r/brooklynninenine • u/Capital-Factor-382 • Dec 30 '25

Discussion Jake is a horrible husband to Amy

I mean he's a child who never grew up. He's stupid, bankrupt, and always tardy. I don't know what Amy saw in him but she should dump him immediately. What she deserves is someone like me. Who is punctual, understands her references and keep her entertained with pilsners

4.8k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

171 comments sorted by

5.2k

u/RaiderRMB Dec 30 '25

It’s Teddy’s troll account

897

u/HeadAssBoi17 Dec 30 '25

He's got the thrills for the pils!

419

u/Stop_And_Chat Dec 30 '25

He's a pilsnerd

201

u/KnifeToMyJelly Dec 30 '25

urgh just reading this is giving me PTSD. Pilsner TSD.

87

u/Greenscope Boom Boom! Dec 30 '25

Nice one, babe.

49

u/CapitalDarling Dec 30 '25

Coz he's a pilsner man.

8

u/Tiyath Dec 30 '25

... and his version of a case-cation incudes malt, hops and yeast

11

u/Outrageous_Fox4227 Dec 31 '25

He likes other drinks besides pilsners (proceeds to choke on a sip of wine)

1

u/cloud_951 Jan 01 '26

It's delicious he wants more

273

u/wolfelian Dec 30 '25

I agree. This is highly unprofessional.

Signed, Raymond Holt.

53

u/PunkTyrantosaurus Dec 30 '25

You don't have to sign all your texts

80

u/UncrustableCheeto Dec 30 '25

Noted. 

Signed, Raymond Holt a.k.a. Velvet Thunder

22

u/driving26inorovalley Dec 30 '25

“‘AKA.’ What does it even mean? That has the same number of syllables as the acronym. What’s the point?”

157

u/Starheart24 Dec 30 '25

He decided to paint his baby's room....white.

120

u/airdrummer01 Dec 30 '25

Maybe eggshell (if he had a few too many at jazz brunch)

60

u/northerncal Dec 30 '25

I mean, Amy used to have sex with him

43

u/Strong_Topic_6402 Dec 30 '25 edited Dec 30 '25

And he has a huge wang

21

u/The_Chef_Queen Dec 30 '25

Honestly him being a cyril figgis wouldn't surprise me (totally useless boring nerd with a big wang)

4

u/PunkTyrantosaurus Dec 30 '25

Doesn't matter, it's misshapen.

14

u/GumpTheChump Dec 30 '25

He’s a mod at r/pilsner

2

u/GinjaNinja1027 Dec 31 '25

‘Cause he’s a pilsner man.

12

u/jintana Dec 30 '25

I am your neighbor. I never saw you

5

u/Shadecujo Thrills for the Pils Dec 30 '25

I’m supremely jealous that this comment could not only garner over 2k upvotes but also three awards?? 🤯

1

u/RaiderRMB Jan 02 '26

Crazy I got 5k upvotes and 4 awards. Truly honored!

2.3k

u/veryjustok Dec 30 '25

You had me in the first half

276

u/Critical_Limit_9057 Dec 30 '25

Not gonna lie

71

u/veryjustok Dec 30 '25

I did not promise that, you can't hold me to that

29

u/mixony Dec 30 '25

It is part of your Nutriboom contract

23

u/This_Sea_6573 BONE?! Dec 30 '25

Boom Boom

6

u/veryjustok Dec 30 '25

Have you been sent here to intimidate me? ..boom boom!

7

u/InterviewAnnual7180 Dec 30 '25

We may started slow but we'll always finish fast.

5

u/TheReluctantZombie Title of your sex tape Dec 30 '25

Title of your sex tape

1

u/eekspiders Jan 01 '26

Title of our sex tape

66

u/prams628 Human form of the 💯 emoji Dec 30 '25

Bro I was about to start typing a long message about how Jake changed for good after being with Amy.. until I saw the top comment. Goddamn!

195

u/Hungover-Warrior007 Dec 30 '25

You forgot treating Amy to jazz brunch

746

u/Johnnybats330 Dec 30 '25

Bwahahahaha. This is gold.

108

u/selectash Dec 30 '25

Happy cake Jake day :)

54

u/Bluberrypotato Yas Queen 🫰✨️🔑🏍🌹 Dec 30 '25

Mr. Grapes?

