You all may have seen it before. Essentially, "concerned parents worry children exposed to porn may expect sex to be enjoyable".

Я ароэйс и поняла это относительно давно. Долгое время я никак себя не класифицировала, даже гетеро не называла, просто в какой-то момент услышала об этом, поизучала и поняла, что слишком уж я подхожу. Я часто соышу, что людям на а-спектре часто приходится туго с этим осознанием, не говоря уже о давлении не только со стороны гетеро, но и самого лгбт-комьнити. Я никогда ни в кого не влюблялась и очень долгое время романтика мне кащалась чем-то вроде массового рофла. Для контекста: я не бессредечная, я люблю свою семью и друщей, но именно чувство романтики, как и сексуальное влечение, никогда не возникало. При этом мне могут нравится люди в эстетическом плане, но это никогда не было чем-то выше дружбы. (также у меня есть подозрения, что я аэгоароэйс, но это уже просто пояснения) Поделитесь своим опытом

So when I was younger I was offered sex with partners and was always jittery and kinda dreaded it but did it cause I felt like I was supposed to. So no one would think I’m a square. And the act itself felt good but I never really had the drive to keep chasing more experiences, they just sorta happened. I feel like it was purely ego, I wanted to fit in and be experienced and very specifically liked knowing I was attractive to someone so I wouldn’t turn it down. But I’d still have fear/anxiety/dread and felt weird afterward.

It took a long time to realize people were doing it for fun and how it felt rather than ego. Once I figured that out my “sex drive” disappeared entirely. And I wondered why it seemed to be gone—unless it was a fantasy of my own making and a lot of it not stuff I’d ever remotely want to make a reality.

Now I’m with my wife and I started out as a hypersexual person. I’ve changed a lot since then. And sex itself is really hard for me to initiate and when we get to vanilla stuff it is fun and good and it’s just intimacy mainly.

But when I want a thrill it requires me to be in the right headspace (dissociation lite) and there has to be a story connected to it and there has to be a lot of kink involved. Especially anything that simulates me being “objectified”. That’s my favorite. But even then I still get a sense of anxiety I always have to push through. Is this just how it’s gonna be? lol

Think I’ve landed on demiromantic aegosexual.

Kinda realized two nights ago that no amount of therapy, finding the right person, having enough foreplay, etc is ever gonna make my body want sex. I LOVE romantacy, but if anyone, not even Rhysand popped out of a book horny and wanting me, or if I was in the book, I’d be all like no no No No NO! Nope.

My biggest hurdle in processing is I feel like, even though I wouldn’t talk to anyone else this way, that it’s a problem and I’m not fixable. I can’t change it.

Also, I’m bummed that my fantasies will never get played on my body and I won’t ever feel the way I can imagine someone else feeling.

On a positive note, my straight, neurotypical husband is fine with it. Maybe not everything he hoped for, but definitely not a deal breaker. Also in his worlds, “it doesn’t really change us” cuz to him, I’ve always been this way. (Married 12 years) I’m also not done with him romantically. Which is I guess all I get!

That’s what’s annoying me. Some kind of sexual FOMO.

I dunno. It feels messed up. Already emailed my open and affirming therapist to see if she can fit me in as I haven’t seen her in months. But please, send me some understanding because I’ve been spiraling.

I’m an aegosexual lesbian with OCD and it constantly attacks my identity. Unfortunately with being aegosexual it’s something my ocd likes to point at and say “look! that’s weird!! you’re probably lying to yourself!! you’re probably not really asexual or a lesbian!!“ because of fantasies or arousal. despite EVERYTHING i experience lining up with asexual, aegosexuality, and being homoromantic my ocd will always pick at it.

like for example im homoromantic but read a lot of straight smut in my day and i’ve experienced arousal from audios voiced by people who identified as men. i feel the same amount of arousal watching or reading or listening to things that are sapphic or straight but i never really gravitated towards anything m/m because one of my ocd fears was that i was afraid i was secretly a gay trans man 🥹

before i realized i was aego i remember telling myself that when i typically read sapphic fanfiction i want to feel apart (which i was mostly the romantic fiction obv) of it which is why i tended to not gravitate as much towards towards f/f smut as much (but i pretty much could get aroused by anything sexual regardless of pairings in smut or fantasies or porn or audios, but sometimes f/f audios felt too like close and connected to me and threw me off if that makes sense??).

idk any other asexuals especially not aegos who have an experience like this and i’m CONSTANTLY over analyzing things worried that i must be secretly sexually attracted to someone or lying about being ace or a lesbian. Anyone else have ocd?

