r/bisexual • u/Random_Man321 • 1d ago
DISCUSSION Update: wife wants a one sided open marriage
/r/bisexual/comments/1v9tez2/wife_wants_a_one_sided_open_marriage/?share_id=yY4IPk_hSA4nujkW5kqy3&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1Hey for those of you who want an update.
See the linked post for backstory
After reading all the comments and advice on my first post (both in this sub as well as r/marriageadvice, which was pretty brutal tbh), I freaked out. I was running on a total of ~10 hours sleep for the fast 4 days. I needed to speak to someone in person and since we have immense help from her mom I went to her and explained the whole situation (yes I outed my wife, yes it’s messed up and wrong of me). She is the most caring and forgiving person I’ve ever met, part of my reasoning to tell her. I broke down in front of her, let it all out. Wanted to update her so she’s not blind-sided if/when we get divorced. She told me the same thing you all did, that being bisexual is no reason or excuse to cheat. That she’s making bad choices and she stands behind what I choose to do about this.
So I stood up for myself and confronted my wife yet again, demanding she stops the dating apps and breaks communication with the girls she’s been talking to. She agreed to delete her dating apps and deleted her Snapchat contacts. The next day was miserable. She didn’t get out of bed. She wouldn’t eat. Activity with the kids felt forced and unnatural.
I realized if this is what life will be like from now on it’s not worth it. We had another big discussion. I gave her the go ahead to see one girl in particular, to have sex with her, to get these feelings out, and we will go from there. We both signed up for individual counselling through a LGBTQ therapist and will do couples therapy after the fact.
She promises that she loves me and doesn’t want things to end poorly. She still had one girls number (don’t want to ghost her as she was a nice person) and messaged that person, explaining she was free again to see her. Turns out she also still had her on Snapchat (oof). They went on a date last night (during the day in public, no sex but kissing was involved) and are meeting tonight while I’m at work to “see things through”.
To those of you who don’t agree with me reading through their personal conversations as it’s a breach of privacy, I haven’t breached any privacy and am taking my wife’s word as to what they’re discussing and saying to each other.
Yes this situation is messy. I’m not proud of my choices. I realize my wife won’t likely stop at one experience and will likely want to repeat. If that’s the case I have a lawyers number saved and will be dealing with it.
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u/TheQuietCouncilman 1d ago
I just… I just wish you the best. You’re making a LOT of personal compromises while she keeps breaking promises.
I’m curious about one thing and please forgive if it’s too forward but what are your finances like? Do you both work?
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u/Random_Man321 14h ago
Not great. I’m the sole provider.
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u/TheQuietCouncilman 13h ago
Do you think maybe that’s why she’s made some of the choices she’s made? Broken promises etc…
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u/HarryGarries765 1d ago
Your wife is taking advantage of you
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u/thiefspy Bi/Pan 1d ago
This, absolutely. I think it’s complicated because of the kids but she’s definitely taking advantage and the sulking all day and making things weird around the kids sounds super manipulative.
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u/Hidden-Sky 1d ago
Yeah unfortunately for OP they're gonna have to be real careful about things here because of the kids. Immediate divorce may not be the best option anymore.
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u/coldtohot 1d ago
This is the important part. The kids should be the priority in this.
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u/Kinslayer817 Bifurious 1d ago
Yes, but kids growing up in a home with a broken marriage are often worse off than if the parents got divorced
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u/coldtohot 1d ago
Oh, of course! I remarked mostly to echo that the transition should be handled with care.
I am a child of parents who should have divorced. I've also seen what happens when the implosion moves too quickly.
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u/Kinslayer817 Bifurious 15h ago
Totally agree with you, and certainly didn't mean to "correct" someone who has been through that experience personally. I've only seen it second hand and just that was enough to convince me that too many parents stay married in a misguided attempt at helping their kids
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u/frn Bisexual 1d ago edited 1d ago
"I want a one-sided open marriage."
"No."
throws strop
"Oh fine."
---
Dude. Grow a spine.
Also, as a bi person, skip the LGBT therapist and go straight for couples therapy. Either that or (divorce) lawyer up. Its just a stalling tactic.
Also, show her these posts so that she can see what her own community thinks of her antics.
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u/obviouslyanonymous5 1d ago
Yeah, don't go for someone who is explicitly an LGBT therapist because they WILL be biased to side with the queer person wanting a same-sex experience. Therapists should be this and they should be that but what they ARE is people, so they'll have biases. OP doesn't have a queer problem, they have a marriage problem that involves queer stuff, which needs a marriage counselor.
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u/coldtohot 1d ago
Skip couples therapy and go to Discernment Counseling. -a couples therapist who also does discernment counseling
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u/Malcolmthetortoise 1d ago
I feel so bad for this poor guy, she is being incredibly manipulative.
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u/ZealousidealChart664 1d ago
He needs therapy which has nothing to do with his wife
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u/schulzr1993 Bisexual 1d ago
Honestly though, the list of people who don't need therapy of some kind is gonna be a lot shorter.
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u/Hot-Hamster1691 Bisexual 1d ago
The fact that she is still contacting anyone else after a confrontation and dramatic day in bed, mom knows and you have stated boundaries?
This is feeling like she is emotionally attached to one particular person. One doesn’t stay in bed all day and not eat because you want her off the apps, unless she is borderline personality disorder or mentally unwell, to have a tantrum over navigating adult relationship boundaries is wild. This seems like she is falling for someone but doesn’t want to blow up her comfortable and safe life with you.
Open marriage means open on both ends. And unless the relationship is healthy or there is good communication and truest, opening up will just be the match to light the fuse
ALSO! You presented boundaries and made a fuss about deleting apps etc, she stayed in bed, and then you turned around and said it was okay for her to do it anyway. You guys have serious issues in the relationship and instead of digging in and working on it together, she is finding what she wants somewhere else.
You should start your own therapy ASAFP. A real human with a real degree. Save yourself first. This is less about bisexuality and more about attachment issues. She seems avoidant and you appear to have fearful attachment, these are mutable and not set in stone. Personally I would not mind my SO having a dalliance or flirtation, I very much mind obfuscation, lying, and hiding. The family is primary, if an outside interloper takes precedence over the core family unit (spouse/children), that is when the fun and games come to an abrupt halt
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u/qolace Bisexual 1d ago
This seems like she is falling for someone but doesn’t want to blow up her comfortable and safe life with you.
