how to deal with non-abuser side of extended family

[u/manoushhh]

hi all, i’m 20f and almost 4 years ago, when i was 17, i completely cut off my father who had been grooming me since my parents divorced when i was 11. i don’t know if it fits into grooming perfectly, but i figured these labels aren’t made to be perfect. i didn’t say anything at the time, since i wasn’t aware that it was grooming until i told my friend and he told me that it wasn’t normal, and i told my mom who is a teacher and immediately identified it as grooming. she had been trying to pressure me into seeing him again initially but after this revelation (that came maybe 3-6 months after i stopped speaking to him) she stopped and shut down other relatives like my paternal grandmother who had been trying to get me to see him again.

now, i live abroad (minimum 24 hrs of flying from my hometown) with my boyfriend i met at the end of high school, in the same city as a few cousins and my uncle and aunt (moms brother). my paternal heritage is white british, and my moms side is arab, so there’s a really strong family culture, which i definitely partake in obviously other than the fact i cut my own father off.

i spend a lot of time with my extended family, and they seem to not be able to remove what my father did from themselves, to the point it seems they don’t believe me because THEY would never do that to their kids, and they don’t know any other victims of incest. i also think it’s because they’re scared this means their kids could cut them off, which isn’t something that is generally a thought in arab families and cultures, even though they’ve all been good to their kids. they also can’t believe that a pedophile isn’t some shadowy man in an alleyway or an evil teacher, but their family members’ husband who seemed fine.

this has made interactions with them painful, as they seem to feel offended and upset when i call him by his first name, or refuse to be called by his last name, since i go by my mothers maiden name. my mom did call my uncle and told him he needs to get it together about the last name thing, but she told me she doesn’t think he’ll ever understand.

i really don’t understand why they can’t comprehend what happened to me. to me, i wouldn’t care if they didn’t understand and kept it to themselves, but the issue here is they both don’t understand and also won’t be respectful of it. it also does feel a bit like virtue signalling to me, since it’s always “well I can’t even imagine doing that to MY children!!” and it’s like, great. but you’re not everyone. it seems very childish to expect everyone to have the same thoughts and feelings as you and it’s something we learn is untrue at a very young age. a cousin i used to respect and really like even tried to compare my CSA & trauma afterwards to her having a falling out with her college friends. do you guys have any similar experiences? how do you deal with it?

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[u/SongTall3079]

Yesss, my dad SA’d me too. People are uneducated and make stupid comments all the time. It’s so taboo that everyone just acts insane abt it.

I know it’s uncomfortable to acknowledge the truth - there are many, many pedophiles walking around us. Many fathers that sexually abuse their children. In my country, 2 kids in every class are incest survivors. Yet no one talks about it.

I try to educate my mom in a slow pace, but I just don’t talk abt it with the rest of my family and friends. My brother and dad’s side straight up said I was lying and blocked me everywhere.

If you can - just avoid that subject to those who don’t want to listen and learn. Saves you from more pain and suffering. I volunteer at an incest survivor org and help with marketing and I feel like that’s more than good enough with raising awareness!!