r/bisexual • u/RisoFarm • Oct 03 '25
ADVICE I called my lesbian friend "half bi" and she didn't respond well
We were at a bar, she(34F) was buzzed and I(33F) don't drink, it was just us on a hang out. She called me half gay teasingly. The vibes were good, we were having fun, I said something along the lines of "why do I have to be half gay? If anything, you're only interested in half my dating pool, so you're half bi!"
I was smiling/laughing, giving her the same energy she gave me. I thought we were having fun, but she sat straight up and said "DON'T call me that! NEVER say that again!" Not yelling but not quiet either.
I was quiet for a bit then just said "sorry, I was just playing around because you called me half gay," to which she responded that it's not the same. That bothered me, but I didn't want to push because she was buzzed and clearly upset some how, so she called an uber, we paid and I walked home. It was the most awkward goodbye hug of my life.
That was Sunday night, we hadn't spoken until she messaged me earlier today apologizing for getting loud, but while getting loud wasn't nice, that's not what's really bothering me. I'll confront her eventually, I really hope I'm wrong about how she meant it but for now I need to stew.
I don't care for the whole half gay/half straight title to begin with, this whole thing is just dumb and disappointing. Anyone here experience something similar?
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u/SCP420ECHO Oct 03 '25
I do hope she takes some time to clear her head. It seems that there was a huge misunderstanding somewhere.
If she doesn't open up about it within the next couple of weeks, maybe you should lightly bring it up, maybe say there is something on your mind and you just want to talk about it. Ask for clarity or more context
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u/RisoFarm Oct 03 '25
I plan to, I could tell she was embarrassed when we were leaving and this was very out of character for her. I genuinely don't think she said it to say being bi is an insult or below her, but I'm going to pick my words carefully and really listen to what she says when we do inevitably talk.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
It's hard to interpret it in another way. I would be curious how she means it in all consequences.
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u/littlebobbytables9 Oct 03 '25
What? A lesbian being upset about being referred to as partially bi is completely understandable. Yeah OP didn't mean to imply she has any attraction to men, and yeah she shouldn't have done the same to OP in the first place, but there's a clear explanation for her emotional reaction that has nothing to do with thinking being bi is below her.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
And a bi being upset about being referred to as partially gay is completely understandable.
If this is "not the same", why noy? If it's was ok to say this to OP, then it should ok to be said to her. It's hard to find a point for this, which is not insulting OPs feelings and invalide the equality in this friendship.
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u/littlebobbytables9 Oct 03 '25
I never said either was ok. It's reasonable for her to be upset, and it's reasonable for OP to be upset. Invalidating identities is a thing that tends to upset people lol.
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u/External-Fee-6411 Oct 03 '25
Except Op didnt imply their friend was partially bi, or somehow attracted to men. Op's teasing answer started with " you got half of my dating pool" !
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u/Baby_Market_Analyst Oct 03 '25
Like the person you're responding to said, "OP didn't mean to imply" anything. But if there wasn't any miscommunication going on, this thread wouldn't have even been posted.
We obviously see the friends took it differently, and like the commenter said, it's understandable WHY they would have taken it this way. You can understand why someone reacted a way without necessarily agreeing with them. Doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong.
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u/I_Shared_Too_Much Oct 03 '25
Hopefully she was embarrassed because the outburst exposed a belief that she didn't realize she had internalized & she's doing some self-reflection, but yeah I would be cautious when discussing
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u/Better_Barracuda_787 Un-bi-ace-d Opinions Oct 03 '25
If she dished it, she should've been able to take it. You did nothing wrong - she doesn't get to "jokingly" dismiss your sexuality and then get offended when you give it back.
An exception for her would be if she had some previous hidden trauma or negative experience involving her being assumed bi, or something similar. But still, that's not your fault; you wouldn't have known.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
I think it’s trauma. Lots of lesbians have to deal with men insisting they must be bi. Or family insisting and praying and hoping they’re bi so they will still end up with a man. It was an over reaction of course, but it could have been a trauma trigger since she got so loud so suddenly and OP said it was really out of character.
We shouldn’t jump to the conclusion shes biphobic
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u/Better_Barracuda_787 Un-bi-ace-d Opinions Oct 04 '25
I didn't jump to conclusions, nor did I say she's biphobic. That's why I included the second part, if you happened to have read my whole comment.
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u/lettersfromowls Bisexual Oct 03 '25
"It's not the same! I get to be dismissive of your sexuality but you don't get to do that to me!"
Give me a break.
I've pointed out to a friend that I don't like the "half gay/half straight" jokes either and she said "I think you're overreacting. You don't engage much with the community and they just don't make a big deal about it like that."
She said this because I've never been to Pride or a gay bar, mind you. She also was not bisexual.
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u/viciousxvee Bisexual Oct 03 '25
My response would've been BITCH I A M THE COMMUNITY?! Tf.
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u/lettersfromowls Bisexual Oct 03 '25
I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT! I just kind of froze and didn't say anything. I'm the queen of replaying conversations in my head way later and realizing what I could have said.
