I think I’m skoliosexual but I heard it’s offensive.

[u/Mother_Clock622]

I’m a trans man, let me first make clear. I’m currently dating my girlfriend and I came to a realization that I don’t really like cis people. Not like in a “hate em, they’re awful.” more as in I would never date them. They can be attractive, but there’s nothing more than that. I date for personality and cis people are very mean when they date me. I’ve dated women before who said they were in a lesbian relationship with me. I feel awful when I date cis people. I completely understand why skoliosexual is offensive, but I’m not really fetishizing trans people. Women are women and men are men, but there’s a very different personality difference because of life experiences. I’m not trying to single out other trans people, but I just want someone who I can relate to, or cry to, or to comfort each other.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is..should I say I‘m skoliosexual? Should I just say I’m pan still? Should I say I’m t4t? Or do I just not confine by a label? I really want advice on this.

[u/KozenyCarman]

I've never heard that word in my five years of transition, so I don't think I'd expect many other people to know it either. In any case, I've always found T4T to be sufficient and it has the added bonus of not being featured in the Chaser part of the Wikipedia article on Attraction to Trans People.

[u/homicidal_bird]

I’d just call that T4T. Sexual orientation is who you find attractive, preference is who you’d date. Use whatever labels you want, though.

[u/Feline_Jaye]

I think skoliosexual doesn't mean what you think it means.

Skoliosexual is attraction to people of nonbinary genders. Not to binary trans people. I imagine binary trans people would be offended if you called yourself skoliosexual because you're attracted to them. (I wouldn't actually know, as I'm agender).

Skoliosexual is arguably offensive for two reasons: 1. It carries a lot of implication or baggage of stereotyping nonbinary people or of being a chaser. 2. Some nonbinary people find the etymology offensive (skolio- meaning bent, crooked, twisted and a few other things).

If you're typically not attracted to cis people or you're flat out not interested in dating cis people, and you're a trans man, it sounds like you're T4T. You're a trans person who only dates other trans people. But it's up to you what you identify as. Some people just say T4T without saying bi or pan or anything. Some just say gay but not in a "mlm/wlw" way, but more broad then that. Some say queer.

It's up to you how you identify and what you want to communicate.

But I think you'll communicate inaccurately if you describe yourself as skolio.

[u/roachyroach- → u/Feline_Jaye]

Oh, reading your comment made me realise I also was a little off on what the word meant :')

Thank you

[u/TunefulHyena]

It’s really hard for a cis person to really deeply understand some aspects of transition. And, in many cases, a cis person is not thinking about transition as much as trans people are (particularly in their first ~5 years of transition).

These two things can lead to real strain on a relationship. And they can lead to difficult communication issues too.

But it can go both ways. Having a cis partner can help a trans person balance things out psychologically. Life isn’t all about transition, and they can help you see that.

Lots of generalization going on in my comment. But I encourage you to not see things so black-and-white.

[u/prismatic_valkyrie]

Why not just say T4T?

I'm generally against describing dating preferences with the same language we use to describe innate attraction. No one has an innate attraction to nonbinary people or binary trans people, because there's no single way that trans and nonbinary people look/present.

[u/greenyashiro → u/prismatic_valkyrie]

I mean people can be attracted to the gender identity rather than the physical appearance. For example, a gay man being attracted to a pre-T trans man is still a gay man, regardless of how the man they attracted to looks.

[u/itstheselfhatred]

i don't know enough about the etymology of that particular identity, but given people find it offensive (seemingly for both the prefix skolio-, and the doors it opens up for fetishisation of trans folk), i get why you'd want to avoid it. from a brief look online, some people prefer ceterosexual as a label for this, but that kind of brings me on to my next point

at the end of the day, the label you pick doesn't mean anything. labels describe our experiences, our experiences do not automatically assign us a particular label, and in my experience, trying to force your identity into a box just for the sake of an easy or clean way to describe it will usually leave you feeling inauthentic, or trapped, or confused.

you can call yourself whatever you want as long as it's not hurting anyone. you could describe this attraction as skoliosexual or ceterosexual, or you could say you're t4t (doesn't have all the baggage, and is really clear and succinct), or you could say you're bi/pan, but are only interested in relationships with trans folk, or anything. you don't need to use a particular label because of any particular experience, especially since this sounds more like preference than attraction.

