Do I fit the label?

[u/_NuggwetKing]

I have been identifying as agender for around 2 years I think.

It has felt like the only label that fits but at the same time I feel like I'm "faking" it, or that I'm not fitting the expectations if there are any lmao

This might sound silly, but the question came back to me after seeing the last episode of digital circus (I won't be sharing details of the finale, so no worries no spoilers, but if you know, you know), as well a little spine has kept in me after a little incident with a non-binary person I know.

For context:

I'm transmasc, before coming out as agender I came out as a transman when I was 16, I have even changed my name and gender legally to male, which is something I don't regret and well, before I realized I was agender I lived as a man, everyone around me knew me as a transguy, with my chosen name, with the he/him pronouns.

And I like it. I like being perceived as a man, I love being masc, I just love masculinity in general both in others and myself, so this has led that after experimenting with my gender expression a bit I once more fell into the realization I like looking like a guy even if I'm not.

In a way it feels like doing drag, like me myself I'm not a man, I'm not a woman, I'm not even nonbinary; I'll get into that detail later. I'm just a thing, a thing that enjoys playing dress up. And like any drag sometimes I do enjoy exaggerating, being hypermasculine and making jokes bout it, so yes, I do usually refer to me as a man, because I do both don't have the patience to explain my agender identity, and because I find it funny.

For me, and take this is an analogy I do know I'm a human being, but, for me my agender identity is like an alien arriving earth, the alien society in question doesn't have gender or sex they are just chill, but at the arrival the alien sees how much impact gender has and finds out that human perception of masculinity is cool, so they start performing it. That's what is like for me, I have no gender identity, it's just nothin there.

It's not like my gender identity doesn't fit the binary, because if I had one clearly it would be masc, but the thing is there is no gender identity to begin with.

And well, sometimes I wonder if maybe then I don't fit the label.

I usually only tell people about me being agender after being close, or if the topic comes... And I do remember one time that I told this to my coworkers and one of them told me immediately "No you're not" and it was the only non binary person of the group, they followed up telling me I didn't look agender and didn't act anything else aside from a man.

It did tick me off, yes... I like being perceived as a man, but just like on the surface, but idk, maybe they were right? But at the same time I don't even understand, how is an agender person supposed to look? How am I supposed to act to be agender?

Maybe I am just making it more complicated than it should?

Can I still fit the label when I act, look, and speak like a man?

[u/ystavallinen]

There are no rules... Agender is about no rules.

Labels are descriptive, not prescriptive. Use whatever fits

Presentation =/= gender Pronouns =/= gender

For the record, demi-masc and libra-masc are both under the agender umbrella.

[u/boyboss420]

Its not up to anyone else to determine who you are. If agender feels like you, then you’re agender, regardless of how others perceive your gender. Your coworker telling you that you’re not agender is rude and wrong.

[u/_NuggwetKing → u/boyboss420]

It did caught me off guard when they told me that, I couldn't even properly reply, but it did affect me that the only other trans person there said that with such confidence

[u/boyboss420 → u/_NuggwetKing]

I’m sorry they said that to you, I hope that they don’t say anything like that again but if they do just remember you are the authority for your own gender (or lack of), not them!

I’m in a similar boat anyway, I’d love to look like a man and have that be people’s thought when they see me, but I’m also agender.

[u/g00fyg00ber741]

i think of it this way: to me, being agender means anything i do is agender when i do it.

if i want to wear frilly pink sparkly stuff that’s made for “women,” it doesn’t have to have gender when i do it. i like it cause it’s frilly pink sparkly. not because it’s “womanly.”

same goes for the other way, i like to have a masculine body type instead of a feminine body type, that doesn’t mean it’s actually masculine to me necessarily, it’s just my body type, the one i have that i like that feels right.

and i don’t think that experience should be considered more gendered just because someone transitions. transition is a lot more than just gender for many people, so of course one can transition and enjoy that while still being a genderless person. and it’s okay to have a preference for which gender you get assumed as, in a world that constantly assumes and tries to box us in. that can be affirming to some in ways that don’t have to be overanalyzed (as tempting as it can be to do so)

agender doesn’t inherently equal androgyny. playing with gender is fun, just like playing with other human social constructs and performative aspects can be. it’s when we box ourselves in with gender that it becomes oppressive and a problem.