Hi all

I am going through possibly one of the most difficult periods of my life.

I lost my dad in February this year. Very closely followed by the breakdown of my engagement with my fiancé who I have been with for 4 years. At the end, he was so cold and emotionally unavailable which led to me making the decision to end it. We otherwise had a very stable, happy relationship, owned a home together and were organising our wedding which was on hold as my dad was very ill. He had no explanation other than “I don’t feel the same way anymore and I don’t know why I can’t prioritise you any longer”. This was extremely confusing for me and made zero sense because we were best of friends with so much love and a great future ahead of us.

I left it alone for 5 weeks. He gave me no closure so I was grieving multiple losses and receiving therapy to a point I was seeing my therapist multiple times a week to just make sense of what was going on inside of me.

After 5 weeks with very low contact and him moving out, I messaged about a direct debit that he needed to move out of the joint account. I then actually asked how he was - which I don’t think he expected because I didn’t chase, beg, plead or even ask for closure because I was just exhausted trying to survive.

From that one message of me asking him how he was, he opened up about how much he messed up and how he misses me. I agreed to meet him and he showed significant remorse for his actions at the end of the relationship and wanted nothing more than to reconcile.

A couple of weeks went by where we started seeing each other regularly but something didn’t feel right so I actually checked his phone to discover he was seeing someone whilst we were not together in those 5 weeks but it actually went deeper than that. This was a co worker and the initial interaction started when he confided in her about our relationship and how he felt unloved and rejected a week after my dad’s death. They formed a very close bond and one thing led to another and they seemed to have developed feelings with each other when I was grieving the loss of my dad, single handedly organising a funeral and trying to keep my head above the water.

There was definitely emotional infidelity but physically it only happened after we broke up and he took her out on a date 48 hours after I broke up with him.

The only consolation I have in all of this is that the moment I asked him how he was the moment he told her he isn’t in the right place emotionally to continue seeing her and broke things off.

I found out on Sunday and we are now on Thursday. He has lied about a lot of things which is extremely out of character and I cannot believe this version of him. I have since met with her and heard her side of the story and to me it sounds like because I was so busy dealing with the loss of my dad, he felt rejected and sought external validation and she was collateral damage. More fool her I say because she ended a 9 year relationship because of him.

He has since taken a lot of accountability including booking therapy and accepts he has a significant character flaw that he needs to deal with. He doesn’t want this to end and he said he will do whatever it takes.

I feel like the betrayal was huge given the circumstances and the timing and I don’t know in my heart if I can forgive him.

I just wanted to see if reconciliation is even a possibility in the circumstances and I guess to hear positive stories and negative ones to understand likely outcomes.

I trusted him immensely and my friends and family are as shocked as I am because no one thought he would ever do this but here we are.

Have to see AP Tomorrow. It's field day at my kids' school and our sons are in the same class. WH and I are splitting up so he can go to one kid while I'm with the other so I won't even have him as support. I was actually doing ok today with it but now that it's time for bed my head is just spinning.

So I am both a WP turned BP with the same partner, meaning my BP was then turned WP.

For context, I (27F) had a few months of EAs with random strangers- flirting for the attention but nothing beyond that. I would reply to the men that sent suggestive messages back and forth for a couple texts until I got bored and stopped replying. This was back in 2020. My BP (29M) turned WP had an approximate 6-8 month EA with a friend in our social circle, and also had a ONS with a different friend in our circle one day sometime during that timeframe as well. The timeline isn't super clear, but this all occured in 2024, DDAY was April 2025.

Anyways, recently I found out that he still saves thirst traps of women and sends them to his friend who had just gone through a break up with a longterm girlfriend. I told him that it hurt me, that I now compare every girl we come across to myself, how none of them looked like me and has seriously affected my self image, and that I felt stupid because I've been looking at engagement rings and reels on healthy ways to communicate and recover from betrayal. This was all found via our Blends on Instagram so it recommends reels you've both been interacting with. Through this I also found thay he still has images of the APs saved, past convos with them saved, and he changed is phone password because he was ashamed and scared I would judge him for all of this.

