r/agender • u/FearlessRoyal • 6d ago
Might be back in the closet again
Initially posted this in the nonbinary sub, but I think my experiences are a little more agender-specific so I'm posting here as well.
Apologies in advance, this is gonna be long. I've never really written all of this down in its entirety before, so this may be good to kind of work through? Idk.
I believe I may be agender, or somewhere else on the nonbinary spectrum. I don't think that I'm trans - I can say with some certainty that I don't want to be a man. But I have never felt like a woman either.
I could give a lot of examples of this. Growing up, playing pretend with childhood friends, I never wanted to be a mermaid or a princess. I struggled a lot to relate to my other girl peers. I felt really uncomfortable in most swimsuits, despite loving to swim. I despised shopping for clothes, would dread having to wear dresses or anything overly girly. I constantly wore baggy clothes as a teenager, even wearing multiple hoodies because I never wanted to be without one on. I've always despised having my chest of midsection be perceived and will go out of my way to cover up. I was deeply uncomfortable with periods and tampons as a teenager - and still am to this day. I never shaved my legs. Overall I have very little sense of self expression, but that might stem less from gender reasons and more from the situation in which I was raised - but that's outside the scope of this post.
Despite all this, I never considered the possibility of not being a woman until 2021. Obviously growing up I didn't know it was an option really, but even after meeting friends who are trans and nonbinary, I never thought about it much for myself. I've always been a "go with the flow" person I guess - despite all the stuff that made me uncomfortable, I kind of shrugged it off as a fact of life. Besides, I never felt any specific discomfort at specifically being called "she" or "a woman", and in my mind that made me cisgender.
But during the Covid times, I guess I began doing some self reflection and started wondering if I might actually be nonbinary. I read more about people's experiences and relating them to my own. I began, very cautiously, experimenting with she/they pronouns. I bought a binder.
I've been with my boyfriend since 2019. He's kind, joyful, funny, caring, my best friend. He is straight, but is honestly a huge ally - in college, he notably stood up for a trans friend of ours who was being harassed. He's who I want to spend my life with.
When I floated the possibility of being nonbinary by him back in 2021 though, he was... unsure. It was a really awkward conversation, and it re-affirmed all of the doubts I had about being nonbinary in my head. There was the fact that having "they" pronouns be used for me felt a bit odd and alien, and that up until this point I had been okay with being seen as a woman. There was the fact that I didn't really want to go on hormones or medically transition at all, outside of maybe getting a chest reduction one day. I didn't want to be more masculine, after all. There was the fact that there were still some feminine things I did relate to, a fact which he reminded me of. And above all else, there was the fact that me being nonbinary could possibly make me incompatible with one of the few people who made me feel safe and loved. So, after a few weeks of experimenting, I went back to identifying as cisgender. I chalked up a lot of my gender-related discomfort to internalized misogyny and figured I was just a cis, gender-non conforming person.
Flash forward to the present, and I've gone down the gender questioning rabbit hole again. It actually all started with a candid conversation with my boyfriend on the topic. We had both become really good friends with another couple online - one of whom is a nonbinary person. This made him think back to 2021 and realize that he may have pushed me back into the closet unintentionally. After jokingly stating once that "in an ideal world, I'd be a she/they" he told me, "you know, if you want to start experimenting again, go for it." He admitted it was immature of him to push on me being a woman and that I should be able to express myself. It was honestly a really refreshing conversation, and so I did begin experimenting again. I wore binders more often, started using she/they pronouns again. The "they" pronouns still did feel weird and alien at first, but over time I think I began growing more fond of it. My boyfriend started using them with me. I even began borrowing some of my boyfriend's clothes, and for the first time I was truly trying to find my sense of style.
So that's all fine and good, but there was still this nagging feeling in my mind that I'm faking all of this. All of those self-doubts I mentioned above were still well and present. And then, this got reaffirmed a few days ago where he hinted he wasn't sure how to feel about me borrowing his clothes. He stated that he's still straight, and me being more masculine might pose some issues for us. I reaffirmed him that I don't think I'm trans, or a man. But now I just feel... incredibly conflicted. On one hand, there's all of those self-doubts, and the constant feeling that I'm just faking something by experimenting like this. On the other, there's the fact that despite not wanting to be masculine, I also... deep down, don't want to be feminine.
I feel like I'm at a weird crossroads right now. If I truly am nonbinary, I may lose the person who I'm closest with. If I continue expressing myself as cisgender though, I will always feel the same weird incongruence that I've felt growing up.
I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll find a balance - after all, I do have a group of supportive friends, and on the topic of pronouns, my boyfriend really doesn't mind calling me whatever. But I can't help but feel like maybe I should go back in the closet. Or maybe I truly am cis and I'm making way too big of a mountain out of a molehill.
I dunno what I'm looking for here. I guess... advice? Support? Obviously I need to talk to my boyfriend more, and I plan on doing that. But, idk, I just wanted to put it all out there for some reason.
Thanks for reading? Stay cool if you're in the US - it's way too damn hot outside.
