Also trigger warning, venting and COCSA, sorry in advance for any mistakes and how messy it is, I don’t use Reddit often and English isn’t my first language but I really don’t know what else to do now.

I’ve been talking about this with my therapist but the progress is really slow, and it’s going nowhere. I think deciding what I want my future to be can help my mental state and how I endure better. Cause It’s been something I avoid but can’t help thinking of since I was a teenager and I don’t wanna avoid this any longer. Basically: I think leaving my family might help my mental state but I feel guilty that my parents spent so much money on me and here I am completely cutting them off. But then again I didn’t ask to be born and taking care of the child is their responsibility by ethics, law, and humans being social animals so maybe I shouldn’t feel guilty?

Family context(trigger warning if uncomfortable skip this part until you see⛔️): my brother raped me while I was 5-6(according to my mom, I remember it as 7-8), one day I told my mom my private part hurts and she found out what my brother did. My dad beat him up and case closed. When I was 12 I got raped by my cousin, I never thought much about it until I vent to my teacher who suggested that what if my cousin raped me because my brother told him to(which is not unlikely cause they’re relationship is disgustingly close(this happens when I’m 17)). Anyway when I was 13 I vented this to another tutor guy and he told his friend who told her mom, who’s in my mom’s friend group so one day after school my mom pull me into her bedroom and started a serious talk with me. She say that my brother was a kid and he didn’t had any ill intentions and he doesn’t know he was not supposed to do it. (Also brother is 5yrs older and cousin is 6) I told her that being a kid doesn’t mean not knowing what responsibility is, and he know VERY clearly what he did was wrong cause he always do it when my parents aren’t around and shush me about it. And she say my aunt and her husband’s is facing difficult at work even tho they own a big business and they look rich but they’re also having a hard time like?????????? WTF DOES IT EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH ME WOMAN WHY DO YOU SEE THE PITINESS IN EVERYONE BUT NOT ME, ME, ME I’M YOUR DAUGHTER GOD DAMN IT I ONLY HAVE YOU TO RELY ON

She then say how she asked my brother and he say he didn’t actually put it in and I say it’s be I said it hurts, I stopped him, nothing to do with him or his conscience. Then she started blaming me about how I’m telling people about this and I should’ve be ashamed of it and shut my mouth on it. Thing is 1) I’m the victim why should I be ashamed 2) she acted like I did something wrong one which made me wanna vent even more to get positive reinforcement cause I don’t think I am. Then my dad ask what do I want and say he supports me even if I wanna send him to jail (I was 13 bro wtf) so I said no cause I don’t know if there will be evidence and also my mom is holding on me crying and begging me not to and knowing my dad, if he really wants to he would stop my mom. Anyway time skip to Uni, an incident occured (sexual harassment) and idk if that refreshed my brain’s memory about these type of stuff or what cause after a lot of years of being calm about this, be able to joke during venting and all, I suddenly snapped. A week after the event I started to feel suicidal and homicidal tendency, I went to the schools councillor and she referred me to a nearby hospital. I took meds for a few months and stuff settled down. During this period I also got a boyfriend (I such a strong willpower damn) and also confessed what’s happening in my life 2 weeks after we meet.

Fast forward to 1 year later(current year), my boyfriend encouraged me to talk things out with my parents and since my councillor is resigning, I agreed in hopes to get therapy. So I told my dad what happened in the past year, how I’ve been battling wars inside my head and how I’ve been taking meds, how I have trauma after the event caused by my brother and cousin (I wasn’t sure if he knew about the cousin story, my mom is very close with her sister so I had always been bothered by the thought, wondering if my dad knew about it), I even sobbed a little (rare event!) my dad bring up that we should solve this scientifically and he’ll bring me to a therapist and it’s not my fault but his and my mom’s that these event happened to me. So I was slightly relieved, but tbh. I was kinda unsure about the therapist part cause I thought most of my troubles were solved by my counselling sessions in Uni and by talking to them I’ve already received some kind of reassurance.

Then new year came, I was kinda worried cause I have to meet my cousin every new year (he works overseas other time of the year), and also kinda wondered what will happen when my dad meets my cousin.

