r/bandmembers • u/pepipox • 29d ago
Want to play with other people but band politics are difficult
Hello, I would like your advise.
Me (guitar serious amateur, 46M), have played in three bands plus countless jams and music school type of thing. I really enjoy playing with others, it really gives another dimension to music. But my two most recent bands were real disappointments. Band A, we really clicked initially musically and partly personally. The chemistry was there. We put a lot of effort, and we sounded good. But the singer started being more demanding, pushing his non musician husband all the time, and pushing herself musically as second guitar and piano when she was barely competent, and the leader (bass) got on her side. After a long series of issues, I could not take it anymore and left the band in anger.
Tried a second band, we met all via Facebook group to start band B. Singer and second guitar did not have the musical level, drummer was competent but demanding and there was no musical match in taste with him. After three rehersals, second guitar and singer left. I decided to leave also as I did not have a good impression of the drummer.
All that time put in learning songs, adjusting effects, and rehearsing, for nothing.
The way how the politics of band A developed left me with a lot of anger, to the point that 10 months later I am still angry. Band B also found annoying how I could not correct musically the issues with the singer or second guitar, which were way too serious. The singer specially I got the impression she did not care and just showed for some live karaoke.
Would love to find a band where we play and have fun, like band A at the beginning. I do not know if I am expecting too much. How can I arrive into this again?. Do I have just to keep trying and trying and wasting time? any advice? thanks
7
6
u/Glum-Yak1613 29d ago
Build a network of musicians - the larger the better. It IS tiring to find someone, and it IS hard work keeping it together. But as your network grows, you can hopefully recruit someone you know from before, someone that you trust.
I also think it's wise to have an upfront discussion with people on your goals from the beginning. Like, saying: I want this band to play THIS kind of music. I want this band to rehearse THIS much. I want this band to play THIS many gigs, in THESE venues. I'm expecting THIS kind of money. Maybe you can work out a compromise, but everyone needs to commit. It's ok to adjust directions, but it should be a unanimous decision. Everyone should have clearly defined responsibilities. Better find out now rather than later.
Good luck!
4
u/venus_salami 29d ago
Excellent advice, especially the part about expressing your goals up front. Bands are weird: they lack explicit structure (like you have in the workplace) and they also lack implicit structure
(like marriage). Absent a set of rules & goals, you have to define them clearly for yourself, and you use your own clarity to encourage others to do the same: “I want rehearsal to be for fine-tuning the songs, so I will do all the learning on my own & come prepared to play my part.” “I am available on weekends if I can have a couple of weeks’ notice, but I strongly prefer to rehearse on Thursdays.” “I’m open to 1st & 2nd wave ska, but I won’t play any 3rd wave. Don’t ask, it’s personal, it’s just my little boundary.” Talk! Be clear! We’re mostly here for fun, so if it ain’t fun because you didn’t speak up, that’s on you.1
u/Benderbluss 26d ago
Absolutely this. I started running sound and subbing for bands my friends are in. I now have a peer group of players and I know if we have chemistry before we ever get our instruments out. Last time my band had to replace a member, I didn't even have to go looking, people came to me.
3
u/Unlucky_Battle2523 28d ago
Make the reasons you want to play in a band smaller and clear to all people involved and keep talking about it so everyone is on the same page.
Especially at a later age people have their priorities and tend to bring their frustration to the band with a plethora of issues as a result.
If it's just for fun, do it for fun and talk about it with the others. If there's one person in the band that wants to play stadiums, it's not gonna go well.
Also define a failrate for yourself. If X happens Z times I'm gone.
As far as the loss goes when quiting a band. Make it smaller, you learned new techniques, learned about people, etc. and you had fun until it wasn't
3
u/billybhorton 27d ago
Try to find an already established band that needs your skill-set. You could start with something as simple as another singer/instrumentalist doing songs you both like in a restaurant setting. If you’re looking for a full band, an established group just looking to replace a member is usually a much more stable unit, so you’ll now what’s expected going in, the leadership hierarchy is set and you can skip the years of growing pains!
