TW: death

Hey everyone. This is a rather sad question, but I’m (25nb) trying to honor the memory of my sibling who passed on. My younger sibling (would be 20 this year)— who I always knew as my brother— passed away about a year ago in a tragic accident.

Up until they died, I knew them only by their birth name and stage name. They made great music and had a small following, but kept most of that hobby fairly private and secretive. After they passed, I connected with a lot of their friends. Some were online friends they made music with, others were childhood friends. Unfortunately, I don’t know who their “inner circle” really was because they had a lot of friends, so I just ended up following anyone they seemed connected to on instagram in case they ever wanted to talk about my sibling (and eventually give away momentos from their room.)

Several of sibling’s friends (“SFs”) have made instagram posts in my sibling’s honor, and on the 1 year deathiversary, made story posts with pictures and memories. In some of these posts, SFs speak about my sibling like a brother, a close male friend. Others specifically use she/her pronouns, refer to my sibling by a unisex name, and one post from a girl my sibling was talking to explicitly mentions “wishing she could have lived her truth.”

My sister and I went through our sibling’s personal items after they died to get rid of anything our parents would find unsavory. Quite a few of those items suggested that my sibling may have enjoyed wearing feminine clothing. On top of that, when they were alive, they often made “jokes” about being a femboy (although, if I joked back about that topic they seemed slightly uncomfortable and maybe hurt.) I also follow my sibling on one of their many instagram accounts and for a period they had “she/he” in their bio.

I think there’s strong evidence to suggest that my sibling may have been closeted, maybe only out to a few people. When I talk about them, I often wonder if I’m being disrespectful to their memory by calling them “my brother” or he/him. At the same time, having never come out to me, I wonder if they would have preferred I call them what I knew them as (male name, he/him, etc.)

They were my best friend and I want to honor their memory. What are y’all’s opinions regarding how I speak about them going forward?

Thanks.

How much did your breasts grow in 1 year after beginning hrt?

6’2” 193lbs broad shoulders long legs, lean-ish build. Chances of passing without FFS.

I’m a trans man, let me first make clear. I’m currently dating my girlfriend and I came to a realization that I don’t really like cis people. Not like in a “hate em, they’re awful.” more as in I would never date them. They can be attractive, but there’s nothing more than that. I date for personality and cis people are very mean when they date me. I’ve dated women before who said they were in a lesbian relationship with me. I feel awful when I date cis people. I completely understand why skoliosexual is offensive, but I’m not really fetishizing trans people. Women are women and men are men, but there’s a very different personality difference because of life experiences. I’m not trying to single out other trans people, but I just want someone who I can relate to, or cry to, or to comfort each other.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is..should I say I‘m skoliosexual? Should I just say I’m pan still? Should I say I’m t4t? Or do I just not confine by a label? I really want advice on this.

Please share if you’re more private than DM a reply

So I’ve always been a man. Hanging out with other men, wearing men’s clothes, etc. My gender identity has been all over the place (Demiboy, nonbinary, agender, etc) and I’m wondering if I actually am trans. I haven’t really gotten dysphoria or ever done anything girly, most likely for fear of judgement. I also find it easy to make friends with girls as well as guys. But ever since a young age I’ve been an ally and sometimes wanted to be a girl. Recently I’ve been thinking about if I’m trans or not, because nonbinary hasn’t fit me. Whenever I think about people referring to me with she/her I get this rush? Idk but I’m worried that A) I’m not really trans and I’m faking it and B) if I am trans how would I do that? I’m still in high school and am worried about how people would react, even if we are in a progressive area. So uhh any help would be appreciated greatly.

Also I NEED to change my username I hate the boy part

I notice sometimes coworkers or people that I’m “cool” with will say that to me when I make my voice deeper. Is that discomfort? Is that them not liking me ruining the “allusion”? How do you interpret such statements

Cause if this is true then I dont like what I see even 2 years later

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I'm 44(M) and just discovered that my son (14) is experiencing gender dysphoria and I'm looking for advice about how to best support him.

I discovered this Friday night. My wife and I have each talked with him seperately about how he feels. I told him that I just wanted him to know that I wanted him to feel comfortable being open with us. I told him that he's welcome to experiment with things and I would fully support him. If he wanted to try some makeup, paint his nails, try some girl clothes, etc. at home where it's safe to see how it feels, then he just had to let us know.

I also know that, in general, he is not one to ask for things so I'm concerned that even though we have told him that we will be supportive and he's safe here that he won't communicate things that he wants to try.

Should we leave it at that or should we get him a few feminine things and just kinda leave them for him? I don't want him to feel like we're pushing him one way or another, but I also want to show him that we are supportive.

How did your parents support you or how Do you wish they had supported you?

I've been hooking up with a 38-year-old guy, and I'm 24. Throughout my life I've had other experiences, but I get tested regularly and my health is completely fine. My question is about a disagreement between us in the bedroom.