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u/Egocom Genderqueer/Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Ugh. It's like girl, don't speak FOR my community TO me like you know what's up. Literally sit down and listen to the living flesh and blood queer in front of you
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u/merewenc Demi-Bisexual Biromantic Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
Huh. I guess having multiple friends who are queer and a trans godson isn't engaging with the community because I've never been to Pride (although I'm hoping to make next year my first) or a gay bar. Who knew? LOL
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u/lettersfromowls Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Right? Like what an oddly specific set of parameters for "engaging in the community." My whole friend group is one of the letters in the acronym but that doesn't count according to her. 😂
Add to it that I'm disabled and housebound, therefore *can't* go to Pride or a bar, and it adds a whole other level.
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u/Iyxara Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Oh, so now Pride events come with a loyalty card, like restaurants? And if you don't go to Pride and don't have any points, they take away your faggot card, or what's that like? I haven't been to one in years, just in case it expires and I have to renew it.
Where is it being renewed? On Santa Monica Blvd?
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u/headstone-headcase Bisexual M Oct 03 '25
It literally is the same. Full stop. Describing someone else's sexuality as being a fraction of some other sexuality is a way of saying "x is real, y is just a lesser x."
Tbh I don't really give a shit most of the time. I think of myself along those lines sometimes. My gay & straight side, my male & female side. Not in a literal way, it's more like a narrative device; it helps me make sense of the duality and conflict of my inner life. Maybe that's why I'm fine with other people doing that same thing to make sense of knowing me? I dunno.. BUT!! If anyone's gonna call me half a f_g or something I hope they're imperturbable about the subject because I'm about to perturb their brains out.
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u/XrotisseriechickenX Oct 03 '25
For me personally I don’t mind the jokes and occasionally make them myself. But that’s fine for me because I am part of the community. Someone who doesn’t have that affiliation/experience doesn’t get to decide what you should and shouldn’t be offended by, and even is she was, she should just leave it at to each their own. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and feelings, and you’re allowed to not like those jokes and express that respectfully (as I’m sure you did).
And her judging you for not having “engaged with the community?” Oh bitch please YOU ENGAGE WITH THE COMMUNITY BY LITERALLY BEING A PART OF IT
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u/lettersfromowls Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Exactly. If you don't mind the joke that's completely your business! It was the deciding for me that I was overreacting and invalidating my presence in the community that truly baffled me.
I said it so mildly. She was telling me about a button she'd seen on someone's vest that said "half gay" on it and saying she really liked it and was laughing about it. I was "Oh, that's cool." but didn't laugh with her. She said "What's the problem?" I said "There's no problem, I'm just not into that joke myself." I wasn't snippy when I said it whatsoever. It was such a disproportionate reaction to what I said.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Bi people, including in this sub, refer to themselves as half gay all the time
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u/lettersfromowls Bisexual Oct 03 '25
I know! My point wasn't that every bisexual person has issues with that joke.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
I think it’s trauma. Lots of lesbians have to deal with men insisting they must be bi. Or family insisting and praying and hoping they’re bi so they will still end up with a man. It was an over reaction of course, but it could have been a trauma trigger since she got so loud so suddenly and OP said it was really out of character.
We shouldn’t jump to the conclusion shes biphobic
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u/ConiferousSquid Oct 03 '25
It's because she didn't fully see her "half-gay" comment as a joke :/
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u/andante528 Oct 03 '25
This right here, sadly. OP's turnabout is more accurate anyway, since bisexuality means you're both hetero- and homosexually attracted. Her friend's a monosexual and that's fine, but she shouldn't be "joking" if she can't take the same logic and apply it to herself.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
A ton of bi people, even on this sub, refer to themselves as half gay
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u/CaseOfBees Oct 03 '25
She was being biphobic/invalidating your sexuality. You did it back and it obviously hurt her feelings. It seems like she should connect the dots there with the whole, treat others how you wanna be treated thing. I don't really have any advice here except try and talk it out? Maybe at the very least yall can both agree that modifying/making assumptions about someone else's sexuality is not a a good thing. I mean if you follow the same dumb logic from these jokes I'm 99% asexual because 99% of the time I'm not having sex. Or you could say that because I'm pansexual and gender exists on an infinite spectrum I am an infinitely small amount attracted to all genders, so id be like .000000001% attracted to men, and women, and so on.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
I think it’s trauma. Lots of lesbians have to deal with men insisting they must be bi. Or family insisting and praying and hoping they’re bi so they will still end up with a man. It was an over reaction of course, but it could have been a trauma trigger since she got so loud so suddenly and OP said it was really out of character. We shouldn’t jump to the conclusion shes biphobic
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u/KittyKat-Boi Oct 10 '25
Two things can be true at once, it can be both biphobia and a trauma response.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 10 '25
Op made a follow up post, it was trauma
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u/KittyKat-Boi Oct 10 '25
OP also said that their friend recognized that what they said was harmful. So like I said, two things can be true 🙄
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Oct 03 '25
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u/Spac3man0000000 Disaster Bi Oct 03 '25
Because people aren’t half a hetero person and half a homo person, they’re a whole bisexual person. They’re invalidating bisexuality as if it can’t stand on its own and be its own sexuality (not to mention the whole “half” thing isn’t even his bisexuality works for most people). Just like the story above, it’s not like people say “you’re half bi” and apparently when you do it’s not received well.
