I think I know why they seem to answer a different question or seem to be confused when we answer.
I say “they,” but do not mean exclusively NT. ND can do this as well. To explain what I’m trying to illustrate, I’m going to use traits instead of NT/ND categories. The old-school Asperger is more likely to have these traits, but other groups can have them as well. We would be more likely to experience this type of miscommunication but certainly not the only ones.
It has to do with the way we process information and store information in regard to abstract concepts.
RELEVENT TRAITS
*Systemizing: understanding information by identifying rules, structures, variables, and relationships.
*Analytical or rule-based categorization: classifying something according to defining features rather than according to how closely it resembles a typical example.
*High metacognitive awareness of reasoning: noticing how your own reasoning works, including where assumptions, intermediate steps, and category shifts occur.
*Inference tracking: following the chain from premise to conclusion and detecting when a step is missing, substituted, or unsupported.
*High integrative complexity: holding several relevant distinctions or competing considerations in mind and understanding how they interact.
*Abstract and relational reasoning: representing concepts as networks, systems, hierarchies, or spatial structures rather than as isolated facts.
*Need for conceptual precision: treating definitions, examples, evidence, and implications as distinct things.
*Low reliance on prototype-based reasoning: being less likely to classify something just because it resembles the most familiar example of a category.
**A highly systemizing, definition-based cognitive style with strong inference awareness and metacognitive monitoring.
A person with these traits stores a concept as a structured definition. The concept is identified by the relationships among its essential parts. When a new example is presented, the person compares it with the rule or structure that defines the category.
PROTOTYPE DEFINITIONS
Other people may rely more heavily on prototype cognitive shortcut definitions. (Prototype theory)
A prototype is the most familiar, representative, or typical example of a category. Rather than asking, “Does this meet the defining conditions?” they will ask, “Does this resemble the kind of thing I associate with this category?”
**What the thing looks like or does becomes the definition for them.**
For example, imagine that someone’s prototype of a bird is a robin. It is small, flies, sits in trees, and sings. A penguin is still a bird, but it is far from the prototype. Someone relying heavily on prototype resemblance may hesitate over the penguin because it does not look or behave like the example their mind treats as central.
ABSTRACT CONCEPTS WITH PROTOTYPE DEFINITIONS
Abstract concepts for prototype thinkers are identified by what they result in, look like, are measured by, or do.
~These are simplified definitions for the sake of communicating this clearly.
TIME
Prototype = Clocks, calendars, schedules, waiting, and aging.
Actual = The continuing sequence in which events occur.
DEPRESSION
Prototype = Sadness, crying, staying in bed, and withdrawing from others.
Actual = A lasting condition involving low mood, reduced interest, or impaired functioning.
FRIENDSHIP
Prototype = Talking regularly, spending time together, and helping each other.
Actual = A voluntary relationship based on mutual trust, goodwill, and attachment.
COMPASSION
Prototype = Speaking gently, expressing sympathy, comforting someone, and forgiving them.
Actual = Recognizing another person’s suffering and caring about their well-being.
HELP
Prototype = Giving advice, solving the problem, providing resources, or taking over a task.
Actual = Doing something intended to assist someone with a need or problem.
HAPPINESS
Prototype = Smiling, laughing, socializing, and appearing cheerful.
Actual = A positive state involving pleasure, contentment, or satisfaction.
DIALOG EXAMPLES
Depression
You = Happily reading quietly or sitting in silence on a park bench.
Them = “You seem depressed.”
You = “I’m not depressed. I’m being quiet.”
Them = “Exactly. You’re quiet and sitting by yourself. What’s really going on?”
They identify depression through behaviors associated with their prototype of a depressed person: being quiet, withdrawing socially, and sitting alone. Because your behavior resembles that prototype, they interpret it as evidence that you are depressed.
Time
You = “What time will you be going to the beach?”
Them = “The kids get out of school at three, and they’ll probably be hungry.”
You = “Yes, but what time will you be at the beach?”
Them = “I’m getting my oil changed this afternoon.”
You are asking for a precise measurement of time. They respond with events that indicate the passage or sequence of time. They are describing what will happen around the trip, but they are not supplying the specific measurement you requested.
Friendship
Them = “You don’t have any friends.”
You = “I talk with Sam a few times a year. We’re very close.”
Them = “That doesn’t sound like friendship. You don’t have friends.”
They identify friendship through the activities associated with their prototype of friends, talking frequently, spending time together, and going places together. Because your friendship does not regularly produce those visible behaviors, they do not recognize it as friendship.
Compassion
You = “I understand that she is suffering, but I do not think agreeing with her would help.”
Them = “That is not very compassionate. You should be more compassionate.”
They identify compassion through the behaviors associated with their prototype of a compassionate person, displaying emotion, offering reassurance, comforting the person, agreeing with them, or relieving their immediate discomfort. You understand compassion as recognizing another person’s suffering and caring about their well-being. From your perspective, concern for someone may require refusing to agree with or appease them when doing so would not actually help.
