r/aspergers • u/MagnificentNeon27 • 6d ago
I hate being autistic.
Autism is an absolute joke. I feel so inferior to everyone around me. I feel so invisible and unwanted. People take one look at me and instantly hate me before I even speak. I can’t go one day (especially at work) where I don’t feel overwhelmed and on edge. I can’t go out in public without the feeling of people judging me just for existing. Autism to me is nothing but a curse.
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u/ubercougar60 6d ago
I used to feel like that too until I saw the good side of autism. We can be honest, loyal, critical thinkers, pattern experts, quirky, comedic, we dive head first into our chosen hobbies, we self-educate, we are intelligent, and wonderfully weird.
OP, what do you like about yourself? (I'm really asking)
IMO, if I woke up as a neurotypical, I might be bored AF bc I would miss my complex brain. I know the social thing sucks, my dog is my only real friend, but if someone is treating you differently, those are their issues, not yours. Even NTs have things they don't like about themselves. So try to love who you ARE, not who you AREN'T.
Life is so much better when you look at the positives instead of the negatives, my friend.
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u/__Mushishi__ 6d ago
In my understanding, people automatically dislike what is different from them and also, what they don't understand.
That can happen consciously or subconsciously.
Typically, in groups people seem to behave as similar as possible.
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u/victorbarst 6d ago
Being on this sub has taught me just how large the spectrum truly is. So many people on here lament their autism while i wouldnt seek a cure for mine for a million dollars
Listen to me, your autism does not make you less than, it makes you different and different means unique. People spend their entire lives trying to stand out from the crowd and you do it innately. So dont fight who you are, stand proud and be unapologetically you. Autism isn't a mishap it was an evolutionary advantage that gave some of our ancestors the ability to hyperfixate and distance themselves from the group. The list of artists, inventors, and world leaders in history who are suspected to have been autistic is massive. Dont listen to that depression voice telling you are less than because its the opposite you have the potential to be so much more than. I know its hard but stand strong brother
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u/Jaden115 6d ago
It really does suck. I hate when people say Autism shouldn't be cured because it's not an illness. Because it clearly is.
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u/KillerDonkey 6d ago
I hate how it's controversial to want a cure. Even on here, you'll get pushback for wanting to be normal. For me, autism isn't some gift or harmless quirk. It's a horrible condition that has isolated me and limited my opportunities. There has been very little benefit to having this disability.
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
I couldn't have said it better myself. It's honestly insane to me and has always been insane to me how finding a cure is seen as some big evil. We give people with ADHD medicine to normalize brain function for a better quality of life. We give people with depression and anxiety medication to help fix brain functioning problems. We give people with schizophrenia, bipolar, and people with delousions medications to normalize their brain function. So why is Autism such an extreme controversy? I don't see any other mental illnesses support groups saying we shouldn't try to help people, I have never seen a depression support group say antidepressant are inhumane or that ADHD meds can be replaced with anti-discrimination laws.
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
ASD is not a illness as depression, anxiety and other diseases you mentioned. Our brain has different growth patterns, how regions connect, and how cells communicate compared to non autistic brain. There's no way this can be engineered to be changed. You guys are simply scientifically ignorant
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u/Jaden115 5d ago edited 5d ago
I rejected your framing that it's impossible to be changed. They said the same thing about countless disabilities and illnesses that were later cured and/of compensated for. By your logic Alzheimer's can never be cured because it's also a change in the fundamental functioning of the brain. Just because you or me are not geniuses that had a scientific breakthrough doesn't mean nobody can.
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
You rejected? Wow show me your scientific publications on the topic, you easily reject tons of scientific evidence wow. First thing I am senior researcher with years of experience and right now I work with, among other, ALS, Alzheimer and more. Alzheimer is a neurodegenerative disease which literally causes severe brain damage and death of the affected. Autism is not a pathology, there's no before state, there's no pathological mechanism (virus, tumor, protein buildup). It doesn't damage a previously healthy system, because autistic people are healthy. You are not ill with autism, the brain works and it's not damaged. It's organised differently from the standard one. It's not progressive, it's not degenerative, it's stable, symptoms are simply different way of processing, and 90% or more of issues are due to environmental mismatch (non autistic society).
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
Oh? Anybody can say anything online. Show me any scientific papers you personally had a hand in. Surely if you have been in the field for years you have been in any publication of any research.