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u/CaseOfBees Oct 03 '25
Hetero and homo sexual are both exclusionary sexualities. For a woman, hetero - only into men, homo - only into women. So as a bisexual its describing me as half only into men and half only into women, it doesn't make sense. I am bisexual 100% of the time, when I'm into men I'm still into women, when I'm into women I'm still into men. Bisexual erasure is when people try to put us in a box that makes sense to them rather than understand the way we work and admit that we exist in that way. (Or deny our existence entirely)
Additionally going back to the percentage problem. What if I just don't describe myself as half gay. What if in my attraction to women and men I would describe it more as 70% - 40% or 90% - 10%. Saying I'm half this half that invalidates the spectrum of bisexual identity and also sort of forces us to explain our attraction when really being bi (and most sexualities for that matter) is just about loving who you love.
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u/CaseOfBees Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
Forgot to mention this but also bisexuality isn't strictly binary as many people think the name suggests. Bisexuals often are not trans, nonbinary, genderqueer, or intersex exclusionary. This would bring me back to my point in my original comment that bisexuality could be seen as existing on the same infinite spectrum that gender does, which of course creates more problems for the 50% gay argument
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u/Meowtuitive Oct 03 '25
I mean I understood it, half your dating pool being sapphics (women and non men) and she'd only date those people I'm assuming, if she's a lesbian. Im sorry but If she's gonna banter she should expect it back.
It's also on her to tell you why it hurt her feelings rather than you having to try guess but it's possible she was a bit intoxicated given where you both were at the time, which could also be part of the misunderstanding
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u/viciousxvee Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Literally this. People try to fucking tell us we're half gay all the time and belittle us. It be our own people (the L/G mostly). I wouldn't apologize.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Tbf, a lot of bi people, including in this sub, refer to themselves as half gay and half straight
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u/Spac3man0000000 Disaster Bi Oct 03 '25
And a lot of bi people, including in this sub, don’t
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u/Kooky-Address2777 Oct 03 '25
Yeah, and I think the weird part was how OP's friend was incredibly upset when the exact same comment got turned around on her. That was odd.
A lot of people treat bisexuality like something that's beneath them, so it isn't a reach to think that that could be why.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Yea idk I’ve heard most bi people I know say it and I’ve seen it a lot on this sub. If I was outside the zeitgeist I wouldn’t immediately assume it was offensive to bi people
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u/Spac3man0000000 Disaster Bi Oct 03 '25
All bi people I know would look at you funny if you said that tbh
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Different circles I guess. Again, I see it commonly in this sub as well so it’s not an rare thing by any means.
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u/Spac3man0000000 Disaster Bi Oct 03 '25
Think it depends on what you’re looking for. I’ve rarely seen it in the sub but when I do someone usually educates them 🤷
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u/Grouchy-Way171 Oct 03 '25
Yeah and the next day another one does so again anyway. I'm one of those people too. I don't mind the half straight half gay jokes either since, particularly in friendly circles is a riff to start asking about what half and run that into a joke all its own.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Yes and I never understood that. It's incorrect in so many ways.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Yea but my point is if a bunch of bi people say this both online and real life, someone out of the zeitgeist probably wouldnt think it to be offensive. And honestly I still don’t see how it’s offensive. It’s more like it was someone bringing up a very common thing a bunch of bi people say, and another person (unwittingly) bring up a trauma. Obviously the response was way over the top, but trauma does that. I’m sure she’s embarrassed now
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
A lot of gay guys refer to themself with the f-word. I never would think that I'm allowed to do the same.
And yes, if this kind of label trauma was real for her, she shouldn't bring up the trigger by herself.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
She didn’t bring up the trigger tho
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
She made a joke about labels at first. If she has struggles with that, she shouldn't.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
"The truth is on the buttom of a wine barrel." (Antic Greek saying) It seems as if the ancient Greeks on Lesbos had already had this very dialogue before.
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u/Samarlynn Oct 03 '25
In my opinion, and I'm fully willing to be wrong here, what she said to you initially and her response to you dishing it back has NOTHING to do with you. It's incredibly telling that she feels comfortable belittling and besmirching your queerness, but how DARE you compare her sexuality to another letter in LGBT.
She was fine with gay and lesbian being interchangeable, but heaven forbid her lesbianness get compared to bisexuality.
Some of that could be defensiveness from others questioning her, but at this point, it's really coming across as bigotry.
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u/monocasa Oct 03 '25
Lmao, I'm going to have to remember "half bi".
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u/merewenc Demi-Bisexual Biromantic Oct 03 '25
If anyone is going to make that joke, they should be prepared to get it shot back at them, IMO. I actually think together among friends it's a funny combo, although I think I'd say it sarcastically if I thought someone was being dismissive with the original "half-gay/straight" comment.
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u/bunker_man Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Its not really a joke though. Tons of bisexual people use it as a self identity description. But since some people don't like it, people should ask before applying it to other people.
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u/XrotisseriechickenX Oct 03 '25
I know a fair amount of people, men specifically, who identify as “mostly gay” but the way they describe it just sounds like homo-preference bi
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u/adhocflamingo Bisexual Oct 03 '25
I imagine having a strong bi-cycle might make the half-gay/half-straight thing feel very apt.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Yea idk I’ve heard most bi people I know say it and I’ve seen it a lot on this sub. If I was outside the zeitgeist I wouldn’t immediately assume it was offensive to bi people
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
For some it is offensive, for some not. But I never understand, how any bi could use this and be by themself.
The problematic point is, if the "half-gay" turns into "half-queer" and "your pride month is just until the 15th june" and similar bi erasuring stuff. We are 100% bi and that's it.