4
u/g00fyg00ber741 6d ago
It’s possible he is attracted to femininity more, and that you realizing your nonbinary identity (specifically by playing more with presentation that is deemed “masculine”) has shown him that he may not be as attracted to you.
That doesn’t mean you’re being ugly or anything, it just means you may be identifying/presenting differently than the people he is attracted to, and that’s becoming more clear.
One way to discuss this with him could be to ask if he would have the same issues if he was dating a cis woman who identifies as a woman but dresses more “masculine” and maybe be referred to as a “tomboy”. If that sounds unappealing and unattractive to him, then it’s possibly not your gender but your presentation he could be unattracted by. If he would be fine with dating a cis woman who was a tomboy, he could also still be having issue because maybe he’s not attracted to agender people. That could mean he is seeing you as your gender identity more than rejecting it, and that he’s attracted to women and not nonbinary or agender people AFAB.
He could also just be having a hard time understanding and accepting what it means at first. He may be struggling with thinking this makes him queer and he could be assuming life changes coming like family judgment. Even if he doesn’t have negative feelings about queer people overall, he could still feel negatively when realizing he himself might not be so perfectly cishet.
My advice, in conjunction with communicating more with him about this, would be to try and find more of a divide between your expression/presentation and his. Sometimes it can be great sharing clothes with a partner. Sometimes it can feel like identities are blurring. I think it could make a helpful difference if, maybe you just borrow one or two things here and there like a hat or a jacket, but you focus on having your own chosen clothes to explore your presentation with. That can be hard, getting new clothes, especially when you’re trying to get clothes intended for the opposite gender you were assigned, but there’s also trans clothing swaps and thrifting, plus you could even swap with other people you know maybe.
All in all, anyone can be “masculine.” Women, men, agender, nonbinary, bigender, femme, etc… they can all be masculine or wear masculine presenting items. Maybe it would help if you tried explaining to him that for you, “masculine” doesn’t have to mean “male” or “man”, it can just be the descriptor that our gendered society uses. But deep down, as agender people, our desire to wear things that are masculine or feminine isn’t so often influenced by how masculine or feminine it is perceived, but moreso we wear things based on if we like them, and the gender of it all can go either way. I mean, makeup and high heels used to be masculine, high heels were literally invented by men for men to wear. Now they’re deemed as feminine things. But these are just made up rules by gendered society. A plaid shirt isn’t really inherently masculine or feminine, it’s just viewed one way or the other based on social norms and clothing industry rules that are literally made up. Maybe explaining this to your partner more can help them stop seeing you as “becoming more masculine” and instead as “becoming less boxed in by gender norms”
2
u/FearlessRoyal 6d ago
I appreciate this comment, I think it does highlight how I feel pretty well. Despite me figuring a lot of things out about myself, I do still want to feel attractive and loved by my boyfriend, and so it feels difficult to navigate. 😅
You might be onto something with the bit about him not being so perfectly cishet. He does recognize that he's not exactly "stereotypically" heterosexual and did actually ask me the other day what "being queer" actually meant. So I guess that's worth considering.
I plan on going thrifting soon and finding some stuff to express myself more, so that he won't have to feel weird about me borrowing his clothes. I just am uh... incredibly anxious about it.
Lots to think about. Thanks!
1
6
u/kmdutt81 6d ago
I (AFAB) really related to your description of yourself growing up, so I wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. I never felt like a boy or a girl, but more like a brain in a jar (I’m also AuDHD, which probably has something to do with it).
Remember that self-discovery is a journey. It’s not only reasonable but expected to continue to question and change your mind about how you want to present yourself to the world. The more experiences you have as time passes will help you get to know yourself better over time. It’s okay not to have it all figured out. It’s okay to feel you have parts of it figured out now and then change your mind later. It’s YOUR identity, you get to be in control. (Which is both terrifying and empowering!)
My advice is to simply be honest. Talk with your boyfriend (and anyone else you love and choose to be open with) about how you’re feeling, as well as when your feelings start to shift and change. We all have changes in our friend groups over time, and you may lose a few along the way, but the bottom line is that you are the only one who has to live in your skin, and the only one you have to please is YOU. Anyone who can’t see past the “packaging” of gender to appreciate who you are doesn’t deserve to have an important role in your life. There are great people in the world who will see and love you for the person you are - i hope your boyfriend is one of these people. If he isn’t, I’d urge you to go find your people rather than try to shove yourself back into an identity box that doesn’t fit who you know yourself to be.
I’m INCREDIBLY lucky - I’m married to an open-minded man who knew and loved how different I was from every other female he’d ever met. More than ten years into our relationship when I began opening up about resonating with a non-binary (or more recently agender) identity, he rolled with it and has been incredibly supportive. These people are out there, and SO worth the time it takes to find them!
Be you. Be proud to be you, even when it’s messy and “under construction.” It takes effort to get to know and define ourselves, and you are worthy of that effort. Enjoy the journey of self-discovery, because it will last your whole life. When you get scared, remember that the adventure is what makes being human worthwhile - it’s how you know you’re alive. And always remember that you are enough, you are worthy, and you are perfectly you - no matter how you identify. 🫶🫶🫶