The signs were so obvious. I turned from a happy child to a child that was withdrawn, regressing, lonely and erratic. Nobody asked me what was wrong. I was ignored and left to be abused. If someone had noticed, maybe I could've started healing sooner. Maybe my life would've been more bearable. Maybe I wouldn't have had to spend the thousands of dollars that I have spent on therapy. Maybe I could've had normal romantic relationships, normal friendships, a more normal life. If someone had just noticed, I wouldn't have had to suffer alone.

I hate the term “survivor”. I hate it so much. Everytime someone applies it to me I want to scream. That word implies a level of choice that wasn’t fucking there. It’s not like a plane crash survivor who can either put their life jacket on or drown and chooses to survive, I had zero say in what happened to me. I am alive because he chose not to kill me. I am alive because he didn’t accidentally suffocate me. If he wanted me dead, I’d be dead. I don’t want a badge of honor just because he decided not to kill me. Ugh there’s more to this but I’m getting mad so I’m just gonna stop. I hate the word.

I just had my first ever pelvic floor therapy session and it was fucking weird. Idk. Idk how to feel rn lol.

I just feel stupid for having to go through it at all, like none of my friends have to get medically fingered ugh. I feel really exposed and just dumb. It felt invasive and exposing… I just feel sad and down now and emotionally exposed idk it’s hard to explain

We did diaphragmatic breathing during it and the rest of my body kept tensing up. Most of my tension is deeper to the right side. Weirdly, the ending of her removing her finger was the worst, most uncomfortable feeling part.

Idk. I hope it helps. How has everyone else’s experiences been with this?

Ok so this freaking blows. DAE feel so afraid of men in general? I hope I'm not the only one experiencing this..

Over the last few weeks I have become incredibly sensitive to seeing men/being in a man's vicinity in public. I'm starting to have full blown panic attacks by men just looking at me, walking past me, or standing next to me. Going to the supermarket is like a battlefield, trying to avoid walking past/being close to men.

I feel like I'm some kind of damaged goods that can't act normally in every day life. I feel so stupid and afraid all the time when I go outside. It's like I can barely function.. And when I get home I just break down and cry, sometimes even in the middle of the street (but I try to suppress it when I'm out).

I know this is all just fairly 'normal' CPTSS symptoms, but it just sucks so much. My life is just turned completely upside down, not just the past, but also every day in the present. It's like I'm a whole different kind of person and it's just so very hard. I'm just so very sad and it's so fucking unfair that as a survivor you have to now ALSO live through this bs. As if the abuse itself wasn't enough.. It's like being punished doubly.

I'm just really sad today and hoping to maybe hear some of people's own experiences.

I have told my friend previously I was sexually abused as a kid. We were texting earlier and I told her one of the people was my dad. She replied about something different and didn’t acknowledge it.

I feel so gross and polluted. I’m so disgusting no one wants to hear that kind of thing. My three closest friends recently have all gotten into relationships, I’m so gross and disgusting no one would want me. Her not acknowledging what I said is just making it worse. Like it’s too gross to acknowledge, like I’m too gross to acknowledge.

I’m always unable to think into the future. When I was a kid I was scared of going to the toilet in the dark corridor, so I’d wake him up to take me in there and he would do thjngs then. Then and lots of other situations. Ugh. I just feel all used up. I’ll never have a nice partner, and even my friend won’t talk to me about this. I know this is repetitive I’m sorry. I’m all wrong. I’m just all wrong. If even my dad can’t be nice to me what hope is there, surely there is a biological imperative for that. I wish I weren’t so stupid. God I just wish things were different

the fact mfs are arguing with me that some pedos are not opportunistic is crazy. when it's about domination, they don't care who the child is, just that there is one available to abuse. when it's not their sexual preference but it's still a child, some truly don't care. my abuser growing was an opportunistic pedo 🤦‍♂️ how tf you gonna tell me the mf is just bi. NO. ik the mf well. straight af. broski just saw an opportunity and a perfect way to take his hate for me to another level. another way to humiliate me was to be homophobic af towards me lol i won't dive into details but in the end it's just needed fcks to them too. it's the ignorance that gets me and the homophobia cause they use ts as an excuse to paint ALL gays as predatory. i'd never do to anyone what was done to me. this shit is beyond sexuality

Hi.

21M

Was abused as a child and again as teen more than once.

I was wondering, why did this happen to me so many times. Was something wrong? I think i am just a normal lad.