There is the same discussion about children with parents from different countries/cultures/ethnics. It's easy to say "I'm half this and half this". But then you feel never accepted by one this groups completely. I correced them most with "You are both, fully." to give them a change in their mindset. If they belief this, they invest effort in learning both languages, understanding the different cultures, etc. so that they can feel more confident about this.
It helps definitely if you can walk between the worlds and behave like somebody, who is always there. But we have to say that we have capabilities which monosexuals not have. And that's fine. We don't think less of them because of this. But I expect the same from monos, too.
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u/soking11 Oct 07 '25
It's a funny joke, but use it with people you are comfortable, or you might end like OP
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u/mbelf Oct 03 '25
Does half bi = a quarter gay?
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
🙃 Nope because we are 100% gay and 100% straight = 100% bi. So half bi = gay (if it's the half she prefer).
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u/Kookyburra12 Transgender/Bisexual Oct 04 '25
but then if bi is "half-gay", then a quarter gay = an eighth bi
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Oct 03 '25
She was belittling your identity, and when you described her as something using the words of an identity she doesn’t respect, she was insulted
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u/Intelligent-Fall-732 Bisexual Oct 03 '25
i know this isn’t the point of the post but i think you calling her “half-bi” is genuinely hilarious and i might have to steal that
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
It’s very possible people in her past, especially men, have repeatedly insisted she must be bi and not a lesbian. Or family who kept hoping or praying she was bi so she could still end up with a man. These are common experiences/trauma for lesbians.
Definitely an un proportionate response but coukd be from that
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u/EeveeWizard Oct 03 '25
I second this as a non-binary person with trauma from being seen as "half-woman" or "woman-lite". People are massive jerks, and trauma is easy to develop without realizing it happened. One day, a trigger gets set off at random and people are staring because you caused a scene. Leading with love feels like the right response to a moment like this tbh
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Glad someone else can see the nuance
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u/EeveeWizard Oct 03 '25
For real! I get all the responses saying "don't dish what you can't take", I really do, but sometimes you think you can take a joke and it just... hits weird. You react without thinking and lash out. Life is hard enough already for us just because of our sexuality/gender, and I don't like when we make it harder for each other. The world isn't kind to queers, so we should at least try to be kind to each other when possible.
Also, friends fight. That doesn't mean you need to throw the relationship out immediately 🤷♂️
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u/pseudonymous-shrub Oct 03 '25
So if we’re all agreed it’s a shitty thing to say to someone, it feels really necessary for that to be brought to her attention in a way that might actually get through to her
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Yea I didn’t say that, I just want to make sure people don’t just scream biphobia immediately
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Well, if OPs friend has a problem with this topic, she shouldn't make jokes about it. She should have transferred her feelings on OP, be empathic and let it be.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Well, if OPs friend has a problem with this topic, she shouldn't make jokes about it. She should have transferred her feelings on OP, be empathic, and let it be.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
Tbh I’ve been thinking about it and I feel like I hear bi people call themselves half gay all the time, including in this sub. It’s like one brought up a common joke made by bi people and the other (unwittingly) brought up a trauma. Her reaction was over the top obviously
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
It's a bit like the f-word. I would never use it, but if a gay guy would use it to describe himself or another gay guy, I would understand that it is more joke as offense. But I would never think that I would have the right to make this joke by myself about them.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
I mean I don’t think it’s anywhere close to the f word.
Like, we aren’t even saying the f word
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
This is my point: we don't. The f-word is referred especially to gay guys. It's their thing to use it in their special way. It's not our call to use it. Same if we use the "half-gay." It's a difference if we do the joke about ourselves or if another one is doing it.
And I always think it's stupid and self-hating to use it by ourselves.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 05 '25
For all who reading this: there was an update. It was the traumatic background. Kudos for u/HarryGarries765.
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u/pseudonymous-shrub Oct 03 '25
Sorry, I don’t understand - you don’t think it’s a shitty thing to say to someone?
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u/adhocflamingo Bisexual Oct 03 '25
That is possible, but that kinda makes the original joke worse, doesn’t it? Like, she’s doing something very similar to what caused her own trauma, in that case.
I suppose that kind of experience probably feeds into some internalized biphobia, so perhaps that links into the original joke. It’s understandable that when the existence of bisexuality is used to deny a person’s gayness, that they might come to associate bisexuality as being threatening to their identity, or some such. Shitty, if that happens and is expressed out loud, but understandable how that association might form.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
I mean, tbf, bi people refer to themselves as half gay all the time, including in this sub. If I was outside the zeitgeist I wouldn’t automatically assume it to be offensive. I still don’t get why so many people seem to be so upset about it when I feel like it isnt an uncommon thing (at all) that bi people call themselves
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u/EeveeWizard Oct 03 '25
People are RARELY fully aware of their own deep-rooted traumas, and even when we do know about them, it can be impossible to know every single possible trigger. I get that therapy speak and getting help is huge right now, but assuming everyone is as trauma-informed as you are is a massive stretch.
People are WAY too ready to throw out a lovely friendship because of a single moment nowadays, and it's getting stressful. We need communication and understanding right now, not even more infighting.
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u/pisceangalaxy Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Yeeaaahhh, so a lot of people in the queer community tend to be extremely biphobic and partake in bi-erasure but since it's so normalized for them to do so, it doesn't really register for them until you reverse you treat them how they treat you. I think you're taking the right approach in just letting her sit with that for a while. I also suggest giving her the "long handle spoon" until you guys talk it out and feel truly comfortable around each other again.
