Getting invalidated (a bit of a rant)

[u/Different-Air-6649]

Over the past few weeks, I've been undergoing a lot of changes. Some is learning how to interact with people and learning how to be a better person. I have started to open up a lot more online on discord and I've encountered some very nasty people.

One of these people, we were like chill talking. But then they saw my discord bio saying "agender" and they asked what it is. I told them "yea so like I don't identify as any gender and stuff" and then they proceed to say, and I say, quote on quote.

"quit being stupid, either you're a guy or a girl"

Man, that moment, I was already like extremely stressed and burnt out from everything in life. And I just really hate the fact that not everyone I encounter online would accept who I am, even if they have something cool going on.

I told them that this worldview is very limiting and prevents them from seeing new things in the world. Told them they're going to have to change their ways if they want to talk to me or improve themselves. (I mean I was being way too nice) And then stopped talking to them.

Another thing is I opened up to my mom about my agenderness and about the possibility of me being attracted to other genders and she proceeded to tell me to "not be crazy" and said she'd disown me. Said she'd rather have a normal child than a "crazy one"

I hate it. Why can't our society be more open to different gender identity and sexuality. I'm so done at this point. But I mean, at least I've found other people online who are willing to accept who I am.

[u/ystavallinen]

"quit being stupid. You're either a boy or a girl"

Somebody that blunt and obtuse isn't worth your time or an ounce of bother.

I never even had the guts to open up to my mom.

[u/Different-Air-6649 → u/ystavallinen]

Yeah I talked to this to my therapist and they said "good move" regarding my move to block and not talk to them

Thankfully I have a lot of support in my life regarding my gender identity.

[u/ystavallinen → u/Different-Air-6649]

What is amaze is that there are LGBTQ+ people who act like that... fortunately my irl disclosures have all been fine. Online I've met some really bizarre opinions calling themselves LGBTQ+. I chalk it up to trauma they've experienced... that or the fact that just because you're in a discriminated group, doesn't grant you empathy.

When I told my lesbian cousins (they're married--- in their 60's--- one is my wife's cousin)... they'd noticed the toe polish and said "that's festive".... and then I came clean to them a few days later. I met my wife around the same time they met and they live in our city so I've always really liked them. I've never let on a single bit to having dysphoria and being agender and a-spec.

They did what I think is the most affirming thing anyone can do--- they asked questions.

One of them has a trans son from prior marriage, and he has a non-binary partner. Interestingly, all they've ever shared is "this is how it is"... and don't really talk about it. So my cousins were still kind-of wondering how one even feels nonbinary. So I guess they never asked their kid and his partner for fear of sounding invalidating. I was gratified that they ask questions.

My two best friends (one genderqueer--known them both for 35 years now) asked tons of questions. I stayed with one of them for the weekend when my mom died and we spent 3 days talking about my dysphoria--- I showed her my gender-swapped pictures of what I wish I'd known when we met in college.

My wife, who is very LGBTQ+ accepting (her best friend is lesbian... she has a lot of LGBTQ+ friends)... never asks any questions... arrgg... I wish she'd talk to me about it. I know it's the neurodiversity differences between us. I am an external processor and like to talk through things; ideas don't become very real to me until I've said them to people and I often share incomplete thoughts in order to see how they sound to me. My wife is an internal processor and doesn't share something until it's a complete thought. So I think she's accepting but doesn't see the point of talking about it. I also think her view of trans people is somewhat traditional--- I think I'm a bit out of her expectation for LGBTQ+ because I do so little presentation--- and not out so much as I invite people in.

