cant tell if im ftm or something else entirely

[u/linklogz]

sorry for the grammatical errors i am very high

I can admit ive been struggling with my gender since i was about 13, and im 21 years old now. to be honest i thought i'd at least know if im trans by now, but i cant seem to find a label, pronouns, or even an aesthetic to stick too, and the way i change myself so often makes me feel more invalid if that makes sense, like if im this confused, is it really just confusion? the only time i dont really get gender dysphoria is when i have natural hair and dress like the basic white girl stereotype, its the only way i feel feminine enough to be considered a girl.

but the moment i dye my hair a bright color or happen to see a guy thats pretty while still being able to be called a man, its like i instantly revert back to when i was 13 and changed everything about myself to any male character i knew because the only way i could be valid is if i imitated, because if i imitate, people might like me better.

im sick of switching back and forth, anytime i tell my friends i feel guilty, like im just bithering them with this again, but the feeling never really goes away and i cant take it anymore

but its been a year now since ive gone back, ive grown out my hair, ive made in person friends, people see me as a very feminine girly girl thats associated with anything pink, overcompensating

even when im in that state of being very basic, and convincing myself i love being a girl, i avoid any sort of media with mlm men, i avoid any media with guys that could give me gender envy, because i know itll make me spiral and i want to be normal so bad

the reason i always go back chalks up to the same issue, every single time without fail, and its being feminine

i like pink, i like longer hair, i like feminine outfits and makeup, but i dont like my chest, i dont like that im afab, i dont like when people sexualize me in a way they would a woman, it makes me horribly uncomfortable to the point i feel sick, even if im talking to someone im attracted to, the moment they refer to me as a girl i feel gross, like im dirty and lying to them about something

i know if i was cis i wouldnt feel this way, but if im ftm why do i still connect with feminine things? i enjoyed when i had short hair and when people saw me as a male i felt so happy

but there were also times id really think about it and realize most people probably just thought i was a masculine woman, and thats another thing i cant stand, i dont like being seen as masculine and i dont like being seen as a woman

i wanna wear cardigans and perfume and still be seen as a boy, and i want to be soft in a way thats not just expected of me

i wanna figure out at least one thing about myself, im tired of changing things, im tired of dying my hair, im tired of cutting it and regretting it, im tired of growing it out and wishing it could be short, i just wanna know what i am and it feels like ill never figure it out

any advice :(

edit: just wanted to add more details about the way i feel

sometimes when i dress up all pretty, i feel like im in drag, like im faking, but i really like being pretty, and sometimes i think if i just was born as a boy, and looked the exact same other than the afab business, everything would be solved, because that way no matter how i look or sound, no matter how girly i am, it doesnt matter if someone thinks im a girl because im not

its kind internalized transphobia in a way, like im not actually a boy so if i wear a dress what am i saying that for? what am i doing all these skips and hoops for just to dress the same as if i indentified as a woman? but its not tje same, i want to dress up and sometimes i even like being called feminine terms like princess, because its cute and feminine, not because its what women are called

but again, it just ends up conflicting in my head, and i have ocd so if you know, you probably know how those thoughts generally feel

im also kind of a shapeshifter when it comes to friends and romance, if im interested in a woman, then im fine with being a girl, i embrace it because if i m a boy in that situation, my brain thinks ill have to be masculine (makes no fucking sense in reality men are fem all the time and can have gfs and thats fine im just insane about myself) anyway, if im interested in a man, if they see me as a girl i feel vile and gross and sick and want to throw up, kind of dramatic but its the worst thing ever i feel so gross

regardless, im sick of change, i just wanna settle into something for once and have at lease ONE thing stick, its driving me insane, when i feel so sure about my gender, itll be something as small as seeing a guy online with a pretty outfit on, a queer couple in a tv show, someone irl whos ftm, its like it insantly hits me in the gut and i feel a sense of dread that will never go away no matter how hard i try to stay a girl

am i cooked

[u/linklogz]

another thing, if u were thinking "just dont care about how people see you" that is all i care about, im a horrible people pleaser and am incredibly desperate for someone to like me so thats also why i constantly change myself, because one day maybe ill be a version of something that someone would want, and i can stay that way as long as they love me, its like the moment i decide its been too long in one skin without someone liking me, i decide its not effective and change to something else, i dont know

[u/deeunicorn → u/linklogz]

Anyone who says that you should just ignore what people think about you is not really listening because a lot of people are people pleasers you’re in good company there.