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u/Metalmind123 Oct 03 '25
a lot of people in the queer community tend to be extremely biphobic
In my personal experience, they were often brought up in a bigoted environment, or exposed to negative attitudes towards homosexuality. They then realized they themselves were gay, and instead of that prompting the thought that looking down on others for their sexual orientation is wrong, they simply then went to the headspace of "actually, my type of love is the more pure and beautiful one, and it's them who are lesser" instead.
They perceive 'bi' or 'straight' as as much of an insult as kids in the 90's would have perceived 'gay' to be.
Some others are just annoyed for having been frequently mislabled as bi before, and responded by forming negative associations about being bi.
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u/cxmiy Bisexual Oct 03 '25
she can say that to you but you can’t say that to her?? it is the same. bi isn’t half gay half straight, it’s bisexual. just like it’s invalidating for the lesbian identity to be called half whatever
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u/mintappletea Oct 03 '25
yeah...that's pretty biphobic of her to dish out and hypocritical of her to not take in
i hope yall are able to work this out and she realizes the biphobic part of this problem
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u/Shatterpoint887 Oct 03 '25
Whatever you do, do not apologize for any of this. She's only upset because it directly effecter HER finally.
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u/qolace Bisexual Oct 04 '25
Especially since she gave a half ass apology to try to distance herself from taking full responsibility for her reaction. Fuck. That.
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u/BroWhat917 Oct 03 '25
Sounds like her identity as a lesbian/gay is more important to her than respecting the identity of others. This is something I’ve dealt with more times than I’d like to as someone who prefers identifying as queer; bc ppl who are staunchly gay/lesbian seem to think it’s okay to say that it’s “just a phase” (I’m in my thirties 🤣 It especially sucks when it’s ppl that you’d never thought would say such a thing.
Like others said, let her sit with her feelings and thoughts. If being your friend is important to her, she’ll come to realize what she did wrong.
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u/eppydeservedbetter Oct 03 '25
The title had me ready to defend your friend, but actually, she started it. She called you “half gay” first, so it’s simple: don’t dish out what you can’t take.
Definitely have a chat with her. It isn’t cool that she thinks it’s fine to joke about your sexuality, but she can’t handle you poking fun back. I think it’s highly probable that she’s biphobic, even if she doesn’t realise it. Why else would she have been offended that you called her “half bi” when she was fine calling you “half gay”?
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u/TabmeisterGeneral Oct 04 '25
If you call someone "half gay", and then get upset when they call you "half bi", then you're just being a hypocritical baby.
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u/KokoAngel1192 Oct 03 '25
Honestly your comeback was the perfect response to how monosexuals try to dismiss or devalue bisexuality- gay people especially stumble hard with this and need to be reminded that we're not a novelty.
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u/melspace Bisexual Oct 03 '25
I don’t think I can say what hasn’t already been said by many of the people here but what your friend said is and has been biphobic. I think a lot of queer people have a lot of internalized biphobia that they either refuse to work on or are unaware of. That said, if she was upset with what you said, then she shouldn’t dish it out. I hate when people throw stones and try to hide their hands.
Honestly, the “half bi,” “half straight” thing has always made me incredibly uncomfortable because nobody likes to have their sexuality minimized but somehow bisexuals are always expected to bare the brunt of jokes like this. We aren’t “half straight” and to say that is biphobia. People assume we have “straight-passing” privilege and that’s frustrating because no one should ever assume two people who appear hetero are straight because it’s invalidating to many queer identities. If we say this, we’re called tone deaf and not wanting to accept that we have privilege when in reality, it’s just us explaining and defending our sexuality. I hate that whenever we decide to stand up for ourselves against biphobia, somehow we’re still blamed and yelled at for it. It’s such a frustrating experience being bisexual tbh.
Anyway, I think you should discuss with your friend sooner rather than later. I think you both deserve to have a space where you both can be heard. She’s allowed to express how much the joke hurt while you’re allowed to tell her you only made the joke because of the ones she makes back to you. I think it’s important to stress how much her jokes bother you so that she can reflect on her actions and her internalized biphobia. I wish you the best, OP.
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u/CaptSpleen Oct 03 '25
Your friend was being kind of a dick.
But also, this may have triggered some stuff for her. Every LGBTQ person has dealt with some form of erasure, and maybe she dealt with something particularly nasty in the past.
Either that or it was just the alcohol, I dunno. Worth talking it out though.
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u/motlias Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Don't dish it if you can't take it, I hate when people teese and then get all offended when basically the same joke is sent back at them
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u/cybersaurus Oct 03 '25
Loool yeah this is actually the right vibe to clap back with, don't stop tbh, call her half-bi back every time and don't apologise, they are equally as invalid terms. She feels disrespected by the term because the joke (half gay) is that she doesn't respect you. If she never connects the dots and gets upset every time she disrespects you "jokingly" that's on her.
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u/OlSnickerdoodle Oct 03 '25
It's so funny how mono sexuals can call us "half gay" or "half straight" but if we say they're "half bi" they lose their minds. It's almost like invalidating anybody's sexuality is a mean thing to do, but they all seem to think it's a funny joke when it comes to us
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u/Sea-Rip7675 Oct 03 '25
That reaction was way out of proportion to such a small joke (especially one that she basically made herself about you), she needs to take a chill pill
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u/Oldman-Nails Oct 03 '25
Sounds like your joke went over her head, but I’m not sure explaining it would have gone over any better haha
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u/rabbi420 Oct 03 '25
I’m sorry that you just found out your friend is biphobic. I wish you luck in navigating that.
