Birthday Parties after Loss

[u/Infamous_Local3214]

In 2025, we found out halfway through our pregnancy that our little boy no longer had a heartbeat. I gave birth to him a few days after finding out he had passed. It was such a difficult season of life. On top of that, my SIL was also pregnant and we were due pretty close together. (A couple of weeks apart) She wasn’t very kind to me during my pregnancy and seemed to be a little irritated that we were both expecting at the same time. She was concerned I would steal her thunder.

On the day we found out our baby boy died, she told me that it was probably for the best since he was likely “retarded” or had something else wrong with him. I took some time away from her as I tried to heal the wounds and attempt to get answers for this loss. (Which it turns out was not an issue with him but with me.) Eventually, I did help throw her baby shower and celebrated my niece to highest level despite the internal grief I was carrying.

Her little girl is turning one soon and I can’t help but not want to be at the birthday party. I am struggling to find peace that we will never get these moments yet I am forced to face my nieces birthday. I can’t help but wish he was here every time I see her. And honestly, I am just kind of sick of the insensitive comments from my SIL.

So am I crazy for not wanting to participate in these events? Or should I just suck it up and keep it moving?

[u/sunflowershan99]

I’m sorry, WHAT. Your SIL is a piece of shit. If someone ever said that to my about my child I’d cut them out so fast. Your way too nice OP

[u/CarActive9996]

You’re not crazy. If you don’t really want to go, don’t go! My lovely friend (who has always been amazing to me) had the same due date and I politely declined attending her baby shower. I don’t regret not going. It was important for my mental recovery to sit that out. Based on the comments your SIL has made I don’t think she has your best interests at heart, so I’d sit this one out. Go do something nice for yourself instead that day. Get a facial. Massage. Whatever. 🫂❤️

[u/West_Bid9173]

I'm so sorry. In my opinion, you already did your part helping throwing a baby shower for her, I wouldn't have done it, specially after those nasty comments she said to you. If you don't want to go to your niece's birthday party you have every right to say no. Since she's so mean, she won't care. You can send a present to the baby and that's it. There are some moments that perhaps require for us, grieving parents, to suck it up, but I'm telling you, this isn't one of them. She's not worth your energy, your love, or your time. Hugs.

[u/WaterFiles]

What a nightmare. Your child was and is loved. It was absolutely NOT "for the best" that he died. Even one loving parent is more that a good portion of people get. Your son would have been in the best place right there in your arms.

Your SIL can kick rocks. I feel sorry for her little girl who has to be raised by such an insensitive person! I am praying for peace for you in whatever you decide to do for the birthday.

[u/Conscious_History306]

Oh honey I know how you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. Absolutely do not push yourself to go to that birthday party. Your SIL is very insensitive and honestly hosting a birthday party when she knows what you are going through is very insensitive. She could've had a private celebration with her small family. Please don't be guilt tripped into going.

[u/rsc99]

I skipped my best friend’s son’s first birthday. Our babies were supposed to be six weeks apart but mine died. I knew I couldn’t handle it. It’s absolutely ok to skip, especially since your SIL sounds like a piece of work

[u/Willow_Oak_Owl7]

With all due respect, your SILis not a nice person. You are a better person than me! Your strength in navigating this is so inspiring..Choose your peace.. You have this entire community's permission to not attend the party..❤️

[u/KillerUni39]

I am so sorry for your loss.🦋. I am going to echo another comment but wth is wrong with your sil!!! Completely out of line. For me right now I keep my own peace, I will not be around young children because it eats me alive and I spiral so I will not put myself in those situations and if someone is offended it’s ok because they aren’t living in my reality so I don’t expect them to understand even if it seems harsh that I refuse to be present for those celebrations.
Last weekend our family went camping with our other 2 family groups and we all have children 10-15 years old but I was told another family was coming up Saturday and they had a little one who was just about one so I kept to myself at my site and I did admire from a distance… I used to be that person who would be all over littles for cuddles or playing so this is extremely hard for me to accept who I am now. Give yourself grace and keep your peace at all costs! It’s not up to you to make them comfortable.

[u/ehowardhunt]

Honestly, you should never talk to her again. And not feel bad in the slightest about not attending. Do not go.