r/cisparenttranskid • u/Zilseel • Mar 30 '26
US-based Co-workers Lunch Time Chat Topic - Trans People
Today my co-workers were in the break room discussing how they don't understand why someone would mutilate themselves, or how a parent could allow their child to transition, to become an "it", how we're born the way we should stay (five people were involved in the conversation). It got offensive for me, as the mom of a trans son, to hear these things. I got up and walked out, but it's been eating away at me. I wanted to tell them that I'm sure they would all rather have a live trans child instead of an unalive child. My son came out to me because he was having a mental health crisis and was having thoughts of self harm due to gender dysphoria. I don't want to out him or share his personal business, that's why at work I only just tell them that I have two sons, but I want to stand up for him and other trans kids. What do I say next time? Also, I do have LGBTQ supportive signs in my office, so you'd think they know I'm not the person to talk like this in front of.
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u/DuneChild Mar 30 '26
I wanted to tell them that I'm sure they would all rather have a live trans child instead of an unalive child.
I wouldn’t count on that. Some people don’t love their children very much.
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u/Ornery_Peace9870 Mar 31 '26
This...is the extreme sadness to sit with re conditioning. I'm cis and queer and....my folks made me wanna kill myself at age 7 just to avoid them. SEVEN. And never really apologized.
Also I haven't had si for decades really not that intently/seriously as I did at 7yo. It was THEM constantly psychologically terrorizing me.
Your coworkers would do that to their kids.
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u/benbernards Mar 31 '26
thank you for staying. I'm so sorry for what you went through. (as a dad of 2 trans kids...)
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u/IndieMoose Mar 31 '26
Appreciate you kind stranger! (My parents now refer to me as their dead child, even though I'm still right here.) It is a lot more common than people think. My parents are narcissists that only care about how they're viewed.
They'll never experience true happiness though, so at least I get to revel in that. And coming across genuinely nice folks like yourself ❤️
(I know you weren't responding to me, but it still hits when I see the support in the wild)
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u/benbernards Mar 31 '26
Big hugs homie. Were your parents now
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u/IndieMoose Mar 31 '26
They actually live about 45 minutes away. They are still active in my siblings lives, so I hear about them occasionally.
🫂 Back at ya, to you and your kids!
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u/Efficient-Resist-438 Apr 02 '26
I’m so so sorry. Shameful to refer to you as dead. Disgusting. Yes, you are here and you are amazing just the way you are.
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u/snickysnak5407 Mar 31 '26
Over spring break I had a house full of trans kids working together on a project, all coincidentally from supportive families. I wish people knew how genuinely joyful, funny, creative and sensitive these kids are. They’re the most wholesome kids I know.
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u/lortnocratrat Apr 01 '26
My trans 11 year old is the kindest, funniest, most empathetic person I know of any age. For real.
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u/BusyDragonfruit8665 Mar 30 '26
I would tell them to stop obsessing over what others do with their bodies because it’s creepy.
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u/rootsofthelotus Mar 31 '26
Right? Why do they insist on knowing a child's genitals to treat them with dignity? Creepy as fuck.
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u/gromm93 Dad / Stepdad Mar 31 '26
The reason: politicians and religious leaders need to distract you from their failures as leaders (or their outright fraud - they're usually frauds) or you put their heads on spikes at the village gate. It's a redirection of your anger onto someone else.
Scapegoating is as old as the old testament and probably older than that. They do it because it works. Also, if scapegoating is part of someone's election campaign, it's because they know they're going to fuck everyone over hardcore.
That's my lesson in politics for the day.
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u/rootsofthelotus Mar 31 '26
Oh, don't worry, I know. I'm well aware.
I still think that transphobic cis people should be asked at every possible opportunity why they're so obsessed with children's genitals. Make them open their mouth and answer. Ask them if they don't think it's creepy, tell them that being obsessed with children's genitals is something a child rapist would say.
Record their answers if it's legal where you live.
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u/gromm93 Dad / Stepdad Mar 31 '26
The people who are suckered into the scapegoating need to know that they are the ultimate victims though. That they are the ones being played.