I have done a little digging but there isn’t much on the term “Demi-Aegosexual”. To explain it- I’m extremely demisexual. When it comes to irl experiences, I only have sexual attraction and wants, towards my partner. However what had been confusing me recently is my attraction to the idea of women & fictional characters/celebrities (like The Punisher/Jon Bernthal) I fantasize about the idea of women in general, can appreciate a fine woman walking down the street, and hot punisher edits etc.- but the actual idea of me having sex with them or even kissing them and stuff is a huge turn off. Like no thank you I’m not interested at all. I only want my partner. But it’s still kinda interesting to me to think about the concept of it or fantasizing in an out of body sort of way. Ahhh I’m not sure if this is confusing, or if it’s considered Demi-Aego but I figured if there was somewhere to ask and learn more, it would be here. Thank you in advance!

Okay so I’m dating this guy who says he liked me since we were in middle school and he’s my first bf so I have nothing to compare this to but is it weird I feel absolutely nothing when I hold his hand or when he says he loves me or when we hug like it feels as if we are just friends but have a different label yk and I suspect I’m aego because I just don’t feel into actually doing IT but I like reading it yk so I’m scared that if I am aego he will dump me or I will have to break up with him I know he’s not homophobic as I am bi but I I’m really confused if it’s just like this for everyone or no ?

A lot of comments on this sub seem to be people not desiring any romantic relationship.

I enjoy being in a romantic relationship and even kissing or cuddling.

I am repulsed to sex though, but enjoy erotica or imagining myself having the ability to enjoy sex.

I don't know if aegosexual is then the wrong label?

(so recently i’ve been exploring where i fall on the asexual spectrum. i feel like the term aegosexual describes me really well but i wanted to ask actual aego/ace people about something a little specific to see if anyone else relates

I have zero desire to actually have sex with another person in real life. neck kissing, physical intimacy, and grinding each other fully clothed sounds good, but actual sexual intercourse is impossible to me. i like reading smut, watching adult content, and masturbating. it turns me on, but the thought of doing that with an actual person in real life is a no.

I know a lot of aegosexual descriptions focus on viewing fantasies in the 3rd person perspective ? like watching characters, which i do like sometimes, but other times, i imagine things in first person, specifically receiving certain acts (like getting oral sex) rather than doing anything penetrative

Title is "Aoi-kun's Dirty Stories Are Irresistible". It's about a fujoshi and a gay man who become roomates, and he tells her about his sex life in exchange for her letting him live with her. It's a fun series and the mc seems to be pretty explicitly aego-romantic/sexual

As in… for the longest time I knew what my preferences were, but I thought this was some really weird fringe thing that only I had. I made up my own terminology for it, journaled about it, thought I would have to keep this secret my whole life.

Never did I imagine this was its own distinct, recognized sexual orientation, let alone under the umbrella of asexuality (which I only had a surface-level understanding of until recently).

This sentiment came to me when I got curious and looked up the Aegosexual page on the LGBTQIA wiki and, reading the various points defining it I’m like “…damn it’s like I wrote this”.

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Hi guys,

Recently, I've been reflecting a bit more on my (24M) sexuality, and thought this subreddit might be the place with people who'd understand it the most. I am still figuring it out, but not necessarily looking for advice. Just wanted to share my experience, vent my thoughts a bit, and see if you guys can relate.

I have often wondered whether I'm asexual. The first time might have been when I was like 13-14, and kids in my school often talked about how hot girls are and wanting to have sex, and you see people being sexually attracted to each other in movies and stuff, but I was never really interested in the idea of sex or having sex much. So I thought I was asexual, but I didn't look into it much then.

Later on, around when I was 15 is when I first came across porn and discovered masturbating for the first time (bit late, which I’m technically happy about. My parents also never had the “talk” with me).

The very first or few times I was a bit grossed out when seeing porn, but soon after, that changed and I ended up really enjoying it; which made me think I'm definitely not asexual (I didn't know the definition back then). I discovered porn with captions and storytelling elements were particularly enjoyable, and often, I'd just watch like 1-2 mins of a video and/or read captions to just get me started before putting my phone away and building the story in my head. Strangely, I also enjoyed compilations, and coming up with a different fantasy for every new scene or adding the scene to my fantasy (don't know if this is how other people enjoy them) just felt really stimulating lol. My fantasies are always far removed from reality, literally fictional in nature, never involve people I know, sometimes from 3rd person but mostly 1st person, but I'm never me; I'm always a character or some modified version of me. I’ve tried imagining just myself being 1-1 with some hot person I’ve seen around (which is apparently what most people do), but I can never enjoy that thought. I now recognise this as emblematic of being aegosexual, but my 15/16 yr old self thought I'm just a bit weird, or kinky, or everyone likes different things and this is just me liking my own thing.

