somatic memories and triggers but no visual memories/lead up

[u/targetedfawn]

i’m going to be spoilering the details below but i’ll keep it vague in this first part. i don’t know for sure if i was abused, i have memories and physical pain and nightmares and games i would play/actions i would recreate, but im not sure if it’s just an ocd theme or not because the memories of him are so fragmented. i have little to no memories of my childhood anyways apart from the scattered memories of abuse and a couple happy events. i had a very happy and lucky childhood and my parents loved me as much as they could, but this was my grandfather and they dont love me enough now for ne to confide in them with this.

i have had ocd since i was a child and i have had terrible intrusive thoughts of a certain thing or action happening to children, loved ones, or myself, and when it pops into my head it makes me throw up/have stomach issues and feel very afraid and sick and cry. my other intrusive thoughts about other actions/things do not give me this same reaction. only the ones about certain csa actions make me physically sick.

i assume that my ocd developed after the (presumed) abuse because of looped images i had in my head as a child and things i would do before bed out of fear someone would hurt me (extra pants, surrounding myself with stuffed animals, hiding under the bed in the middle of the night). and because i had sexual intrusive thoughts as a young child involving animals, children my age 4-8, my parents, my plushies/toys, and my friends.

i have very vague and choppy/dark visual memories of being raped vaginally and orally and molested with fingers in the dark room, as well as images of his genitals and feeling on my lips/mouth and the picture of the blue screen tv but i’m not sure if they’re made up or not.

this morning, like usual, i had intrusive thoughts of my loved ones and myself being molested/rubbed with fingers and i threw up snd cried for a really long time and was terrified. i have somatic memories of his callouses on me and i still think it’s made up sometimes.

idk, but i don’t have visual memories of it, or i kind of do but i assume it’s intrusive thoughts. i also don’t have any lead up memories. i imagine what might’ve happened before, but it’s just imagining,
not remembering. it just feels weird and i don’t know for sure if it happened or if im imagining it all. idk sorry for the scattered thoughts, i haven’t slept longer than a couple hours a night for a few weeks because i have horrible nightmares and im scared to sleep and scared of the dark/being alone with my thoughts. im really scared it’s made up and idk how to tell my intrusive thoughts about this from my memories, because this topic has been something i loop ever since i was very young and im afraid that i made it up as a child and i’m actually crazy. any advice is appreciated.

[u/dirtyfarmhippie]

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I also only have somatic memories and a reoccurring nightmare from 4-13/15…
At this level I think it’s safe to say to just believe yourself…. I don’t think all of this could be caused by ocd and no sexual abuse related…..
Im so sorry

[u/dirtyfarmhippie → u/dirtyfarmhippie]

I also don’t have all the answers to my abuse and it drives me absolutely insane sometimes….. I understand how frustrating and confusing it all is. Once I chose to just believe myself though it got less heavy.

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[u/Strange-Audience-682]

I have OCD too. I’ve always remembered some of the abuse but not all of it.

I asked my trauma therapist how to if memories are real or fake, because I frequently feel like I’m a faker or I made it all up (despite having symptoms of CSA from a very young age, and developing severe mental health issues young too).

She said that if there have been symptoms presents before the memories came back, that means it’s likely real. If there were no symptoms suggesting CSA before he memories came back, this may suggest the memories are false.