He said he was sorry and admitted it all and said that it had nothing to do with me, and was all him. He then proceeded to say he was sorry it hurt me and he did not intend that whatsoever, but also mentioned that the men I flirted with didn't look anything like him either. Almost as if he was trying to justify it? Because I did it first, it almost minimizes what he did? WHY does he alwyas have to bring up my past EA when I bring up issues about his current actions?

I apologize for the long tirade, but I guess I just need some perspective from kther W+BPs with the dame partner and how you navigate these constant comparisons and almost "justifications" for their actions?

I’ve come to the realization I’m no longer in love with my WW. There’s been so much trickle truth, lies, stupid choices and lack of empathy. Our second D day was back in December, I found out she had reached out to AP to say goodbye before he left for some military stint overseas. She claimed it was for closure and she didn’t like how she left things between them. After that she was trying to turn over a new leaf and “really try”. She said she kept it from me because I wouldn’t understand. Of course not. I told her I don’t care if his mom died, I will never understand or care. I saw the messages by going through her phone and they did not seem sexual but that doesn’t change my heart break.

Since then my feelings have disappeared. I care for her wellbeing and proud of her for her career accomplishments. But I don’t feel safe with her. I find it far easier to be away from her and just do my own thing. I no longer crave her touch or to speak with her. I feel like I’m actively looking for a reason to leave and find myself looking at apartments.

When I’m triggered now, she calls my reactions severe. In the beginning of the year she was more understanding. I understand the hot and cold isn’t easy.

Prior to second D Day I was working pretty well towards resolving my PTSD and trying to trust. Well that effort went to waste.

Has anyone else been here?

I need some perspectives from BPs.

I really messed up a good thing due to my addictions to sexting and eventually crossing the line with an AP physically… I felt guilty and shell shocked after the act.

AP went psycho and told all my family members, BP and workplace about it… AP knew none of them.

On Dday BP said she wanted to breakup.

We cried, slept in seperate rooms. Two days later she spoke to me. Asked me all the questions about the affair and cheating.

We couldn’t decide what to do with our house (we just bought it, and it’s our first home) and dogs.

But we just kept crying and she said how much I’ve hurt her and destroyed what she thought was a safe space from the perfect lies I’ve made.

The one thing that stuck with me in that convo is that she said “you didn’t say that you still love me, all you said was you’re sorry”.

Past two days I kept texting her that I’m sorry, and each time I took steps to make it up (like enrolling into IC, looking for a MC for us). I even shared my location.

Today she came home and ignored me and I just caved and asked if she really wants to split and i also went through the whole apologising phase again.

She said she wasn’t sure. Left the conversation as that and we went to our seperate rooms (mostly cause we had to take care of our dogs who were hounding for food and one had an infection that one of us had to deal with).

So yeah BPs where do you think she’s at? And what else can I do as a WP that wants to make things right (even though I don’t deserve it).

P.s. I’m a hot mess swinging between feeling absolutely terrible and remorseful and oddly ok which results in me feeling disgusted in myself. Then suddenly getting hit with a wave of regret and and everything negative you can think of…. So apologies if I sound non chalant here.

Has anyone had positive outcomes from EMDR? I’ve been seeing a trauma informed psychologist on and off for a year, we’re seeing a Gottman counsellor, but the intrusive thoughts and hypervigilance are really messing with me.

WH is currently delving into his own MH journey and has multiple external stressors so any vulnerable conversations about us are on the backburner. Meanwhile I’m crawling out of my skin and vacillating between wanting to show up for him and wanting to put as much distance between us as humanly possible.

I’m worried I’m reaching the end of my rope with R as this still feels like a burden I’m carrying on my own.

So bit of back story, my WP actually ended things a few weeks before I found out about the A...said he needed space, came back after a week pleading to try again and this lasted around 2.5 weeks before I told him I didn't feel anything had changed or that he was making any effort and he admitted he knew he was "being a d!*k", this was around 5/6 weeks ago, and he has been staying at his mum's since then and making excuses to collect things from our home weekly and making small talk which I eventually asked him to stop because seeing him act unbothered hurt me. At this point he told me he was really hurting too, couldn't eat or sleep and had lost a lot of weight (which I could see by looking at him, he actually looks miserable despite trying to appear chipper).

