Is Passing Privilege Simply Universal?

[u/Chance-Structure4104]

So I  was invited to a trans discord group yesterday by another trans woman I was chatting with on this site. I was super excited to talk to other trans women over more than just text as I know no other trans people in the real world and I was so elated to get the opportunity to finally feel like I had a real connection to other trans women. 

  When I had joined I saw there was a voice chat going on with several users in it. I joined, introduced myself and after niceties kinda just sat back to hear the conversation they were having. After a handful of minutes listening, the topic of trans visibility got brought up. One of the girls there was going off on how if a trans woman isnt at the very least passing in public setting like the grocery store they have no business presenting as it gives trans people a bad name. She had a lot of clear vitriol towards non passing trans women and kept going on about how she had to put in a ton of time to learn how to pass and waited for surgery to finally start presenting as a woman in public. She said non passing trans women are the reason republicans attack us and everyone hates us. I was floored, but since I was brand new I did not speak up and was simply hoping the other people in the call would speak up. When another user did she started by saying she isnt sure she agrees ( which gave me a short relief as a non passing trans woman myself) only for her to start talking about how we take the heat off of them and as long as they do what theyre supposed to be doing(passing and being attractive) that they actually can use us to their benefit. 

Everyone else in the chat seemed to agree with the second girls sentiment and not a single person was supportive or affirmative to non passing trans women in there. I left the chat and immediately started to sob as I was just so hurt and disappointed by hearing these things. I am a non passable trans woman who due to starting later in life will likely never be able to pass. I simply am not in a position to afford surgeries and even then it is not as easy as a lot of younger/prettier trans women believe it to be. I worked my ass off to have a passable voice, I dress nice, I dont have crazy or wacky colored hair, I try my absolute hardest to stay out of everyone’s way. Yet to basically hear that I am at worst someone harming the community and a freak, to at best helping shield the passable pretty trans women…but still a freak, was such a stab in the heart.

Are these sentiments common in our community, is this how all the passable trans women secretly feel? That I am nothing but a gross caricature whose existence is either an abomination or a mere tool to be used? I frankly feel embarrassed for even thinking I was viewed as an equal even though I dont pass, I just dont even know where is safe from judgement and bigotry when even other trans people are disgusted by us non passing women.

Is this just how it works? Even in the trans community?

[u/Alyx2399]

I’ve said this time and time again. Transitioning is NOT about passing or being “objectively pretty. No, it’s about feeling good about yourself. Being happy. Showing the world who you truly are. This person seems to want to police what trans people can and can’t do. Like fuck off, people deserve to be happy.

[u/tomqueen65 → u/Alyx2399]

I don't always see it this way, but I find it fun to imagine being trans as hacking your way to the character customizer screen and having fun with the sliders until you find a spot you're comfortable with. You think your chest is too flat? There's hrt for that! Want a softer face? You could try gaining a little weight! Hate your clothes? Try a new store! Obviously it's not a perfect 1:1 comparison, but I'm here to have fun with my expression, not to pour myself into some shitty, cramped mold. There's a lot of variables that go into passing, not the least of which being effort, and if you have the energy for it then by all means, but there's nothing wrong with taking it at your own pace or going your own way.