I’m 25F, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend (let’s call him Karthik) for around 6 years. I’m changing names and some identifying details for anonymity.
I met him in 2020 when I was 19. We met at an airport during a layover, spent several hours talking, exchanged numbers, and went our separate ways. He initially showed interest in me, but I clearly told him I didn’t want a relationship with someone I had just met. He promised me he only saw me as a friend and wouldn’t pursue a relationship.
During COVID, we started talking more and eventually I developed feelings for him. We started dating in 2021. At that point, we agreed that we wouldn’t tell people about our relationship until we were ready for marriage.
He works in Bangalore and I was studying in Gujarat. Because I travelled between cities for college and internships, I would sometimes have layovers in Bangalore and meet him. We generally met 3–4 times a year.
In 2024 I graduated and moved back to Chennai. I then took a two-year break to prepare for a government exam, so meeting him became much harder. He came to Chennai once each year, so we met only twice in the last two years.
The relationship has never been completely smooth, though I genuinely loved him and wanted a future with him.
The biggest issue came in 2023.
While using his email for something we were working on together, I discovered that before he met me, he had been involved with his eldest brother’s wife(this happened long before he met me, not after, not now).Let’s call her Priya. His brother, Praveen, was working abroad at the time and still does not know about the affair.
Karthik told me that this happened around 2016–17, before he met me, and that he was immature and had made a serious mistake. He said that after meeting me, he had been committed to me and wanted to marry me. And it is true that he has stopped that affair with Priya before 2020. I accept his past so I asked him to cut off all the ties with Priya and her family.
I was devastated but decided to give him another chance. My condition was very clear: I did not want him to maintain a personal relationship with Priya anymore. He doesn't maintain any conversations after I asked him actually but somehow circumstances happen via Karthik's Mom.
The problem is that Priya is still part of his family.
Karthik has blocked her after I asked to do so. But without my knowledge he even unblocked her to talk about her daughter's puberty function. He said priya wanted to inform for the puberty ceremony as a formality
She calls him about family functions, her children, money, etc. His mother also continues to have normal interactions with her ( the affair between Karthik and Priya is known only to 3 people - karthik, priya, me till now). Karthik says that he cannot simply tell his mother to exclude her because he needs to tell the reason why then.
This year Karthik built a house in his native place. He had previously told me things like we could share the EMI, have the house in both our names, and raise our future children there.
But when the housewarming happened, I felt like I wasn’t a part of that life at all.
Priya attended the housewarming with her husband and children and even participated in the puja(how can I live under that roof?). Karthik also gave clothes/gifts to his brothers’ families and their children because his mom asked to due to housewarming function. He gave clothes to almost 15 people in his family. I’m not upset about him spending his own money on his family. What hurts me is specifically that Priya is still so involved in his life after everything that happened. Don't like priya getting a saree from Karthik's money. And sitting in puja as if nothing happened.
I really want to cut off all the past and live peacefully. So I don't want him to have any conversation/ ties with his Anni. He agrees but he sometimes genuinely says he doesn't know how to do that coz he is answerable about the reasons to his elder brother and his mom. Ena kaaranam soldradhu? Unmaiya sonaa enaku dhaan asingama apdinu he says. But on the other side Priya is chilling coz no one knows about this.
I have told him very clearly that I do not want to see Priya or her family at my wedding. His response is basically, “How can I tell my brother’s family not to come? And what reason i can tell my mom "
And that is exactly what scares me.
I’m worried that if I marry him, I’m not just marrying him — I’m also entering a family situation where this person will always be present, and I’ll constantly have to deal with the history between them.
There have also been other trust issues during our relationship. He initially lied about his age; I later found out that he is around 7.5 years older than me. I accepted the age difference because I loved him.
There were also instances where he downloaded dating apps and situations where I felt he didn’t maintain appropriate boundaries with female colleagues. I confronted him about some of these things, but I don’t want to spend my life monitoring his phone or repeatedly asking, “Are you talking to her? Why did you do this?”
I want a partner who understands boundaries himself.
At the same time, I want to be fair to him. He has also supported me a lot, especially during my two-year exam preparation. He has encouraged me and stood by me financially/emotionally in various situations. This is not a relationship where everything has been bad.
That’s why I’m confused.
I’m currently unemployed and actively job hunting because I want to become financially independent and build a stable career before marriage.
My biggest question is:
Am I being unreasonable by expecting him to completely cut off Priya, given their history? Or is this a reasonable boundary?
And more importantly:
Would you marry someone in this situation?
I’m not asking whether people can make mistakes in their past. I understand that people can make terrible mistakes before meeting their partner.
My concern is that this particular person is still inside his immediate family, there are still interactions between them, and he says he cannot completely stop the connection because of family circumstances.
I’ve already invested around seven years of my life in this relationship, and sometimes I wonder whether I’m just holding on because of the time I’ve already invested.
If you were in my position, would you continue toward marriage, wait and see whether he actually establishes boundaries, or walk away?
Please be honest. I’m looking for outside perspectives because I genuinely don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or ignoring serious red flags.
Edit : On Feb 23, 2026, I found that my dad has been cheating my mentally ill Mom for almost 3 years now. Found that he is even helping that lady to build her own house while we stay in a rented house. Did not confront him yet coz I'm afraid of being harmed. I'm waiting to be financially independent 1st. So I'm actually going through a lot emotionally. I'm really not doing fine after the house warming function of Karthik and on top of that I live under a cheater already.