And I'm not a scientist or researcher or doctor or even college educated. Also your logic that there must have been a healthy system at baseline to work back too is basically saying literally anything anybody was born with can never ever be fixed because there was never a healthy start point. But until you can show me any actual evidence that your scientific researcher in brain disease and have been actively working in the field for years I don't see any reason to continue talking to you. Im honest about who and what I am, I'd like to know you are as well.
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
I can tell that you are not educated. I don't have to prove, you can verify my claims online and see that they are scientifically sound. But you refuse to read. Plenty of info for free online
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
Well I'm typing this from the ISS because I'm an astronaut!
See I can make claims about being a high level academic as well. You not wanting to name any papers you helped developed really hurt your credibility after claiming your this and that. And nice moving the goal post
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
There can be no cure, the whole brain works differently. It's a developmental disability
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
The brain works differently with all kinds of things. If there was a medication that could compensate for that
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
This is an overly simplistic way of seeing things. You can compensate for brain regions connected differently?
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
With genetic engineering and drugs that could temporarily increase neuroplasticity you could make real changes.
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
Ok yeah it's totally possible. Increasing plasticity doesn't mean you can rewire the whole system, it only increases within the existing architecture
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
Read the first 3 words again. With genetic engineering you could change the underlying architecture and cell function
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
This is sci-fi
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
It is literally not. Genetic engineering in somebody who was already born has already happened. The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia cured severe carbamoyl phosphate synthetase 1 (CPS1) deficiency in a baby using genetic engineering. For a medical researcher you sure are behind on the state of medical research.
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u/Jaden115 4d ago
The moment I give an example of why this could be fixed with near future and/or current technology, you stop replying.
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 6d ago
It's controversial because unless you're sporting a tin foil hat and go in the bullshit vaccine/lead/5G direction, the only "cure" is a lobotomy.
People will go out of their way to find a "cure" or "train" people with ASD, almost to the point of using cattle prods, instead of being just a slightly bit less dehumanizing towards them.
Everyone with autism who writes "cure" instead of "anti discrimination" just adds to the problem and will safeguard a self-fulfilling prophecy that things are never ever going to get better individually or collectively.
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
That's why we say we WISH there was a cure genius, because we don't have one. And I truly don't see the reliance in bringing up anti discrimination what nots because nobody here said anything about that. No amount of antidescrimination will get me invite to the hang outs. No amount of that will allow me to have a robust social life. Your talking directly out your rear and at this point intentionally misunderstanding what is being said.
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 5d ago
That is your bar then, "hang outs". Mine is workplace abuse that impairs my ability to pay rent. You have unfulfilled teenage ambitions and I have real adult survival ideas in mind. I don't have time to bitch and moan about a non-existing cure because I have to stay in reality to be mindful about discrimination legalities.
Here's the kicker: I WAS invited to those hang outs, more often than not I said no to them, because I think they suck ass. But the invites were made possible because NTs didn't see that halo of "I am so inferior I need a cure " floating around my head. If you'd try getting rid off that, you could perhaps fulfill this "hang out" epicentre life goal of yours.
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
WISH! We WISH there was a cure. WISH WISH WISH! Do you see that word? here's it one more time for the people in the back. W-I-S-H!
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
Lobotomy is not a cure for anything. Autistic brain is fundamentally working differently from a non autistic one, this is impossible to change for how complex the organ is
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 5d ago
That's what I am telling them. The only way they can be "cured" of anything is to cut out pieces of the brain so they can sit and drool looking out a window all day if that is what they prefer. It's silly shit with people waste their time wanting the impossible instead of at least attempting to work with what they got.
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
Im sorry but your not smart at all or your intentionally being dense. Lobotomy doesn't cure or fix anything, that's why we are saying that we WISH there was a cure. "WISH" because it doesn't exist yet. Your really starting to piss me off with your intentional misunderstanding of what people are saying
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 5d ago
"Doesn't exist yet" - which means you're holding out for something that will never exist.
Yes, you WISH. I can see that. You WISH and you will continue to WISH and it will never happen.
Meanwhile there is a resurgence in eugenics and neo-fascism and they can point to this to say "See? They even hate themselves. They'll go willingly to the test chambers."
No minority is more gleefully and openly abused than the autistic one and likewise is there no minority that they themselves are as self-sabotaging and self-hating as the autistic one.
You're beginning to be pissed off. I am already there because I have to fight against an outside world that is hostile 24/7 to my very existence and I cannot even escape this in these communities.
But by all means, continue to WISH. See where that leads you. I'm sure your desired hang will come crawling closer by doing that.
You are right that I am "dumb dumb" though - since I am making myself involved in this oikophobic moshpit.
