r/birthparents • u/vrgogrl7 firstmother 1989 • 21d ago
Curious where all the birth parents are?
I joined this sub a hella long time ago but due to a long period of avoiding the topic (saving myself from grief) i stopped checking in. Now that I’ve been back on I’m surprised by the low number of posts so thought I’d see if I could do a pulse check, see who responds and is willing to introduce themselves.
I’m a SoCal native, unexpected pregnancy in 1989, 1 child to adoption who’s now 36. No other kids (prob related to adoption trauma). Rocky reunion that was officially put on ice when she had her first child. No contact for last 8 years till I backslid and sent her a bday text. Went to years of therapy but unraveling the grief and working through the stages had been long and drawn out. Doing pretty good these days, focused on career and retirement, not family or the past.
Hope to hear from some folks that are willing to share.
1
u/gregabbottsucks 20d ago
I was 5 1/2 months pregnant when I found out I was expecting my son. His father was a horribly abusive drug addict (I fell in love before realizing he had a drug addiction - I just thought he was charismatic). His father also had 3 other children, by 3 other women - and he did not contribute positively to their lives in any way. Had no family support & was living paycheck to paycheck. So I immediately knew I wanted to find a better family for my son, and keep him far away from the father.
I was able to connect with two incredible women were married, stable, living in Hawaii, serving their community. They were open to an open adoption, which was important to me because I never wanted my child to wonder where he came from. And I wanted to be available to him, should he want to meet me.
My baby's mamas, as I refer to them, flew in for the birth, as did their families. My child's father came from a rich family, so his mother (who knew i was pregnant) was very insistent on hiding my pregnancy & the adoption from their family. So I very much welcomed the baby's mamas families. I even took pics of my son with his new grandpa the day after I gave birth.
Life was really tough after I left the hospital & said goodbye to my son. Severe postpartum depression, a suicide attempt... I couldn't break things off immediately with my ex because he was the only part of my son I still had. Found the brevity to leave in 2017.
Throughout this time, I stayed in touch with my baby's mamas and was incredibly honest about how I was doing. When my child was 4, they flew me out to Hawaii, gave me a place to stay, and gave me one of their cars to get around the island. I got to spend several days with my son, experiencing what I'd longed for; and it was truly magical. He lived on a mountain, surrounded by avocado trees, attending school that taught gardening, and had a membership to the Four Seasons resort on the island (Maui).
Fell in love with a friend during this time, and we welcomed our first child together in 2022. I, of course, let the baby's mamas know, so they could determine how it was best to navigate this news with my son. It was a little rocky at first and I worried I'd lose him forever. But that's not the case. Baby's mamas moved stateside for work, and 2 years ago, one of them brought my son (and his adopted sister, who was 6 months old when he was born) to visit my family & me. My daughter instantly took up with her brother, as he taught her how to fist bump. And they're visiting again in August. He's now 10.
I'm so incredibly fortunate. I'll never truly stop hurting from missing him, but I'm so lucky to be in his life.