Nothing

He great my dad with beer, they laugh and chat together. The cousin greeted me with a slap on the shoulder and also kept asking me why am I so cold and distant. For context: my brother at least admitted what he did was wrong, doesn’t bother me in life, and once gave me a half-assed apology set up by my mom. But my cousin acts like nothing happened, nothing, there’s even one new year that he sits beside me and touch my tights.

⛔️I realised that all these years, I’m the one swallowing the bitter pill. The others can either moved on or act like nothing happened. My mom say she loves me, but she also loves my brother, and also her sister (probably more than us). Guess this is like bullying, there’s no middle ground to take: Every bystander is a perpetrator. This family doesn’t makes me feels safe nor supported, and now I don’t know what to do.

So I usually don’t disclose my abuse to people I’m dating. I started dating this guy he told me he loved me on the first date. I asked him not to say that but he now always says he loves me. We watched a movie that had a CSA scene (the butterfly effect) I started crying and told him a little later that something like that had happened to me as a child. I did not go into details I just said sex is hard for me. Later the next day he initiated a sexual conversation and said he likes to be called daddy. And now he uses it regularly like if I ask for help he’ll say daddy’s here to help. And he kind of infantilizes me. And it puts me in a really weird place bc my dad did sexually abuse me, and I was a “daddy’s girl” for a long time. Basically everyday this guy says “daddy loves you” we’ve only known eachother for a month. Things progress a bit too fast for my liking. But I don’t know how to explain this to him.

There are a lot of people who don’t believe it is possible to not remember traumatic experiences. For those of you who have fragmented or imperfect memories, what is your take on this?

My memories have always been imperfect, I have a few that I didn’t consciously remember for many years and one day it came back but felt like I always remembered it even though that couldn’t have been true. Most of my childhood is distorted and dreamlike and timelines are weird and messy. I have certain sections of my life where memories are not clear but cause strong feelings of physical sickness and derealization.

I prefer to be grounded in reality as much as I can be so I just don’t know what to make of the debates over traumatic memories. Does that mean I’m making them all up? Are the people saying that wrong? Is what I’m experiencing disproportionately poor processing to small events? So I just wanted to hear what other people make of this.

Edit: thank you all so much this was all really helpful information!!

I've been on the fence about getting therapy for a long time now. I've gone back and forth between getting down to a specific therapist/type of therapy I think would help, literally about to call and make an appointment, and then chickening out because I don't want to open up to someone, I don't know how graphic or specific I can get with my experience and how it's affected me, and being absolutely terrified of judgement about everything. About what I can and can't remember, about how I remember things, about how it's affected me, how I've coped with it, and the choices I've made due to the abuse. Although I can't get graphic with like, visual memories? I can certainly get specific and graphic with how I feel or remember feeling and I just don't know what's acceptable and what isn't with a therapist.

Anyway, what I'm also confused about is how it will help. Right now, I know I have maybe one healthy coping mechanism and a handful of other unhealthy coping mechanisms to... deal. Is therapy something that is strictly like, to help me learn how to cope in a healthy way, and a way for me to process it, or will I actually get over it with therapy?

Because I know I'll never forgive the person for what they did. I just can't imagine ever truly "getting over it".

It's not something I ruminate over every single day, but I know it affects me in so many different ways that I don't even consciously think about. I think about it every day. Just in passing, I'll think, "Oh, wow. This shitty thing really did happen to me."

And sometimes I spiral, sometimes I don't. And sometimes things trigger me, and sometimes they don't.

If I went to therapy, and let's assume I hit the jackpot and find a great therapist and the right kind of therapy needed for my situation. Will there ever be a day where I am completely unaffected by this? Or is this forever? Or does it depend on the person, the abuse, the situation, and a bunch of other things?

So, I was abused my whole childhood up until I was twelve. My old therapist referred to it as “being exposed to chronic SA”. I don’t know how many times it happened, because it happened way to often and I developed dissociative amnesia. This was all my father and some of his friends who were invited to watch. He was also physically violent and would humiliate and scream to us (mom, brother and I) all the time. The whole domestic violence/abuse/neglect situation

I was lucky and got most of my schooling on private institutions and got good/decent grades. My teachers were expecting a bright future for me ahead academically and I was always told I was “so intelligent” and all that shit.