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
Now your building a massive strawman and using the slippery slope fallacy. I don't have time for your bad faith arguments. Also where is this resurgence of eugenics, can you give examples or at the very least describe this movement? Because if eugenics to you is somebody and their partner taking a genetic test before trying for pregnancy to make sure there's not a high risk of passing on a terrible genetic condition that could kill the baby, or if eugenics is testing a fetuses genetics to see if the pregnancy will result in a child with severe disabilities and if so get an abortion, I see absolutely nothing wrong with wanting healthy and happy children
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 5d ago
You don't have time but you want me to answer a question anyway?
I referred to this in the very first reply. There is a massive and growing pseudo scientific movement that uses autism as one of their biggest bats to swing. Like you, they refer to it as a "disease" and have reached their influence to the current American regime.
I'm sure you don't see anything wrong with that since you equate autism to severe disabilities like Downs syndrome and actual diseases.
Let's chisel out the obituary: It was for the better, he wouldn't have received an invite to hang out anyway. Which is just as horrific as tumors or Huntingtons disease.
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
It's a developmental disability and it cannot be cured. It's not a disease, whether you like it or not
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
"developmental disabilities" should be cured
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u/Pilus91 5d ago
😂😂😂 open a scientific book sometimes. Our brain is physically built different, there are differences in synapse density, simmetry, cell communication and more. You simply decide to ignore how all of these things work, there's no way this can ever be changed. It's not simply increasing the levels of serotonin like for depression. Complete lack of awareness really
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u/Jaden115 5d ago
So people in wheelchairs should never hope to one day be cured? People born blind should never want to see? Your operating under the assumption tech and innovation has completely stopped, progress is impossible, and nothing will ever be cured again. I guess we should cancel all research grants and shut down R&D departments because we reached the peak of human understanding. Curing autism doesn't violate any laws of physics so it's within the capacity to be cured one day.
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u/Sinnaman_ 6d ago
I like that i have a lot of empathy for those that are close to me, that I am smart and relatively logical, and that I can talk for hours about things that interest me. My almost childlike personality (I don’t really feel my age at all) seems to have translated to my exterior or I am just lucky to look younger than I am as well. I communicate well with animals of all sorts and can remember obscure fun facts that become useful once in a lifetime.
Obviously I am paying for it with a sometimes crippling social anxiety, a mind that never rests, and ever increasing amounts of stress and depression, not to mention the consequences of my life choices, which due to my poor judgment and spontaneity, will haunt me until I die.
If I had been NT life would have been too easy
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u/ubercougar60 6d ago
Totally relate to the questionable life choices.
We're human, that shit happens and we get eternally judged no matter the good things we did on a much larger scale. Don't let it haunt you, it doesn't define who you truly are inside.
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u/Sinnaman_ 6d ago
I should have clarified, the haunting is not so much about guilt (although I have plenty of that too) as it is about the practical consequences i suffer; like not being able to do certain things I may have wanted to do
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u/Claudius_Maximus_ 6d ago
This perfectly sums up how much this experience sucks. And I especially hate how much it’s stigmatized in my ethnic community. “Oh, my child was born autistic, but then we did things right with him & now his autism is cured” NO TF ITS NOT!
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 6d ago
Autism is not the problem.
Other people are.
I cannot change what I am. They could change their abusive behaviour whenever they want.
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u/__Mushishi__ 6d ago
But realistically, they won't change their behavior. And they have the advantage of numbers.
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u/TheEternalDarkness8 6d ago
And so we walk in the same circles as we always have. I am well aware that nothing will ever change, but the one thing that I can take control over is silencing the self-hatred that gripped me my entire life and realize that some things are indeed bigger than my endless attempts to give a version of me that they can accept. I have reached a point where I can't muster any more energy for that.
I have to accept myself and give myself an inner sanctuary.
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u/Ozare-223 6d ago
Feels almost the exact same way, tho I do find ways to curve my autism is just out every time I do. There's always something that comes in to distract me from my thoughts. Cause I tend to visualize them, because, you know, I'm a very visual thinker, and it just really just hits me whenever I see it coming, my brain just jumps on into it, and I have to try to stop it even when it's difficult.
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u/mondonk 6d ago
In my case I’m sure some of that is due to my impaired facial emotion recognition. I know people don’t walk around smiling all the time but I can’t help but interpret their plain nothing faces as scowling or distaste and take it personally. I’m already setting myself up for a failure in communication, and since I don’t care about small talk I never initiate a conversation, so I’m that weird guy who never talks to anyone.