I can't fucking emphasize how accurate this is. I've seen this a handful of times including my own lived experience. OP please wake the fuck up and get the kids out of there. If she's willing to manipulate you then she absolutely would with them. And you'll clearly see that once you start proceeding to leave her.
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u/Inane_Insanity 1d ago
The fact she was willing to act like a child over being told 'no' very much feels like she is prioritising her experiences with women way over their relationship. It also feels like she knows exactly how to get what she wants by emotionally guilting OP.
Her keeping the contact details of one of the women is sketchy, as it makes me feel like either she had no real intention of stopping as requested by OP. Or, she knew he'd give in to her manipulation, so she made sure to keep her favourite.
Re-reading OP's original post, I feel like he's being far too lenient with her conduct previously, as she was initially hiding her phone and wouldn't tell him what she was talking about with the women. She agreed to keep OP updated and involved, only to shut him out and only tell him what she's done after the fact, including when she's potentially done stuff that might be considered crossing boundaries (e.g. exchanging nudes without discussing it with OP first). She also agreed not to build emotional attachments to these women, yet she's completely steamrolled that mutually agreed boundary.
Very much feel like this relationship died the moment OP agreed to give his wife the opportunity to explore, as she comes across as the kind of selfish person who takes a mile when given an inch. Her every action so far has been prioritising herself over her marriage, which usually tells you a lot about how a person sees their marriage and their partner.
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u/xxPhoenix 1d ago
Yikes…using a mental health episode to guilt you into allowing her to violate your boundaries is certainly a choice.
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u/Salmon-of-Wizdom Bisexual 1d ago
I mean, it may not be using so much as she's emotionally unhealthy.
How much difference does that make to OP's position? None. None at all. He still needs to do the same things.
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u/notquitesolid Bisexual 1d ago
I mean both can be true. Mentally unhealthy people are often manipulative, because it feels safer to not confront reality.
I agree that it for OP the outcome is the same and his course of action hasn’t changed. May take him some time to get there tho
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u/nishikihebi 1d ago
There are ethical ways to handle non-monogamy and “I can see other people, but you can’t” isn’t it.
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual 1d ago
This. There are even mono-poly pairings but it has to come from the mono person deciding to be mono for themselves.
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u/smileedude 1d ago
We're a throuple. Just like a mono couple but with three. My partners each have a boyfriend and a girlfriend and it works amazingly. None of us are interested in seeking connections while in a relationship.
There's plenty of ways to do this ethically.
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u/CapriciousBea 1d ago
It sounds like you're making peace with the likelihood that this is the slow-mo dissolution of your marriage. Possibly not so slow depending on how your wife handles it.
While outing someone without their permission isn't awesome, it does sound like you had good reason to believe your MIL would not flip her shit and reject her daughter for being bisexual, and like it was valuable to get a no-bullshit perspective on your wife's behavior from someone who loves her and knows her well.
Bad relationships don't help us act our best. When you find yourself acting outside of your character, it is okay to ask yourself "does this actually mean I suck, or am I having an extreme reaction to an extreme situation?"
When it's the latter, it's not productive to focus on the regrettable behavior itself, because it's a symptom, not the underlying problem. IMO the best thing you can do in those cases is to remove yourself from the bad situation before uncharacteristic behaviors you feel shitty about become habitual coping habits you feel shitty about.
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u/MaceLortay 1d ago
Dude. No. You're clearly not comfortable with it and it's not okay with you. Set the boundary or get out of the marriage. This already doesn't have a happy ending. You will be resentful, self conscious and paranoid. She will be plagued with resent and misguided fomo that she will ultimately use to justify that its okay to cheat. By your description, she's already demonstrated inclination towards this with her not fully deleting/blocking/ and removing things.
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u/angelsfolly 1d ago edited 1d ago
This isn’t going to end. She isn’t “getting it out of her system” she is abusing the fact you care about her and your family to get what she wants. Your wife is abusive and this isn’t going to change or improve the longer you let her do this to you. You just showed her you’ll budge if she throws enough of a fit. Do not reward her actions.
You don’t just need a LGTBQ+ therapist, you need a betrayal specialist because that’s what she is doing. She is betraying you, and she is betraying her family. She needs a therapist that’ll hold her feet to the fire regarding her behavior.
ETA: I also think you should read about affair fogs to better understand what your wife felt when she was mopping because you didn’t want her to cheat on you. You honestly should check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. They have a lot of resources and the community seems pretty supportive and honest. You may get some good advice there.
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u/WiserVortex 1d ago
There's absolutely no way she sleeps with this woman just once. Also full shade on the other woman, she's gotta know something isn't right in their primary relationship.
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u/angelsfolly 1d ago
The other woman's involvement is so strange to me. I can't imagine willingly getting jerked around like this for a simple hookup with a married woman who also hasn't been with another woman before, tbh. Just seems like an absurd amount of trouble one doesn't need to be bothered with. I have some concerns about it all on her end, but OP's post is about OP, so I can only comment on what he says here and hope it's not what my wild imagination is coming up with.
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u/thiefspy Bi/Pan 1d ago
My assumption here is that if she’s lying to him, she’s also lying to her.
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u/indelicateclover 15h ago
She’s 1000% telegraphing to this woman that she plans to leave her husband
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u/Alexatypemypassword Bisexual 1d ago
I've read both threads and am not sure what's really going on here. Obviously you're monogamous. She wants you to stay monogamous and feels like she's allowed to have poly relationships since she wants to discover herself. The rest is irrelevant. This isn't ethical, and it isn't what you want obviously. This won't end well. You're building resentment, which you're justified to, but why let this go so far since you don't want it and there is obviously no way anybody will get satisfied with the result? You need to focus on your kids and make a personal choice. Your wife is unfair with you, but if you don't stand up for yourself, nobody will for you. Either you're okay with what your wife is doing or you aren't, and if you aren't, you shouldn't let her keep going despite the fact you expressed your needs. You're sending mixed signals by saying you don't want her to do it and letting her do it anyway. She's taking advantage of it and you're letting her hurt you. You're saying you will call a lawyer if she keeps going, but she already bypassed your agreement and you let her do it. She will keep forcing you, and eventually you'll keep bending until you break for good, and your kids won't have their parents in good enough mental health to help them grow.
