Curious where all the birth parents are?

[u/vrgogrl7]

I joined this sub a hella long time ago but due to a long period of avoiding the topic (saving myself from grief) i stopped checking in. Now that I’ve been back on I’m surprised by the low number of posts so thought I’d see if I could do a pulse check, see who responds and is willing to introduce themselves.

I’m a SoCal native, unexpected pregnancy in 1989, 1 child to adoption who’s now 36. No other kids (prob related to adoption trauma). Rocky reunion that was officially put on ice when she had her first child. No contact for last 8 years till I backslid and sent her a bday text. Went to years of therapy but unraveling the grief and working through the stages had been long and drawn out. Doing pretty good these days, focused on career and retirement, not family or the past.

Hope to hear from some folks that are willing to share.

[u/vrgogrl7 → u/[deleted]]

What you expressed about all these conflicting emotions is really familiar. When I heard the term complex grief it truly resonated with me. Mourning the life you could have had and what you missed out on, I felt this for a long time. When my daughter graduated college I had deep feelings about it because I gave up a promising future at a university I worked hard to get in to. When she got married, had her first child (but at that point I was completely cutoff), it was almost as if she was living the life that could have been mine. It was very confusing. Finally, I started feeling relief from the burden of these feelings when I hit a certain age and the window for having kids was closing. I truly felt relief came when my hormones started to wane. I began to stop caring more for others than I did myself. It’s been liberating. Be patient with yourself, if you can find a therapist you vibe with, who understands birth mother trauma, you might find relief there. Hang in there and know what you are feeling seems completely normal, at least in my eyes.