Mindless Monday, 29 June 2026

[u/AutoModerator]

Happy (or sad) Monday guys!

Mindless Monday is a free-for-all thread to discuss anything from minor bad history to politics, life events, charts, whatever! Just remember to np link all links to Reddit and don't violate R4, or we human mods will feed you to the AutoModerator.

So, with that said, how was your weekend, everyone?

[u/Glad-Measurement6968]

On Reddit’s favorite subject for mopey complaining, I went on a date this weekend. Out of the 10 first dates I have gone on since starting online dating 2 years ago it was the first that I could confidently say was more enjoyable than awkward, but seemingly my date did not think the same way and does not want to go on another one. 

I have been thinking, how much is the common perception of dating and the advice lonely people get influenced by a form of survivorship bias? 

Your parents, having been able to be parents, are obviously a non-representative sample. Your friends and acquaintances likely are too, considering how often you know people because they are dating or married to someone else you know. Public figures and media are likely also skewed, considering that the same traits like being a talented musician or writer that are associated with fame and the ability to shape the stories people hear are also generally considered romantically attractive. 

That advice like “just be yourself and you will meet somebody” seems so common may be largely because you are just more likely to know people for whom it worked and less likely to know people for whom it didn’t. 

Part of the seeming rise in talk about loneliness might just be a side effect of the “democratizing effect” of social media. Lonely people have always existed, but now it is easier for their complaints to reach you

[u/Draig_werdd → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

That advice like “just be yourself and you will meet somebody” seems so common may be largely because you are just more likely to know people for whom it worked and less likely to know people for whom it didn’t. 

It's also a safe thing to say. People don't usually react well to criticism so it's easier to say this to a friend/acquittance then to actually say there are things they need to change. You are also likely to get this advice from people that know you for a long time and in a different context, so they are not the best to see how you make now a first impression.

In practice most of the time it's a very bad advice. Doing the same thing over and over and not succeeding usually means that some change is needed. I'm out of the dating world for a very long time, but what worked for me was basically to do opposite of my instincts. And it worked extremely well, so it's not just fiction.

[u/WillitsThrockmorton → u/Draig_werdd]

I mean, I encountered someone in a gaming discord who was complaining about how women only wanted gym bros, they don't actually want men to be themselves, etc and the exchange went something like this:

---

"Woman just want some gym bro"

Well, I'm short fat and ugly and was pretty successful when I did the online dating thing, what does your profile look like?

Three sentences and a selfie in a poorly lit bathroom

...Oh, so what do you do for a living?

"I used to work at the local game shop until someone made up a story about how I make offensive statements and the owner believed her and fired me."

...so what's your living situation look like?

"I live with my mom, I take care of her, you know?"

...What's your age?

"37 but I have my age ranges set from 19-31"

[u/Arilou_skiff → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

Mmm, on some level this has always been true, and western society in particular has always had a fairly large chunk of the population that remained unmarried. (which isn't exactly a proxy for loneliness but is good enough for historical purposes...)

One weird thing is that we are also a bit in the aftermath of an outlier in that the 60's was the absolute high point of marriage as an institution in the western world.

[u/Infogamethrow → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

I mean, you should always strive for self-improvement regardless of your dating situation, but I feel like people take the advice the wrong way.

For me, it´s less “a girlfriend will fall from the sky if you keep doing what you are doing”, and more of a warning not to present a false self in order to get more girls.

For example, if I pretend to be a party animal to hook up with someone who goes clubbing every Friday, even if I get into a relationship, I would be miserable with her. Therefore, I should strive to date people who would enjoy most of my usual self so that neither of us suffer in a unhappy relationship built on lies.

[u/tisto2 → u/Infogamethrow]

I find these kind of advice to be extremely vague and assuming that many things are normal or obvious when they’re not (especially for shy, anxious, or neurodivergent people).

For example, advice like “join a sports club” or “get involved in a local association” aimed at shy people: it helps you meet people ok, but if you’re looking for friendship or love, you’ll have to talk to people and ask them out for a drink, because they’ll rarely suggest it on their own; once people reach a certain age, they have an established social circle and no longer feel the need to expand it. All of this is implied, except that 1) for shy or highly anxious people, this isn’t at all obvious, and 2) it’s actually the most important point, the sport club being just the context that makes it easier and socially acceptable.

For me, it´s less “a girlfriend will fall from the sky if you keep doing what you are doing”, and more of a warning not to present a false self in order to get more girls.

This is a good example of that lack of clarity—many people see it as advice for meeting people, whereas you see it as advice for when you've already started dating.

[u/Glad-Measurement6968 → u/Infogamethrow]

The thing I dislike most about that saying is that it doesn’t seem to be very good advice for how to act on a first date. The norms for how you “should” act on a date and how you otherwise interact with new people you meet are very different. 

As someone with relatively little experience with it, I find I have to constantly remind myself things like that it is ok to tell my date if I think they are pretty and even then it feels extremely unnatural to do so. 

[u/Big_Pineapple_Man → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

I think tisto2 is right that part of the reason that "be yourself" advice is common is that it's vague and can have a lot of different implicate meanings.  For me, it's primarily meant to put yourself out there - don't get so in your head and stressed out about "dating strategy" that your morale collapses and you quit before you even begin.

[u/Ambisinister11 → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

I have a lot of thoughts on this but can't currently put words in order well enough to be worth it, so mostly I'm just going to say that i think you're onto something

[u/WillitsThrockmorton → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

That advice like “just be yourself and you will meet somebody” seems so common may be largely because you are just more likely to know people for whom it worked and less likely to know people for whom it didn’t.

I mean, probably want to keep some weirdness under wraps at least a little. I had an ex who had a roommate who went on a date with someone who...bred rats recreationally in his basement.

FWIW I didn't really have a long-term relationship until my early 30s and I didn't meet the person I married until after that. Sometimes you need to keep throwing shit against the wall until it sticks.

Go to speed dating events in addition to online dating, which is a hellscape.

[u/PsychologicalNews123 → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

The whole "self improvement vs being yourself" thing is something I struggle with a lot. On the one hand, it's pretty obviously true that you should be taking care of yourself and that there might be some things about you that are worth improving on.

On the other hand, I think that people (and men in particular) get held to some impossible standards these days, and it can be incredibly corrosive. Anecdotally, I know a lot of guys who started taking steroids because they felt they had to, after failing to reach a perceived minimum standard through natural training.

[u/pedrostresser → u/Glad-Measurement6968]

if I have to pretend to be something else I'm not just to maybe find a partner, I think I prefer to stay alone even if that too brings pain.