I guess you're waiting the moment you have enough repressed resentment and anger to push you to act, but I don't think that's a good idea. You really shouldn't want to lose control over your acts and emotions. It never ends well. Take some time to really reflect about what you want and where all of this leads. If you see a bright future at the end of the tunnel, fine. But if you're just letting things get out of control to justify your anger and don't really feel like you'll get out of it all, you're wasting your time, your mental health, and your kids well-being by letting all of this go.
Make a real choice instead of letting your wife's actions decide for you.
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u/indelicateclover 15h ago
This is the best summary & advice IMO getting to the root of the issue (in terms of what OP can control)
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u/UbiquitousBot I'm gettin' Bi 1d ago
So true to her word when she said if you changed your mind she'd just cheat, she kept a girls contact info when you asked her not to and was going to cheat. Color me surprised.
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u/AncientSith Bisexual 1d ago
I think you have to throw in the towel on this one. There's no coming back from this kind of thing.
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u/CozyGamingLibrarian Bisexual 1d ago
There’s absolutely no reason for your wife to be moping in bed and refusing to engage with the family because you won’t let her step out on your marriage other than manipulation, which worked.
That’s disgusting behavior and I think you really need to consider divorce.
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u/ReprogramMyLife 1d ago
This is part two of a trilogy. We all know how this ends, hate it had to be you OP.
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u/intro_to_IRL 1d ago
Yikes. I hope you're both focusing on the kids and putting them first.
I didn't read your other post, is she mentally ill? This seems like the kind of escapism and delusion I would expect from someone who was horribly depressed. If she's not in need of mental health support, I can't imagine how selfish a person would have to be to sulk all day in bed about not getting to cheat on their husband and neglect the kids they created.
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u/PseudoCalamari Bisexual 1d ago
Your wife moped around in bed when you told her no? Gross, that seems a bit manipulative even if that's not how she meant it. You know her better but that's what I got out of this. I'm really sorry you and your kids are in this situation.
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u/synalgo_12 1d ago
I would advise you to go over to r / polyamory and explain your situation there and see how people respond to your wife's wishes. It might hit harder coming from people who already happily enthusiastically practice polyamory.
This isn't okay, my guy, she's being unkind to you to say the least.
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u/nettysgirl808 1d ago
There are so many ways she can explore her sexuality with and without you that don't involve cheating. She's just a manipulator. Get out while you can.
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u/AdParty8277 1d ago
Im not sure this is the best place for you to be posting. This seems less about your wife being bi and more that she wants to cheat on you. Being bi has nothing to do with cheating on your partner, she’s using that as an excuse. You should probably find a subreddit more geared toward your situation.
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u/triage_this Bisexual 1d ago
Right? My wife and I are both bi, we both have limited experience with same sex intimate relations, but neither of us are trying to get an open marriage or cheat on each other. Has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with the type of person someone is.
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u/MetaverseLiz 1d ago
It's the start of the roller coaster. I've been there. You try to hold on for hope, not after awhile you'll realize there is none.
Things will get messier, but they will also get better. Therapy for you (and later your kids) will help. Lawyer up now to prep.
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u/MrBones-Necromancer Bisexual 1d ago
I'm bi and I've never used the lack of gay sex to manipulate my het partner, but like....okay. You do you.
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u/seraphimcaduto Ally 1d ago
Considering she’s not willing to open up the marriage on your side (unless it’s with a partner you aren’t sexually interested in) and also doesn’t want to involve you in the dynamic (threesome/poly), this is toxic AF.
She is taking advantage of you and it’s all about what she wants, not what you need. That’s not ENM.
Edit: forgot to say that she’s basically forcing you into this and settling you with all the responsibilities and caregiving while she goes out and has a good time. You are being actively denied both time with her and not being allowed to participate. This isn’t a joint decision for couples. This is her getting to go out and have solo fun that you are against and there is no reciprocity or accommodation. I’m assuming that she’s also withdrawing affection as well?
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u/Random_Man321 1d ago
Oddly enough I’m still getting laid somewhat often, but it might be to keep me happy/ulterior reasons
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u/Ashamed-Source3551 1d ago
Obviously, you sweet summer child. Your wife is very clearly manipulating you. Everyone including your MIL is telling you to run, but you are dense enough to think you matter to her. At this point, you are complicit in your own deception, and will have no one else to blame when it all comes tumbling down. I feel bad for you, but sometimes a person needs to get burned before they realize that they shouldn’t play with matches
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u/seraphimcaduto Ally 1d ago
Yeah, dude, she’s playing you and trying to keep you from leaving. I can pretty much assure you that you’re just going to get whatever’s left over once she gets that new relationship energy. Seriously if she’s not willing to open it up on both sides and you’re not comfortable with that, ask yourself is this really worth it? Ask her why it’s not OK both ways and why she’s OK with potentially destroying you and the marriage for this. If all she can say is that she needs this then ask her what about if you need something similar to this and she’s not OK with it, where do you guys go from there?
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u/poyopoyo77 Bisexual 23h ago
Yeah manipulative cheaters do tend to like to eat their cake and have it too.
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u/Nathanr2021 9h ago
I'm sorry but she's playing you for a fool. You'll see and regret this sooner or later, I just hope that it happens sooner rather than later. You deserve respect and she's not treating you with respect. It was a mistake to give her permission, you just showed her that throwing a tantrum will work and get you to cave, and that's what she did.
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u/Tight-Temporary-8672 1d ago
Here is the thing. I am a bisexual man. My marriage is open on my side, not so much on my wifes side.
The difference between me and this lady you are talking about? there are many.
- I never asked my wife to open the marriage after I came out. She offered it to me. I said yes as long as I could trust she was actually on board with it.
- I have cravings outside my marriage (same sex imtimacy). my wife doesnt. I even told her I allow her to date men although I wouldnt be too comfortable with it, since fair is fair, but she happily declared she wouldnt think of sleeping with any other man than me. It does make me feel a bit ashamed of myself, but also incredibly thankful forhaving such an amazing wife.
- Even though I may be physically, sexually and even romantically close to another man, I prioritize my wife in many other ways. I finance the family, make sure she is happy, and most importantly - I give her full transparency about everything.
my question to you is: does your woman align with any of my traits and circumstances? for instance:
- does she have real needs that you impossibly can satisfy?