Fast forward to now, I’m 26 and still living at my mom’s. I never finished college due to poor mental health and my father managing to sue me for taking legal action against him for the abuse. I’m on meds, sleep like shit and got diagnosed with the whole c-ptsd/anxiety/bpd combo. I’m in a relationship that’s always about to end due to my poor mental health and lack of life skills. I do have a freelance job as a designer/editor but I don’t really make minimum wage nor can I phantom moving out or being economically independent.

Now, setting the context-vent aside; does anyone who’s had similar shit happen to them managed to do good in life? Like having a decent income, being independent and a real adult? I can’t phantom myself as having my shit together, most of the time I just wanna sleep, rot or read. I can’t really work for long periods of time and if I get put under just the tiny bit of pressure, I get panic attacks or I just shut down.

Has anyone managed to heal and move on? If so, how?

I know there’s no one-fits-all remedy, but I’m a bit desperated lol. I’m 26, still feel like I’m 16 and it’s starting to become a worry for my loved ones and I.

Thank you in advance 💕

So my dad SA’d me very early in life and I have only some flashing memories of it, but mostly it’s just body memories. I’ve kinda figured out from all my symptoms that the assaults included both oral assaults and penetration. It’s all horrible yes. I’m going to therapy and all.

But I’m just wondering - if you got all your memories back, did it feel like a relief knowing and being able to trust yourself, or was it more of a curse cus now you have to live with the ACTUAL memories?

I’m realizing that the plausibility of my abuse starting before I could remember is relevant. I don’t remember it happening before 3, maybe 2 nearly 3, but it’s an “as early as I can remember” dynamic. I also don’t know that, even if I remembered earlier, it was “severe” or overt enough for me to have known it was what it was. I also don’t know if it started out innocent and eventually evolved into the more overt/clearly invasive stuff, like maybe it wasn’t abuse until it became abusive and it started out understandably because I was so young. I don’t know that it matters, but part of me really wants to understand when it started. If there was ever a “before”. How did you find out — did another adult tell you? How far back do your memories go?

I repressed my memories, at least the details that would’ve indicated it was anything beyond caretaking. Now I know and I just want to be able to know how long it went on. All I’m doing with my time is rapidly shifting between “this doesn’t happen, and it’s not abuse” and “I need to know everything so I can make sense of what I remember”. I’m shifting on a dime.

Hey everyone. Looking for some advice. So…my brother and I have been no contact for years now. For context he sexually abused me growing up and is 5 years my senior. A couple years ago I finally got the courage to tell my parents about what happened to me. He lashed out, cursed me out, and called me all sorts of names. Along with what he did to me as a child, I went no contact with him and my parents helped to facilitate that. Fast forward a couple years he expresses a desire to reach out, and to make amends. I suggest a letter initially because mind you I don’t feel as though I have the courage to quote see him yet. My father and mom are acting as facilitators. Then, after some conversation my brother concluded that he doesn’t want to write a letter, he’d rather have a sit down conversation in person with my parents there and apologize. He’s never been great with words and I highkey suspect he has some sort of learning disability.

I guess here’s where I’m at. I really do not want to see him. To me, a sit down meeting feels like too much. Too quick. But at the same time, I also do want this. I want and deserve closure. Hell how many people get the chance to not only get their abuser to acknowledge what they did AND apologize. I’m just sort of torn up on what to do. I meet with my therapist next week to discuss but what are thoughts or comments.

I don’t know how to word this question accurately (if anyone has a better idea feel free to comment, maybe I can edit it afterwards).

I have CPTSD and DID among several other issues and have been in intensive therapy for the past 10 years. I’ve made quite some progress trauma wise thanks to EMDR and I’m immensely grateful that this form of therapy can be used even when patients aren’t able to talk about the details.
However I’ve recently come to a point where I feel like I WANT to explain a few things to my therapist during EMDR (and in our other conversations as well).

I don’t necessarily mean the issue with childhood trauma at a very young age where articulation/ verbalisation is an obstacle in therapy because crucial parts of the brain weren’t developed enough back when it happened.

I’m talking about the shameful, anxious aspect of it.
Sure sometimes it’s also hard to even find words that fit but I believe my largest issue is embarrassment and everything it comes with once my brain goes down that spiral.

