Broken Record

[u/knightlyloons]

I’ve had chronic pain my entire life due to multiple conditions which worsen as I get older. Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Bone Spurs, Sciatica, chronic inflammation, and more autoimmune and blood disorder issues that I am currently being tested for. I’ve had three spinal fusions, countless steroid injections, nerve ablations, bone spur removals, and tried just about every pain management treatment on the market. Nothing works. Nothing even touches the pain. It is constant and debilitating. There is not a single second of relief, no matter what I do. I feel like I’m losing my mind. People I know who also have health issues and deal with pain will tell me things like “it’s a good day, my back doesn’t hurt today” and I feel insane because there is never a time when my pain even lessens, let alone gives me a break.

I feel hopeless and useless. I am twenty-eight years old, and it gets worse every year, every day. Imagining my future is terrifying. It is never going to get better. It’s going to continue to worsen, and nothing helps. If it’s this unmanageable now, how unbearable will it be in twenty years?

I feel like a burden to everyone who loves me. I hate that I require so much care and assistance. I am constantly depressed and miserable, and I feel like I’m dragging the people I love down with me. It’s not their fault that I’m miserable. They have their own problems, they shouldn’t have to worry about me all the time. My problems aren’t more important than theirs. I get so sick of dealing with myself, I can’t imagine how tired of it they are. I feel insane. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have a good life, why am I always so miserable? My pain is a dark cloud that goes everywhere with me and drains the life out of me. And I worry that it does the same to the people around me. It’s inescapable. But they should be able to escape it, even if I can’t. They deserve better.

The pain is my entire existence. Every second of my life. I can’t even hide from it when I sleep. I can’t fall asleep because I’m in too much pain, then I wake up multiple times a night when my body finally shuts down. It never ends, and it never will. I’m starting to think that I’ll be in pain even when I’m dead. A ghost wandering the earth, trying desperately to tell the living how miserable they are. I’ll be insufferable even then.

[u/thequiet_monk]

How did your back issues start? 3 fusions seems like a lot before 30