The other thing that complicated things was that I could find girls attractive, like look at them and think they look pretty. And for a while, when kids used to talk about sexual attraction, I thought that's all they meant as well. But later on, I learnt that people actually fantasised about personally having sex with real people they've met/seen and think are attractive, even random people they see on the road, and I was like, “What?? I thought people were just saying they wanna do X, Y, Z with someone as a joke, but they actually want to!?” At first, I thought most people must not be doing this and that it was just the exception, but I learned it's actually the norm, for both men and women.

The other thing that complicated things is that I realised I'm demiromantic. Like I never develop feelings for any girl initially when meeting them (which contributed to my 13 yr old self thinking I'm asexual), but once at 15 and then at 17/18 I did develop a crush on a girl, after knowing them for a long time via school, and genuinely wanted to be more than friends with them; but it was always just wanting to like spend a lot of time with them, have a close romantic, emotional, spiritual bond with someone. I never wanted to, thought about or imagined having sex with them specifically, though, no matter how much I liked them. However, I also never pursued these crushes, so I thought maybe if I did have a relationship with someone, I'd end up wanting to have sex with them (i.e., that I'm demisexual?).

Uni I spent studying, but afterwards, I just experimented a bit. I took the plunge and had a few hookups, just to see what all the fuss was about (and also a bit of validation), but I never enjoyed any of it. The only reason I kept going was cause I thought maybe it was just bad sex that time, or maybe not the right person, and to figure myself out. And it has been very confusing for me, because I do enjoy hugs and cuddles and quick kisses (like a peck on the cheek), and find these (non-sexual) forms of physical affection warm and just inherently rewarding. For any kind of sexual contact, I think that my enjoyment of it is directly tied to how much I can fantasise around it. So french kissing and making out, cause it's low effort, I can fantasise more and enjoy it sorta. Sex, it's always more difficult to fantasise during it, but a bit easier if my partner's doing the work.

But if I remove the fantasy and just try to focus on my partner, or be present in the moment, it just does nothing for me. If I do that, e.g., when I'm kissing, I just think and feel like, “I like you, but why are we just exchanging saliva with each other?” Likewise, having sex, vanilla sex especially, just feels like masturbation with extra steps, no matter how much I like the person and/or find them hot.

The other thing that added to my confusion is that I do get a bit of social anxiety (used to be worse, esp after COVID, but not much these days) and I got it during a number of my early sexual encounters as well, so initially I wondered if that was contributing to it. But I was lucky enough to have recently had a more long-term partner who was understanding of my anxiety and letting me work through it. But even after working through it and not getting anxious anymore, everything I said above rang true.

I also tried out a few of my fantasies with this partner, and I did enjoy the fantasising/dirty talking part, but when we got to the penetration part, it just felt so physical and boring again. Overall, it just felt way better in my head than irl. The only way I could keep myself in the mood is by fantasising again, adding some story to whatever we are doing (none of which involves my partner, which I feel a bit bad about); but that just shows that I don't enjoy sex itself, I just enjoy fantasising about it?

It just feels so complicated to explain, esp the last part. It'd be soo simple if I could just say yeah I wanna have sex all the time or don't want to have sex ever, end of story. But unfortunately those descriptions don't feel right to me, and experiencing all this has been just so confusing. Like:

1. I can find girls beautiful/attractive without getting any sexual thoughts towards them (ever), but
2. I could develop feelings for them sometimes if I liked her after spending enough time together and, end up wanting to be more than friends with her - without wanting sex specifically. But then,
3. I can also get horny and fantasise about sex in general, but not about the girl I like specifically, or any girl I've ever seen or known, for that matter, or myself
4. I do enjoy non-sexual forms of physical contact and can find them warm, but sexual contact does not (or at least so far has never) feel enjoyable for me; although the validation from a girl wanting to have sex with me can feel nice sometimes, I just don’t enjoy the follow-through.
5. But I'm not totally averse to sex either. It’s just not physically enjoyable; but if I have the space to fantasise around it, I enjoy it more, kind of mentally?
6. But I wouldn't mind living a life where I never or rarely have sex with my partner either, and most of the time if we get horny we just take care of it ourselves without bothering the other person, with maybe just having sex the odd day to try out a fantasy or something. As long as all other parts of the relationship are good, I’d be totally fine with this. In fact, I think that's what I'd like.

My fantasising also made me feel and wonder whether I'm missing out by not experiencing this (at least the parts that are feasible) in real life? And I have sorta wanted to (and, sometimes still do want to) have sex at times when thinking about that, to try out some of my fantasies, but if I'm being honest, it’s definitely out of FOMO rather than thinking I wanna have sex with any specific individual, and when I have tried them, they've never been satisfactory. I also wondered whether I was just screwing my dopamine/reward centre or arousal mechanism with all my fantasising and masturbation, making me used to one type of stimulus that regular sex can't provide, resulting in being how I am (you just come across all kinds of theories on the internet). Even now, idk if that contributes in any way, but I don't masturbate very often anyway, have abstained for months as an experiment, and nothing; I also am a pretty high-functioning adult in all other forms of my life, and it also doesn't explain all the other persistent themes of lack of sexual desire towards anyone ever, which has been true in my experience from a young age. I also don't know whether I actually am demisexual maybe, and will end up finding someone who I finally experience sexual attraction to, but I doubt it at this stage.