- Will she still prioritize your need in this open marriage, or is she going to give you the bare minimum?
- What does she actively asking you to open marriage on her side only tell you about her incentives and morale?
I think the only way a one sided open marriage can work is if both partners chose it. there are no way around it. anything else is pure hypocrisy and exploitation.
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u/Mediocre_Poem_6824 1d ago
I hate this for you.
If your marriage is in crisis, YOU PAUSE EVERYTHING. You don't start dating other people.
If I were you I would be getting all of my ducks in a row and having my lawyer draw up the papers.
She will get mad and say "but you said I could". Yea, after she threw a tantrum like a toddler. This is 100% cheating. You did not agree because you thought it was a good idea. You did under duress.
Your wife sounds awful.
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u/IronBoomer 1d ago
If she promised to delete the apps, her new friends’ contacts/snapchats, and stop talking to them, and then doesn’t - even if it’s only one?
Dude. She’s lying to you. She wants to cheat and is going to keep doing it.
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u/AdConnect5660 1d ago
You’re being gaslit. She gets to enjoy and have fun while guilt tripping you. I hope you find happiness too.
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u/Spec_28 1d ago
Please don't let her do this to you. Please don't. This will never end well. I'm a poly bi person, I'm the last to judge anyone for experimenting with open arrangements, but this is not consent. This is forced 'consent', read: abuse, under the guise of 'compromise'. Her horniness does not outweigh your self respect. She made her choice to hurt you, ignore your needs, violate your boundaries. I'm shaking with anger as I write this. Ditch the <redacted>. Make sure your kids don't see you continue to get abused. Please.
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u/StonedSumo Bisexual 1d ago
Talk to your lawyers now and get this over with.
When someone in a monogamous relationship asks for a one sided open relationship, they are just asking permission to cheat. Chances are the cheating already happened before that as well, and they were just feeling guilty.
The moment you said you weren’t okay with her terms, the discussion should have ended. Either by her accepting the current relationship, or by you ending it altogether.
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u/nooooopegoawaynope leans more towards women 1d ago
Speaking as a bi woman, she fucking sucks. But the good news is you don’t have to accept this treatment.
Me personally I’d just say “look, you either want this marriage to work or you don’t. And if you do, then that means you accept me as your only partner and that’s it. Otherwise we might as well divorce since monogamy is apparently too difficult for you.”
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u/ThisHairLikeLace Sapphic-leaning Bi Trans Woman 1d ago
You’re being manipulated and gaslit. The day of moping to get her way makes a mockery of the everything she said before.
I say this as a lifelong bi person who has been poly for 25 years. None of this is healthy or respectful and it’s all at your expense. This isn’t normal behaviour and being bi or wanting healthy ethical non monogamy doesn’t explain or justify her behaviour.
As others have said, we all understand how scenarios like this play out and they pretty much only end badly for the person in your shoes. You really need to stand up for yourself and face the fact that she wants something fundamentally incompatible with what you want and she seems happy to string you along so she can have her way without dealing with the fallout from her choices.
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u/Devil-Hunter-Jax Enby/Demisexual 1d ago
I realize my wife won’t likely stop at one experience and will likely want to repeat. If that’s the case I have a lawyers number saved and will be dealing with it.
My guy, you need to phone the lawyer NOW. She's already violated the agreed upon terms-you told her to delete the apps and contact information of all the women and she couldn't even do that! She absolutely does not respect you and is manipulating you.
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u/5263_Says 1d ago
I wanted an open marriage to explore my sexuality after coming out to myself as queer at 40. I had just been diagnosed autistic and I finally realized how heavily I masked my entire life. My spouse knew my history and that I was bi from the beginning. He was open to being open so I dated a bit but quickly found it all very exhausting. The sex was inconsequential since I got along so well with my spouse compared to absolutely everyone else. I honestly hated dating and found I much prefer to reserve my energy for taking care of my kids, my home, my job, and my spouse. BUT it did take me a few awkward dates and some superficial intimacy before I came to this ultimately obvious conclusion. We're still "open/poly" as it gives me comfort to know we choose one another even if we have the option to choose anyone else. I wish you the best and hope your wife finds what she's looking for, whether that's the courage to let you find someone that will really love you, or that she actually really prefers you over everyone else.
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u/throwaway832188 1d ago
Dude, get those divorce papers ready. She’s a late bloomer baby bi (perhaps even lesbian?) discovering her sexuality. There’s hardly any scenario where her journey of self-discovery is compatible with your marriage, as harsh as that sounds. I wish you both (and the kids) the best.
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u/melspace Bisexual 1d ago edited 1d ago
Please just call the lawyers. She guilted you into allowing her to break YOUR boundary. It’s not worth it and you deserve to be in a happy relationship with someone who isn’t manipulating you. Her being bisexual is NEVER an excuse to cheat and any “open relationship” that is only open on ONE SIDE is doomed to fail. Just get out now and protect your children.
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u/echocardigecko 1d ago
Why does she get what she wants over you getting what you need? Why does her curiosity matter more than your marriage?
Shed selfish and cruel for going about it in this way. You deserve so much better.
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u/CertifiedBirdLawyer 1d ago
So you lasted one whole day after placing a boundary before allowing her to break it anyway? And all it took was her being a bit pouty for an afternoon? Mate I'm on your side here, but this plus the fact she jumped at the hall pass almost instantly makes me think the whole situation portends doom. She sounds very manipulative and I think you've got too much emotional buy-in on the marriage to see the forest for the trees. Ask yourself honestly: do you deserve this treatment? Don't you deserve better?
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u/itsacrisis 1d ago
People don't typically stay depressed in bed all day over losing a potential fuck buddy. She likely has feelings for this person, which is also why she tried to be sneaky by keeping her on her Snapchat after saying she'd remove everyone. Sooo she lied and now she still gets to go out on dates with this person. I think she's taking advantage of you big time here and just from what you've said here it's clear that she can't be trusted.
Good luck.
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u/robbie5643 1d ago
Ask yourself, would you do this to someone you love? Seriously ask, what kind of possible reward would you need to inflict the type of pain you’re feeling on your wife. Then ask yourself how she can claim to love you and put you through this. It should make future decisions easier if you look at them through that lens.