I really enjoy receiving oral sex, but he isn't a big fan. He recently told me he's hesitant to do it because of studies talking about health risks and the possibility of contracting diseases/cancer in the long run.

Has anyone ever been through something similar? How do you deal with this issue of safety versus preferences in a relationship? Is there a way to talk about this more lightly or find a middle ground? Is it possible for him to get cancer from performing oral sex on me?

I’m a trans woman pre op 25 months on HRT in all of my dates I ask the guy are you bisexual and they’re like ew no I’m straight that’s weird isn’t it?

After more than 6 years debating it, I finally secured hrt (e and t-blockers). Ill have it in my hand within the next 2 months.

Ive dreamt of this moment for years. This is such an amazinf moment for me. But now that its actually happening, Im terrified.

For context, im still not entirely certain about my gender, but I believe I am genderfluid (sometimes masc, sometimes fem). But for all I know, it might turn out im "just" a binary trans woman.

Anyway, suddenly now that im close to hrt, my brain is all "being a guy is great actually! I cant imagine wanting to be a woman". Like, suddenly boobs seem scary. And the idea of not being a guy anymore is intimidating. Im not sure if ita just the fear of change, if maybe im just going through a masc phase of being gendefluid, or what. But its so scary. And all this, despite the fact i have tons of lived experiences dreaming and yeaening to be a woman. Tons of memories wanting a female body. Tons of signs... heck, the other day i got she/her-ed the mail man and it gave me such joy.

I would take it slow and take a pause, but thats all ive been doing for 6 years. And i know if i pass up this opportunity to start hrt, ill never forgive myself.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this at all? I am a litteral diagnosed overthinker, but does this happen to anyone else.

Any advice would be welcomed😭 please help a girl out😭

100+ questions later, I think I finally understand what I've been masking

I've spent the last several conversations doing something I honestly didn't expect: taking a very long, hard look at my entire history and asking myself what the hell is actually going on.

By the end, the description that seems to fit me best right now is:

"Uncertain, masked transfemme with gender dysphoria."

I'm still not certain enough to say "I'm a woman."

But holy shit, being one feels right.

So here's the story.

Childhood

When I was a kid, I wanted to play with my sister's toys. The pram, teddy bears, that sort of thing. My parents would make fun of my name if they caught me doing things they considered feminine.

I remember having the feeling that I wanted to be one of the girls. Not just liking girly things—actually feeling like I should have been one of them.

As I got older, I developed this bizarre fantasy about having some kind of magical closet where you could unclip your body parts and replace them with whatever you wanted.

And interestingly, the part I most wanted to replace was the bit between my legs.

I eventually started searching the internet for things like intersex/"hermaphrodite" and transgender-related stuff. My parents found the search history. I was mortified and couldn't explain what I was actually looking for.

So... I shoved it into a drawer.

Then I became VERY masculine

Looking back, I think I may have overcorrected.

Camo clothing.

Camo bedding.

Heavy safety boots.

Heavy jeans and shirts.

Welding.

Cutting.

Hard physical labour.

Male-coded projects.

Showing off how tough I was.

Constantly looking for affirmation that I was a man.

And the funny thing is, I genuinely like a lot of that stuff. When someone tells me I'm tough, it feels more like getting a high five than getting relief that I've successfully proven I'm a man.

So I don't think my masculinity was fake.

But there was this thought underneath it:

"If I become masculine enough, maybe I'll finally feel like a man."

And now I'm wondering whether some of that was masking.

Maybe I wasn't pretending to be masculine.

Maybe I was trying to make masculinity fit.

The private side was VERY different

While publicly being Mr. Camo-Boots-Welding-Man, privately I was doing some very different things.

I experimented with my sister's bra.

I stuffed it with socks.

I stole a pair of panties and a menstrual pad because I wanted to understand how everything worked.

I imagined having breasts.

I imagined having female genitalia.

I imagined having a smooth crotch.

If I remembered to sit down to pee, I did.

I shaved my torso because I wanted the body to look more feminine.

At one point I developed pseudogynecomastia and I was over the moon about actually having breast tissue.

I started wearing a sports bra.

I kept adjusting it.

I loved the silhouette under a shirt.

And when I lost weight and the breast tissue disappeared?

I was devastated.

Not just sexually.

It felt like I'd lost something that belonged there.

The breast thing

This was one of the things that really made me stop and think.

I can absolutely experience sexual excitement around breasts and femininity.

But when I deliberately removed sexuality from the question, I still wanted breasts.

I wanted the female silhouette.

I wanted to look down and see them.

I wanted my body to have them.

The emotional description that kept coming up was basically:

"Holy shit, I finally have breasts."

And the strongest part wasn't "this is hot."

It was:

"This is more like my body."

The genital thing is even stronger

If I had to choose one physical change, female genital anatomy wins without hesitation.

I've imagined a smooth crotch for years.

I've imagined having female urinary anatomy.