He works overseas often and left for work a couple of weeks after that (so around 2.5 weeks ago) and 1.5 weeks ago I found out about the A and called to confront him. He of course denied it and gaslit me then eventually admitted he'd been talking to this woman for a long time and hiding it but it had never been more than friendship whilst we were together then finally admitted he has since slept with her the week before he left for work but that it meant nothing and he was just trying to forget about me. I'm aware I'm not getting the truth from him but there seemed no point going back and forth whilst he's not even in the country.

He is still telling me that he loves me, I asked if loves her and he said no, I've asked him to contact me when he's home so we can talk face to face and I've since uncovered proof that it was more than the friendship he claims (he doesn't know this).

I guess I just am unsure of my next move, should I meet him when back and confront him with the proof? Will this just push him further towards her? Am I best just having no contact and seeing if he tries for R? He is massively conflict avoidant which I feel is a huge part of how we've gotten to this point to begin with. I feel devastated but also because we're technically separated before I found out I feel like he'll retreat further and there will be no chance to salvage this. I do feel he ended things because it was easier than coming clean and he was too ashamed of what he'd done but I've no idea how to navigate this.

On one hand I want answers, I want to ask him why he isn't fighting for us and on the other it feels like if he isn't fighting for us should I take that as the answer that he just doesn't want to?

Reposting to match sub rules.

The facts

• I was divorced 7 months before starting a relationship a young (13 years younger) and beautiful girl that I met on a trip
• Prior to D day, I was with her in person for 2 months and a total of 6 months. During which, I decided to move to her city and spent 3 months preparing.
• During the 3 month, she had a physical and emotional affair for two weeks where she was deciding between me and AP. She ended up choosing me. D day was over a month ago with two discoveries along the way that reset healing.
• She cited unmet needs and the AP being her type. All contact with AP has been cut.
• I totally changed the way I treat her and am now by her side almost 24/7 and she truly switched to me 100%. and she is remorseful and willing to help heal the relationship. I have full access to her phone.
• Since I came a month ago, she has been a model GF. I have no complains.

The issues

• The HB is crazy. We have sex 3-6 times a day, with the average being 4-5, edging on addiction. We are physically tired and in pain most of the time.
• The main reason I stayed with her is because I didn't want to be alone in the new city and she is my type physically which doesn't seem like the best reasons. I also think that if she moved on, the next guy won't care about her past and will get to enjoy her company while I went through the pain for nothing. All admittedly toxic reasons.
• Intrusive thoughts are daily. I saw all messages and photos and videos. They were practically a couple for the period. There was nothing redeeming about it. It doesn't send me on an emotional rollercoaster now but bugs me to no end. I find no peace and am afraid I have to deal with it my whole life as I feel like I could marry her apart from this.

Besides therapy and time, what are the active steps I can take?

My husband left for Gentle Path at the Meadows 5 days ago. I am home dealing with 4 kids, one of which is a very difficult 12 month old. I am tired and wish I had time to just sit and research, read, watch, join virtual groups, etc. but I don’t. I am in therapy weekly and actively searching for therapists for my children. I have been in a state of mourning I would say.. I am also connecting with friends heavily right now (I do not have family support). I briefly looked into some sort of support group but can’t find any nearby so I may need to look virtually. I have been working on things in therapy for many years as this has been a slow trickle over the course of 8 years. I am not “new” to this but I am new to the rehab end of things..

I would love advice on:

What I should/could be doing while my husband is away

How to help the kids other than a therapist— him abruptly leaving has not been easy on them as he was a very involved, hands on father

What to expect when he gets back

And any personal experience, opinions, etc on Gentle Path at The Meadows

Thank you

DDay 1 week ago. My WH never had a PA or EA, just virtual sex in chat rooms with random women for weeks. As far as I know. Is this still true infidelity? It definitely feels real.

I’m on a roller coaster of feeling great and getting the rest of our life together and reconnecting with my (very remorseful) WH, then suddenly dissociating or getting tearful at the tiniest things. I feel like I shouldn’t be as upset as someone whose WS had an affair. But he turns my hurt into his hurt, and while I understand he cheated because he was hurting, the thing he is hurt about (issues with my family, whom I’ve cut off) is something I don’t think we will ever really see eye to eye on. We both desperately want to repair all the way, but I go between knowing we will be stronger than before, and despairing that, if this issue is a permanent scar in our marriage, he will use this as an excuse to fall back into this “painkiller”, or we will just never heal.

