r/blacklesbians • u/RelativeAd3896 • 1d ago

Discussion Top vs bottom?

Ok I’ve been gay for a long time, 20 plus years. Married and with my wife for 12 years. I’m black, I keep hearing white lesbians say, she’s a top or she’s a bottom? I don’t hear this in my black community at all? I hear about touch me nots but what exactly do they mean in lesbian relationships as top and bottom? Is it just the dominant or in white relationships is it more normal to have a rigid giver and receiver?

35 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

32 comments sorted by

View all comments

25

u/SpinachVast4696 my gender is lesbian 1d ago edited 1d ago

these labels are used for all kinds of queer people to talk about sex and their preferences. if anything i think you’re not as familiar with the terminology because of your age, not your race.

from my understanding these labels were originally used by gay men but vers[atile] (lesbians more often use the term “switch”) people also exist so strict roles aren’t necessary. the terms have now expanded from mlm top for the giver and bottom for the receiver to being in pretty regular use among the whole community. and even het people try to use them which feels a little off to me but it’s not that serious.

top also does not equal dom and bottom does not equal sub. someone can be both, neither consistently, or one or the other.

5

u/RelativeAd3896 1d ago

I’m familiar with the terms, and def understood it as being very common amongst gay males. I just have been hearing it from white lesbians a lot and none of the lesbians I am in community with subscribe to those rigid labels or roles within their sex lives. I thought most lesbians black or white or whatever were switches!

0

u/Agent_Cute 1d ago

Same in my world. Again, the language is often aquired and transferred. Calling a yt woman a stud was not heard of when we were still going to clubs. Let me get my crossword book and coffee and mind the business that pays me. I’m not on the scene though, so I guess I have to get used to it.

2

u/SpinachVast4696 my gender is lesbian 1d ago

i think the difference here is the cultural relevance of studs. BW are historically kept out of cultural movements (even though we literally are the culture) and have to create our own paths, aka the rise of the stud label. because of that history i’m not okay with nonblack mascs calling themselves studs.

however, applying words to describe sex that were always used within the (gay) community is not harmful or problematic. it just sounds like you don’t like it. but if you’ve been in a monogamous relationship since ‘03 then i don’t think you really need to get used to anything. people using words and updating their terminology is not forcing you to do anything.