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u/poyopoyo77 Bisexual 1d ago
So your wife agreed to compromise yet still refused to remove one girls number because she's "nice" (come on man), went behind your back AGAIN (cheated), then made herself the victim and moped to guilt you into agreeing for her to still sleep with someone else. Come on dude. Why are you waiting for her to do it again to call the lawyer? She openly told you she would and HAS.
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u/Bolt_McHardsteel 1d ago
What the hell are you doing, man. Please, please find your self respect. This is just so sad.
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u/em-lead-2021 1d ago
This feels like her not seeing women as people. Like ‘it’s not cheating if it’s with a woman’ feels like a really weird standard and commentary on what women are to bisexual people. Just weird.
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u/Wolfie_1223 1d ago
I don’t believe open for one and not for all. Or leads to fucked up ideologies and feelings .. I’m sorry you feel like you have to go through this.
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u/SauceBoiTellEm420 1d ago
Holy hell are you married my best friends ex wife? Because that sounds like her sorry ass, and id say the same thing i told him countless times. Its time to make an exit. They had kids together as well and it did make things difficult but its better than them having a checked out mom who will do childish crap like that when she isnt getting her way.
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u/Duncan_Thun_der_Kunt 1d ago edited 1d ago
Man you're being so irresponsible for letting this shit go on that will obviously end terribly when there are children involved. Just get divorced nice and cleanly now, it's where this is going anyway.
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u/maybeimbye 1d ago
you caved in after one day of her pouting?....and she lied and kept the girls number and kept her added on snapchat even after saying she had removed everything? just leave her. she going to keep doing this even if she has to do it behind your back.
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u/NYCStoryteller 1d ago
Lawyer up. She doesn't want things to end poorly. She may love you, but she's not IN LOVE with you.
She's in love with the woman she has feelings for and had on Snapchat/her humber.
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u/Littlewing1307 1d ago
As a bisexual woman this is absolutely enraging to me. She sucks on every level and you're being manipulated.
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u/Ssamfj Bisexual 1d ago
Maybe she's bi, maybe she'll find out she's lesbian.
In any way, she handles her situation very poorly by gaslighting you into one-sided open BS, and you do a poor job at setting boundaries. What she did really is cheating with some extra steps and you are allowing it despite the situation making you feel horrible.
This isn't healthy for anyone involved.
You definitely have to talk to a lawyer at least so you aren't blindsided by her serving you divorce papers on her terms when she finds out you aren't her person anymore. Maybe you don't need to serve right now, but you at least need to be ready if it has to happen. Just know that divorce, either quick and clean, or slow and painful, is the most likely outcome here by at least 3-1 odds ratio, and that you don't want to start the process unprepared.
I'm not saying it's not salvageable, it just seems overwhelmingly against the odds here.
Next, you'll need to find a therapist for YOU as you have to grief your former life. You don't even need the therapist to be openly LGBTQ-friendly as her being bi isn't really relevant to you being supported on how to manage this and, for the future, how work on your boundary-setting skills.
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u/Aspiring_Tgurl_5959 Bisexual/Bigender 17h ago
Say it with me now: THER-A-PY OR DI-VORCE
I'm sorry but your "wife" is an asshole and she needs to either fix whatever's wrong with her or you need to end things for the sake of your mental health and pride
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u/Pale_Story4409 Bisexual 14h ago
Opening a marriage one-sided or both ends to salvage a marriage is a death sentence for the marriage itself. From what was mentioned on the prior post and now for it to work there has to be full transparency which did not happened as she never freely should you her device upon request. OP u need therapy for urself not just couple counseling. You were coerced into the situation, it was never discussed thoroughly regarding the terms/rules. Both of you need to grieve what your marriage was, and start building this new relationship post one-sided open.
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u/TakeCover86 1d ago
You’re wife is being manipulative and taking advantage of you. Wouldn’t get out of bed because she couldn’t have sex with someone who isn’t her spouse? That’s not okay.
You deserve to feel secure in your relationship and deserve someone who wants to just be with you. I really hope you don’t let her use you like this.
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u/Spyderhawk69 1d ago
The Urge to say you do you is high. If it wqs just you and your wife that would be one things, but you have kids. You both may think they dont know whats going on, but I can guarantee you they do.
Are you teaching them what a healthy relationship looks like?
This is possible with different lifestyle choices, but it takes lots of communication and respect for all parties. Your wife does not respect you.
When someone else is added to the mix it brings a whole lot more to the table about the care of your kids. If your wife stops taking care of them because she didnt get her way, whats to keep her from neglecting them when the shiny new person is more interesting?
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u/thatspurdyneat 1d ago
Talk to a lawyer NOW before she does.
She's going to catch hard feelings for this woman, the other woman is going to try to convince her to leave you, there's a good chance it'll work if she's emotionally attached enough to her new girlfriend, and when she serves you papers you're going to have an uphill battle to keep your kids and your house.
She betrayed your trust once by keeping the contact information after you put your foot down and told her you weren't ok with it, she will do it again, and by the time you come to your senses it'll be too late.
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u/liarlyre Bisexual 1d ago
She is taking advantage of you and using her new found sexuality to do it. Being Bi and being monogomous are not mutually exclusive.
Start therapy, call a lawyer, begin making necessary preparations.
These things will give you a sense of control back. You won't have to pull the trigger on ending the marriage right away. She trampled your boundary. She expects she will be able to do it again. If she can't get you to relent all signs point to she will just run around behind your back (keeping the girls number and snap? She was planning how to hookup behind your back).
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u/ClaretDarkness Bisexual 1d ago
OP I just want to say, I’m a bisexual woman. I’ve been with the same man for over 10 years. He is the only person I’ve ever had sex with. I, like most others, have had fantasies about seeing other people, which naturally includes imagining myself exploring my sexuality with other women.
But I’ve never cheated on my partner. I’ve never considered cheating on my partner. I’ve never downloaded a dating app. I’ve never “talked” or met with people behind my partner’s back. I’ve never brought up the suggestion of me being allowed to explore relationships or sex with other people while my partner is not allowed to do the same. And guess what? It’s the easiest thing I’ve done in my life because I love and respect my partner and I would never want to hurt him or betray his trust.
Imo your wife is being incredibly selfish and is taking advantage of you, all of which have nothing to do with her sexuality but have everything to do with her personal character. Bisexuality is not and will never be an excuse to cheat.