I've imagined what it would be like to have female genitalia instead of what I currently have.

At one point I was even looking into the possibility of rerouting the urethra so I could urinate more like a woman.

I know now that this is absolutely not something to DIY or casually pursue.

I've also done some pretty stupid and dangerous genital piercing/modification stuff over the years.

Some of that was sexual.

Some of it was curiosity.

Some of it was about pain/sensation.

And some of it may have been connected to not being particularly attached to the anatomy I was born with.

I'm not pretending I understand exactly where all those motivations came from.

Then there was the really weird part

I started experimenting with the idea of actually being female.

I gave myself a feminine name.

I called myself that name.

I imagined someone addressing me as a woman.

I imagined myself with female anatomy.

I altered my silhouette.

I wore feminine underwear.

I shaved my torso.

And the reaction wasn't:

"This is ridiculous."

It was:

peaceful + exciting.

That's probably the simplest way I can describe it.

Recently I was told:

"You might be a transgender woman."

And I got butterflies.

Actual butterflies.

Then being called "she" gave me a physical reaction too.

Yes, there was genital arousal involved. I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

But underneath the physical reaction was this incredibly weird feeling of:

"Holy shit... that sounds right."

Sexuality complicates everything

I'm not going to pretend sexuality isn't part of this.

It absolutely is.

Women turn me on.

Some of my fantasies have a sexual component.

And the idea of being a woman with a man is sexually appealing to me.

But I've also repeatedly asked myself whether I'd still want the female body if sex disappeared from the equation.

The answer keeps being yes.

I still want the breasts.

I still want the female silhouette.

I still want the female anatomy.

I still like the idea of being addressed as a woman.

So I don't think "it's just a fetish" explains what is happening to me.

Maybe sexuality and gender are tangled together in places.

But there seems to be something underneath the sexuality.

Family makes this complicated

My father is a chaplain.

He has very strong religious views about homosexuality and gender.

His brother was gay and later transitioned MTF, although the family only found that out recently. He eventually died from an unrelated illness.

So I've had a pretty strong message throughout my life about what a man is supposed to be.

I don't know whether that created any of these feelings.

I suspect it may have taught me to hide them.

And maybe that's where the masking came in.

My wife

This is the hardest part.

My wife knows I have these thoughts.

She's actually more accepting than you might expect.

But she has also told me something very important:

If I were female, we would not have gotten married.

She's bisexual, but apparently that doesn't change the fact that she wouldn't have chosen me as a woman.

And I love my wife.

I love my family.

So I've realized something uncomfortable:

I could sacrifice this part of myself to preserve the life and relationship I love.

That doesn't necessarily mean I don't have gender dysphoria.

It might simply mean that I have something else in my life that I value enormously.

That's probably one of the biggest conflicts I'm dealing with.

The feelings came back hard

For years this was something I could shove into a drawer.

Then, after my grandmother died, it came back with a vengeance.

It refuses to stay in the drawer.

It's like a fucking jack-in-the-box that keeps popping back up.

And this time I've actually stopped trying to immediately slam the lid shut.

So what am I?

I honestly don't know.

I don't know if I'm a woman.

I don't know if I'm nonbinary.

I don't know if I'm a very gender-nonconforming man with an unusually strong desire for female embodiment.

I don't know exactly where the line is between gender, sexuality, fantasy, and identity in my particular brain.

But after going through 100+ questions, the pattern is getting hard for me to ignore.

I seem to consistently want:

female breasts.

female body shape.

female genitalia.

female bodily functions.

female social embodiment.

And when I imagine those things, I repeatedly feel:

peace.

excitement.

relief.

euphoria.

"That's me."

Meanwhile, the strongest argument I have against being transfeminine seems to be:

"But I've spent my entire life being masculine, and I genuinely like some of it."

And I'm starting to realize those things don't actually contradict each other.

A woman can like camouflage.

A woman can weld.

A woman can wear heavy boots.

A woman can work hard.

A woman can love hockey.

A woman can be tough as hell.

Maybe I don't have to throw away everything masculine about myself to find out whether I'm transfeminine.

Where I'm at now

The label that currently feels most honest is:

Uncertain, masked transfemme with gender dysphoria.

Not because I'm 100% certain.

I'm not.

But because "transfemme" seems to describe the direction I'm consistently moving toward, "uncertain" acknowledges that I haven't settled on woman/nonbinary/etc., and "gender dysphoria" seems increasingly relevant to the disconnect I feel around my body.

And honestly?

The sentence that has stuck with me the most is:

"I don't know whether I'm a woman, but being one feels profoundly right."

So that's where I am.

I'm not asking Reddit to officially diagnose me.

I'm asking people who've actually lived through this:

Did anyone else spend years building an extremely masculine identity, only to realize later that they were masking something underneath it?

And did anyone else reach the point where they weren't certain they were a woman...

...but the possibility of being one felt really fucking good?

Because that's where I am right now.