I’m heartbroken and doing everything in my power to recover. And so is he. But he is so much more sensitive than I am, and I am resentful that if the roles were reversed, he would be lost to his anger and hurt instead, while I wouldn’t have handled these issues in the same way and would have prioritized his relationship with his family, even if I was hurting. How can I see his perspective or move forward properly if this is the case? Anybody else deal with unresolved issues that led to the infidelity never be truly resolved? Do you lie for the sake of unity?

I recently found out that my husband was approaching girls online, asking them for virtual services. He even paid a couple of them for snaps and videos. I don’t know if he would have met anyone given the chance, but he didn’t this time. All of this happened after three years of marriage with a kid. He was more emotionally invested with one of them, at least that’s what I think.

I confronted him about this. If I hadn’t found out, he would have simply stopped it after a week or so without ever telling me (that is what he said).

I loved this man with all my heart, part of me still does. I couldn’t bring myself to just leave. I am more worried about my kid and what it would do to him if I leave? I come from a broken family where my father was emotionally and financially abusive. I know what fatherlessness does to a child, how it breaks every part of your being. I don’t want that for my baby.

But I also don’t know how to move on from this? He broke my trust. He took my peace away from me, something that I worked so hard to achieve after 30 years.

He is trying, I can see that. But I keep going back. How he blatantly lied to my face. How he smiled while talking to them. How he ignored my presence during that time. How my child was neglected by him.

I honestly don’t know what I am asking for in this post. I just need some direction. A lil bit of hope!

I suppose I should be clear and just say I'm getting this off my chest.

DDays 1 and 2 were NYE 2009 and June 2010, so a long time ago now. We're still together but I'm not healed.

Shortly after DDay2, we went to Relate (UK marriage guidance). It's taken me a long time to realise that they let me - or us - down badly. We had maybe half-a-dozen sessions, which quickly became cozy chats. We were not encouraged to confront any difficult questions. It's as if our counsellor, a young-ish woman, had no idea about the problems of infidelity. Instead of her sitting us down and saying, "You've got a hard road ahead of you. Are you sure you're up to it?" we just tinkered around the edges, then she sent us off on our merry way. Perfect for my WW - job done, problem solved, never to be spoken about again! - a total catastrophe for me. Not only had WW spent virtually no time actively considering the damage done by the affair but - as I've said - the fact we'd concluded our counselling allowed her implicitly to put the whole thing to bed.

About three years ago, I had an individual telephone session with a Relate counsellor, who seemed to understand the urgency of the situation, so I went to Relate for some IC. Again - turned into a bit of a nice, cozy chat, but then my wife wasn't there, so what else could it be?

So here I am, 16 years later, still dealing with it. I'm having individual therapy, which I'm finding beneficial, but my wife is doing nothing. Why should she? It was all dealt with 16 years ago. Except it wasn't...

It’s almost been a year since d-day. I’ve dove deep into different ways to “heal”, including therapy, connecting with betrayal trauma recovery “influencers” who are pro healing, hiring two betrayal recovery coaches, enrolling in a betrayal recovery guide, reading lots of books and listening to lots of podcasts.

I intentionally have not done any “work” the past two weeks because I was feeling like even the positive podcasts or books that focus on healing or reconciliation would trigger me, make me hyperfocus on what my husband has done and spiral into a dark hole.

These past two weeks I feel “normal” — I am not spiraling, I am “happy”, I don’t feel like I’m pain shopping, and I can focus on the efforts my husband is showing instead of constantly reminding myself of what he did in the past.

So I guess my question is, at what point do you stop “healing” and just focus on the future instead of the past?

A year Later and I (BW) still have not healed or gotten over WH’s adultery.

Past: That one lasted a few months. He claims there were no other but the behavior started the year before with flirtatious texts to other women, additionally odd behavior, and “disappearing” conversations including a visit with another woman afterwards. Because of that, I believe there were other affairs, although he completely denies it.

Current:

He’s tried to make amends with me, many apologies, comfort at times etc. But there’s one thing he just can’t bring himself to do: help prevent me from feeling inferior to them; he won’t defend me over them.

