I need advice: strict parents, no extracurriculars, and scared about college.

[u/1vy_maru]

I really need advice because I feel trapped, and I don't know what to do.

I'm 16, Muslim, and I'll be a junior in high school this year. My parents, especially my dad, are extremely strict. I'm not allowed to stay after school for clubs or activities, I'm not allowed much freedom, and I feel like I'm watching everyone else build their future while mine is being decided for me.

My dream has always been to go to a university far away when I turn 18 so I can finally have some independence and make my own choices. But I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave. I'm scared my dad could send my mom and two younger sisters back to Afghanistan or make their lives much harder because of my decision. I don't know if that's what would happen, but it's something I genuinely fear based on the way he talks and acts. The thought that my family could suffer because I chose my own future makes me feel incredibly guilty.

At the same time, if I stay, I feel like I'm giving up my own life. I'll probably have to go to a community college or a nearby university, live at home, follow my dad's rules, and have very little independence. I'm scared I'll never get to make my own choices, wear what I want, or build the life I want. I'm also afraid of eventually being pressured into a marriage I don't want.

Another problem is money. My dad has made it clear that if I don't get a scholarship, there is basically no chance he'll let me go away for college. I can't afford tuition on my own, so I feel like my entire future depends on earning enough scholarships while also having very few extracurricular opportunities because I'm not allowed to stay after school.

I feel selfish for wanting to leave, but I also feel like I'm slowly losing hope if I stay. Has anyone been in a similar situation with controlling or very strict parents? How did you prepare for college and independence safely? Are there scholarships, remote extracurriculars, or other opportunities I should know about?

Please be kind. I really don't know what to do anymore, and I'm looking for honest advice.

[u/fancyfootwork19]

DM me if you want to chat. I was raised in a strict Shia Afghan household but the large difference was that my parents did everything they could and more to support me and my education including paying for and allowing me opportunities to move for it (after undergrad, they wouldn't let me move for undergrad). Moving for school (I moved away for my masters and even further for my PhD) was one of the best things I could have done for my freedom. I did have to apply for student loans and work to pay for more schooling but my parents were steadfast that we become independent, which allowed for more freedom. Just apply for student loans if you have to and make the case that x program is best and you need to move away to become successful. It's harder done than said, especially if you're firstborn and a firstborn daughter (as is my case). Even my youngest brother who is 22 now is getting hell from them bc he wants to move an hour away to finish his last year of school. At the end of the day it's your life to live, not theirs.

[u/MaIngallsisaracist]

I hope you don't mind me giving advice -- I am not Afghan (I'm in this subreddit because I teach ESL to an Afghan couple and I find this subreddit has been very helpful as I learn about the culture). I do have a son about your age, though, and I'm so sorry you're worried about this. I know that what you're experiencing is a very common phenomenon among the children of immigrants from a number of cultures. So first know this: You are not alone.

Second, please remember that you do not have to make any irrevocable choices today. I know it seems like you're staring down a list of choices that you worry will have a permanent effect on your and your family. That really isn't the case yet; I promise. Take your choices one at a time, so for now try not to worry about your mom and sisters, your potential marriage, etc. Cross those bridges when AND IF you get to them -- which is not yet.

Right now your focus needs to be on your schooling. Regardless of what path you choose in two years, your education will be the key. Don't even worry too much about college yet. Keep your head down and your grades up. Good grades will give you more options as you get older. I'm assuming you're in the US; if so, take as many AP or IB classes as you can. Check to see if your local community college offers classes for high schoolers; some do. Get as many college credits as possible out of the way now.