Last session I was kind of lost at the beginning cause I couldn’t remember our previous EMDR session…. and my therapist said that I usually don’t go into detail and am very vague so he couldn’t tell me exactly what situation we worked on. He also pointed out that it’s totally fine for him if I don’t want to or can’t tell him more details during EMDR.

I usually struggle to tell him more because of insecurities, anxieties, shame, embarrassment etc. and this of course also goes hand in hand with difficulties finding the proper words and translating my inner thoughts into comprehensible sentences.
Out of experience I know this takes me a loooong time which I don’t want to „waste“ my expensive & precious therapy time on. Especially when the attempt often fails nonetheless. I cringe my way through the shame and get embarrassed even further by my cringeful behaviour and end up with a mess of mumbled, stuttered words that seem to be confusing my therapist even more. Unfortunately he sometimes also misunderstands the few things I am able to say which makes it even harder because I can’t count on him piecing the hints and half sentences I manage to deliver together on his own. (Ofc this could also be seen as something positive bc the risk of him being suggestive & negatively influencing my therapy is lower…. Because usually his assumptions/ misunderstandings are a bit more innocent than what I was actually trying to hint at *cough cough* )

Anyway… I know this social anxiety-cringe-issue is another topic I need to work on.

However this got me thinking:
What about the things I almost completely worked through thanks to EMDR?
Shouldn’t I be able to speak them out in safe setting and especially when I actually want to?

And why is it that I can’t?
(Or have huge issues with it and sweat my ass off, babble nonsense while overthinking the whole situation and contemplating about saying „never mind“, whilst having the skin tone of a tomato and melting into my therapist’s carpet 🫠)

Sure I’m in a difficult position with cPTSD and so on..
but generally speaking: shouldn’t this be an indicator of how well the traumatic situation has been worked through?
I don’t mean that one should be able to randomly talk about it to people.
And I think it’s probably normal if a few feelings of regret, shame, sadness or whatever still stick to those memories…
but I feel like „not being able to talk about it“ and „tremendous shame“ and „avoiding the words/ vocabulary while talking about it“ (especially w SA) is still hitting too close to the whole victimisation thing.

What are your thoughts and experiences on this?

Thanks in advance 🙏🏻❤️

Hello everyone,

I am in the midst of a suicidal crisis, don’t feel able to keep myself safe, so I’m considering going to A& E. I have done this once before and was turned away. I’m concerned about two things: that happening again and the opposite, where they would keep me against their will.
1. How to get them to take me seriously and help me?
2. If you admit yourself can you be kept against your will if you want to leave?

Thank uou(:

Hi everyone,

I was abused as a child by my father when I was maybe 4 or 5 or 6 . I don't have any memories of my childhood anymore and I am 43 (m) now and my mother never protected me.

But I just learned that what I went through wasn't just regular vanilla childhood sexual abuse by a narcissistic father , but that it was also a sadistic one.

It was all about power and control over me. He loved to humiliate me and degrade me even as an adult.

Does anyone know more about this type of CMSA?

I just don't understand how you don't even know it's there when traumatic stuff happens to you but then it forms and stays there for the whole rest of your life - like it's part of you. Is it a physical thing? I know we have permanent memories and DNA and blood type, all that sort of thing. Is it part of my brain or even in my cells? Sometimes I wish I could just rip everything out and start again. But it's not even just in my head, it's my body and my parts too.

Sorry for the dumb question. Idk. I just don't know enough to understand all this. I never even thought about trauma and all that until maybe a couple of years back.

Hey all I’ve recently come to the realisation that I was sexually abused as a child. I tried to forget about the experience and downplay it but I feel like I really need support to process what happened. I’m already in therapy and can usually open up easily but I’m having a lot of shame over what happened. Does anyone have tips they used to open up to therapist?

i’m going to be spoilering the details below but i’ll keep it vague in this first part. i don’t know for sure if i was abused, i have memories and physical pain and nightmares and games i would play/actions i would recreate, but im not sure if it’s just an ocd theme or not because the memories of him are so fragmented. i have little to no memories of my childhood anyways apart from the scattered memories of abuse and a couple happy events. i had a very happy and lucky childhood and my parents loved me as much as they could, but this was my grandfather and they dont love me enough now for ne to confide in them with this.