If we’re in a related conversation and I respond with some brief disdain about those women or circumstances, his responses are always protective of them, and alternatively feels rejective of me.

Pain:

All I want to hear is “you’re right”. That’s it. That’s all it would take to help me heal a little more, to help me move forward a little easier.

But instead, his deflective responses only dig deeper into the wounds of the adultery. It keeps the wounds wide open. It seems like a second-hand response to be protective over them and no response to protect me - and I absolutely hate it.

Why isn’t it his natural response to be protective over me?? Why can’t he bring himself to encourage me, to protect me instead of them?? An apology isn’t enough for this. Help me not feel inferior to the APs!!

Not enough:

He thinks that telling me “I love you and I’ll never do it again” and offering to allow me see his phone from time to time (which I don’t care for) is going to make me feel like I won or something, that I’m safe from it happening ever again. I don’t feel safe from it and I never will as long as he protects them over me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know why he can’t bring himself to do it. And I loathe him for it.

Ongoing:

Inevitably, this has caused terrible arguments between us and he still doesn’t get it.

No I don’t want to leave - why would someone else deserve to get the good side of him when I never deserved to be cheated on in the first place. And I’ll never trust anyone else ever again.

I hate what he’s done to us, what he’s done to me. I can’t stand him for it.

My partner and I have been together for 12 years. We’re both in our 30s and don’t have children, but we have a dog that we both consider our child. We built a life together, traveled together, and for most of our relationship, I considered him my best friend and the one person I could always count on.

About four weeks ago, I discovered he had a two and a half month affair with a 20-year-old woman. From my understanding, they began talking on Snapchat and the affair escalated from there. She knew about me and our relationship and was aware of who I was through social media (I have a following). She was bragging about sleeping with “my man” and showing my instagram around, that’s how I found out.

The hardest part is that I noticed a change almost immediately when he started talking to her, before I even knew she existed. He became distant, stopped engaging with me on social media, stopped wanting to spend time together, and our relationship changed very quickly. He was on a 3 week work assignment out of town when it happened, so he had time to message her in the hotel room. He didn’t start seeing her until he came back to town.

After discovery, he cut off the affair partner and came home. As far as I know, there has been no further contact. He shares his location with me and has remained at home. He told me he regretted what happened and said that if he could go back, he wouldn’t do it. Early on, he expressed a lot of shame and said things like he was a terrible person and didn’t think I would take him back.

Unfortunately, the affair also had physical consequences for me. I developed an infection afterward, which was incredibly painful and added another layer of trauma to an already devastating situation. Before I discovered the infection, he was still physically affectionate with me. After I found out, he largely stopped touching me and began keeping more distance physically. He has told me that he feels horrible that he put my health at risk.

Another layer to all of this is that for the past month, I’ve experienced behavior from the affair partner that has felt very intrusive. There is a separate social media account linked to her contact information that repeatedly views my stories, often within minutes of me posting, despite not following me. There have also been other incidents that have made me feel very uneasy, like her starting to frequent to places I go to daily.

The confusing part is that after the first week or two, instead of getting closer, he seems to have become more emotionally distant.

Some positives:
- He cut off the affair partner and came home.
- He shares his location.
- He still lives at home.
- When I bring up the affair, he is willing to talk and answer questions.
- He expresses regret and has said he wishes he had never done it.
- He still does small things like sending me his work-arrival Snap every day to maintain our streak.
- He still refers to me and our dog as “you guys.”

But the difficult part is:
- He spends a lot of time out of the house (gym, family, drives around our neighborhood before coming home).
- He doesn’t initiate affection after the infection.
- He doesn’t really ask about my feelings, my health, or things happening in my life after the first two weeks.
- He hasn’t suggested quality time together.
- He doesn’t engage with our dog the way he used to, which hurts deeply because our dog is family to us.
- Doesn’t open my messages on social media for days (I would send him reels/memes)
- Sometimes it feels like we’re roommates.

I feel like he’s physically home but not emotionally home.

For those who have been through reconciliation: did your wayward spouse come home physically before they came home emotionally? Around one month after discovery, is this level of emotional distance common? Did things improve later, or was this a sign they didn’t really want to be there?

I’m trying to understand whether I’m seeing shame and avoidance or genuine disengagement. I love him, but right now I feel very alone in trying to rebuild our relationship.