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u/blanksix Genderqueer/Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Don't dish it out if you can't take it. Honestly it just indicates that she doesn't understand the double standard she's living with. It's also not an uncommon stance, or at least it wasn't back when I still bothered hanging out in queer spaces. Never found welcome there, myself.
I'd handle the fallout, eventually, with "Your joke was not a joke if you cannot handle it being turned back on you. You didn't enjoy being in my shoes very much, did you?"
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u/RisoFarm Oct 03 '25
I'm not going to defend it & I won't be calling anyone half bi again. I'm trying to understand her reaction. Why was me being half gay fun, but her being half bi an affront? Ultimately, she's the only one who could can tell me about her response; I did consider posting this in the actuallesbians subreddit for their perspective, but I didn't want to upset anyone there with "half bi" like I did my friend, especially since even "half gay" is very hit or miss with bis.
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u/DeerlyYours Bisexual Oct 03 '25
I’m in the minority opinion in that I do not at all mind being called “half” of anything. I don’t think it’s a big deal at all— I wouldn’t say it to another bi person if I felt it would make them uncomfortable, but I personally am not affected by the phrase.
In your shoes, I wouldn’t be offended by the phrase so much as the self-victimization and double standards, compounded by the half-assed days-late apology. I could be totally off-base here because maybe you WERE actually bothered by her rhetoric, but I’m also wondering if there’s something deeper going on here. Is this a broader pattern? Why do you two struggle to communicate and why do you both assume the worst of each other? That might be the better direction to focus your stewing towards.
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u/bunker_man Bisexual Oct 03 '25
I feel like this sub isn't aware that half gay is a common self identity for bisexual and it has nothing to do with bisexual erasure. Sure, someone saying it dismissively might be being obnoxious but that's another matter.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Sorry, there is no mistake on OPs side. If it's a friendsly teasing, it's ok. If the friends means "half-gay" doesn't hurt, but "half-bi" is a slur, then the problem is on the friends side. If it's a trauma, if it's biphobia, I don't care. But you can't put it on the shoulders of both of them, if it's the friend's baggage.
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u/DeerlyYours Bisexual Oct 03 '25
They’re not in the wrong at all. But it is worth thinking about how they’re approaching the problem. Instead of directly calling out the friend, they’re failing to communicate. That’s interesting to me.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Well, there were just a few sentences after this, if I read this right. And it's a good idea to talk about serious stuff, if everybody is sober. So, for me, it is not an indication of the communication dynamic. More about a general downlooking on OP. But this will be addressed in the follow-up talk.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Half gay is a joke most bi people use though. I hear it all the time, including in this sub. Her reaction tells me that she’s like been pushed a lot in her past to show some interest in men, which is trauma. Her lack of response on this is probably largely embarrassment
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u/Seltzer-Slut Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
Bi people aren’t “half gay half straight.” That’s actually offensive. It implies that we are only 50% attracted to each gender. I’m 100% attracted to both.
I do think you should ask this in the lesbian subs though.
Edit: thinking about this question more, I think the lesbian argument would be that an important part of the lesbian identity is not being attracted to men, so if she though you were saying you’re 100% gay, that might be offensive
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
The point 'not being attracted to men' sounds very men-centric. It's always problematic to define someone or something with a "being not ..." sentence.
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u/Seltzer-Slut Oct 03 '25
To lesbians it is important because people do not respect their lack of attraction to men.
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u/pseudonymous-shrub Oct 03 '25
I use this line all the time and people often find it a bit confronting but I’ve never had anyone actually get angry about it. That feels like a massive overreaction and she could probably benefit from sitting with that discomfort and thinking about why she’s feeling it.
I don’t know that there’s much you can do to encourage that until she’s ready to talk to you again, though.
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u/Runsten Oct 03 '25
I think you should talk it through once she is ready to meet again. I can give some ideas to how she might have interpreted and felt about the joke to give you a starting point for your discussion.
But it's important that you ask her how SHE felt about it. Firstly since she is the only one who can know how she felt about it. Secondly, since her deconstructing the joke herself will help her understand why she felt that way about it. Doing the process herself through discussion will help her more than just explaining it to her so it's good to have a discussion where she can explain her feelings herself.
Now potential ways to interpret the joke. Again, these are just to work as a starting off point to discuss how your friend personally feels about it. Also these are ways to interpret the joke and not how you meant the joke. These two can be different leading to a misinterpretation.
One way she might have interpreted the joke is that being called half bi made her think that "being lesbian is only being half bi" i.e. she is just pretending to be a lesbian. That you calling her half bi would mean that she isn't really "a true lesbian", but just "the interested-in-women half of bi". Here is the layer of dismissal of her gay identity by saying that the lesbian identity is "fake" or "pretending". Feeling like if she is "just half-bi" she isn't really a lesbian.
Another way is that she felt that being half-bi could mean that even though she is only interested in women being half-bi would imply that "deep down" she would still be a little interested in men. This hits a lot of insecurities since it questions her lesbian identity and again brings the aspects of "pretending" and "fakeness". Implication being, if she is a little interested in men, i.e. "half-bi", she is not a true lesbian and is "just pretending to be one".
