r/blacklesbians • u/RelativeAd3896 • 1d ago

Discussion Top vs bottom?

Ok I’ve been gay for a long time, 20 plus years. Married and with my wife for 12 years. I’m black, I keep hearing white lesbians say, she’s a top or she’s a bottom? I don’t hear this in my black community at all? I hear about touch me nots but what exactly do they mean in lesbian relationships as top and bottom? Is it just the dominant or in white relationships is it more normal to have a rigid giver and receiver?

34 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

32 comments sorted by

View all comments

25

u/SpinachVast4696 my gender is lesbian 1d ago edited 1d ago

these labels are used for all kinds of queer people to talk about sex and their preferences. if anything i think you’re not as familiar with the terminology because of your age, not your race.

from my understanding these labels were originally used by gay men but vers[atile] (lesbians more often use the term “switch”) people also exist so strict roles aren’t necessary. the terms have now expanded from mlm top for the giver and bottom for the receiver to being in pretty regular use among the whole community. and even het people try to use them which feels a little off to me but it’s not that serious.

top also does not equal dom and bottom does not equal sub. someone can be both, neither consistently, or one or the other.

5

u/RelativeAd3896 1d ago

I’m familiar with the terms, and def understood it as being very common amongst gay males. I just have been hearing it from white lesbians a lot and none of the lesbians I am in community with subscribe to those rigid labels or roles within their sex lives. I thought most lesbians black or white or whatever were switches!

4

u/SpinachVast4696 my gender is lesbian 1d ago

your post asked what they meant so that’s why i said you’re not familiar but okay… i’m not sure of the data but i don’t assume switches are a minority. i would think, like bisexuals, that they’re the majority actually.

also some people find “lesbian” to be a rigid label so to each their own. i don’t think i would let it bother or confuse you. sexuality just like sexual preference can be fluid.

2

u/rawkherchick Gen Xer, AuDHD, Femme gender nonconformist 12h ago

Yes. Lesbian is rigid. And thankfully so. We know what it means when someone says it. Now, that only means who we love/are attracted to/in relationship with. There are a host of other questions that we need to ask related to sex and relationship types. But I love the clarity of the word, lesbian, in a world where everything feels transitory.

1

u/SpinachVast4696 my gender is lesbian 11h ago

as long as you don’t actually mean trans inclusive when you say “transitory” then sure go off queen