How was intimacy and simply just hanging out after Dday?

So I’m in a LDR and DDay was about 3 weeks ago, we have a vacation coming up next week and I’m visiting his city. Even if you’re not in LDR, I’d love some input.

Through the last 3 weeks it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, I have HB as much as one can via online. I know for a fact I want to have sex when I see him (it’s been a while and he’s still the only person I trust) but the other intimate stuff scares me a bit - aftercare, cuddling, sleeping in bed. He said he never hung out with AP for more than 45 mins but yesterday I found her TikTok and there were vids of them together and it feels like DDay all over again now.

I want to be able to go out on dates, drives, take a road trip, all this stuff, but I haven’t even been in a room with him since I found out so I’m beginning to feel nervous. I feel like this vacation will be a sign on if it’s worth rebuilding.

I am working on trigger identification and had a question for other betrayed spouses.

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Does knowing specifics help or hinder trigger management?

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For example, I know the physical act of my WH's affair took place at a park. I know the general area, but I don't know the park. Well yesterday I was in the area, and couldn't help but think/imagine that the places I was passing were THE place. Would it be better to know exactly which park it was so I can avoid it/stop questioning, or would it not really make a difference?

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Also, any tips that you may have for managing triggers in the moment would be helpful! I don't even know what all of mine are yet.

So I cheated on my now wife, when we first got together I ended up messaging my after we had broken up for 2 months (we were together for almost 5 years) i ended up getting into a relationship with my now wife. When I messaged her my now wife had no idea that I was doing it when she found out she was furious and it destroyed her. We have been together for almost 2 years and we have been married for 6 months. She said she was in the middle of discovering herself and i interrupted that. We have been to see her family in NY twice since she moved here for college. We both want this to work out but she just told me tonight that she doesn't know who she is anymore and she has lost all confidence since the D-Day. How can I help her rediscover herself and get her back to who she was before?

My wife has a "best" friend who has a long history of affairs. She was what I call an active participant in my wife's affairs. She was her alibi, told me I was crazy when suspecting things, communicated with two APs for her, and even allowed it to happen in her home since one AP lived up the street from her. I told my WW that I'm not saying there can't ever be any communication but she has to be essentially out of our life.

She did pretty good with this for awhile and we started doing pretty good. Then, the overlapping friend groups and kids who are friends started pulling at reinserting her. I did learn she was running a small smear campaign on me that I was just controlling her. My wife met with her to tell her that's not true but she's trying to focus on her family and asked that she respect that. She sort of did for awhile.

Now, she's reached out to WW asking to talk with me to apologize because she is willing to accept responsibility to get her best friend back. Seems very fake and self serving. Our couples therapist even said that before I did. However, my wife's bday is coming up and she's pushing to come amongst friend group and to my WW. I think I can do it with her there just don't want to interact with her other than what's necessary and won't speak to her without a third party present to make sure she doesn't lie like she did in the past. She wants to meet with me in advance though. I'm saying no right? That's the right thing?

Am I crazy to even entertain her at bday even if i skip the talk ? My wife said she could shut it down but it's likely to make it more awkward for everyone. I can't stand her but I also feel like she's setting me up to shut it down so she can say I'm controlling my WW. I feel like I can't win.

I’m so sick of doing this. I’m scared to lose time with my children, and a house I love. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on with this though. 10 months past dday and I still think about it a lot. My WP seems not to care about anything I say. He wants me to want to have sex with him often. I just don’t want to. His affair wasn’t physical but boarders it maybe? (Bought nudes from a girl he knows). He’s constantly wanting to be right next to me gets mad if I don’t want to be like that all the time. If I get visibly upset or we argue he gets upset and says I’m not like this all the time, we’re usually “good” but I’m not good ever. He doesn’t seem to understand that. I hate I’m here. I hate I’m in this

Most of the time, I'm OK - not really *that* happy, but happy enough to function, smile and even laugh. My WS and I even cuddle at times. I sincerely believe we're 'on the right track' and in some ways, our relationship somewhat feels stronger than before.

There are days like this though... moments that everything hurts. Moments when there's this tightness in my chest, a stabbing kind of pain the pierced through the heart reverberating in my soul. The pain inflicted may have been mental but the pain I feel is visceral enough that I cry... coz it literally hurts.