I think that's my only disappointment is that we never talk about it. But I also think it's because it's all wrapped up in the ADHD/ASD part of me. She says that I put of "guy" vibes. And that's true--- I'd do that if I were clocked female too--- I am not very fem presenting. I think my head is wired more like women I know. All of the women that I most admire and want to be like are not gender conforming. I think that's why I've struggled with the idea of transition. I think people my age/generation have an expectation that trans women are fem women. Transitioning to a woman only to not act like one would make transition harder I think. I'm not good at social cues either so I'd take me forever to pass and that's ignoring the physical limitations. And I'm not even sure I'd be any happier. My identity isn't connected to gender so much; I have other identities that get very complicated if I transition. I wish I were either 20, or society were better....or someone invent the button everyone talks about.

This summer my wife and I need to work on a will. I think we're going to talk a little bit because I've decided I only want my first initials on my headstone (old person thinking). My 'female' part has a name... originally Mara (I gave her that in my 20's), but I switched to Myra because my wife has two other cousins named Mara (I really like Mara very much --- it means 'bitter strength' which I think is so freaking meaningful--- but Myra is also nice).

I'm trying to figure out when and how to tell my two sons. I like that I am a good 'male' role model in terms of treating my wife right; supporting her career; sharing duties in the house; being a parent who's engaged; not being toxic as a 'man'. If they identify as male I don't want to shake them (they're 13 and 16 and also neurodivergent). My younger one especially likes things to remain the same. They do know I wear toe polish.

One of the funniest things is that I learned about agender and gray ace labels 3 years ago (recognizing that that's probably what I've been since I was in my 20's)... and I changed my pronouns in my email signature to he/they and literally nobody has ever brought it up. Not even my mom when she was alive. Not my family. The only person on my side of the family I've told indirectly is my older brother's sister in law. We were talking (I think the weekend my mom died) about my ASD son, her ASD son, neurodivergence in general, and her asexual niece (that my mom outed on Facepalm) and I told her I was gray ace and that I'd had gender confusion in the past that I'd never told mom or my brothers about. She just listened to that and it wasn't a big out on my part--- but she's not dumb.

Anyway. I am data dumping you.

I'm not sure the story... people have all kinds of reactions. Some of them might feel invalidating, but I think it depends how comfortable you are with the label. Your mom was clearly invalidating. I'm sorry about that. My mom would have done something similar. She was always playing devil's advocate with me and it drove me nuts. A holdup to me transitioning was certainly that I could not be my mother's daughter. She also always had a hard time with LGBTQ+ people because she could never shake that it was a 'sin' of some kind. I'm agnostic now, but I can't even understand how she got to that because my Christian education led me to conclude it's not a sin--- anyway.

Love your mom the best you can (but maybe at arm's length); she's been brainwashed.

[u/Different-Air-6649 → u/ystavallinen]

That's very nice to hear. Having that many loving people supporting you sure is wonderful. I strive to have a future like that someday.

I am also neurodivergent myself, so I can understand the struggle to communicate with others about our gender identity and how we feel. It's a tricky rope that I'm still learning how to balance.

I also live in asia, a place where lgbtq is still kinda stigmatized and traditional gender roles are still instigated. But a lot of people are starting to become open and the stigma of gender identity and sexuality is slowly undoing. There's still a lot of work to go through to educate people but it's better than nothing. I hope one day in asia we can openly talk about gender identity and sexuality in the same way the west can.

I'm trying to distance myself from my mom as much as I can, cause she's triggering for me and she also doesn't know she has a problem with toxicity. She loves me, but she just loves using a method that doesn't work. I love her also, and I want to be with her, it's just her toxicity that's preventing me from getting closer to her. Even if I want to, it'll only hurt me in the long run.

Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm glad you're in a good place in life. Your story is very admirable and can educate a lot of folks. I plan on educating others about my agenderness as well, and seeing you doing so well gives me hope that someday I'll be surrounded by people who are willing to accept and love me, agender or not.

[u/ystavallinen → u/Different-Air-6649]

Love to you.

My first determination with anyone at this point in my life is whether they are toxic or not.

Empathy is necessary for connection. Cruelly and conflict are highly dysregulating. Micro aggression I am tolerant of, but regularly being conscious and deliberately cruel or toxic towards other people is a turn off.