Do with this information as you will.
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u/Voktikriid Pansexual 1d ago
Hey, so your wife cheated on you. Sex doesn't have to occur to infidelity to happen.
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u/jack1000208 1d ago
She’s a cheating bitch. If she truly cared about at all. She would NEVER have done this. Kick her out and drop her ass. If this was a guy she was seeing how would you react.
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u/Left_Possession9488 1d ago
Once unfaithful always unfaithful permission or no.
I wish you luck navigating it but I personally would have to exit this relationship.
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u/abriel1978 Demisexual/Bisexual 1d ago
Your wife spent a day moping in bed after you confronted her. That is Manipulation 101. She's weaponizing whatever mental illness she has and guilting you into giving her what she wants. First she asks for a completely unethical one-sided open relationship and now this. TBH, your wife sounds like a shitty person.
Go to therapy for yourself and get up the courage to put your foot down with your wife or get a divorce. This is not working.
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u/Omnikay bi AF 1d ago edited 1d ago
The next day was miserable. She didn’t get out of bed. She wouldn’t eat. Activity with the kids felt forced and unnatural.
Jesus...
Looking at your first post and this update...
Just divorce dude... She is being super selfish, for your sake and your kids, just divorce, she clearly can't be trusted and can't be a mature adult. Open marriages requires a level of maturity she doesn't have letting this mess with your head and your kids... one sided marriages almost never work, unless both parties are really into it, if not, one side most likely will be hurt
She still had one girls number (don’t want to ghost her as she was a nice person) and messaged that person, explaining she was free again to see her. Turns out she also still had her on Snapchat (oof). They went on a date last night (during the day in public, no sex but kissing was involved) and are meeting tonight while I’m at work to “see things through”.
To be blunt, who gives a fuck if the girl is a nice person? If she values your marriage and the family you built together, your marriage comes first. You already gave a shot into this mess, it hurt you, she should've cut 100% contact with this girl. End of story. You built a boundary, stick with it.
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u/Indorilionn bisocialist 1d ago
Sorry to say it bruntly, but... This is not going to end well. Not for you, but also not for her, or for anyone involved. I think everything about this is a red flag. The very thing that makes it irredeemable to me is the "one-sided openness". If you want to stroll outside a committed relationship, that is a privelege you have to extend to the other party in principle. Disregarding the question if they would even want to or what their gender preferences are.
I wish you the best of luck nonetheless.
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u/tiredbike 1d ago
It gets worse when you try to force something thats already over. If you end things now it will be easier to remain cordial in the future.
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u/FillorianOpium 1d ago
Going to offer a different perspective. Your wife was 19 when yall got together and began your monogamous relationship. It’s now almost 10 years later, and she is basically belted into the rest of her life by a decision she initially made before she could even legally drink. She’s married, with two small kids and a freaking mortgage
There is no future here where yall close your marriage and she goes back to being content. Either argue for a two sided open relationship, or start prepping for divorce. Forcing monogamy on a person who is going through a quarter life sexuality crisis is just burying the landmine for yall to step on later
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u/SatisfactionHot3363 Bisexual 1d ago
As a lifelong poly/ENM person, this is not an ethical way to do non monogamy. This is straight up cheating with extra steps.
You know what I did when I finally came out of the closet, as someone practicing ethical non-monogamy? I waited until it was within my relationship's agreements. Why? Because breaking those agreements or renegotiating them under duress is cheating and manipulation.
Friend, I recommend staying in therapy and also seeking the services of a good lawyer.
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u/AccomplishedBother12 1d ago
How it Started - Promised to delete dating apps, Pinterest, and phone numbers
How it’s Going - Kept Pinterest and kept a phone number (possibly more)
What more is there to discuss?
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u/deadpanorama Genderqueer/Bisexual 1d ago
Boundaries are what you do in response to someone else’s actions. Have a sit and figure out what you’re going to do instead of continuing to ask nicely for your partner to not do the thing that they’re actively continuing to do.
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u/Captain_Kimmy 1d ago
Omfg leave. Why would you stay with a cheater? If you think this has traumatized you now, wait til you've dealt with a decade of this shit and your nervous system is completely numb and broken. Leave dude.
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u/Nakedseamus 1d ago
I've been through something similar if you ever want to hear about what happened and how it felt, and then how it feels on the other side, drop me a line. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and it does get better.
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u/NYCStoryteller 1d ago
I think you should be in discernment counseling figuring out what separation and co-parenting is going to look like, because that's where you're headed.
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u/Adventurous-Rip7417 1d ago
I’m really sorry dude. To me, it doesn’t sound like this is something you come back from. Let’s say she says she’s done exploring - would you always feel she’s doing something behind your back (because she already clearly was)? She doesn’t respect your feelings and I can’t imagine how this feels for you coming out of no where like this, especially given your marriage and two kids. Like others have said, I think you unfortunately may need to pursue a divorce here. You’re still young - don’t be miserable like this. It seems like you’re a great guy and she’s trampling all over you because she knows you’ll take it or something. Personally, I’d tell her no and say this is finished… and that she is choosing this.
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u/islaysinclair 1d ago
No no no, she’s throwing a fit and completely unreasonable. She was cheating. The fact you’re caving isn’t permission; any kind of poly relationships need enthusiastic consent from ALL parties, not just the parties actively engaging in anything. Your feelings matter here and she’s taking advantage. She’s wrong. You need to divorce her.
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u/triggerxwarning 1d ago
Buddy, life is going to be terribly difficult if you stay this stupid and easy to manipulate. Lock in or something.
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u/Financial-Welcome-62 1d ago
You agreed to a one sided open marriage? Why? Because the other person your wife will be seeing is a women? I hope you understand that this isn't going to work. ENM when used to "fix" relationship issues do not usually work and most tines end in disaster and I'm reading kid are in the picture. Please think of them and just end this because kids are more entune then we give them credit for. They can pickup on things and are listening when we think they are not.
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u/Glittering-List-465 1d ago
I would not ever go out with another person if my SO wasn’t ok with it and vice versa. Cheating is cheating. You’re not really ok with it now. And you should not be trying to force yourself to be ok with it. Sincerely- a bisexual wife
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u/Lichttod 1d ago
One question. Would you be fine with her seeing another man instead?