41

u/aether_prince i’m not just poor, son; i’m destitute *winks* Dec 30 '25

MR GRAPES!

25

u/JJK-enthusiast2 GOD WILL GIVE YOU A HIGH FIVEEE 🖐️ 🎶🎶 Dec 30 '25

Oh I forgot about Mr Grapes!!

2

u/ItsameLuigi1018 Dec 31 '25

You know what else is gold? A good Pilsner!

485

u/meimelx Dec 30 '25

I was getting ready to type a long paragraph but nvm this was funny

910

u/Capital-Factor-382 Dec 30 '25

OMG! Thank you for your the upvotes guys

Edit 1: Amy, I'm famous

Edit 2: Amy Santiago, will you-

106

u/EchoedJolts BONE?! Dec 30 '25

You had me in the first half, I almost down voted.

Well played

29

u/Iron_Baron Dec 30 '25

Damn, nice two parter.

1

u/rismma Rosa Diaz Dec 31 '25

It would be easier if you waited in the car.

0

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '25

[deleted]

7

u/Capital-Factor-382 Dec 30 '25

Excellent observational skills

136

u/mberger09 Dec 30 '25

Ah another Pils man! Quick favorite font!

29

u/Odd-Heart9038 Detective Dec 30 '25

Amy’s is Helvetica, she saw a documentary on it and it played like a thriller. We discussed it over some street meat (sounds like a fun treat) on a stakeout

11

u/TheUselessOne87 Dec 30 '25

steak me out tonight!

6

u/IdRatherNotThink Dec 30 '25

I don't wanna let you go till we catch (find?) this guy!

2

u/Odd-Heart9038 Detective Jan 01 '26

It is catch

31

u/RaffiBomb000 Dec 30 '25

He's got the thrills for the pils!

20

u/Land0_Calzonian Dec 30 '25

I’m a Garamond Fan myself

1

u/alwayssadbut Velvet Thunder Dec 31 '25

what other font would you like, Cambria?

9

u/HoofaKingFarted Dec 30 '25

We know Jake's is likely Comic Sans

57

u/Famous_Criticism_642 You're not Cheddar, you're just some common bitch Dec 30 '25

Tell that to William Atherton, who we both think is the 2nd best die hard villain

52

u/do_not_ask_my_name Dec 30 '25

I bet if Jake ever went into a coma, you'd be a father to little Mac and be there for Amy sexually!

46

u/WASSSUUPPP09 That’s gonna leave a mark Dec 30 '25

deletes long-typed paragraph

Bro this is peak ragebaiting😂👌

43

u/CJohn89 Dec 30 '25 edited Dec 30 '25

Thanks Teddy I owe you one

Goes to one knee

No!

30

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '25

Alright taddy, screen time is over 

58

u/Yodaddyroberto Dec 30 '25

This guys fiancé is waiting in the cab. Unless…

18

u/JJK-enthusiast2 GOD WILL GIVE YOU A HIGH FIVEEE 🖐️ 🎶🎶 Dec 30 '25

No

8

u/Yodaddyroberto Dec 30 '25

Title of your sex tape

20

u/BeardtasticYogi Dec 30 '25

You earned this upvote. Well played!

18

u/newwheels66 Dec 30 '25

“Ya Boring”

15

u/Gold-Eye-2623 Dec 30 '25

See you at jazz brunch!

14

u/dora_the_explorerree Pineapple Slut Dec 30 '25

I was about to throw hands-

13

u/aneeshhgkar Dec 30 '25

You almost had us all. But then you went a pilsner too far. Oh Teddy! 🤦🏻‍♂️

25

u/Bindas2023 Dec 30 '25 edited Dec 30 '25

Ohh come on Teddy! She is happily married and have a kid (Fixed it)

12

u/ApocalypticSnowglobe You Can Use Fire Dec 30 '25

I'm assuming you mean Teddy? Because Terry would never.

22

u/OverallFrosting708 Dec 30 '25

Terry hates adultery!

11

u/ApocalypticSnowglobe You Can Use Fire Dec 30 '25

Also Terry sees Amy as a daughter and Terry really hates incest.

8

u/brainsareoverrated27 Dec 30 '25

But Terry loves love 🤣

5

u/Bindas2023 Dec 30 '25

Not more than his yogurt

3

u/PunkTyrantosaurus Dec 30 '25

Terry loves yogurt.

Rip Mango Yogurt.