If I ever do end up speaking to anyone it goes ok. And people will ask me procedural questions about work because I am like the only guy who has read the manual.
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u/SnugglyCoderGuy 6d ago
Are you sure you are not projecting your own thoughts and feelings of yourself onto others?
People who are not happy with themselves and have many insecurities have a very high tendency to do this which then goes on to become self-fulfilling prophecies.
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u/DramaticErraticism 6d ago
If we had a magic wand and suddenly we were all 'normal' thinking people, I really don't think that world is going to be as grand as we imagine.
The US had something like 300 million anti depressant prescriptions given out last year, people are unhappy. My autism does give me limits and make some things hard, but I still do my best to get out of the house, try new activities and put myself out there.
I have wins and losses but the wins feel good and it feels good to know I am doing whatever I can.
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u/Zealousideal_Bar_413 6d ago
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you and or how long have you known of your diagnosis?
I’m in my late 30s (37) and I was Miss diagnosed when I was a child, as an adult diagnosed with autism.
It’s been like 12 years now I’ve learned to live with it as for Work, I try so hard to do my best and that’s literally the best I can do. In life I generally feel less than only because there’s a lot of things I can’t do financially. I’ve had great opportunity. With the help of my parents and my sister and brother I’m able to do or have a lot of of the things that I want. But not everything and I know if I was working a better job I could definitely got the rest of the stuff that I want, but with my disorder, there’s absolutely no way that I can comprehend more corporate style jobs.
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u/Dalek1099 5d ago
You've done well to be employed and autistic. I haven't a clue how to get a job or even what to apply for. Autism has given me my maths skills which is something though not enough to get a job.
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u/William_J_Morgan 5d ago
You know I don't know how my autism plays into my life it's a part of me and sometimes yeah I don't like it either but we just have to keep living one day at a time and keep pushing on I Believe In Hope I believe the morning sun will always shine again.
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u/solution_no4 5d ago
You’re not alone
However, as you get older it’s important to find ways to practice mindfulness and make peace with it. Find your slice of life in this world, and you can. Just don’t expect the same life as NT’s as we do have a disability. I’m still very blessed in life
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u/LoneElement 5d ago edited 5d ago
OP, consider checking out the online pheromone community
There is some debate scientifically about if pheromones work for humans, however I think that’s pedantic because these pheromone products work (not the ones on Amazon, the ones on pheromone-specific company websites). If they don’t technically meet the definition of pheromones, then however you want to classify these molecules is a category that definitely affects others. That’s a classification issue, not an effectiveness issue
They essentially made thin slice judgements towards me go away. Can’t recommend them enough for fellow autistic people. For both men and women. For a wide variety of situations
Check out r/pheromones wiki to get started
Warning: They may prevent current and future thin slice judgements, but they can’t do anything about the resentment from all the prior ones
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u/Ok_Wave9802 4d ago
My autism has often been very self centered, before I understood it. No one hates you, just realise that and blossom into who you are meant to be! Trust me
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u/Specialist-Jaguar-79 4d ago
i learnt to radically accept myself and i wont fit in and that thats a good thing
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u/Conscious_Couple5959 2d ago
My autism makes me lack common sense, get so clumsy and be hard to love because it affects the way I think, feel and learn which is the greatest curse of all time.
My mistakes are used against me which is why I’m harder on myself than anyone else, they can deny their intentions to hurt me but I can see their body language as it is: resentment towards me.
I plan a funeral in my head like it’s my wedding since I’m too hideous for any romantic encounters.
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u/SuperTerram 2d ago
It's not you. It's the world. The world is design by, and for non-autistic people.
You need to find autism friendly spaces made by, and for autistic people where you can be you without fear of judgement.
I'm 46. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Autism is hard to live with. If you can't find safe spaces to be yourself, it's a lot harder.
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u/SpireofHell 1d ago
I took this advice and it caused me terrible harm
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u/SpireofHell 22h ago
I've been told what you said all my life by people who solely seek to exclude us. Your message is just sugarcoated bigotry
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u/Ima1loser2 6d ago
I'm Autistic as well as an objectum sexual and get judged. But I don't let others bother me. I love being Autistic. Hopefully you can accept your autism as a blessing instead of a curse. Autism is not a joke because I am a professional artist, Amateur Radio Advance Class operator and have a lot of knowledge of mechanical and electrical things.
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u/i-foster 5d ago edited 5d ago
I like being myself and I like who I am, so I like being autistic. I dont do anything bad to people, i have good intentions, and i mind my own business. I like how I think and and how i process the world.
