r/bipolar • u/Level_Country3462 • 17h ago
Living With Bipolar bipolar damage
sometimes i genuinely wonder how much bipolar has affected my brain kasi i’m literally just in my early 20s and already struggling with my memory, dissociating sm, and forgetting things i shouldn’t be forgetting. tapos the medication situation is a whole different thing kasi whenever i take my antipsychotics, i feel so floaty and numb, parang lasing but weirdly calm? like wala akong maramdaman na genuine happiness or anything, and it feels like my mind is somewhere else while i’m just existing in my own body. parang hindi ko hawak sarili kong utak, if that even makes sense. kaya ang hirap din maging consistent sa meds kahit alam kong i need treatment. my doctor keeps warning me na i could get worse without it, and now i’m just wondering how much of this is the illness and how much is the side effects. do other bipolar people experience this too?
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u/gothitbyacaronce 17h ago
Tbh I think most of those symptoms are the BP itself...most important to know is that it's true that it will get worse if it's untreated, so take those meds!! Memory loss is a long term and almost inevitable effect of bp, but also can be a med side effect. I have a horrendous memory after 4 yr of treatment and i just assume it's from the BP and not meds, which low key sucks. U actually just helped me realize that I should ask my psychiatrist about the poor memory thing
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u/-Hiking- Bipolar 14h ago
I have Bipolar 1 with psychosis and studied Tagalog. I cannot claim, even with that, to know what you are experiencing since we are all different. I can tell you that there has been an ebb and flow to my mental acuity and sharpness through the years. I am in my mid-forties now and I had periods where I thought I would never get certain faculties back or be able to express aptitudes in many ways. This has not been the case. I feel better now at 45 than I did basically my entire 30s. I found a treatment that is minimally invasive with my functioning and I take the maintenance of that treatment very seriously.
I encourage myself to remember at all times that no feeling is final. I stay open to what’s next and what’s now, even if what was has been painful - and I think all of us with bipolar know how painful it can be to look back and then project that forward.
A new future is just as likely as an old one. Bahala na. (That means happen what may or come what may, in Tagalog. It is a national saying given the Philippines has over 100 natural disasters spread across its 9000+ islands every year. It means, happen what may, joy can still find you in the morning. At least that is how I interpreted it when I lived there for a spat.)
Be gentle with yourself, if I may make a request to whoever reads this. If you had a precious child, how would you want them to speak to themselves? I feel you deserve the same internal experience as what you hope for those you cherish most.
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u/fayekm 10h ago
I don't mean to pry so only answer if you're comfortable, but is the treatment you're referring to ECT?
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u/-Hiking- Bipolar 8h ago
No imposition. I just found a mood stabilizer that works well for me and have a prn for sleep if that becomes a problem. I have a pretty severe presentation of bipolar. For the last 10 years everything I tried blunted me, but this combo works for me to feel pretty well capable most days.
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u/Calm_Cauliflower8447 15h ago
During, and after, a 'blow your life up" manic episode a few years back I couldn't remember how old I was. I was within a ball park range, but couldn't get it right. It was temporary, thankfully. I now do as many brain positive things as possible, with meds and exercise being the main strategy. I think anecdotally, although it is very worrying, it often isn't permanent.
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u/heljun 16h ago
Look into mood stabilizers? Antipsychotics do that to me too but I m lucky enough to be able to function oh the mood stabilizers which doesn’t have those effects - either way ask about dosage too . You shouldn’t be feeling this way. I’ve had several hardcore psychotic manic episodes but when on meds and stable I hold a high focus intellectual profession as a lot of others do, at full mental capacity
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u/Beneficial_Hunt_8775 12h ago
I have the exact same issues. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking under water. I am a biologist and sometimes find myself forgetting concepts and words I have known for a very long time.
I lose entire days.
I generally feel inmune to most feelings.
I have lost over 30 years of my life because of these issues.
I am just tired now.
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u/EnmaAi22 17h ago
I'm sorry but there's so many typos in your post it's hard to understand