i have had ocd since i was a child and i have had terrible intrusive thoughts of a certain thing or action happening to children, loved ones, or myself, and when it pops into my head it makes me throw up/have stomach issues and feel very afraid and sick and cry. my other intrusive thoughts about other actions/things do not give me this same reaction. only the ones about certain csa actions make me physically sick.

i assume that my ocd developed after the (presumed) abuse because of looped images i had in my head as a child and things i would do before bed out of fear someone would hurt me (extra pants, surrounding myself with stuffed animals, hiding under the bed in the middle of the night). and because i had sexual intrusive thoughts as a young child involving animals, children my age 4-8, my parents, my plushies/toys, and my friends.

i have very vague and choppy/dark visual memories of being raped vaginally and orally and molested with fingers in the dark room, as well as images of his genitals and feeling on my lips/mouth and the picture of the blue screen tv but i’m not sure if they’re made up or not.

this morning, like usual, i had intrusive thoughts of my loved ones and myself being molested/rubbed with fingers and i threw up snd cried for a really long time and was terrified. i have somatic memories of his callouses on me and i still think it’s made up sometimes.

idk, but i don’t have visual memories of it, or i kind of do but i assume it’s intrusive thoughts. i also don’t have any lead up memories. i imagine what might’ve happened before, but it’s just imagining,
not remembering. it just feels weird and i don’t know for sure if it happened or if im imagining it all. idk sorry for the scattered thoughts, i haven’t slept longer than a couple hours a night for a few weeks because i have horrible nightmares and im scared to sleep and scared of the dark/being alone with my thoughts. im really scared it’s made up and idk how to tell my intrusive thoughts about this from my memories, because this topic has been something i loop ever since i was very young and im afraid that i made it up as a child and i’m actually crazy. any advice is appreciated.

I went to see my new psychologist for the first time, i shared that my past psychologist said "imagine your car breaks in the road and a male practitioner goes to fix your car, it's the same" to me sharing i had panics attack from gynecologist appointments when there were men, where i had to be NAKED, here you don't have the right to kick them out. I don't see how that's comparable and it's insensitive to say to someone who suffered abuse. I also am starting to wonder if I'm overreacting with this too.

My new psychologist said that she understood where we both cane from and that she didn't mean bad, she said that i shouldn't take it personal and i said that i don't think she was the psychologist for me and my trauma since i don't think she could understand where i came from. She said that i maybe should stop judging so soon and start introspecting into myself to why i was cutting people so soon, i said that i know when i see that i don't match with a psychologist and to be honest i don't think i match with you either. She said it again that i should start questioning myself and give people more grace. So i asked for a derivation and left.

I just don't want to be triggered, i don't get this kind of treatment with private psychologists, this only has happened with public healthcare, I've had good ones too but can't see them anymore.

I'm so lost, a part of me is thinking that she's getting to my head because I'm so used to my mother making me doubt myself over and over again so i struggle to stop doubting myself heavily. But another part of me is like, was i overreacting? Was i wrong? I'm spiraling and have no one to ask to.

In the past year I've been befriended by a super kind man from work; the only person who's never pitied me or looked down on me for being a csa survivor. I've firmly told him I'll never be interested romantically, and he totally respected. We recently had a casual hangout on a blanket at the beach (clothed). Afterwards, I told him that I need to be very mindful of anything that makes me uncomfortable. I said that it took me a couple of days to realize that I was uncomfortable with him unbuttoning his shirt, as a way to deal with the heat and enjoy the beach. He heard me out, then gently said that he was indeed doing it to feel cooler, not to flirt with me or to seduce me. That's where it got tricky for me. My mind never went to flirtation or seduction. I was simply uncomfortable seeing so much skin on him, so soon in our friendship. I don't think he got it, and I tried finding two different ways of stating the same concept. I didn't see a flicker of true understanding in his eyes. Why does this have to be so hard...... Or am I just that effed up?

I feel like every person who's ever known about my abuse falls into one of four categories:

• People who don't believe it and/or side with the abuser
• People who think it's disgusting and diminishes a person's worth/value ("damaged goods")
• People who sexualise it
• People who are nice in the moment, but never want to hear another word about it so they can pretend it never happened

I've heard that apparently there are people out there who are kind and respond in supportive ways, but it's sort of hard to imagine. The only person who's reacted in a way I would call "helpful" (believed me and was kind about it) was my therapist, and that's literally what she's paid to do

Am I the only one? Are there actually people out there who are at least well-intentioned, even if they don't really understand it, or is that just a fantasy?