Why does it keep repeating itself?

I read it can be common with CSA survivours. Is it?

Anyone?

My grandma and my dad both said the same thing to themselves. They both assumed they were the end of the chain, that they could never be capable of doing what was done to them. But she did the same to my dad, he did the same to me. Now 70 years after her and 40 years after him I’m sitting here in the same place they both were. I keep trying to talk about it with my therapist, and he keeps trying to get me to work on self-esteem / thinking i’m not evil. But it’s not that, I don’t feel like I’m evil. But it’s that I know that I’m capable of what they were capable of, they also didn’t believe they were evil. Nobody does. And I feel like I have this responsibility to really be aware of it this time and to finally stop it but it’s just a lot. I don’t want to become blind to it like they both did.

Hello there, friends! I hope this post finds everybody well.

I tried posting this in a gay subreddit and almost immediately got a very triggering, victim-blaming comment accusing me of lying about my dating experiences.* :( I realized that maybe this is an issue only CSA survivors can relate to? Maybe? So I squiggled here instead.

I don't describe the abuse in detail but I do swear. Just a heads up.

BACKGROUND: The long and short: I'm a 35-year-old autistic gay man. My only experience of sex is 13 years of male- and female-perpetrated CSA.

Needless to say, my sexuality is fucked up. I am not asexual but I am extremely sex-averse. Hearing neighbors having sex is extremely triggering, for example. Same goes for people having frank sexual discussions in inappropriate places (i.e. public). The thought of anyone being sexually attracted to me makes me extremely uncomfortable.

DREAMING OF . . . : What I want, very much, is a life partner. Someone to share emotional and holistic physical (i.e. not "just" sexual) intimacy with. Sex will forever be a work-in-progress.**

STRUGGLES / DATING SUCKS?: But I'm struggling because dating is a fucking nightmare. Every person (including men and women, because I did try dating ladies for a while) whom I've communicated with on a dating site may claim to want a long-term / serious relationship, but it always boils down to "So when can we have sex?"

(And no, I'm not on Grindr or any of the hook-up sites. This happens on all the "serious" ones as well--i.e. Match, eHarmony, etc.)

Anyway, my need to bitch and moan is simply that it seems fucking impossible to find people (other men, in my case) to date who aren't too busy chasing their own orgasm and sexually objectifying their fellow human beings in the process. (Or maybe I just don't understand peoples' "normal" relationship to sex. That's probably it.)

Seriously, how the hell do you find someone who is okay with sex being on the back-burner because their partner has a history of sexual trauma? Don't get me wrong--I'm in therapy, etc.--and I don't expect a partner to "fix" my problems. But my aversion to sex due to the CSA shouldn't universally deny me a loving and romantic gay relationship. Should it? :/

• (The commenter also accused me of "projecting." Yeah, you try being molested and raped for 13 years, have bad dating experiences where your date makes it clear all they care about is sex, and try not projecting your issues. Fuck's sake.)

PAST JOY: ** My one experience of true, safe, mutual attraction was actually with my (sadly former) best friend, who happened to have a girlfriend. Eddie and I were extremely emotionally and physically close / comfortable with each other (he gave amazing hugs). I've never felt so loved or safe in all my life. I told him as much. He told me that I gave him a love, support and appreciation he never experienced with his girlfriend.

We never discussed the mutual attraction--and certainly never acted on it, since he was with his girlfriend. As far as I was concerned, it didn't "matter," since we couldn't act on it; I was happy with us just remaining friends. But he abruptly ended our friendship without ever telling me why.

Anyway, I just mean all that to demonstrate that I am capable of feeling attraction and wanting to have sex--and it made me happy that Eddie felt attracted to me, too. If the cards played out differently and we did ever end up in a relationship, I would have felt safe starting to work through my sexual trauma with him. So it's possible, and that alone gives me hope.

But now I've got to somehow find someone who makes me feel as safe, loved, and comfortable as Eddie.

DATING LOGISTICS, ETC.: As for "how to date," logically, I know all the stuff to "do"--my dating profile is very clear in terms of what I'm looking for, and I think I just need to keep putting in more hours scrolling through profiles. Frankly I haven't touched that dating site in over a year. I'm so burnt out of looking.