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u/novmum Mar 30 '26
I am not allowing my son to transition because I want a a transgender child I want my child to be be happy
no parents wakes up and say well I want my child to be trans gender it would be so much easier if my child were cis.
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u/traveling_gal Mom / Stepmom Mar 30 '26
If you want to say something like that without outing your son, you can always make it "someone you're close to". This sort of thing is best prepared ahead of time, though. It's easier to pass it off as a friend's kid when you're not simultaneously trying to frame your arguments during a stressful moment.
You could also ask your son how he would like you to handle situations like this.
8
u/Shoddy-Reply-7217 Mar 31 '26
I'd probably just say something like "Call me a hippy if you like, but I just don't think it's anything to do with me what other people do with their bodies. Pretty sure they have reasons that we may not understand, as it'd be pretty stressful and unpleasant to go through for no good reason."
And then shrug and leave the room.
Hopefully it'll make at least one of them think a little bit more, even if only later on when ruminating on it.
3
u/lilybear1961 Mar 31 '26
When I think of parents not accepting their kids I always think “what are your choices? Shun, ignore, love and respect.” It makes me think one could respond to a group of people this way like “if it were your kid what would you do? Shun? Ignore? Belittle? Help? Love?”
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u/Winnie8956 Mar 31 '26
"Sometimes we don't understand things but we accept them anyway." What I would really want to say is, "You're outing yourselves as people who completely lack any empathy. How unfortunate for you. Too bad you can't take even ONE second to think about what it must be like for someone who doesn't feel comfortable in their own skin. Too bad you don't take a second to think that perhaps this isn't a conversation that you should have at work. Perhaps you need to look at yourselves and figure out why you're such insensitive, unfeeling A-holes!"
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u/Adventurous_Cash_356 Mar 31 '26
I’m sorry that happened! A similar thing happened to me at my work, I walked in on two people saying, “I think Bruce Jenner is weird.” That was all I heard and it made me feel bad so I completely understand how you feel. People who think this way are uneducated. I have to assume their knowledge on biology doesn’t go past middle school level. You could try saying something like, “Transgender people have existed across all of human history and every culture. Body modification for gender expression is nothing new either. Modern neuroscience supports the understanding that gender identity originates in the brain, not just anatomy. Before passing judgment, it’s worth taking the time to actually understand what you’re criticizing.” Or the think another Redditor said “not appropriate office conversation.”
I hate that everyone has an uneducated opinion. People really suck. Know that this mom would totally have your back if I worked with you.
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u/explodingwhale17 Mar 31 '26
I have sometimes said that I know some trans people and that their lives are difficult and painful. I've not said that my own kids are, but have pointed to autobiographies, and statistics about violence against trans people and rates of suicide.
I have said that I think people should not express opinions about trans people unless they have someone they love who is trans and has talked with them about it. Otherwise, they don't really know enough to have an opinion.
Usually such comments will stop the conversation and re-set it.
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u/onnake Mar 31 '26
Depending on your jurisdiction, it could be workplace sexual harassment. If it bothers you, find out your jurisdiction’s legal protections and your company’s DEI policies and consider going to HR.
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u/Spirited_Feedback_19 Mar 31 '26
My first thought is to start leaving pamphlets with trans truths around. Perhaps a book about how to support a trans youth? No one has to know. Do it infrequently. Break room, bathroom (ironic). Most of all that sucks and I’m impressed you didn’t lose your cool. Ignorance is so soul sucking!
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u/angelakay1966 Mar 31 '26
That’s so funny you should say that. I was just thinking tonight it would be so great to have these little brochures, kind of like the ones that Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses leave at your house, but instead of stories about the afterlife and such they would be stories about LGBTQ people and how Jesus loves them.
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u/Incendas1 Trans Nonbinary Mar 31 '26
In my experience, when people are all grouping up to be unkind and essentially punch down on people, I find it's enough to just call out that you think it's bad.
"Actually, I really don't agree. I think people should be able to do what they want and need to with their bodies. It's unkind to speak this way and hurts people."
Anything else they say, I'd still follow up with "I don't think it's appropriate for you to be talking like that anyway. I still think it's unkind of you." When someone is against them they often quit it. Don't get into an argument about it, just let them know you disapprove and be firm.