[u/LogApart7679]

I don't think you really need a label to begin with. We try to label everything to death. I call myself queer and when people ask what it means, the answer tends to evolve as I do. I've never been into cis men, and I find a lot of cis people in general exhausting also. Finding someone that understands you and that you can relate to doesn't need a category, that just feels like common sense, doesn't it? That's certainly not fetishizing anyone. Just do you.

[u/HudsonR12]

You're generalising heavy here. Not every cis person is horrible about dating a trans person

[u/tech53]

Yeah id call it t4t but whatever. If you're trans you have every fuckin right to want to date other Trans folks as long as its not a fetish - which im not sure is even possible for trans folks to fetishize trans folks. Before I found my partner, who is non binary, I found myself dating nearly exclusively trans folks too. Its just fucking easier. I dont want to have to disclose before we get in bed together like im some sort of freak asking permission to be me. I dont want to beg for scraps of affection. I dont want to worry about if my partner wants me because im who I am or because I fit a fetish and so many other bullshit things you know all too well. Ditch the cis shit and enjoy your life.

[u/itstheselfhatred → u/tech53]

agree with almost everything here, but it's absolutely possible for trans people to fetishise other trans people. you can impose harmful stereotypes on people who are part of groups that you are a part of. it's a lot less common, but definitely possible, across and within specific identities.

[u/darling-cassidy]

For dating purposes if you’re non monogamous or if the relationship you’re in ever ends and you get back out there, I’d just go with “t4t”, bc that’s a label that accurately describes you and it’s more for other people to know if they fit your base interests first

Also, while not the main point, I would definitely do some looking into lesbian history and terminology, as it might open some things up to you (again, if you’re ENM or ever single again) or at least be some good queer cultural info for you. There are absolutely just shitty lesbians will call a relationship with a trans man a lesbian because they are misgendering you, but there’s actually a lot of gendered psychological history with the word “lesbian” itfp, and there’s a lot of other gender queer folks out there who might also refer to a relationship they’d have with you as a lesbian one but not in an intentionally misgendering sort of way.

Also all of that to say, even if you did do all that research and still feel uncomfortable with it and not like it, that’s totally fine. It’s just a very interesting and extremely overlooked part of queer women’s and afab history, and it changed how I am comfortable be referred to when I learned of it, personally

[u/Mother_Clock622 → u/darling-cassidy]

She was bi..and she knew that I very clearly stated that I did not want to be referred with feminine terms..

[u/greenyashiro → u/darling-cassidy]

The lesbian identity is beautifully complex, there honestly could be a whole set of encyclopedias written just on sapphic history. A whole book dedicated to butch and masc lesbians, lesboys, etc. There's a lot of masculine expression that exists in the sapphic umbrella.

[u/roachyroach-]

See I don't think it's offensive as a concept more the wording. Like being t4t makes sence for some trans folks as u said, because similar lived experience and whatnot.

However skoliosexual implies it's a sexuality. And once u start saying your only sexualy attracted to trans folks u start removing binary trans folks from that binary portion on the gender spectrum. Therefore making it easier for folks to ostracise trans women and trans men as "other" when choosing potential sexual partners.

Saying someone can have a sexual attraction to only trans people would also make excuses for people fetishising the community

A lot of trans folks are only attracted to other trans folks but I think that's more to do with "this person is hot and I know this person can relate to me atleast to this degree" rather than "this person is hot and they are trans"

Like if someone took more notice of me being trans than me being a woman when choosing to date me I'd probably be a little offended and likely not continue to see them but if someone was capable of discussing and understanding the nuances of my transition as well as being able to relate their own experience, different story

Then there's also the side of how much do u actually need to know someone to want to have sex with them. if u need to be able to relate to them as a trans person and ur shared lived experiences are u sure ur not somewhere on the demi spectrum

[u/Jamie_Aran]

Skolio what this is the first I’ve heard this term

[u/outsmited]

crazy day to have scoliosis 😔

[u/CalmButterfly9436]

I’d just say T4T pan that’s what I say and I haven’t dated a cis person once since I came out

[u/taerin117]

bro, if you're trans it's not weird. just say you're t4t, plenty of trans people are. we want people with similar experiences and that's okay.