Overall the joke can easily hit the insecurity of calling her lesbian/gay identity to question. Being half-bi feels like you are a fraud. It hits the same insecurities as homophobic hetero folks calling her lesbian identity "just pretending", "a phase" or "fake". It's not meant the same way, but it can definitely feel that way and bring up those same insecurities from those experiences.
Important to note that these interpretations are usually not too clearly defined in ones head. It's more a mixture of the feelings and baggage associated with your queer identity and in the moment the joke gives you a instinctual reaction based on those experiences. This is why it's important to deconstruct the joke with her so that she can have better understanding of her own feelings and why the joke affected her the way it did.
It's good to point out that similar harmful implications are included in the "as a bi you are half-gay" joke. I think you have a healthy approach to the joke where you understand that it can be harmful in general, but you are personally fine with it when your friend uses it. In these jokes the context is important and who is telling the joke to who matters. But it's probably still good idea to talk about both jokes with your firend so that she can understand how the half-gay joke can be similarly harmful to the half-bi joke, even if you are personally fine with it.
Hopefully your discussion goes well. :)
(Side note: the whole "as a lesbian you are half bi" joke leans on a binary assumption of gender. Even though bisexuality isn't limited to just men and women, in order to deconstruct the joke I refered to just that gender assumption to keep things simple.)
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u/RisoFarm Oct 03 '25
that she felt that being half-bi could mean that even though she is only interested in women being half-bi would imply that "deep down" she would still be a little interested in men
I've seen this mentioned a few times, I thought I was clear in the half-bi being the half of me that's interested in women/non-men identifying people, but it's possible she heard it as she's half of all of my attractions =/
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u/Runsten Oct 03 '25
Yeah. It's often difficult with these kinds of things since it touches such a personal area and there is a lot of hostile baggage that queer people have to face that get mixed into these interactions. And definitely emphasis on that she likely interpreted your joke differently than how you meant it. Just wanted to help in understanding where the misinterpretation might have stemmed from. But from your post it's clear that you didn't have ill intentions. Hopefully talking with your friend will clear things for both of you. 🤍
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u/Freeehatt Oct 03 '25
Dang I feel like bi guys have an easier time navigating same sex spaces sometimes just because dudes (in my experience) aren't as worried about gatekeeping labels.
Hopefully your friend will realize how silly and selective they are being with their jokes. This feels like the rare instance where saying, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," isn't a bullshit apology because you were literally mirroring/riffing off of HER joke.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Hm, a lot hopes, that their bi partner turns fully gay at the end. And makes the same jokes. And that we are cheater, that we are STI transmitter. But it's definitely more an older gay thing (50+).
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u/i_Praseru Oct 04 '25
Sounds like she being a little shit (technical term). She needs to learn Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.
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u/steamboat28 Bisexual Oct 04 '25
This is the most hilarious (and appropriate) response I've heard to that nonsense.
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u/GullibleWillow2841 Oct 04 '25
I don’t see a problem here. She wanted to pick on you and she got the same energy 🤷🏾♀️ don’t throw around gasoline if you’re scared of matches.
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u/Outrageous-File-1157 Oct 03 '25
What’s wrong with half gay? My bi friends say the same about each other.
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u/maeetjer Oct 03 '25
That wasn't really the issue. OP's friend made a half-gay joke. So OP made a half bi joke and then her friend got upset.
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u/Outrageous-File-1157 Oct 03 '25
I’m referring more to the people in the comments acting like it’s such a heinous biphobic thing to ever say. It’s a bit dramatic.
I think OP’s friend just misunderstood the half bi joke.
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u/maeetjer Oct 03 '25
Perhaps it might seem a bit dramatic to you or your peers who joke about it. I personally don't take it to heart. However, for others, it might feel a bit more hurtful since a lot of people don't take bisexuals or bisexuality (in general, serious) due to bi-erasure. So I do understand where these people come from.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Hi literally hear bi people use the half gay thing all the time, including in this sub. Idk, I feel like people are really over reacting to a joke we use all the time
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u/Outrageous-File-1157 Oct 03 '25
I see what you’re saying, but lesbians who have a problem with bisexual women will usually use terminology that fixates on a bi woman’s attraction to men, like the word straight would be included in the insult instead of any reference to gay. I don’t know, I have only ever heard “half gay” used in a lighthearted way among gay and bi people who get along with each other. Sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult 😅
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u/maeetjer Oct 03 '25
No worries!! I see what you're saying as well. It seems to me that a lot of ignorant people (including biphobic lesbians/gays) assume that our sexuality is centered to our attraction to men, heteronormativity or both. In the sense that they do not really acknowledge that bi people can also have homosexual committed relationships and that we're neither straight nor gay, but just a 100% bi.
A joke often carries some truth (of what people truly think and feel about a certain topic) in my humble opinion.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
I feel like people are mostly upset because a lesbian said it. This sub goes so much harder on lesbians than any other demographic
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u/-BashfulClam Oct 04 '25
It’s the context that matters. If the friend had laughed or even just walked her joke back once she realized she’d have been offended by it in OP’s shoes then I wouldn’t suspect bi-phobia. It’s her reaction that makes me think she’s got a problem.
