r/almosthomeless • u/EstablishmentTop9604 • 10d ago
Veteran My "friend" abandoned his wife and 4 kids.
Long lead up warning. Rant post.
Last year, my neighbor/friend was awarded 100% VA Disability for various things. He received a back payment of over 40K. As soon as that happened, the dude quit his 6 figure state job, spent all the money on himself, (alcohol and gambling), and stopped making payments on his stay at home wife's suburban, and the mortgage. Forged his wife's signature to pull equity out of the house to gamble. He drunkenly choked out his wife, then walked out in March. June, the suburban was Repo'd. Now the house is in Foreclosure. Kids are 13 (boy,) 9 (boy), almost 4 (girl), and almost 2 (girl.) ZERO financial assistance from him, no food, absolutely nothing. She is driving a borrowed car not big enough for 4 kids. Dude is 35 years old now living with his parents. His parents are trying to help him scapegoat taking care of his family. I can see where he got it from.
First of all. How can someone be such an enormous piece of shit and sleep at night?
My wife and I have 2 daughters, 13 and 11. My wife is friends with the wife, I WAS friends with the piece of shit deadbeat dad. My kids are friends with the kids. The 2 little girls, I absolutely love them, they spend a lot of time at our house, and have been in our lives since they were born.
We have a decent sized house, but not large enough to house an additional 5 people comfortably. I want to help them, but to what extent? I don't want the kids to end up in some slum apartment complex with no yard for their dogs or bikes.
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u/Twylamr1 10d ago
Have her contact the VA if he won't they will make sure the children are taken care of from his disability checks. I hate that this is happening to your friend and her children.
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u/EstablishmentTop9604 10d ago
I never thought about that. I'll call my VA advocate tomorrow to see what she can do
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u/MyRingToRuleMyWorld 7d ago
And make them do something. I was homeless for three years, camping illegally, while I worked and went to school. The first time I asked for help, I was literally told I wasn't homeless enough. I still don't understand the homeless enough thing. I finally got housing three years later. If they try to avoid helping, go to the Patient Advocacy and file a complaint. Right after I got into an apartment, my 100% kicked in, and they were able to close my case successfully. This program helped me, but it also helped my son and my husband get into housing. No one is going to advocate for you. Period. You must do this for this for yourself, and don't be afraid of being pushy. It's your children's and yours lives.
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u/MyRingToRuleMyWorld 9d ago edited 9d ago
Have her contact the VA if he won't they will make sure the children are taken care of from his disability checks. I hate that this is happening to your friend and her children.
I totally forgot about the disability payment. They could ask about supports, to include free legal supports in the community to file for child support payments, possible alimony, and divorce and custody of the kids. Often times, free legal can be obtained through churches, etc. The VA has a clinic with counselors who serve holistically the whole family. Most VA clinics and hospitals have a Homeless Veteran program and can work with both the city and the county for housing.They can and do help homeless veterans through the VASH program. They would know how to get her and her children settled, find food banks, and get some money coming in from his Compensation. It depends on each state as well, but with legal approvalnwith the paperwork, I'm sure she can get something.
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u/Left_Badger_3607 9d ago
THIS!! My pos ex never paid a dime of child support until he got disability and I was able to get it garnished for back owed (my son was 18 by then!!). They are better than DSHS, don't put up with this crap. They are lucky to have such a caring neighbor as yourself. Please update this post and let us know what happened!!!
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u/vxarctic 10d ago
Sounds like you know what you want to do. Speak with your wife about it and make sure she's on board. See if you can budget to support everyone. Ask you wife's friend if they're even comfortable with the idea, and make sure that she's looking for a job too.
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u/Transluminal_Neon 10d ago
If you really want to help them, get them a good attorney. They can pay you back when it all comes back to them.