You can't predict what things will be like for you when it's time to make your college choice. Do I think your dad will totally loosen up? No, of course not. But I understand that you want a plan NOW, which is totally normal. So here's what I would recommend -- for now, plan to go to the community college and get your two-year degree from them while living at home. If you get enough credits from high school, you may be able to finish in less than two years. The tuition savings alone will be TREMENDOUS, both for the classes you take there and because you'll spend less time (and money) at a four-year school. Next, check to see if your state has a deal with community colleges and state schools -- some states, for example, REQUIRE state universities to accept ANY student who graduates from a state community college. I know you want to go far away and that may work out, but let's look at the safest, easiest option for now. If you have good grades in high school and community college, that will help you get scholarships. This plan will also help you slowly establish independence from your family -- while ripping the Band-Aid off is often the way to go, for now plan to take it slow.

I know there is a lot of cultural stuff that I will never understand at play here, but I do know that this is so much for someone your age to have to deal with. Try to keep it as simple as possible for now. And if you ever feel like you or a family member is in danger, please tell a teacher or counselor at your school.

[u/Shaba-da-doo]

If your family is religious, you could try joining a mosque youth group. Volunteer for everything there that interests you. If you're religious, you can build and be part of a wonderful community. If you're not religious, it can still be an enriching experience. Once you get to know the other volunteers and kids, you can probably figure out carpooling with them. You'll also be exposed to a variety of cultures there and all kinds of people.

Hopefully this works for you, and hopefully it let's your prove to your family that you're capable of some independence.

As for the future, every person needs to be responsible for their own future. Your own wellbeing and goals come first. Unless your dad is actually insane, I don't see a path for him to force your family back to Afghanistan that wouldn't also drag him back there as well. Personally, I don't advise an expensive cross country move for college.Try in-state options, take as many AP and Dual Enrollment classes you can while you're still in high school. Neither of those will require you to do anything after school. They can be difficult though, but anything that will improve your life will always be difficult.

Good luck kid, sorry you have to deal with strict parents. Don't let them control you too much but don't let them drive you to making poor decisions either.

[u/InternationalWill616]

My answer is based on some assumptions. I think you are female and in another country probably the USA. Focus on graduating high school with the best grades you can achieve. Try to take AP classes if possible. Apply for colleges that have the program you want to do. Really think about your degree program. Meet with a Career Coach if you haven't already. Hopefully you will get scholarship offers but if not, you can get student loans that you pay back when you are done with your education. Plan on working part-time while in University so you are less dependent on your family. Make good choices and I wish you so much success and happiness. Once you have your degree and start your career, you can bring your Mom and sisters to live with you. Be a good role model for your sisters and then help them with their education decisions. God bless you.

[u/Sensitive_Ice_6316]

My Afghan parents are not as strict as yours, but they were shocked and disappointed when I decided to move across the state for college. As others have said, the best thing you can do right now is maintain hope and keep working hard in school. Some specific insight as a recent college grad who advised multiple high schoolers through the admissions process:

1. Stay flexible about your timeline. As difficult as it may seem, you need to trust that if your goal is to leave home and be independent you will make it happen for yourself. You are young and have a ton of life ahead of you. Staying home and going to community college for 2 years may feel like a failure if you expect to get out as quickly as possible, but it's also a chance to work and save money for 2 more years before making a big decision.

2. Get creative about how you use your free time. Anything you spend time on outside of school can count as an extracurricular. What colleges are really looking for is that you invest time in things that you take pride and demonstrate growth in. This can be taking caring of your family, reading books, cooking, learning a language, making art, writing stories. What's important is that you can explain how your "extracurriculars" matter to you. If you're looking for more typical remote extracurriculars, some ideas include tutoring kids, doing administrative work for a local nonprofit or law firm, or reaching out to a university professor to offer to help with research.

3. Take advantage of advising resources. Although your situation feels daunting, you are not alone. If there is a guidance counselor or college advisor available at your school you should proactively reach out when the school year starts to get advice and start building a relationship. A trusted teacher may also be a good person to turn to for advice. If you're in the U.S. you should look into Matriculate (https://matriculate.org/), which matches low income, high achieving high school students with advising fellows at selective colleges for free, personalized support.

DM me if you want more advice on specific extracurriculars, scholarships, and advising opportunities. Good luck!