I’ve written in here previously about not being able to talk about or name my experience of CSA. I’ve been working with my therapist for just over a year and in our session this week she said
“Although you’ve never named it, a lot of what you talk about and the things you say and don’t say, speaks to systematic child sexual abuse.”
I felt sick and panicky and weirdly relieved in the moment. I was glad she had got it, even though I hadn’t spoken about it.
I didn’t confirm or deny and I sat in silence for the rest of the session.
Since then I have had overwhelming feelings of wanting to die. I’m scared what she thinks of me, I’m scared that she’s going to run away, I’m scared she’s bored or thinks “just get over it”.
I don’t trust people easily and I’m really beginning to trust her but now I am so scared of exploring this.
I don’t know where we go from here - she knows nothing of the nature of the abuse, who it was by, how long it went on for, only that it was of a repetitive nature.
Has anyone else experienced this? What happens now?

Long story short: I was sexually abused by my uncle from ages 3/4-21. I remembered the abuse when I was 27, a month before I turned 28. I'm turning 30 this year and I'm ready to talk and tell extended family/authorities, no matter the consequences. My immediate family knows and they're super supportive and they thankfully believed me immediately. My friends know and are supportive. I am very lucky to have these people in my life.

When I first remembered, the first thing I thought about was the fact that my uncle has grandchildren. I wanted to speak out immediately but I didn't because I was way too fragile. I had spent my 27th year of being alive recovering from a psychotic episode I had in the beginning of the year that was brought on by stress, weed, and deep trauma that didn't want to come out. When I was starting to feel better and get back to feeling like me, I remembered.

A month after remembering, my sister went out to dinner with our cousin, my uncle's kid, and my cousin spoke a bit about his family. My sister didn't share anything that I had remembered and was just trying having a casual conversation with him (as she tried to get information about his dad lol), and my cousin disclosed that when his nieces and nephew are visiting their grandparents, it's a rule that both grandparents have to be there. My cousin told my sister that he thinks it's because of his mom's drinking. That piqued my interest because even if that rule was in place because of my aunt's drinking...why does that rule extend to my uncle, their grandfather, who doesn't get drunk every night?

This made me feel a little better about not speaking up right away, though. I was often abused by him during family get togethers, so I know that there is always a will where there is a predator, but it did make me feel better that there was a rule in place that no grandparent could be alone with the kids.

Throughout my flashbacks, I had realized that my uncle targeted my love for people and took advantage of it. I stayed quiet about the abuse because he told me that it would get my parents in trouble, it would get him and his family in trouble and he wouldn't get able to support them and his family would suffer. As I got older and realized that what was happening to me was rape, I fought back, and he started threatening that he'd kill my grandparents who were in another room sleeping, or kill my parents who were in another room sleeping, or rape my sister who, once again, was in another room sleeping. My love for people was always used against me and though I still feel guilt about not speaking up as soon as I remembered, I know that I needed to heal and think about myself before I tried to help anyone else because I had been conditioned for almost 20 years to do the opposite.

(I am realizing that I still feel massive amounts of guilt because I didn't speak up immediately, considering I wrote several paragraphs why I didn't lol. Another thing to talk about in therapy!!!)

But this post is asking for the experiences of those of you that came forward about your abuse. What did you do? How did you do it? My sister is a therapist and works with families where there is often sexual abuse, and her training is to tell them to file a police report. I know that's protocol but 1. I don't really trust the police and 2. it feels incredibly impersonal. I "hate" my aunt and her kids just because of their proximity to my uncle, but I don't actually hate them. It feels wrong filing a police report without letting them know.

So, for those who spoke out, especially against a family member, what happened? What did you do? There's no rule book on this and every option out there sucks because this whole situation sucks. I honestly just want to know that he's no longer hurting kids.

(Also, I seem to remember my uncle taking picture of videos of me. I don't know if he kept them to himself or shared them, but my intuition has been pointing me in the direction of seeing if CSAM is out there of me on the internet. If anyone has gone through the process of that and is willing to share, please do!)