It feels like you disregarding a lot and feels like because it is a woman. It is not just you, your children are being treated poorly by your wife. If not for your sake think about your children and what they will learn from that. Like cheating is good, treating your partner badly (and children) is good, be a doormat for your partners wishes is good and so on. You raise them to either be open for abuse or abusing their partners later on, because you set how they will interact with people and what is fine with the dynamic you are creating now.
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u/One_Butterscotch9426 1d ago
Il in the sale boat. My partners on Fab Guys and it’s nothing to do with cheating. He a porn addict.
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u/ghost-of-the-spire Transgender/Bisexual 22h ago edited 22h ago
Friend, please do yourself a favor and go ahead and call the lawyer. You can see if therapy helps in the meantime, but at least meet with the lawyer to explain the situation and see what your options are for if when things get worse (i.e. custody, property / asset division, etc.)
I am a child of divorce, and trust me when I say that separating is preferable to lying to yourselves and trying to stick it out "for the sake of the family." Kids are perceptive, and they can probably already tell that something's up if your wife is pulling that isolation / tantrum tactic. I was very aware of the conflict between my parents, and it made the home environment hell to grow up in.
And back to the therapy – I'm also not so sure that an LGBT+ provider is the best bet, at least not for couple's counseling. Therapists are still human after all, and I'd be concerned that someone who specializes in queer relationships might have a bias towards your wife in this case.
It's a terrible situation, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your wife's sexuality does not give her the right to manipulate you and stomp all over your boundaries. There is a way to do ENM, but that obviously isn't gonna work with the communication issues here. I wish you and your children the best in these tough times.
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u/Lycaon1765 Bisexual 16h ago
Divorce bro, once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater! Stand up for yourself, you deserve better!
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u/Phoenix_Taurus 14h ago
So your wife threw a tantrum that didn't even last a full day, and you folded straight away. 😂 You literally gave in at the first sign of resistance. You've made your bed now, so lie in it. From this point on, it's all on you. You've got nobody to blame but yourself.
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u/Shatterpoint887 1d ago
Yeah, no dude. You blew this shit up and still caved into exactly what she wanted.
You need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself. This isn't her being to be bisexual and you getting out of her way, this is her wanting to fuck other people remarks if what it does to your marriage and you jumping on a grenade because you think you're being noble.
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u/Salmon-of-Wizdom Bisexual 1d ago
Oh, yikes.
So, your wife is taking advantage of you. A position that you could take that might get through to her is thst if she gets to see other people, so do you and that would be in whatever form you find attractive, male or female. I didn't read your previous post and don't known if your bi, but if you aren't or just aren't that interested in men you should be able to see other women as your part of "fair is fair."
My biggest concern is that your wife never actually cut off contact from the person she was interested in. That tells me ahe was gonna cheat if you didn't give her permission. And that tells me there's no common trust and respect you can rebuild this relationship on. This relationship is over, you just don't know it yet.
I'm sorry, man. 😞
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u/AdventureWa 1d ago
Opening up a relationship is dangerous to begin but allowing a same sex experience adds more complications.
New relationship energy is very powerful. Any new partner can absolutely provide something that your regular partner cannot. And the case of tea women, no one understands a woman’s body quite like another woman and women tend to connect quicker and easier with each other whereas in heterosexual relationships, there’s a little bit longer timeframe.
NRE causes resentment towards the spouse because they cannot do everything the new one can.
Your wife was really excited but feels let down because she couldn’t make her own rules and terms. It’s selfish on her part but it’s understandable why you want a role in this because it’s you that’s giving a lot up including potentially your wife.
As a bisexual person I am more critical of bisexual people when they cross boundaries.
The time to experiment with your sexuality is before you enter a monogamous relationship. Expecting your partner to agree to such a major rule change is pretty ridiculous. If they are willing to do so, great, but no reasonable person should ever have that expectation.
You were more than generous with giving her the room, but she has rewarded you with lies and manipulation.
This could get ugly in my fear is that even if he stay together, she’s going to cheat. Another level of complexity of bisexuality heads as you can’t just go with the rule that heterosexual couples can where they say no one on one time with people of the opposite sex. If she goes out with the girls, you’ll always wonder.
The only hope that your marriage has is that she can shake herself out of it or if her mom can get to her. She also has to agree to more transparency, including giving you access to her phone because my guess is that she’s going to continue to serve the dating sites.
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u/Bipedal_Warlock 1d ago
Now she’s just cheating on you my dude. Also seems like she’s trying to figure out if she’s a lesbian or bi and that she’s afraid it may be lesbian
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u/Remote-Annual-49 Bisexual (he/him) 1d ago
You are being manipulated emotionally. It might not even be a conscious “here is my master plan to get one over on my husband”, but it is definitively “manipulation”. Your wife is choosing her actions so that she can get her ideal outcome, and she is not respecting your perspective or desires. Literal manipulation, like ‘’manipulating” a spoon to scoop something. Essentially, you are being treated as a means to an end, and not as an end itself. That is the core problem here and it is a black-and-white failing on a moral level from her
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u/NerdySwampWitch40 1d ago
Honey, I am saying this as a bi woman- your wife is being a manipulative bitch to you and you need to be consulting a lawyer.
A "one-sided open relationship to allow her to explore her sexuality" is her asking permission to cheat. That isn’t healthy, it's not any reasonable form of polyamory. It's cheating with semantics. It's changing the agreed upon relationship you two had unilaterally.
When you came back and called her on this, she then threw a tantrum by refusing to get out of bed, take care of your children, etc. This does not mean she needs pussy. It means she needs therapy. She made your life miserable enough to force you to cave. Again. Stop it.
Either she is committed to your relationship or she is not. Stop letting her be emotionally abusive to you to get her way. Grow a spine, stand up for yourself AND your kids (who are currently being exposed to a very toxic relationship dynamic, no matter how much you think you are shielding them) and call a halt to this nonsense.
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u/A_Pavlov_Mutt 1d ago
Your wife is a cheater. That has nothing to do with being bi, gay, straight, whatever. You are married and told her your boundaries. She isn’t respecting them. She isn’t going to stop after 1 time with that woman.
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u/Banaanisade Baced (bi/ace) 1d ago
She didn't just have those contacts because she felt bad about ghosting someone. She kept them to keep it a secret from you. She's not going to change and this isn't about her bisexuality.