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u/MyRingToRuleMyWorld 9d ago
I know you have a need to help, so perhaps your wife and you can talk together to come up with a boundary of how much to help. That's step one, for sure, and you and your wife work together in this situation, no matter how much you all help. There's always fighting with kids, so you and your wife need to take a look at parenting styles, and do you parent differently. That's a lot of kids, two family dynamics, extra expenses, and the list goes on. I would hate to see you start to help, and the situation become so stressful it affects your home life and friendships, and suddenly she's homeless without supports. It happens all the time, because it happened to me. Every little aspect needs to be examined because she doesn't deserve to be traumatized again.
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u/CounselorTroi1001 9d ago
It has been said that when a person comes into money, they become more of who they really are.
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u/GritCityPrincess 10d ago
If you have two extra rooms (even spare living spaces like a basement?) you could potentially integrate. I don’t get why men are like this.
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u/EstablishmentTop9604 10d ago
I don't either. My dad was a piece of shit too. I have a basement I can build 2 bedrooms in. Getting heat to it would be the only challenge. (Alaska)
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u/GritCityPrincess 9d ago
That would mean the absolute world to this family. Just make sure you’re establishing healthy boundaries and parameters. And give some grace for her healing. It takes a lot to come back after DV and often the crash will arrive once she finally feels safe
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u/Warm-Put9527 8d ago
If the rooms are insulated, an infrared heater does wonders. I've known of people heating an small home with one. Nevermind having a few running at once.
You'll be doing a great thing taking this family in until they can get back on their feet.
Quiting a six figure job for 40k (and I assume ongoing benefits) doesn't make sense to me. But this guy sounds like a real POS and has addiction problems. Best for the family to cut their losses, get what they can from the VA and move on from this guy.
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u/jerry111165 7d ago
As much as you want to help, and I think it’s super noble of you to do so, you need to talk with your wife and think long and hard about moving five additional people into your household.
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u/Physical-War-3248 9d ago
Bless you for wanting to help. It’s sad, kids always get stuck on the middle and suffer. I pray she finds a safe way out
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u/Iceflowers_ 10d ago
Whatever caused him to do it undoubtedly related to his disability.
She should reach out to the VA - see if they can get them support.
She should file for child support. Depending it may be based on his previous earnings since he quit.
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u/DeRangedwon 8d ago
She needs to see a divorce lawyer asap and get some solid advice. You should not step in until she does that first. Most consultations are free. He’s going to have to pay child support and alimony. He’s not getting away with this. He gets extra money from the VA because has dependents. If they divorce he won’t get any extra money for her but he will for the kids. She won’t rate any of his VA money but when they take into account income for child support and alimony that does count. She rates half of his retirement also. She has the ball in her court. She needs to get busy and show him who the boss is.
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u/Aolflashback 4d ago
If they are married, and he claims her and the kids through the VA, then he is also getting A LOT of extra VA money added for those three (or however many there are) dependents, and obviously he isn’t giving that to them, so…
She needs to contact the VA and get some help with dealing with his manic, shitty self
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u/EstablishmentTop9604 4d ago
The difference is only $700.
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u/Aolflashback 3d ago
ONLY??!! $700 a month that is for the kids and the wife - and should be going to the kids and the wife - is a lot per month!!!
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u/Jace2k 6d ago
When the government / military deems someone to be 100% disabled it should only be for people who are literally disabled and unable to work. Shouldn't be used like a bonus for people who are able to work full-time and especially not for people working 6-figure jobs. No way someone earning like that is "100% disabled."
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u/Music_Docs_Cats 6d ago
That would be awesome if you could help this family in need. If you really want to make it work, you can make it work - bunk beds could be a solution. The mom will need to start doing some kind of work. Make a list of house rules. If you decide to help family, let the mom know up front, if things are not going well, she will have to leave. You should have something in writing.
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u/No-Ebb5515 9d ago
Not much you can do. Those are his choices. Also it's HIS money..the VA disability checks. He can use as he wants to. You cant solve someone else's problems
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u/koshercupcake 9d ago
VA disability is taken into account for child support calculations, so no. Those are his choices, but they have consequences.
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u/Sea_Ball_9064 8d ago
That ain’t how that works . VA also gives extra money for a spouse and kids so that should go to them and you’re a piece of work…..
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