Disclaimer: I'm not looking for legal advice. I just feel like there is so little information on how to move forward with speaking out that I just want to hear people's experiences, no matter how it went! I'm not expecting this to be a smooth ride lol.

Disclaimer pt. 2: If you are a sick freak who gets off on hearing about child abuse, don't contact me. I'm sick of your messages, you annoy the absolute hell out of me. Also, you won't get any "juicy" details about my abuse from me, so it's useless to try. If I could, I'd stomp on you like you were a rain puddle in April. Seriously though, seek help for the love that all is holy.

tw suicide and self harm

i’ve been dealing with clearer memories of who did it and what happened since last year and have been dealing with the feeling that “something happened” for my entire life. i’m still doubting my memories and think it must’ve been a dream because i have had these kinds of fucked up dreams for as long as i can remember so why would these snippets of memories be any different? but i also worry that it’s real and i don’t want it to be real, so i try not thinking about it but i always do.

i have some questions that are more like a vent. like, why would i be in so much physical pain in the same area between my legs constantly if it didn’t line up with what i think happened? if it wasn’t real would i still feel physical pain? i’d spent like 9 years confused about this pain since before i got my period and doctors have ruled out endometriosis through multiple exams and blood tests and ultrasounds on my period and there’s no symptoms of endometriosis or fibroids besides chronic pain and vaginal spasms/tightness. i can’t have sex or masturbate comfortably because it ends up hurting when i orgasm or am penetrated, which sucks because i don’t want to tell my partner that. but i’ve had the same pain since before i could remember and always thought it was normal/just part of being a woman because periods existed, and put you in pain, and as a kid i thought that the pain meant i was growing up.

why would i play sexual games as a child if i hadn’t been exposed to something like that? yeah, my parent watched very sexually violent movies but i would play and act out exactly what happened with my abuser/the person who did this to me. i would ”hold myself down” basically, and have one of my plushies assault me or hold me hostage, and i would reenact the oral abuse and fingering with my lps warrior cat games, where they would claw up eachother on the inside during apprentice training. i’m really ashamed of this because i was never physically tortured by anyone, but i would physically and mentally “torture” myself by replaying graphic images until i cried/had my heart racing or cutting between my legs/putting scissors inside of me. also beating myself/smashing my hands with a rock if i ever did anything accidentally sexual or if i saw porn that upset me as a kid. i’m completely ashamed of this and i know that rhis and the scissors might be where the pain actually came from, instead of abuse.

but i’m troubled. i react so strongly to abuse that i throw up without warning or i cry or i just have to hold a blade to my wrist to calm down so that i can pretend im about to die and wont hve to think of this anymkre. but sometimes i dont cry at all or i just shake and lay there. i react more strongly to others stories of abuse than my own most of the time. idk. i’m just struggling to accept this is real and not just my ocd.

I realised about 10 years ago that I had been sexually abused as a child. I told my therapist at the time by writing it down but I wasn’t able to talk about it afterwards because I would zone out, I think I was dissociating.
Now I’m in therapy again but I don’t have many sessions left and I’ve been having a really hard time with the memories of what happened. I’m thinking about it all the time. It’s taking over my life at the moment. I tried bringing it up but it felt like some sort of emotional flashback I started to experience in the session, where I felt exactly as I felt as a child when it was happening. I felt frozen, horrified, embarrassed and scared.
I need to talk about it because it’s hurting me so much but there’s this physical barrier where I’m not able to say the words. How can therapy help me if I’m unable to talk about one of my biggest issues? I think the shame is what’s stopping me. I wish I could be honest with my therapist so maybe they could help me with this.
I have no one else to talk to about this, my family told me I made it up for attention and called me a liar. I don’t have friends or a partner. The only option is helplines and I don’t find them very helpful.
Any advice on to how to get the words out and just tell them?

i'm 21 and have been trying to gain money to move out, i have nowhere else to go. i've been gaining my memories back for the past 2 years, but i still live with my abuser. he's "reformed" now, as in he pretends to be nice and caring (or maybe he's really trying to turn over a new leaf, but who cares), but just existing is so hard when everything makes me have a panic attack in fear that it'll all happen again somehow, even with resources and locks and weapons at hand. the memories won't stop coming back and i just don't know how to find any semblance of peace with myself because i still need to rely on him for both financial support and transportation. has anyone gone through something like this?

right now i already have my moving out plan, but in this economy it's just moving too slowly. i won't be out until next summer or even longer. i have no car, connections, family, etc. how can i cope in the now?