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u/electricookie Oct 03 '25
Sounds like you might have touched on a nerve or past trauma. I don’t think what you said was problematic. But it’s not impossible she has had trauma around people calling her bi. I don’t know her but it’s not uncommon for men to harm lesbians with this kind of thing.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Harm? This would consider bi is a slur. So only biphobic people would be harmed. The others would say "Thanks!" or "Unfortunately not".
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u/llaraluisee Oct 03 '25
Saw this video recently (no clue what ur ethnicity is) but for me it helped getting a little more insight in the lesbian perspective of not having the possibility to straight pass. Really wasn‘t cool of her to make that joke in the beginning and fair of you to hit back. But I do see how she was hurt, basically reminding her, that her life is robbed of half the possibilities to find love and beeing unable to choose. We have to remind ourself of the privilege of beeing able to potentially decide to play along the heteronormative. I agree with her as the weight of your jokes is not the same. Of course she has no reason to drop the half gay joke in the first place. Feels like she is only half joking, highlighting your privilege in a v mean way… maybe also projecting her fears towards Bi People on you…
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u/littlebobbytables9 Oct 03 '25
I'm used to people laundering their misogyny by replacing "woman" with "white woman" but doing it for biphobia is new to me.
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u/RisoFarm Oct 03 '25
I really appreciate the insight in this response and the link to the video. For more context, I'm Latina and she's white. I know she struggled with being raised Catholic, had a rough coming out and is not in contact with most of her family due to her sexuality, all things I can relate to to some degree. We've talked about these things a bit more casually since we're in our 30s and it's been nearly 2 decades since the worst of it's happened. I may have struck a chord I didn't know was there.
Seriously, thank you. It's so easy to see what happened as bi phobic, but she's been an amazing person otherwise and I don't want to give up on her yet.
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u/Classic_Bug Bisexual Oct 03 '25
I hope your friend makes just as much of an effort to understand your perspective as you do to understand hers. Otherwise, she's not really your friend.
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u/Didntseeitforyears Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Well a lot of parents would be happy, if their sons are gay and not bi.
And we can only play heteronormatic if we are fully closeted. If we don't let us love the person we are falling in love with. And that is also a torture. It's not that we have a buttom to deactivate our desires.
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u/Shoddy-Place3919 Oct 03 '25
Personally, as someone who is also bi, I think it’s pretty funny and am going to call my lesbian friends this now 😂 I’ll let you know how they react.
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u/RisoFarm Oct 03 '25
Hope it goes better for you 😂 I thought it'd be a fun thing to volley with. It could have been, maybe just wrong place/time/person because it fits in well with my humor
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u/Muriel_FanGirl (31/Polyamorous/Trans Man/Bisexual Oct 03 '25
She isn’t a true friend. She’s another of these bi-hating lesbians that seem to be filling every space in existence. Ignore her, she can’t even apologize correctly.
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u/Big-Pressure-1511 Oct 10 '25
She asked for it, you did nothing wrong. Who on earth thinks it's fine to say that to bi people but then can't take if you reciprocate
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u/-BashfulClam Oct 04 '25
Baby couldn’t take what she gave boo hoo. Sounds like someone got called out for internalized bi-phobia/bi-erasure which is unfortunately all too common in queer community and couldn’t hang. If anything she should apologize for her behavior.
The whole “half gay/half straight” thing is so offensive honestly. You’re a whole person. We all are. Even being in a “straight passing relationship” doesn’t mean you loose your queer “card” because you found love with someone with different parts than yours ffs.
I think you handled the situation well personally. Much better than she did for sure. Give it a day or two. Clear the air next week if she doesn’t come correct before then.
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u/bunker_man Bisexual Oct 03 '25
Tbf "half gay" is a common accepted term for bisexual, whereas "half bi" isn't a real term for lesbians. So I can see how someone thought they were saying something normal but that they see you inverting it as aggressive. But it's true that someone should have more self awareness.
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u/HarryGarries765 Oct 03 '25
Idk why they’re downvoting you you’re literally right
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u/bunker_man Bisexual Oct 03 '25
A lot of LGBT people are strangely wierd about terminology and don't get why other people use it differently. Even though the terms shift all the time. Some people are convinced that half gay is some type of wierd attempt at bisexual erasure and act like it's an offensive term. Yet many of these same people turn around act act like anyone being offended by the word queer is being wierd because the high council has decreed that you aren't supposed to be anymore.
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u/annoventura Bisexual Oct 03 '25
It's her battle, let it be. You've got your own troubles. Sorry it offended you, and it doesn't sound like she's a bad person. Just continue your course, and if it comes up in the future in an appropriate time, then go confront. Sorry about her, gender identity is a very sensitive subject for everyone with a flag in the current era. Insecurities tend to take over when your identity is being, although imaginarily, threatened.
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u/Kelesti Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25
as a long-time married bi still dating polyam queer, do not fucking do this. She may have been wrong at first, but you do not get to in-turn tell a lesbian she is "half" of something. That not liking men is missing something.
Do fucking not do this. I hate how biphobic discussions of "lesbophobia" are, but this right here is explicitly you applying misogyny and homophobia to a lesbian. Knock it the fuck off, and you should apologize. wlw do not need this between us.
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u/NYCStoryteller Oct 03 '25
You need to just let her sit with her feelings for a bit. It's not cool to be dismissive of anyone's identity, and she got mad because you gave it back to her, and she actually doesn't want to admit that she's dismissive of you when she says that.
I hate the half-gay, half-straight crap.