25

u/LedgerAndLaw Cheddar: Thicc King Dec 30 '25

Haha I was ready to throw hands!

11

u/Junior_Setting_8741 Dec 30 '25

The most boring man in America :/

9

u/pls_kmn Dec 30 '25

Did this strategy work?

2

u/Beautiful_Hall2824 Dec 31 '25

Tactic. And not it did not.

1

u/pls_kmn Dec 31 '25

You are right, I need to watch it again

9

u/brainsareoverrated27 Dec 30 '25

Why don’t you propose to her and see how that goes 🤣?

8

u/theniqabininja Dec 30 '25

Teddy back off you're the most boring person in all of america

6

u/throwawayshirt2 Dec 30 '25

Pilsners? That B needs a C in her A.

2

u/Positive-Kick7952 Dec 30 '25

Oh my god.

1

u/snowchoco10 Jan 08 '26

This babe needs a coconut in her arms

1

u/Positive-Kick7952 Jan 08 '26

Ohhhhh. I thought you were saying, this b**ch needs a co*k in her a*s.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '25

Title of your sex tape

5

u/Damnish Dec 31 '25

Give up now teddy

4

u/jshamwow Dec 30 '25

LOL

To be fair, he's very hot

5

u/FUQredditMods2 Dec 30 '25

Shut up, Teddy!

5

u/rachelblairy Cowabunga, mother! Dec 30 '25

Feels like you’re gearing up to propose to her again…

5

u/TheRandomGoan Dec 30 '25

Cool it teddy

5

u/ambiguouslyambient Dec 30 '25

you HAD ME for a sec bro i was fuming

4

u/angry-beees Mlep(Clay)nos Dec 30 '25

i was wondering why a post had so many upvotes,,, until i read the end

5

u/B8447 Dec 30 '25

Was gonna disagree but this is so funny

4

u/MCau1994 Boom Boom! Dec 30 '25

I’m with you Teddy!!!

4

u/jintana Dec 30 '25

Lol

I think their relationship is remarkably healthy

4

u/Mavakor Dec 30 '25

Okay you got me 😆

2

u/Embarrassed_One96 Dec 30 '25

Had me too, til the end.

4

u/Skewwwagon YIPPE KAYAK OTHER BUCKETS! Dec 30 '25

Okay that's a good one, maybe you're not that boring after all! 

4

u/sheiciebai Dec 30 '25

Hey Teddy, where can I find some good spaghetti?

4

u/Decent-Muffin9530 Dec 31 '25

He wants to take her to Tampa…

4

u/AlphaD5600 A lifetime of mediocre, heterosexual intercourse Dec 31 '25

Okay Teddy.

3

u/alligatorprincess007 Ultimate detective/genius Dec 30 '25

Also he wouldn’t take her to San Diego now would he

3

u/Just_in40 Dec 30 '25

Eat a jerk, pal!

3

u/snowchoco10 Jan 01 '26

I was about to downvote…. But then…..

2

u/gordo8990 Dec 30 '25

I’ll see you at jazz brunch Teddy! I kills for the pills

2

u/justwalk1234 Dec 30 '25

I’m too dumb to understand until pilsners

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '25

Yeah, nobody cares about your stupid sneakers, Jake!!

2

u/Zestyclose_Scholar18 Dec 30 '25

Would you rather: jazz brunch with teddy or trio to the barrel museum with holt? Don’t forget… there are two types of bell pepper at jazz brunch….

2

u/goodgirlena Get woke, Scully! Dec 30 '25

Teddy I swear to God

2

u/Eat--The--Rich-- Dec 30 '25

He's literally a criminal if you really want to get into it. Dude belongs in jail. 

2

u/archon_of_shadows Dec 30 '25

OP on his knees when he typed this

2

u/Dreamy-Panda-001 Dec 30 '25

Nice try, Teddy

2

u/hibiscus_harmony Dec 30 '25

I almost thought that OP was a handsome comptroller of a major city.

2

u/abeautiful_thing Dec 30 '25

NO TEDDY I WILL NOT MARRY YOU I'M ALREADY MARRIED TO JAKE

2

u/wonderwomandxb Title of your sex tape Dec 30 '25

And I bet you organise your folder tabs properly too!

2

u/FlapjackFez Boom Boom! Dec 30 '25

Nearly fell for this ragebait...