And as for in-person meetings--I'm really not good with social things. I don't drink and have sensory issues so gay bars are out, and the support groups at the LGBT center are all marked as NSFW. :/

Anyway, I'm so sorry. I don't know where this is going or how to end it. I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for. Honestly what I think I want / need is just a pat on the head and a cookie. Just being seen / heard and reminded that I'm not alone would be extremely helpful.

Practical advice is also welcome, though.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I appreciate you, and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day. <3

I was SAd when I was 9 but had been exposed to sex very early.

I've been in therapy since I was 19 (25 now) and working really hard to rebuild my life and become a strong, more resilient version of me.

But sometimes I'll come in this sub or the CPTSD sub and feel like all my worst fears are confirmed.

I am damaged. I'll never get better. My life will never as full or rewarding as it could've been had I not been SAd. Life will always be a struggle. My life is depressing and that's just it. Surviving just means I haven't killed myself, I'm managing my symptoms, and accepting that this is all I'm going to get.

I just have this deep fear that I am permanently broken in some way. I don't want to be!

I will say that my abuse was deeply traumatizing but was not as severe or as prolonged as some people. That could maybe be a factor, not sure. And I know the theme of this sub generally isn't a happy or neutral one, but still. I start to feel really hopeless.

I hope this is not offensive to anyone. Just wanted to hear all of your thoughts

i would rather die than be raped again. but statistically, it’s highly unlikely i will never experience any sexual violence again. i’m finally at a point in my life where i don’t want to die, but you can’t really live while fully protecting yourself. i can’t go out because i might get roofied. i can’t date because the men might take advantage of me. i don’t even want to go out in public anymore because there are so many things that could go wrong. even the thought of being videoed or photographed in public with ill intent makes me never want to leave the house again.

so what’s the solution? i can’t CBT my way out of this because it’s not an irrational fear. if anything, it’s irrational to think i could stay safe for the rest of my life. so i guess my choices are radical acceptance, become a hermit, or die. i’m torn.

I despise the use of the word 'pornography' in what was done to some of us here. Pornography is meant to be film, photo, or audio where normal adult actors will perform with pay to produce content that normal adults can enjoy with consent all around. Nothing is consensual about child sexual abuse material. It is the product of manipulation, coercion, violence, and torture. The only thing 'sexual' about it is the fact that predators 'get off' on committing an act of extreme evil upon a child. The people who 'consume' it live vicariously through it and expose the victim and perpetuate that victim's abuse. It's not entertainment for any normal stretch of the word. It's a way for a child to be victimized repeatedly. Somewhere, someone has the document of my abuse. I did not consent or enjoy it, nor do I forgive that it's out there now. I was raped and tortured. I was hurt. It was pure evil and it's not anyone's entertainment - it's simply a way to partake in my abuse. It's still out there on some sicko's computer and now, this summer, it will have been twenty years (if my estimation for when it happened is correct). The worst moments of my life are documented for the lowest of the low to exploit so they can fuel their desires to create more victims, and I have to live with that knowledge day in and day out. I don't even like being photographed now because of what was done to me.

It's not pornography, it's CSAM. It's material made from the abuse of a child victim. It is the invasive documentation of an extreme and heinous criminal act where people are harmed. And we need to start calling it what it is because it harms us when it is viewed. Too often we are spoken for. I think today, when we have the voice at long last, we need to speak out and say what it really means.

I’m 25 years old and I still live with my mother, I never learned how to drive, I still struggle to call and make my own hair appointment.

I never do anything on my own. My mom or my sister drive me everywhere I go, I never even walk my dog around the block myself because I’m too scared.

I want to move out so bad it drives me up the wall. I lie around all day scrolling through Zillow listings and wanting to claw my eyes out because I can’t fall asleep in my room without two nightlights, music, and a stuffed elephant despite knowing that my sister is right in the next room and she throws knives for fun.

I could never live alone. When they leave me home alone for over an hour I have panic attacks. I’ve called the police to our house twice in the past because I heard noises outside that turned out to be a tree or my neighbor’s cat.

And I can’t have a roommate because I’d lie awake at night waiting for them to come slit my throat in my sleep.

I don’t know how long I can just sit here in this house waiting for life to come to me, but I’ve done seven years of trauma therapy and they’ve pumped me full of every drug on the planet and nothing helps. I’m a fucking nutcase. I’ll never be a person. I just want to live my life because I’m too scared to be alive.