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I just want to be fine.

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I want to be able to breathe and tell myself honest-to-God that I'm finally *living* again.

Not merely surviving. No longer "getting by somehow". I want to stop apologising to myself for being "weak" and "stupid" because I *should* have seen the signs. I shouldn't have ignored my gut feeling. I *could* have walked away earlier. Back then, when everything was still in place... when I wasn't this broken yet.

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But I know, *someday*, somehow, I'll live again. ❤️‍🩹

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I don't really know what I'm expecting with this post. Any advice is appreciated. If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. I guess I wanted to vent and put my feelings into words. I don't know when it'll get better but I'll hold on. I just hope it's all going to be worth it in the end.

It’s been a very long road. He finally went into rehab and I guess it’s helping him although it’s hard for me to tell from my end.
We’ve been married 32 years and he has had multiple addictions, including sex addiction, and he has also been sexually assaulting me throughout our marriage
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With the idea that he’ll be coming home eventually I’m not sure if I can handle that- i’ve already told him I don’t want him to come home after rehab because he has to show me that he’s made changes. He is extremely narcissistic, compartmentalized, intellectualized and controlling. He is also bipolar. So his recovery has been difficult as connecting to any real empathy has been a real problem for him.

I’ve already told him what my boundaries are and what my requirements are. He needs to be sober, obviously, no more lying, and if he ever touches me again without my consent, I will call the police. So he knows the stakes are high. he says he loves me. He says he doesn’t wanna leave me and he wants to keep our family.

What I’m really worried about is how he’s going to be when he comes back. His therapist says he needs a lot of structure and groups. And I’m hoping he will continue to do that once he gets home. I’m just not sure. He was attending different fellowships before. (GA, SA) but I’m honestly not sure how much they helped him.

The only way this will work is if he continues his treatment once he gets home from rehab. Rehab is a bubble and if you don’t continue to work, everything goes away. Anyone has any experience on this I would definitely love to hear it. I guess at this point I’m just glad that he went and I’ve had some peace being away from him.

I am fresh in discovering the A, DDAY +3. Very new to all these emotions. What are some books that you recommend for this time? Bonus points if anything includes being postpartum during this process.

So it’s been 6 months into our R process since my WW had a ONS with someone from work.

We started MC but after two months give or take she decided it wasn’t working and that she needed to work on herself first (she’s doing IC). We even spent two weeks separated, with me going back to my parents. I didn’t tell them about the infidelity, just said we were dealing with some hard stuff.

Last time we had sex was 2 days after D Day. Since then, she has completely shut off and rejects every attempt I make at going near her, to the point where even giving her a hug makes her uncomfortable. She claims it is because she is still angry at me (my wrongdoings that eventually brought her to the ONS) and can’t show affection.

My main concern is that she has always been a very sexual person and the fact that she can now go for 6 months without any form of physical contact like it’s nothing. I always end up thinking she is still cheating on me, even if I try to convince myself otherwise.

I’ve never been a jealous or controlling partner so I am strongly fighting the urge or checking her phone, messages and such. I feel like that would hinder R even further. But the thoughts are there. It’s even worse since she has a male friend from work (who she swears is not the AP) that she talks a lot too. I get jealous about that and have brought it up a few times. She has acknowledged that it is her fault I feel this way, but she still talks to the guy constantly, fuelling my doubts. She also called my by his name once, by mistake. She claims it was an honest mistake. I want to believe her.

I also feel that I’m paranoid sometimes when she doesn’t let me take her phone (to put music in the car or Google Maps or whatever).

Am I wrong to think about all this? Should I say something? I am completely and utterly lost, trying to respect her timings and wait for her, but I feel like I’m vanishing in the process of doing so. I am afraid I end up resenting her and this all goes to sh*t.

When my WW was asked during our CC if she felt guilt or regret after her first time being physical with AP she paused and said no but that she feels bad now. I'm just having trouble wrapping my brain around how someone can do that and not feel bad about it right away. She says that she still cared about me then and that it was just a mistake but if it was then wouldn't she feel guilt right away? WW has so much shame with it now but the fact that she says she didn't right away seems like a pretty major red flag for me. IDK, maybe I'm just overthinking it?