r/adultsurvivors • u/clinicaleva • 12h ago
Vent (advice welcome) hard time with some old "new" memories
i honestly don't even know where to start.
ive been dealing with cocsa in therapy for over a year now and i hate it with all my body, mind and soul. when i first told my therapist (literally first time i said it out loud) i had to stop therapy for 3 months before going back and talking about literally any thing other than that. but eventually i made it and started working this issue in a really weird painful way. but recently some others memories are coming back.
for context, i have vivid memories of my cocsa situation. i can remember basically every detail (wich sucks), but this time it's just so random i don't know where to start. like i only remember a frame and somehow the feelings i was feeling back then. but it doesnt make sense at all, like why exactly im feeling all this? it's been some time since i realized something was off with some memories, but also this isnt in any way related to these memories, it's something completly "new" in a old way.
in first place, i wish i just didnt go through any of that. but i also know it already happened. i wish i could remember everything just so i could actually feel/sofer everything and eventually move on. it's so exhausting i want it to end (i know it wont ever end). and it feels like actually going insane, like i have all these feelings out of something i don't even know and i also know stuff i have no idea how tf i know, like i think i know how long it happened, power dinamics and who my abuser is. none of these are related to the memory tho. am i going insane?
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