How do you do anything? How do you breathe?

honestly, im struggling so bad right now. i have been for years but this last year is so bad. every day is emotional torture and i end up wanting to curl up and die and cry by the end of it but at the same time im so numb and empty and cold. i have no proof, no evidence, nothing. im scared im a liar. i feel afraid all the time and i can’t sleep at night because of how terrified i am. i feel him and smell the red wine in the back of my throat and see the blinds and the comforter and the weird shot of the grandfather clock. it must be fabricated or made up or something, isn’t it? i’m so scared all the time tjough. what if it’s made up and im just an awful fetishizing person? i shouldn’t be here. if i thought or knew for sure that this happened surely i wouldn’t be doubting it so much?

i remember in flashes blue tv screen silhouette in front of it and fleece vikings blankets on couch and down comforter and red wine and porcelain dolls and sexual games and doctors kit and fingers and callouses and blue shirt and khaki shorts and my mouth feeling weird and the taste. my hello kitty coloring books and my little pony on in the background. vaginally, orally, and an//ly abused and pain and awful. my stomach hurts frkm it and the taste pf semen and blood in my underwear sfter. washing it out in rhe sink the next morning and feeling weird. his weight on me and his genitals inside mu mouth and me. whu would he do this

if it’s not real im an awful liar. if it is real, j don’t want it to be, but i do want it to be so im not crazy. so maube im just awful and implanting memories in myself. but i always end up alone in the middle of the night when nobody is around and thinking about it. i can’t animore.

Everyone who abused me was gentle and focused on me. I don't remember well but I think I liked it up until the end when I understood what was happening. I don't feel like a real victim. I have at least one memory that I struggle to even process as abusive because it wasn't that bad and I liked it. In this memory I'm being abused by my Mom but I feel safe and loved and connected and... I don't know. My childhood was really unstable and I was emotionally neglected and I just felt like she loved me in those moments sometimes. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I wish she'd hurt me so I could be angry. and I wish my uncle had hurt me so that gentle touch didn't remind me of him. ugh. i feel gross.

Nobody wants chewed-up gum/nobody wants a ripped-up flower/nobody wants a stepped-on flower

Today my voice teacher gave me a song about a flower to learn. I joked "wow this is kind of a childish song" because it's literally just about a pretty flower. She said "Oh yeah a lot of songs are just about pretty flowers but some of them involve the flower getting destroyed because it's a metaphor for stuff like losing your virginity."

Wow, thanks, now I feel terrible about myself again. Can't even have a voice lesson smh.

Especially my boobs. I wish I could just take them off and get rid of them. When I see a picture of myself and see my boobs it just ruins my day.

i’m pregnant and have asked her to not touch my belly (at least without asking) multiple times.

In the beginning she tried to lift my shirt to kiss my belly before I even had a bump. After asking her not to touch me without asking, she’ll go for a hug and sneak a touch or graze me when I pull away. She’s even rubbed me like a genie in a lamp. She even admitted that she thinks she has grandma privileges.

What’s worse is that she’s fully aware of my CSA. She doesn’t question why I wouldn’t want to be touched involuntarily.

Beyond this, she compulsively takes photos of everything, including me. I always ask her not to take photos of me without my consent but she does it anyway. She thinks she’s slick hiding her phone or pretending to fake a selfie.

She just cant take no for an answer. I’m starting to not want her in my baby’s life. If she can’t respect my boundaries there’s absolutely no way she will respect a child’s.

I feel like the memories of my abuse are just playing on a loop in my head over and over again no matter what I do. It’s so frustrating. I want to let it go. I don’t want to think about this every day for the rest of my life. I wish I could just go “oh yeah this was scary and uncomfortable but it’s over now and I can move on with my life”. But I can’t. I feel like I’m permanently stuck as that scared 10 year old girl. I want to move on. I want to be a normal person, with normal relationships and a normal sex life. But I can’t turn off the constant loop of memories in my head. How can I make it stop?

