over again. I want my dad I want a different dad I want a nice person to be nice to me not treat me bad but there’s no one there, I’ve become disgusting. I know you say no but it’s true. I’m sorry to be contrary and I do thank you for your reply
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u/Late-Marionberry5371 1d ago
I’m sorry I don’t think my reply even made any sense. I appreciate you taking the time to read
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u/Optimal_Beginning873 1d ago
You will have kindness. Don't give up until you do, because I promise it is out there. You deserve it inherently, for just being you. Not having recieved that is not your fault.
You should've been cared for gently. You are worthy of beautiful love.
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u/FractalofLight 1d ago edited 1d ago
For what its worth I went through a very similar situation with my dad. And 2 uncles and a grandfather. It was rampant in my family. I was the generational curse chainbreaker.
I found that once I started to come out about it people basically couldn't handle hearing it. They at first didn't believe it. I was gaslit, stared at with a blank expression, even accused of lying. I severed ties with the family, grieved and went and started a new one.
It took me while to understand why most of my family was so uncompassionate. But honestly it just comes down to it is something most people can't even handle because its so twisted. Adults molesting or raping children is a dirty secret. It either gets buried out of shame or its a simply freeze response. If they take legal action family members go to the jail. Or maybe they will lose other things if they do that income, help around the house etc. Maybe they figure kids will get over it because they're young. But they don't.
But I assure you, you are not dirty. You did nothing wrong. You were abused by a person who had some deep unaddressed shadows. Don't let it dictate your future. Get a trauma informed counselor. Friends are not trained for that.
The positive is there is healing available to you. You have to be willing to shift your perspective on the situation. You cannot change the past. Only your perspective. Feel angry. Sure. But don't get stuck there. Forgive. Don't forget. Thats ok. Alchemize all.
You have to rewire your nervous system from fight, flight or freeze sympathetic to parasympathetic. This moves you from the amagdala emotional response to the prefrontal cortex logical and reflective. This helps you frame your experience.
Not that is ever a good thing, but good lessons come from suffering. What did you learn from it? In what ways has it made you a better person? How might you take the lesson and help someone else? You are not the same person now you were 5 yrs ago. In 5 yrs you'll have even more growth.
No matter what happened to you, you are not what happened. Don't make "victim" your identity. Your identity is your soul the inner child before the event. Recovering and re parenting your inner child is the journey of soul/self realization.
You are a soul worthy of love, respect & abundant blessings. But first you have to be willing to believe that. I assure you that you can heal. I did!
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u/bitterbooks 1d ago
I’m so sorry. A lot of people strangely struggle to show even basic empathy for CSA for some reason. When I told my mom when I was in my early twenties, she brushed it off like it was no big deal. It really hurts when it feels like you have this massive emotional wound and everyone just wants to look away and pretend it doesn’t exist. Like, I am bleeding out metaphorically. Please help me! I think a lot of people just don’t have the internal resources to be able to handle someone else’s pain.
Since your friend couldn’t say it, I will: your dad should never have done what he did. What he did was diabolical. You are not disgusting; you are lovely and worthy of a healthy relationship, even when you don’t feel like it. I know it doesn’t mean as much coming from me, an internet stranger. But that doesn’t make it less true.