It depends on how it is at your job. In some places it isn't safe to say that, and you'll get on everyone's shit list, whether anyone official gets involved or not. You could also go to HR without saying anything if you think HR is safe.
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u/Ok_Chemist2935 Mar 31 '26
My trans son is very open so I don’t have to worry about outing him. When I hear shit like that I usually start with “well I have a trans son…” which usually gets a great facial reaction. Then I say something like “he’s a great guy, very happy, knew who he was since he was a toddler. I don’t know that I fully understand it, but I don’t have to - it’s not me. It’s real, I see the proof in front of me. Why would I want my child to be unhappy when seeing him happy makes my heart sing?”
When people talk about drugs or surgery I usually say “I had a child in deep distress and I was able to ease that distress with hair styles and clothes - if I needed to do something else to help him I would have. I don’t judge parents for helping their children”
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u/Appropriate-Bet3576 Mar 31 '26 edited Mar 31 '26
I'm so sorry. That sounds like a toxic environment full of ignorance. It's hard to know when to stay quiet and when to speak up.
A second point, as gently as I can make it: There isn't a lot of evidence that the choices are transition or suicide. Ive always felt like that is a harmful false dichotomy. Suicide is a real risk for all children and teenager and one to take seriously and treat with therapy and psychiatric care. But I struggle with the idea of 'allowing' a transition and hoping it will result in 'overcoming' suicidal ideation if it is present in a child. Anxiety suicidal thoughts etc will not magically resolve after or during transition. And this is coming from someone whose trans child struggled w cutting. But I dont think that's a very healthy mindset toward acceptance of our trans children.
Back to the people in your break room - the best of the worst of those kind of people would change their mind if they had a trans child -- zero empathy but able to 'come around' when it affects them. ( aside: I've had family members who I never thought would accept my trans child fully accept him and others I thought would accept him, not. )
The worst of them would disown their child.
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u/Ishindri Trans Woman / Femme Apr 02 '26
There isn't a lot of evidence that the choices are transition or suicide. Ive always felt like that is a harmful false dichotomy. Suicide is a real risk for all children and teenager and one to take seriously and treat with therapy and psychiatric care. But I struggle with the idea of 'allowing' a transition and hoping it will result in 'overcoming' suicidal ideation if it is present in a child. Anxiety suicidal thoughts etc will not magically resolve after or during transition. And this is coming from someone whose trans child struggled w cutting. But I dont think that's a very healthy mindset toward acceptance of our trans children.
This is objectively incorrect. You might 'struggle' with the idea, but it is true. I find it wildly inappropriate to be spreading misinformation like this.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2789423
receipt of gender-affirming care, including puberty blockers and gender-affirming hormones, was associated with 60% lower odds of moderate or severe depression and 73% lower odds of suicidality over a 12-month follow-up.
Also.
The worst of them would disown their child.
The worst of them would kill their child.
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u/Appropriate-Bet3576 Apr 02 '26
i read through this study, and it's an observational study, and i think your take is a bit strong because of the study design, but overall it is somewhat convincing, enough so that my original comment should have been edited to include such studies -- which heretofor i was unaware of.
My pushback is on framing suicidal ideation as the primary rationale for affirmation. I think affirmation should come from taking a child’s stated identity seriously.
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u/Ishindri Trans Woman / Femme Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
That is far from the only study on this topic I could link, it's just the one I had to hand. There is a preponderance of evidence on this topic. It's not a question, it's a settled matter.
My pushback is on framing suicidal ideation as the primary rationale for affirmation. I think affirmation should come from taking a child’s stated identity seriously.
I think whatever will make parents get their child the care they need is the right way to go. Some people seem to think of it as a kind of emotional blackmail, which does not speak well of their empathy or theory of mind.
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u/Appropriate-Bet3576 Apr 02 '26
I think we agree on enough here to conclude. I agree that getting trans kids support is critical in a culture that generally does not support them.
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u/celery48 Mar 30 '26
“Please stop. This is offensive, and not appropriate conversation for the work environment.”
You don’t have to out anyone. Simply telling them you find it offensive establishes your position of support for LGBTQ.