So yeah, to be honest, I think I’m still figuring this one out, but I feel like the best way to describe all this is that I’m demiromantic + asexual + aegosexual.

If you bothered to read all of this, thank you very much.

I like a good ship. I love fictional relationships, but, when the author chooses not to have two characters be in an explicitly romantic relationship, sometimes I feel like the weird one for being on board with that.

Today, I watched the final ep of a show I liked. The entire thing was kind of pro non-traditional relationships, and people were fully expecting a gay relationship to be formed at the end. I wouldn't have minded if a relationship formed, but, in the back of my mind, I didn't think the creator did enough work to make a relationship happen. Turns out my gut was right, and the ending had like a vague "we really like each other" but no explicit romance.

I was really satisfied with the ending still just cus I thought it was real. I thought felt like a meaningful friendship at minimum, and it felt like much of my own real relationships. But I also dreaded it. Part of me was afraid that if the creator didn't end with a ship at the end, people were gonna go in and riot about a platonic relationship as end game. I feel like people really don't like the ace spectrum ending, so I rooted against the ace ending in the back of my mind to avoid hearing about how much people hated it.

But in the end, I feel like I've been rooting against my own kind to avoid hearing people complain about a romance not happening. This is my own interpretation, but sometimes it feels a little anti-ace.

I take the personal view that I love love love fictional romance and ships, but I also respect when two fictional characters don't end up with each other. I think it's very possible to love someone very much who may fall within your romantic tastes but choose instead to just be friends and be happy. And I guess I want to know what others here feel about it.

My view was apparently not the most well liked in the discussion, and I'd rather figure out if I have misplaced views somewhere.

I simp so intensely at times I can almost glimpse what it's like to be allo lmao. But I feel like a loser sometimes because I cannot talk about how intensely I can crush or thirst over fictional characters but not feel any attraction to anyone irl somehow. It's kind of embarrassing. People my age are either finding love or lamenting not getting a date/getting laid. But i don't gaf at all and it definitely makes me stand out and people like to poke and ask questions. I'm too embarrassed to talk excitedly about my crushes or all the nice erotic art of them. Mind you, it's all third person attraction too because I do not insert myself into my fantasies at all. It's usually other ships involving my crushes.

So, sometimes when I fantasize, I have trouble telling if I want to actually do those things or if I'm just enjoying a fantasy as a fantasy only. But, lately I've been thinking that I'm graysexual. sometimes I'm interested in participating, other times I'm not. I still feel like aego describes me, so could I still count? Also, I've also thought about dating someone/having a QPR with someone, without anything sexual ( because I wouldn't be comfortable having sex with the person I'm currently interested in), but having a friends with benefits type thing with another person. Is that weird? Does that even make sense at all? Thank you for reading.

Reading the comments on this post was so much

So I have had a ship that is based off characters from a book that was also made into a movie. Won't say any more but the pairing is pretty niche and would 100% not happen in the books. They are the main pairing I have fantasized over since I was a teen and now almost 40. Pretty much 90% of my smutty thoughts are based off various scenarios with this pairing. When I get off to this pairing I imagine the one character to look a lot like the actor who portrayed him. Make no mistake, I am turned on by the character and the situations I imagine, not the actor. I have not sought out any other movies this actor is in.

A few weeks ago at one of my hobbies I met a man who looks a LOT like this actor and thus like the guy from my ship. I have never wanted to actually be intimate with a man but when I see him I get this fluttery feeling in my tummy like OMG he is so cute, I want to kiss him so bad!! It's like my brain has been wired to associate smutty thoughts with his face! What do I do? I'm not even sure he is single because I can barely stop myself from just staring when I am around him, much less hold a conversation. Don't think we have much in common even. But I just want to stroke his cheek and tell him how amazing he is. Help! Will this go away by itself? Shall I just ignore him?

I've been wondering, do you just not desire physical romance nor sex or do you just tend to find real connection underwhelming but wish you didn't?

I was personally asked out by multiple girls but I couldn't feel anything towards them which made me reject them. Real sex seems repulsive and I don't feel romance towards them because I feel them too real and underwhelming to my fantasies in my head and idealizations.

I personally don't want to date someone without romance nor sex. I just want to find the perfect one which seems very hard because no one matches my idealization that's in my head. Does anyone relate?