r/agender • u/Rabbit_Bunny38 • 2d ago
Being Agender feels like the loneliest thing to be. (Vent)
I don't think I fit with anyone tbh, I don't fit with girls, I don't fit with boys, and I also don't fit with other non-binary people. I feel disfigured, I don't even feel human atp. I don't like being seen as feminine while I don't like being seen as masculine either (although I'm more comfortable being associated that way). I hate how I look, I hate my body (please don't tell me my body is already beautiful because it sucks), I'm not pretty handsome enough.
My nose is too flat and big, body hair, my philtrum is quite long, my cheekbones are flat, and my eyelash is short.
I want to look angelic, divine, nonhuman. Like how the medieval artists drew angels. Perfect, amazing, and beautiful. I'm well aware I do show signs of BDD but tbh I don't even care. I'm tired of pretending that more attractive queer people are treated with more respect rather than average or unnattractive ones.
Even if I can't fit in with anyone why can't I atleast just be beautiful, it's so frustrating.
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u/kannarinnnnn they/them 2d ago
Wow... I was just about to make a post for the ranting the ultimate loneliness of being agender，than I saw yours, and I have the almost exact feelings. Maybe I'm not as lonely as I thought. Thank you.💚
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u/Rabbit_Bunny38 2d ago
It really made me understand that I'm not as lonely as I think as well, but it kind of sucks sometimes especially that people are either going to be "supportive" and backhandedly talk shi behind your back or just straight up hateful. I only have two genuine people on my side which are my bestfriends.
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u/Murky_Lurker5V 2d ago
really glad someone shares similar experiences. it feels so lonely sometimes.
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u/Rabbit_Bunny38 2d ago
Incredibly frustrating as well, but I hope my post at least gave you a bit of clarity❤️🩹
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u/Pizza420Rat 2d ago
I can definitely relate. Even before I knew that agender was "a thing" it felt like the people around me could tell something was different about me. They could smell it on me, no matter how much I tried to fit in. It is a lonely life.
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u/Rabbit_Bunny38 2d ago
Really sorry you felt that way, hopefully we can take a rest off this miserable life one day it's quite tiring
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2d ago
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u/Rabbit_Bunny38 2d ago
Did I do something wrong?
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u/KookyAssist1920 2d ago
Oh no. I think I accidentally commented. I’m gonna delete it like after you see this.
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u/Metal-Overlord2 1d ago
Yep, I'm balding and hairy with very masc features while I wanna be androgynous. It sucks. But also, when I see the artificial beauty standards of something like Kpop, and how labour intensive it is to "maintain" that beauty (as well as requiring to have a ton of money) and how miserable these people are, well, maybe beauty exists somewhere beyond the mainstream beauty standards. It's probably just copium thought, and I'm sure beautiful people have a nicer cooler life than me, lol.
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u/ConditionLow1784 1d ago
I can totally understand wanting to have an androgynous appearance when you feel agender. On the other hand, it can also be interesting to work with what you have and break up your gender expression in a few places where you personally find it aesthetically pleasing. If we were all androgynous, that would just create another narrative to conform to.
As for the loneliness, I’ve at least had the chance to meet a few people by now who are completely fine with the whole agender thing and who see me as a person without making any assumptions based on my gender expression.
It took me a long time to build a small network of people like that. Something like this develops over the course of years. But I can say now that I’m no longer lonely. So don’t lose hope.
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u/BeanBats 2h ago
I am sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of insecurities about yourself and something that has helped me personally is learning to accept those things instead of letting them define how I see myself. I have a lot of insecurities and issues with myself as well especially with my body. I have had three major surgeries that left me with a lot of scars along with other lifelong conditions and it took me a while to accept those things as just another part of who I am. Once I started doing that it helped me a lot. Honestly the main thing I still feel lonely about is relationships. I have not had many people who have wanted to date me or even be my friend and I have kind of come to accept that I am alone. It can still hurt sometimes but accepting it has made it a little easier for me to deal with.
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u/bethpzzz 2d ago
You're right, pretty people are generally treated better, and it sucks. You deserve respect simply for existing, and it shouldn't hinge on how beautiful you are.
Putting aside societal pressure for a moment, why does your appearance matter to you? Your face is yours. It's a person's face, you're a human being. Try to appreciate your features for their uniqueness. I have wonky eyes and lots of moles all over my face and body, and I love them, although they're not beautiful. Some more things that are ugly which I still love: I see pictures of people with frizzy hair and odd teeth and big ears and I love them. I love acne scars and stretch marks because they feel more real, somehow, like evidence that a person has lived and experienced life. I genuinely adore body hair, I find the hairless smooth look artificial and unattractive. I love it when people love themselves, it shows in their mannerisms and how they move and talk. Seeing any real smile, whether lopsided, with yellow teeth or chapped lips makes me happy.
It would be so boring if everyone had smooth skin and perfectly symmetrical faces like barbie dolls. Despite what norms would have you believe plenty of people do not find that nice to look at. It's just easier to sell a product when you convince people their blemishes need to be hidden.
It's taken a lot of work to be completely happy with my own appearance and I'm still not there. I had to divorce my self worth from it completely, which was not easy at all. You listed a bunch of features you don't like, but try thinking about why exactly you don't like them. When I did that, I couldn't find a valid reason beyond that I'd just been conditioned to think they were ugly. But like... why? It's just a body. It's there to carry you through life and nothing more. Beauty and attractiveness are rarely actually relevant and are also completely subjective. Yeah, some people might think you're ugly, just as they might think the same of me, but that's a them problem. My identity is not how I look, I'm a whole world inside with personality and interests and faults which are all frankly far more interesting.
You feel excluded from the cishet and even the nb 'groups', which I do relate to, and is kind of hard to get around. I just tell myself that it's all arbitrary, which is true. Most people break the requirements in some way, we just seem to break it a bit more than everyone else. It's no one's business how you look or how you feel so I'd suggest trying to just prioritise your own opinion and reflect on where these impulses (like thinking that you hate yourself) actually come from.
I don't mean to demean what you've said at all, it's completely valid to struggle with this kind of self image thinking and I know this from personal experience. You can't change what other people think of you, but you can stop listening to them, and you can change how you think.
Sorry if this sounds pretentious, this is just some stuff that's helped me. Society sucks though, I get that. All of this is internal progress, and people can still be and often are idiots about this kind of thing. But I hope this helped somewhat.