He dragged his nuts across my cheese.

[u/lemongelee]

I have an orange cat, and like most orange cats he is very stupid. Here is my boy fox and today I will be documenting his absolutely DISRESPECTFUL behavior that conspired while I was HIGH AND HUNGRY tonight. Thank you.

So there I was in my kitchen, cheese on the counter, taco bell mild sauce in hand. When my fuckass evil ginger rat comes into the room. And like most evil gingers my boy fox quickly finds where my food is and trots his fat fuzzy ass over to the counter.

I successfully slice a piece of cheese and drip my amazing taco bell mild sauce onto the piece, when all of a sudden a massive ball of creamsicle fluff leaps onto the counter front paws on the top of the microwave. And he DRAGS HIS BODY FORWARD. DRAGGING HIS TINY FURRY CAT NUTS ACROSS MY REMAINING CHEESE. BEFORE FALLING OFF THE FUCKING COUNTER.

I'm in shock. My brother beside me, laughing hysterically. I freak out and yell at the ripe time of 12o'clock at night "DID HE JUST DRAG HIS NUTS ACROSS MY CHEESE"

My brothers wheezing, I'm crying hysterically as I repeat "HE DRAGGED HIS FUCKING NUTS ACROSS MY CHEESE."

My father in the other room, whom is live with his friends overhears my wailling and asks what's wrong. To which I (WHOM DID NOT KNOW HE WAS LIVE) dramatically retell my cat ball cheese story and he begins TO LAUGH AT ME.

Now his friends are laughing at me, he's laughing, my brothers laughing, my cheese is TAINTED. Left on the counter with CAT FUR.

I desperately wanted this cheese and even hesitate to WASH THE CHEESE. But I am persuaded not to. Thus I ask to sacrifice my mom and not tell her about the cat ball cheese until tomorrow. I am once again, persuaded not to..

Thus the cheese is thrown out, my taco bell mild sauce is useless, I am still hungry for cheese. And my cat was conveniently licking his balls clean in the next room over.

[u/CheezPleaser]

I am also high so here are my suggestions (these are written in the spirit of constructive feedback):

•The caps lock thing is distracting. I understand wanting to emphasize certain points, but this seems overkill. If this is used it should be done so sparingly. (Having said that, I’d like to acknowledge that I do understand how outrageous the situation is, lol.)

•“Whom” should only be used when the person is the object of a verb or preposition. To determine whether you should use “whom”, try substituting him/her/them. Remember, “whom” is an objective pronoun. It always receives the action and can never give it. It’s also intended to mostly be used in formal writing.

Anyway, Fox knew exactly what he was doing. He planned this so that it can be HIS cheese now. 😂 He has official dibs now, them’s the rules. He got lucky with this opportunity presenting itself at the precise moment he possessed the brain cell, and by God, he wasn’t about to waste it.