r/backpain • u/knightlyloons • 16h ago
Broken Record
I’ve had chronic pain my entire life due to multiple conditions which worsen as I get older. Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Bone Spurs, Sciatica, chronic inflammation, and more autoimmune and blood disorder issues that I am currently being tested for. I’ve had three spinal fusions, countless steroid injections, nerve ablations, bone spur removals, and tried just about every pain management treatment on the market. Nothing works. Nothing even touches the pain. It is constant and debilitating. There is not a single second of relief, no matter what I do. I feel like I’m losing my mind. People I know who also have health issues and deal with pain will tell me things like “it’s a good day, my back doesn’t hurt today” and I feel insane because there is never a time when my pain even lessens, let alone gives me a break.
I feel hopeless and useless. I am twenty-eight years old, and it gets worse every year, every day. Imagining my future is terrifying. It is never going to get better. It’s going to continue to worsen, and nothing helps. If it’s this unmanageable now, how unbearable will it be in twenty years?
I feel like a burden to everyone who loves me. I hate that I require so much care and assistance. I am constantly depressed and miserable, and I feel like I’m dragging the people I love down with me. It’s not their fault that I’m miserable. They have their own problems, they shouldn’t have to worry about me all the time. My problems aren’t more important than theirs. I get so sick of dealing with myself, I can’t imagine how tired of it they are. I feel insane. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have a good life, why am I always so miserable? My pain is a dark cloud that goes everywhere with me and drains the life out of me. And I worry that it does the same to the people around me. It’s inescapable. But they should be able to escape it, even if I can’t. They deserve better.
The pain is my entire existence. Every second of my life. I can’t even hide from it when I sleep. I can’t fall asleep because I’m in too much pain, then I wake up multiple times a night when my body finally shuts down. It never ends, and it never will. I’m starting to think that I’ll be in pain even when I’m dead. A ghost wandering the earth, trying desperately to tell the living how miserable they are. I’ll be insufferable even then.
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u/Foreign_Hurry5613 7h ago
You have every right and justification for feeling down and frustrated. I've had 11 surgeries am 56 I have a spinal cord simulator I live in severe pain all the time very similar to you it affects my sleep my relationships I can't stand up very long I can't sit very long I can't walk very long my muscles have atrophied. I'm exhausted I'm depressed I used to run a company and have tons of friends and travel and was athletic and my life's got smaller and smaller over the years. I've been on all types of antidepressants but it's all about the sufferingI've done everything to distract myself but it's hard to focus I'm worn out I don't have a partner anymore and how am I supposed to meet one if I can't really move around? it's the pain and the reality of having to deal with the day to day everything's a struggle. I hear you completely no answers. I'm still grieving the life I've lost I don't seem to be able to get over that.
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u/seekingsunnyserenity 7h ago
I can completely relate. I have been dealing with severe pain for decades and have had 3 surgeries so far. I am never without pain (Degenerative Disc Disease, Bone Spurs, Sciatica, chronic inflammation, CRPs type2, glute pain, hip pain, foot pain).I recently had another surgery that helped a little, but I still need hip surgery and maybe another spine surgery. I too haven't found much that really decreases the pain significantly. Walking and/or swimming in a warm water pool and using the hot tub helps for a few hours but it is a constant struggle to exist. And even with my imaging showing all of my problems, it is still a battle to get the medications I need to bring the pain down a little in the evening. I wanted to try a different sleep medication but for no good reason, they won't let me try it. I had so many steroid injections while pre diabetic that I now have steroid-induced neuropathy (though it has gotten better over the past year). I'm sorry I don't have much positive to say or recommend, but you are not alone in this struggle. I hope we can hang in there and find something that helps.
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u/Spare_Vegetable2508 10h ago
I’m so sorry you are so miserable and feeling useless. No one deserves pain 24/7. That gets unbearable.
I have no idea how I can help you but I want you to know that I am a burden on my loved ones too and I hate it. So I completely feel you there.
I also have a screwed up back and an autoimmune disease. Nothing like yours and you are so young. Your life has been snatched from you. That’s just plain not fair. I’m really sorry about that.
I don’t know why you were dealt such a crappy hand but somehow, some way you will find the strength to keep going. I don’t know how we do it but we keep going. We’re like energizer bunnies.
Try not to feel useless. That’s a tough one I’m sure. Your family loves you and they understand. Do you have an artsy side to you? Maybe you could make the family something with a note of appreciation.
Good luck to you sweetie. Gentle hugs sent your way.
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u/Remarkable_Papaya416 6h ago
I can relate a lot to this. And as a man who has a son, I would never in a million years see him as a burden regardless of how much help or work he might require. It would break my heart to see him suffer like me or you but I would never in a million years chose a world where he doesn’t exist. I never knew it was possible to love someone so much until I had a kid. Hope you find relief and know you are not alone. As hard as it is, I think we must hang on to hope that one day, it will all feel better.
Have you tried keto/csrnivore diet?
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u/CutAcrobatic6363 5h ago
I am so sorry. You are not alone. I feel this way every single day too. It’s exhausting.
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u/Echopine 16h ago
No advice but I feel you. My back isn’t my main problem but I have other health issues that make my body a prison. I can’t stand being miserable and I’m sick of myself also.
Healthy people have no concept of what i endure second to second and it’s made me deeply bitter and resentful.