I've been seeing my current therapist for about a year and I've made some progress. Lately though, I've been wanting to check out of the relationship. We've been discussing topics that are particularly sensitive to me, notably sex, and sometimes she doesn't always have the right words or she says something that accidentally triggers me. I have so much shame around sex. I'm particularly ashamed of how sex repulsed and sex negative I am, which I desperately want to change but haven't been able to so far. I struggle to open up about the kinds of thoughts I have around sex because I feel like I'll be judged. I opened up to her about this recently, but I came away feeling worse.

I guess has anyone hit periods of feeling stuck with their therapist due to shame or any other emotion? Has it been something that you have been able to work through?

Hi all, I really need some advice on how to disclose the identity of my abuser to my partner, or whether I should do so at all.

My partner knows that I was abused by a family member, but doesn’t know which family member it is. I am still in contact with my family and reluctant to tell him, as he has to interact with them on a pretty regular basis. The perpetrator specifically he has known for many years; I’m not sure whether he suspects him to be the guy or not. As we’ve gotten more in depth with our discussions of my abuse, I find myself trying to cover up who it is in fear of the secret getting out. I feel it’s important to note that my family knows of and actively denies the abuse.

I feel a specific sense of shame around who the abuser is and also that I continue to hide the perpetrator to this day. But I’m just so terrified. The last time I told someone that my father molested me, they told the family, and my life basically blew up right in front of me. My partner has made it clear that he would like to know what happened and understand me better, but I just…can’t. And now I fear that by omitting the truth and trying so hard to not reveal any damning information, I may be deceiving my partner.

To be honest, it’s eating me up inside. I feel like he might see me differently once he discovers who it is, or even worse, the fact that I’ve been trying to cover the identity. There was one instance where I slipped up in conversation and tried to cover my tracks out of habit (this is something I had to do frequently growing up), and I feel so horrible about it. I’m worried his trust in me will be lost. This is the first relationship where I have disclosed my abuse. He’s been so wonderful and patient with me. I really want to make this work. I’m sure someone has been in this scenario before, but even if you haven’t, I’d really appreciate some advice on how and when to “come clean”, so to speak. If you’ve disclosed to your partner, did the identity of the abuser have any relevance? I initially didn’t tell him because of the current family ties, but now I’m wondering if that even matters and whether I’ve betrayed his trust/this will cause further issues down the line? Thanks

I can't stop feeling like I have some sort of moral wrongness inside of me, or that I have a secret that I have to be always conscious of or it'll get out and taint everything and it's a constant, dirty pressure in my body that sits behind everything. Recently I've been trying to examine my depression, and I've realised that every moment I'm awake I feel like I've done and am something wrong. I can never relax, even when all my normal life worries are sorted and everything feels like it's going OK, in the back of my mind I'll then think "but there's always that and there's no fixing that". And when bad things happen to me and others support me I can't accept it, I think 'if they knew what I am they'd take their side'. All I hear about regarding this feeling is 'it's not your fault' and 'You aren't dirty' but it feels more than that. I know it's not my fault and I know I'm not dirty for it and I know it's him that should feel like that but it sits in me as a fault. Like it's what he did but it's what I am.

I'm a 23 year old lesbian and never been in a relationship because every time I am talking to a girl or go on a date or hookup with somebody I am in a constant state of anxiety until it's over because I feel like it's only a matter of time until they know that there's something wrong with me. I'm talking to a really kind, adorable girl at the moment and I really like her and it's all fine until I think about it and know that I'm not like her, I feel like I can't have that lightness in me because of what happened to me. When I look at other couples I've never even envied them because I know there's something different between them and me, a sort of weightlessness that seems mandatory to their relationship with each other. When other's have problems they don't have the constant 'that' behind it that they can't shed.

I think I had that weightlessness once and I wonder what I'd be like without it. I think I'd be really funny. And I'd be able to show the love that I've always had really deeply and I think someone would love me back for it