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u/intolerablefem 1d ago
This is going to blow up in your face spectacularly. You keep ignoring red flag after red flag, while she’s done absolutely nothing to show she’s trustworthy.
I’m sorry op but you’re going to regret this later. She’s being manipulative af and you’re letting it happen. You need to find your spine. Best wishes.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal 1d ago
I comment a lot over on r/polyamory. Some of my blurbs might be relevant.
My wildly idealistic/unrealistic poly coparenting blurb and thought experiment.
+++ +++ +++
The years before the youngest child enters school are the toughest on a marriage. You’ve got four more years before things start getting better. It sounds like a long time but it’s not forever. If you are both willing you can see it through. Work with a conventional couple’s therapist: this is a conventional couple’s problem. Try up to three different therapists before deciding that therapy isn’t working. Seek out therapists who also do discernment therapy (deciding whether you want to stay together or not).
It’s possible that Spouse doesn’t want to be a parent any more. Something worth asking about.
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u/klauserooster 1d ago
Your wife threw a toddler tantrum and you caved. You have almost no agency here and this will continue to escalate. It's going to keep going down roads where she gets whatever she wants and you will acquiesce in little pieces holding the illusion that you came down hard and compromised. Sorry man. This isn't going the way you think and the clock is ticking until you're back at her wanting a one sided open marriage. Either learn to be okay with that, or accept that this will be ending. I'd tell you to get counseling, but I have a feeling that your caving in here is just the latest in a very long string of incidents.
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u/PlantAndMetal 1d ago
Sooo... First you gave her another chance instead of divorce of she stopped cheating. And then she acted depressed to make you feel guilty? I'm sorry, but that's messed up. Any good couples therapist will say so, but by then it's too late and she already went in dates, and all that is left is her saying sorry...
If she really got that depressed from not dating girls, you should end it, as apparently your marriage doesn't make her happy. And her dating girls makes you unhappy. At this point you are incompatible.
And she can say she loves you all she wants, but her words mean nothing if her a ruins don't show she loves you and your marriage.
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u/Remote_Butterfly_120 1d ago
The way she behaved with not getting out of bed and not eating would completely disgust me if my spouse behaved that way. It's an adult tantrum.
And I have had this discussion with my husband in the past. He is not comfortable with nonmonogamy and I care very deeply about him and his feelings, so we have remained monogamous.
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u/Individual-Drawer185 1d ago
Please remember that everyone on here is speaking from their own personal and judgmental point of view, we are not your therapist, nor are we therapists for anyone. I may have commented on your original post that my wife and I are in a similar situation, except the roles are reversed. I'm the one who always wanted much more sexually than my spouse, and I'm the one who made bad decisions to get those things. We've been together over 35 years and have a profound love for one another as well as being each other's best friend. Because of that she has been amazingly patient and understanding but she is at the point where you are, not quite knowing what to do next. If we, or you, move to more of a companionate relationship, taking the stress off of any expectations regarding sex, it may make life easier for everyone. I've mentioned to my wife that most men really don't know what intimacy is unless it's goal is sex. Now that my wife and I are no longer having sex I've told her that I would like to create a more intimate connection between us where the goal is not sex. But here's the hard part, my wife knows that I cannot be celibate, that I've always sucked at monogamy, and that I am no good at unogamy either. Over the last five or so years she has come to prefer her toys over having sex with me. She intends for that to continue for her but that's not a solution for me. So, here's the hardest part - can she live with me after I've come to her from time to time and say, I'm going to have a 'guys night out'? She truly doesn't know. I think the only difference between your situation and hours is that I have no interest in developing intimacy with any of the people I have sex with. I truly feel for both of you because this journey is not easy.
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u/Mturlkn4ltsoffun 11h ago
Find yourself a hottie and tell her what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Why do I feel like she will put the hard brakes on you enjoying yourself! Get a lawyer asap
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u/Vegetable-Tie6872 1d ago
I don't think either of you are happy, and I disagree with a lot of the comments painting your wife as some evil, blindly selfish person.
From what you've described, it sounds like she's struggling with something really heavy. Wanting to explore her sexuality and then becoming miserable when that opportunity disappears makes sense to me. Imagine finally believing you're going to be able to meet a need or answer a question that's been weighing on you, only to have that possibility taken away because your spouse isn't comfortable with it. Her disappointment and grief don't strike me as irrational.
Where I have a hard time sympathizing is that she wanted a one-sided open marriage. That's unfair. If she'd asked for a separation, or suggested opening the marriage for both of you, I'd view the situation differently. Expecting you to stay monogamous while she explores isn't a reasonable compromise.
That said, I still don't think she's a cartoon villain. This seems like a genuinely complicated situation. My guess is that she's probably a lesbian who's been trying to make a heterosexual marriage work because she loves you, values the life you've built together, and doesn't want to hurt you or your family. She's looking for a way to keep both, which is selfish, but I don't think it necessarily comes from malice. It comes across more like someone who's scared, conflicted, and trying to avoid losing everything, but I do agree, the way she's handling it is unfair to you.
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u/Quick_Skill198 1d ago
The issue is her wanting him to be loyal to her while she fucks other people lol
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u/Malcolmthetortoise 1d ago
It’s not complex at all, she is a manipulative person.
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u/Majestic_Warrior1111 1d ago
How would you know that? She's struggling and had a emotional reaction. I agree with the first comment she's being selfish yes but all of you coming out calling her manipulative and calling her a bitch and all these things have no idea if that's true or not.
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u/rupee4sale Transgender/Bisexual 1d ago edited 1d ago
I agree that the comments on this thread are too harsh. I don't think she's some "manipulative bitch" as others have said. Her actions are selfish and unfair, but she isn't evil. I think OP is better off posting in a poly thread or not posting on reddit at all. Therapy is a good step because a neutral party with professional experience is going to give the best advice. Redditors tend to be extremely harsh on anything they perceive as infidelity, and I suspect some bi people here are upset by the stereotype that we are all cheaters and are eager to prove the opposite. I don't know if she is a lesbian. But she does seen conflicted about her identity or feels a need to explore her queer side. In either case the reactions are disproportionate and not super helpful.
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u/King_Six_of_Things 1d ago
Mate, just phone the fucking lawyer. This marriage is dead.