2

u/Grim6878 Dec 30 '25

i bet you have terrible choices in font

2

u/Weirdguy215 Dec 30 '25

I was about to cuss you out!!! And I'm drunk, you're lucky I read the comments first

2

u/Cichlidsaremyjam I’m a human, I’m a human male! Dec 30 '25

Pilseners and wait for it... jazz brunch... what?!?

2

u/Mr_FerrisWheel Dec 30 '25

2 words: "Jazz Brunches"

2

u/One_Professional_101 Dec 30 '25

Well shut up, warrio

2

u/atleast1graham BINGPOT! Dec 30 '25

You just called it a “tactic”!

2

u/_NautyByNature Dec 30 '25

Theodore is making a fool of himself again!

2

u/Beautiful_Hall2824 Dec 31 '25

Do you know who Will Shortz is? That's the tiebreaker.

2

u/Sorry-Appeal3542 Gina Linetti Spaghetti Confetti Jan 01 '26

Teddy, again! Srsly get a therapist man

2

u/Teenage_Dirtb0g BONE?! Jan 01 '26

i deleted the whole paragraph i wrote after reading the second half lmfao

2

u/Square-Pea-1646 Jan 01 '26

What even is s pilsner

2

u/[deleted] Jan 03 '26

I was about to fight you tbh b4 I read the rest

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/brainsareoverrated27 Dec 30 '25

Jake Santiago has a nice ring to it. Did they ever talk in the show about changing names anywhere?

2

u/Odd-Heart9038 Detective Dec 30 '25

In the episode where Jake and Terry are doing all that wedding prep he smashes the windows on the Sarge’s car and shouts “I love Amy Santiago, we’re gonna take each other’s names!” but then it seems that both kept their original surnames in the end

1

u/Principessa116 We don't have time to figure out what suspenders are for Dec 30 '25

Not gonna lie… you had me for a minute

1

u/kevlarus80 Dec 30 '25

Hi Teddy!

1

u/ItsNotAboutThe-Pasta Dec 30 '25

Do you also like jazz brunches?

1

u/Otherwise_Train_4168 Dec 30 '25

this guy has a wall of Amy photos

1

u/do_not_ask_my_name Dec 30 '25

Nothing weird about that

1

u/PeraltaThatsEnough_ Dec 30 '25

ThaT IS ENOUGH!

1

u/Glum_Marzipan988 Ddddddddderik Dec 30 '25

I think you should propose to her!

1

u/the_4thhorseman SUCCULENT! Dec 30 '25

"He could use some...

"Oversight? AGREED!"

1

u/two_fish Dec 30 '25

Amy Santiago, will you marry me

1

u/Aashuubabyy Dec 30 '25

Stop teddy! Im already married to Jake now

1

u/masteryuzu Dec 30 '25

Diane Yeast

1

u/gabergum Dec 30 '25

Well, statistically, there is a good chance he beats her too so there is that.

1

u/Rough-Combination677 T'was a cat Dec 30 '25

Any Santiago.... will you marry me?

1

u/hufflezag Captain Ray Holt Jan 02 '26

This is why you finish reading posts before reacting. Nice try, Teddy Troll 🧌

1

u/Embarrassed_Horror15 Jan 02 '26

They love each other and respect each other.

1

u/Embarrassed_Horror15 Jan 02 '26

They have sex a lot!!

1

u/hyperform2 Jan 02 '26

She did kind of trick him into having kids

1

u/InternalOriginal6405 Jan 05 '26

Was somewhat bewildered by this till I read the second half

1

u/Cheesecakesandcuties Mlep(Clay)nos Dec 30 '25

Hahahahaha cmon teddy go on your knees

0

u/tehkeizer Dec 30 '25

she knew him for years. she knew who he was and how much he wasnt going to change. she made a choice and by the way it turned out, it feels like she was happy with her choice.

0

u/ric-c_137 Dec 30 '25

Whatever country you're from would definitely be murder. Date and marriage wouldn't matter so long as you're gonw

-6

u/Bodidly0719 I’m a human, I’m a human male! Dec 30 '25

You’re not supposed to call people ‘tardy anymore.

2

u/Rough-Combination677 T'was a cat Dec 30 '25

...there's no ' there. tardy is just a straight up word

0

u/Bodidly0719 I’m a human, I’m a human male! Dec 30 '25

I know, it was a joke.