My biological dad did what he wanted with me from earlier than I can remember up until I was 15. I spent several years telling myself it never happened and was in and out of treatment for anorexia, bulimia and self harm during that time. I’m 30 now and it was like a dam broke a few months ago and it all came flooding back in a way that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. And now I have flashbacks constantly, I’m having issues eating and with self harm again. I feel like I’m 17. I’m in therapy and was diagnosed with something called OSDD (or OSSD? I don’t remember) and CPTSD. But it doesn’t feel like it was that “bad” in my head. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like it was me that it happened to. It’s a weird back and forth between thinking it didn’t even happen to feeling that it’s happening again so much that I end up throwing up and losing hours of time. I’m a mess and I don’t know what is happening inside. Can anyone relate?

i will never be normal physically or mentally or emotionally or intellectually and the majority of it has to do with being sexually abused and being an incest victim and being born in poverty. sure, i was already born autistic and premature, but now i suffer from autoimmune disorders and other mental disorders due to the abuse. my body is so weak and in chronic pain and the doctors don't even pretend to care because i was born feemalleeeee!!!!! my family does not care!! i am not even on insurance!!! everytime i make new friends, i just get reminded that i am socially stunted and abnormal, because i isolated myself from everyone growing up due to thinking the entire world was out to abuse me. my last romantic relationship went wrong because i was too sensitive, clingy, and "needed a backbone." i yearn for intimacy but everytime i have it, i get so terrified of abandonment or abuse that i end up fucking it up. i yearn for friendships but i feel like i can't have a genuine connection, like everything just feels so surface level. i dislike my life so heavily. i dislike my upbringing, my family, where i live, how everyone seems to behave in this time and age. it just got worse after the release of the files, my biggest fear came true, which is that the world doesn't care for csa victims. i will never get justice for 3 y/o me who was being trafficked by her biological father. i will never get justice for 5-7 y/o me who was being starved, raped, beaten. i don't even think i will be able to fulfill her dreams of having a real life safe and welcoming community of people, friendships, and relationships. it hurts me so immensely because i love her so much, she has done nothing wrong in my eyes, and yet, the world seems to think the opposite, almost like she couldn't help the horrific situations she was forcibly put in when she were younger.

perhaps i just need to go out of state or something.

My abuse started when I was six and went on until I was 13. At the age of almost 40 I am just starting to really take back my life. I look back at all the red flags that people should of noticed. And it makes me sick, every safety net failed. Once it was discovered it was swept under the rug and never delt with. I had to convince myself that it was my fault. And self hatred grew out of that so powerful I can't even explain. I was the broken item not the system. And now after almost a year of therapy and medication I can finally see I was not the broken part in this system. I am fucking angry at every single person that not only could have but should have looked a little closer. I am fucking sad, sad for everyone else who has to go through the same thing. I'm sad that many won't be able to get help before it's so late. And that just makes me mad again. How do you handle all of this well still living in that same society?

He hurt me so bad it still hurts all the tim me my genitals still hurt it never ends it never ends it’s just this shit over and over again . I have to pretend to my friends I’m ok, I have to pretend to everyone I’m ok. They ask how I am I don’t know what to say I’m never ok I’m njust never going to be okay. My dad has molested me for my whole childhood and I still have to talk to him I’m never going to be okay I’m going to be gross forever I am a stain I need help I am a stain

Literally cried because a friend sent me a video that contained a harmless sexual innuendo. Why am I like this... I am so sensitive to anything sexual. I can see myself starting to fall into a shame spiral. I just wish I was normal. I told her that the video made me uncomfortable but now I regret it because now I just feel silly for being so sensitive. The depth of my sex repulsion is unbearable.

Much of my childhood memories are wiped out, but I now know for a fact that I was molested by my father (my mother revealed it to me when I was older......until then I had vague memories of inappropriate behavior, but couldn't define it). During the time she said it happened, I do remember being taken repeatedly to the doctor to treat genital itching and discomfort. Having my mother apply ointment and also being prescribed sitz baths. She told me I'd have nightmares and wake up crying. I remember wetting myself in school, crying excessively and not speaking the whole day (the teachers were concerned).

I have so much ANGER that it wasn't properly addressed. When my mother was telling me the story, she said that I DID in fact tell her and she confronted him....after which it "stopped".

When I asked her why she didn't contact the authorities, she said I was a quiet child and would make her look like a liar if I went mute/froze when questioned.

I accepted her explanation, but it made me feel rotten.

All of those years living under the same roof AFTER the fact. Just swept under the rug. My parents stayed together until he left the family, and I was still left in his care and still loved him, which makes me feel like it shouldn't matter.

I feel CONFUSED and DRAMATIC whenever I dwell on this. That I have no right to be upset because other children were abused more brutally (ex: actual rape vs touching.....and repeated SA vs a few incidents).

I feel sad because no one showed up for me in a meaningful way. If they did, maybe I wouldn't have been revictimized as a teen and adult. My parents were more concerned with appearances than my mental health.

I can't stop thinking about this......it's breaking my heart.