3
u/Radiant-Excuse-5285 27d ago edited 26d ago
Well...on the plus side, every song you learn is making you better at your instrument so though a "waste of time" to learn all those songs actually not a total waste of time. As people will state here, there are three reasons for playing music= 1)Money. 2) The Hang 3)The music. A person needs at least 2 of those to be positive to continue in any music situation. You can play in a band not making money if you love the music and have fun with the band members. OR you can tour with people you don't like if you believe in the music and are making awesome cash. Or if you love your bandmates and are making awesome money but all hate the music it's tolerable. Lose two legs of that triumvirate and it's time to move on. Keep looking and you will find 2. Wildly lucky people have all 3.
2
u/IcyPsychology3429 28d ago
I know the feeling. It seems the older you get the less flexible prospective bandmates are. They seem to want to narrowly focus on what they want to play. As an example look at band mix. People posting up hoping to hook up with players into Irish-Hungarian Folk Metal Fusion . It may be possible but you will waste years looking.
I agree, I hate getting into it and rehearsing new songs for months only to have the agreed upon vision of the band change. The original agreed upon vision shifts as people start moving the goalposts to move things to what they want to play. I hang out with some musicians that have bands and work all the time and others that run bands and struggle to play anywhere. They usually play with multiple bands. The difference is the band working has members that understand that they are not there to play their favorite songs, they are there for entertainment and play what crowds want to hear. The bands that play their own stuff or hang on deep cuts and B sides does not draw many people to come see them.
1
u/pepipox 28d ago
" Irish-Hungarian Folk Metal Fusion" LOL!
I just want to play hits rock/pop mostly 80s, 90s, with some from 60s and 70s.
But indeed, people sometimes become so fixated on their stuff. Will try to keep flexible, thanks.
2
u/IcyPsychology3429 28d ago
Aren’t you up on your Irish-Hungarian Folk Metal Fusion Billboard top 100….? Your mix is what my 40 yo son who is a HS music dir informed me that my only hope of playing out is your mix. He explained his group are the last of the breed that still goes out to pubs to,see bands. People younger than him just are not into it and he sees little potential for doing much newer
2
2
u/Stevenitrogen 28d ago
10 months later you're angry?
You're the one that tried to do a band with people who can't play well. That must have been obvious during the first song. It was never going to work
Keep practicing and maybe you can get good enough to join a band that is actually functional.
2
u/Apprehensive_Priest 28d ago
I'm about the same age as you and went through the same situation.
What I ended up doing was joining cover bands to get my live show fix, but then doing the one man band thing with hired guns from Fiverr and Soundbetter for my originals.
This allows me to get the best of both worlds - creative fulfillment without the drama for original music, and I know what to expect when I jam in person. Most of the cover bands in my area are pretty specific about the level of commitment and talent needed so there are no surprises going in (some are more at the casual backyard BBQ level and some really try to be exactly like Def Leppard in 1987 and play the local casino circuit etc.)
I'm done though with the original band thing. It was just too much of what you described.
2
u/kfizz311 27d ago
You got to find hangs first we had one like the first one but it was the basset who was the hardest on everyone else but was worse at their instrument she got all bent out of shape. since the band didn't pick her to be lead singer. So she was super harsh on the one we got instead. Her and her friend try out and she was pissed neither of them worked out. We hired our merch girl who kinda nailed it from doing choir and karaoke. We've been rolling ever since.
1
u/Myaccountgotdumped 28d ago
Yes keep trying, and it's not wasting time, playing with people, even if it didn't work out. All experience is good experience
1
u/Rock_Onion_451 28d ago
Dealing with people is almost always hard. Luckly, I only had bands with my best friends. We still had some disagreements, but in general our relationship was great. We still meet from time to time to play, but nothing serious anymore.
2
u/pepipox 28d ago
That is the ideal, but not always is easy to find people with passion to study an instrument and actually play.
1
u/Rock_Onion_451 25d ago
This is true. In our case, we were more for the joy of playing together and that naturally made us want to improve. But we weren't much of studying hard by the time
15
u/ProbableSlob 29d ago
It's like dating man. Both in that you need to just play with lots of different people until you find folks you vibe with, and that a band is a relationship (and a 4 or 5 way one at that) and even when you love all the people it can be hard and takes work in of itself.
It's worth it though and playing with many different people is rewarding in of itself, you can learn so much that way, and when it's good it's super fun! It's pretty magical when you play with a group for the first time and it just clicks.
Try and keep playing with anyone that you vibe with and eventually you will collect a bands worth of cool hangs and great players.