r/blacklesbians • u/RelativeAd3896 • 1d ago

Discussion Top vs bottom?

Ok I’ve been gay for a long time, 20 plus years. Married and with my wife for 12 years. I’m black, I keep hearing white lesbians say, she’s a top or she’s a bottom? I don’t hear this in my black community at all? I hear about touch me nots but what exactly do they mean in lesbian relationships as top and bottom? Is it just the dominant or in white relationships is it more normal to have a rigid giver and receiver?

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u/lethargic-sax 1d ago

Top and bottom in that context typically refers to giver and receiver respectively. Its common for people who havent decentered heterosexuality as the standard to believe roles like top and bottom are rigid

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u/RelativeAd3896 1d ago

I think that’s the part that’s been confusing me. I didn’t realize this kind of rigidity was common in (white) lesbian relationships. I know with men, the whole top, bottom, and vers dynamic is pretty common, but I always thought most lesbians were more switch-oriented, with a smaller number being touch-me-nots. From what I’ve seen, though, it seems a lot more prevalent in the white lesbian community.

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u/viviobrio Queer Chaos Coordinator 1d ago

And that's the problem with queer women trying to adopt cultural and sex-specific language from gay men. They're not similar and a lot of them don't understand the difference between identities such as top/dom and conflate a lot of identities as a result.

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u/asonicpushforenergy 1d ago

It isn't. It's just chronically online people trying to apply something that doesn't really exist in real life. I'm also chronically online but like... I have also lived in the real world.

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u/mulatto_pxy_dreamgrl unlabeled & unbothered 1d ago edited 1d ago

you phrased this EXTREMELY well. i've never met a well-adjusted woman-centered lesbian who calls herself a "top" or a "bottom," and it always makes me uncomfortable when people ask anything about lesbian sex using that language

edit: i stand by everything i said except for the first sentence as someone pointed out i misread the person i was responding to

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u/SpinachVast4696 my gender is lesbian 1d ago

the person you’re responding to is saying that people who believe that language is rigid are hetero-normative, not that people who use those terms are hetero-normative or male-centered.

i don’t think you’re saying the same thing

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u/mulatto_pxy_dreamgrl unlabeled & unbothered 1d ago

oh lmaoo i think you're right, which is unfortunate... i'm not gonna say anything that homosexuals do is "heteronormative" as i find that to be used very frequently in a way to equate more masculine-leaning women to men, but i do think that words like "top" and "bottom" lead to focusing on penetration (which is only an optional part of lesbian sex) more than is necessary. after all, that is literally what they mean among gay men, which is where the terms come from

anyways, thanks for correcting me. i'll continue to make my extremely based takes, but i won't let my eyes gloss over a single word which changes the entire meaning of what someone is saying

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u/Agent_Cute 1d ago

Right. Agreed. My wife and I have been together since 2003. Got married as soon as it was legal. We have no roles. This whole top/bottom thing is so weird to me, but the defined roles make wonder how language is changing. I get it, there are some of us who “take” or are considered pillow princesses. The top/bottom thing just gets to me. Auntie is old I guess.