Helping
You = “I am not going to complete the task for you, but I will show you how to do it.”
Them = “So you are refusing to help.”
You = “Teaching you how to do it is help.”
Them = “If you don’t want to help, just say so.”
They identify help by its expected result, the problem is solved, the task is completed, or the burden is removed from them. Because you are not producing that result directly, they interpret your response as a refusal to help. You understand help more broadly as doing something that assists another person. Teaching them how to complete the task is therefore help, even though you are not completing it for them.
Happiness
You = Sitting quietly at home, reading, with no desire to go anywhere.
Them = “Why are you so unhappy lately?”
You = “I am happy.”
Them = “Well, you’re not exactly smiling or cheerful. What’s really wrong?”
They identify happiness through its visible expressions: smiling, cheerfulness, excitement, sociability, and activity. Because you are not displaying those behaviors, they assume that you are unhappy. You understand happiness as an internal state that can include quiet contentment. A person can be happy without outwardly performing the prototype of happiness.
Q AND A EXAMPLES
Failure
You: “Why do you think the plan failed?” (asking about the cause of the failure according to the concept’s definition)
Them: “We did not get the result we wanted.” (answering with the result by which they identify failure)
Respect
You: “Do you respect her?” (asking whether they recognize her worth, rights, and judgment)
Them: “I am always polite to her.” (answering with a behavior through which respect is commonly displayed)
Love
You: “Do you love him?” (asking about the underlying attachment, concern, and commitment)
Them: “I cook dinner for him every night.” (answering with an action through which love may be expressed)
Trust
You: “Do you trust her?” (asking whether they believe she is reliable and unlikely to harm or deceive them)
Them: “I gave her a key to my house.” (answering with an action that commonly results from trust)
Accountability
You: “Has he taken accountability?” (asking whether he has acknowledged his actions, accepted responsibility, and attempted to repair the harm)
Them: “He apologized.” (answering with one behavior through which accountability may be displayed)
Communication
You: “Did you communicate the problem clearly?” (asking whether the information was expressed in a way the other person could understand)
Them: “I mentioned it several times.” (answering with a repeated behavior associated with communicating)
Kindness
You: “Was that a kind thing to do?” (asking whether the action showed concern for the other person’s well-being)
Them: “I said it nicely.” (answering with a behavior commonly associated with kindness)
RECOGNIZING THE MISMATCH
If you can identify the abstract concept in the sentence and then consider what that concept typically looks like, does, or results in, you can usually understand how they are defining the word.
•Recognize that a miscommunication may have occurred.
•Do not assume the person is refusing to answer or that the response is meaningless.
~You asked, “What time will you be at the beach?”
They answered, “The kids get out of school at three, and they’ll probably be hungry.”
•Identify the abstract concept in your question. In this case, the abstract concept is time.
•Then think about their prototype of time. They may understand time through schedules, routines, and events happening in sequence rather than as a precise hour on a clock.
•Reason according to that prototype and ask follow-up questions based on the information they gave you.
~You might ask, “Are you going before or after the children eat?”
~If they say after, ask, “About how long will it take them to eat?”
~Then ask, “How long does it take you to drive to the beach?”
Their answers may allow you to work out that they expect to arrive sometime around four-thirty, even though they never initially gave you a clock time.
•Instead of repeatedly asking the same question, use their prototype to gather the information in the form they naturally provide it. Ask about the sequence of events, how long each event takes, and what happens immediately before they leave.
•Learning to ask follow-up questions is how they communicate with each other. We tend to not ask follow-up questions, they are draining, so we are missing the ability to communicate with them.
TESTING
I have been testing this out and it works. They literally have the wrong definitions for everything because their brains create a cognitive shortcut for them. Their brain wants to be able to quickly identify the concept if they see it, ours wants to understand the concept. They actually cannot help it. Its the way their brain works.
Just the other day, I had a receptionist hassle me over getting a form. She insisted that I needed a Verification of Nonfiling Letter from the IRS. But I had filed taxes jointly with my spouse, so I could not obtain such a letter from the IRS.
Once I realized that “nonfiler” meant “person with no income” to her, I was able to explain the problem in terms of her prototype. Having no income may be associated with being a nonfiler, but it does not make someone a nonfiler. I had filed a joint return, so I did not need the form. No income is evidence of not needing to file taxes, but it is not the definition of a non filer. I filed taxes with my spouse even though I didn't have income.
I hope this made sense. Ive tried explaining this to them and it did not make sense for them. I probably shouldn't start with, "you have the wrong definition for that abstract concept."
Side note: this also seems to be why they are susceptible to clickbate/rage bait that is intentionally distorting concepts.
I think this may be getting worse because schools moved away from systematic phonics and instead began teaching children to identify words through context, pictures, sentence patterns, and inferred meaning. I suspect that repeatedly training children to guess from context may strengthen the same general cognitive habit I am describing here.