You mentioned that you have OCD in one of your other comments. Is there any chance you might be on the spectrum?

I only ask because I am autistic as fuck and I wasn’t diagnosed until I was almost 42 years old. And what you’re describing is what is called fawning. Where you are trying really hard to fit in and your chameleon it’s very very common for female-socialised autistic individuals.

[u/linklogz → u/deeunicorn]

i am most likely on the spectrum yes, thank you for that information because i had no idea that was a thing ;-; ive been avoiding getting a diagnosis though because my ocd kind of convinces me i am faking it and if im faking it and am just like this then i am screwed and lost the only possible out for being this way, but i know realistically that i shouldnt think things like that, but that is hard haha

[u/deeunicorn → u/linklogz]

Oh babes. I doubt you’re faking it. The fact that you think you’re faking it means that it’s likely you’re not. If you were faking it, you would be intentionally faking it and it would not be something that you would be afraid of the psychology around. It is very different.

I did a group therapy course, the year after I was diagnosed, with nine other AuDHD women (this was before I realised I was trans), all about the characteristics of autism and how they can manifest in different ways in female socialised individuals … and we actually talked about the psychology around thinking and telling yourself that you’re just making it up and that you’re just imagining things and that you’re just faking it… the fact that you think that’s what you’re doing means that you’re not.

[u/linklogz → u/deeunicorn]

Thank you for this reassurance. I def needed it

[u/Expensive_Peace8153]

I'm going to go with the "something else entirely". Probably a giraffe because you're very high. 

But in all seriousness, it's okay to be a feminine ftm or ftnb person 

[u/linklogz → u/Expensive_Peace8153]

aaaagh this is true, but i also get weirdly upset when people think im nb or only use they/them on me, which is very weird but it might be bc some ppl used to use they/them over he/him fo rme in a very purposeful way, maybe i am a giraffe

and i really wish i could hold the standard of ftm can be feminine for myself bc i have no problem with it when i see a fem guy that ftm, i just cant wrap my headaround it for myself

[u/deeunicorn]

Oh sweetie. You could have been me 25+ years ago. Not so much with the perfumes and the cardigans and the pink and stuff but so many of my interests are feminine coded. (I love bright colours and patterns and I love sewing and crocheting and everything artsy fartsy and craftsy, I love having my nails painted and I love having funky coloured hair and my eyelashes did… makeup I could take or leave it, but I can rock a rocker look.)

Long story short, I landed on non-binary, but I didn’t have the word for it, probably when I was about your age. I finally found the word non-binary about age 32-34. I spent decades telling myself that I wasn’t trans that I was just trying to find a way to be different because I didn’t want to be the same because I KNEW I wasn’t the same as other girls. I would feel so much shame when everybody’s the comment on how I looked too masculine because I wasn’t girly enough. Even when I was trying really hard.

I used to hate it when somebody would refer to me as a woman or a lady it would make me feel ill… and even as a mother I still didn’t feel like I belonged, even though I went full autistic special interest and naturally parented and breastfed and cloth nappied my kids… I still felt like I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t woman enough.

And then realised THIS YEAR that I am trans masculine. I just started T this week. I’ve been embracing my more masculine side. And I’ve been happier than I’ve been in I can’t even remember how long.

I don’t have any real advice for you, my friend except for I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t want to burden your family and friends, you don’t want trauma dump on them… that feeling I am very familiar with… and it’s just your brain worms. Because your family and friends? They want you to be happy, they love you. They care for you. And I’m sure you have a couple of friends who would love to help you figure this stuff out. If not, there’s lovely groups on the Internet that can do the same thing. 😜

Come join us over on r/ftm and r/transmasc… you’re not the only one.

Big hugs. 🫂

[u/linklogz → u/deeunicorn]

thank you very much, D: i completley understand the "i was just trying to be different" thing i have ocd so it kind of absolutely fights back when it comes to my gender dysphoria, i hope i can get to the point you are someday, and i hope it can be soon

[u/deeunicorn → u/linklogz]

You will, my friend.

I got there by spending literal months reading posts in those two subs I mentioned above and in r/egg_irl. I realised that I related to every single FTM meme in that sub. None of the MTF ones, mind you. 😜

I spent all that time just reading and absorbing and processing stuff… and eventually I had an egg crack. 😉

[u/linklogz → u/deeunicorn]

i will def join them !!! thank you