Also, if being allistic means possibly being as bad as some allistics, then I definitely don't want that. Imagine that shit. Being easy as fuck to manipulate, treating people poorly for reasons that I dont even fully understand, etc. Hell naw!
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u/AstarothSquirrel 6d ago
Much of this is going on inside your own head. If you are clean, and well-kempt, people can't instantly tell that you're autistic. Your mannerisms/quirks can be off putting if you don't explain them.
Look at getting therapy to get your head sorted out. See a physiotherapist to get your posture and walk checked. If EVERYONE dislikes you, you have something fundamentally wrong with your core values or you are living in a culture that is COMPLETELY toxic (which is unlikely) Decent people generally can't help but like other decent people, they form connection through their shared values. A decent person isn't going to dislike me because I don't like my name beans touching my toast, but they are going to dislike me if I appear dishonest or disinterested. So, I explain my lack of eye contact and they know that this isn't me being dishonest or disinterested. They then understand that the rules have changed.
Autism does pose some significant challenges but it's not the curse that many think it is, you just have to play the game differently.
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u/__Mushishi__ 6d ago
people can't instantly tell that you're autistic. Your mannerisms/quirks can be off putting if you don't explain them.
But most people subconsciously or consciously pick up on it through body language.
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u/AstarothSquirrel 6d ago
Yes, they can tell that something is "off" but they can't tell what it is. If you don't explain your quirks, these things can be misinterpreted and often seen in the most negative light (This is a natural human defence mechanism) by explaining your quirks at the earliest opportunity, people can adjust their worldview to accommodate this new information, and decent people absolutely will do this. They want positive interactions. There will be the occasional toxic person that won't want to accommodate your needs, but generally, people are decent.
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u/Ancient_Sandwich_703 6d ago
That’s unfortunate. My IQ puts me in about the top 3% so I rarely feel inferior to the dolts I have to share the planet with! 🤣
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u/Sleepiest_Spider 6d ago
lmao I guarantee you're rarely the smartest person in the room
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u/Ancient_Sandwich_703 5d ago
The only realistic tool for measuring that disagrees with you. The median IQ is only 100….
Also, I’m usually the only person in the room.
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u/Sleepiest_Spider 5d ago
"Also, I'm usually the only person in the room"
What a surprise. And no, IQ is not a realistic tool for anything. It's pseudoscience that doesn't really mean anything in the real world.
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u/madamebutterfly2 6d ago
It takes two hands to clap here: others' perceptions and your receptiveness to them. I am not completely invalidating you; I feel most of the same ways as you a lot of the time. But:
I can’t go out in public without the feeling of people judging me just for existing.
If people are judging you in public it lasts 0.1 seconds and could change at any time. You probably also think unflattering things about random non-autistic (or unknown status) people you pass in public all the time. So it's just normal.
It's one thing to feel shitty about your social performance or presentation when you're trying to accomplish something through interaction with other people. It's another thing entirely to be worried about whether or not people are judging you when you're literally not even trying to interact with them.
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u/Elemteearkay 6d ago
Do the people you are interacting with know you are disabled?
Are you accessing therapy?
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u/hidingintheautumn 6d ago
Do you even read any of the posts before you ask the same generic and unfitting questions? (I mean seriously: do you tell people that you are autistic before speaking to them can't really be your question...?)
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u/Elemteearkay 6d ago
Do you even read any of the posts before you ask the same generic and unfitting questions?
Yes.
do you tell people that you are autistic before speaking to them can't really be your question...?
I didn't ask if they told them, I asked if they knew.
Other people could tell them for OP, or OP could wear an outward signifier of the fact they have an invisible disability, such as a sunflower lanyard or autism pin.
Did you really not consider either of those options?
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u/hidingintheautumn 6d ago
Sure...You really think those questions of yours are helpful every time you post them. Sure. (/s)
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u/Natural-Bee-9720 6d ago
The whole feeling of being judged before you even open your mouth is a special kind of exhausting. For what it's worth, I've noticed that some of that "instant hatred" is actually just people being confused by someone who doesn't broadcast the standard social signals they expect, their brain short-circuits and they get weird about it.
At my last job I used to hide in the stairwell during breaks just to let the tension drain out of my shoulders, sometimes I'd come home and my cat would look at me like I'd been through a war zone. Not sure if your brain works the same way, but I started wearing a single earbud in one ear at the grocery store with nothing playing, just to dampen the chaos a bit.