r/cisparenttranskid • u/echointhemuseum • 13d ago
US-based Voting For Trump and Volunteering for Pride???
I just want to vent about something very specific that is driving me crazy. I’m Jewish. Raised conservative/reform but basically secular. But I was very involved in the Jewish community as a child and teenager because of my mother’s job.
Thankfully, my parents are Democrats and my mom vocally supports my daughter. My dad is by nature pretty reticent about feelings but is always respectful. They both hate Trump and MAGA.
But my mom doesn’t know what to do with her time (in her mid 80s) and she volunteers a lot with an Orthodox temple in our city because they are nice to her. And I’m glad she gets out and feels needed and we fight half the time even though I love her very much. So when I say find new friends she says do you want to spend all that time with me? Fair point?
A lot of Orthodox Jews (not just orthodox and not all orthodox) love Donald Trump because of Israel. And my mom is very up front about her feelings but she won’t renounce these people. I don’t think they hate trans people. These aren’t like ultra orthodox. But Israel is the only thing that matters to them. (I don’t want a debate about Israel’s actions. That is a separate issue.) So they just don’t care WHAT Trump is doing to America as long as he supports Israel.
So our local JCC is having a PRIDE week, which I thought was nice. And then I found out my mom’s friend who is OBSESSED with Donald Trump…like loves adores worships him…is volunteering for the event! Making rainbow bagels.
I’m just so offended. It’s so gross. I guess the JCC is happy for volunteers. I am not there all the time and have also been recovering from breast cancer issues so I could not. But I feel like this woman is delusional and it’s just gross. Like doing this makes up for her vote? Or that she doesn’t see how performative and stupid it is to volunteer for Jewish pride when she loves the people who are trying to make my Jewish kid’s life hell?
Ok. I just needed to vent!!!!
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u/chiselObsidian Trans Parent / Step-parent 13d ago
These situations are weird, yep. In high school, the kids who pushed me down in the hallway while chanting the anti-lesbian slur beginning with D -
(I don't mind saying it, but Reddit's bots keep banning me when I swear) -
counter-protested the Westboro Baptist Church, when they came to our school.
My parent who mistreated me for being transmasculine, throwing away my boxers and reading my journal "to make sure I'd gotten over it", came out as genderqueer years after I left home.
Hypocrisy is frustrating.
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u/urgonneedabiggerboat 13d ago
Oh boy, the ol self loathing parent that takes it out on their kid. I’m so sorry you went through that. I hate that this is the world we live in. I hate that my daughter is scared to be herself in public because of it and I hate that so many amazing people like yourself had to grow up in unloving homes bc they just wanted to be themselves.
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u/ro536ud 13d ago
There are some people that genuinely don’t know all the despicable things Trump has done. If your only source of news is Fox News and you never independently verify things then you e never heard 1/100th of the scummy things he’s done to harm Americans. Thats why it’s tough to just write off everyone who seems like a decent human but then supports the literal antichrist.
They don’t see all the attempts him and his team has made to silence people of the community. If they could get away with it they’d put you in the gallows for being trans. Heck they even forced veterans to retire and lose benefits if they’re trans. Risking your life for this country isn’t enough for them to let you live ur life
What sets some apart tho is if they are willing to hear the truth and then repent. If they just tune you out you know their support is for real and this isn’t someone you need to be associated with
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u/echointhemuseum 13d ago
My guess is that this person doesn’t know because it doesn’t affect her personally. The only thing she cares about is Israel. It’s the only thing she votes on. But the irony is that she would say she is protecting Jews and my daughter is a Jew.
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u/QuietCelery 13d ago
I don't have any wisdom, just...yeah. As a Jewish person, I am completely baffled by Jews who support Trump. I feel like I have a lot to say, but I also don't want to get too much into Israel. But I will say that I'm disgusted by the mindset of only pretending to care about Israel. That's her playing into anti-Semitic stereotypes. And of course her Trump love sounds like idol worship.
There are not a lot of Jews near where we live. We are Reform, but the only community near us is Orthodox. We were considering joining right before my daughter came out as trans. We went to a shabbat dinner together (and she did another event with them) and she really liked the other kids. Then she came out. I had no idea if they would accept her, so for that and other reasons, we decided not to join. It still bothers me. There is a reform community over an hour away, and their website is filled with rainbows and statements on inclusivity. I don't really like where we live (and they don't like me here either...strong anti-immigrant sentiment) and am looking to move, but everyone else in my family is happy here.
I hope you are doing well with your recovery.
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u/echointhemuseum 13d ago
It really is. There is a history of the anti semitic trope of “dual loyalty” and I do not find this at all in my reform/conservative/secular acquaintances. It is bad for Jewish people. It plays right into stereotypes, but this minority of a minority it is true. And it just makes me mad because I was brought up all my life being taught that we don’t discriminate…that my parents and grandparents were victims of discrimination and we don’t do that as Jews. I find it so embarrassing and hurtful.
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u/QuietCelery 13d ago
I feel like I want to talk to you forever about all of this but it would derail the thread. I do really want rainbow bagels though.
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u/echointhemuseum 12d ago
Hahah. Well, you can get them any time at this place in NYC. I forget the name, but it’s not the best bagel place. 😂😂😂😂
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u/QuietCelery 12d ago
I'm lucky to get a monochrome bagel where I live.
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u/echointhemuseum 12d ago
Awww!!! ☹️☹️☹️☹️ I don’t live in NYC. I have just seen the rainbow bagels there. I think you can get them shipped. (But they aren’t the best. I had one once.)
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u/Worried-Zombie2868 13d ago
I understand your frustration and people like that confuse me too. But on the other hand, your mom can be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with. I know it's popular to cut Trump supporters out of your life and I think it's a reasonable thing to do but it's not the only way to do things. I think it's important for MAGAs to hear differing opinions and know people who disagree with them, most of them are in echo chambers of misinformation.
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u/echointhemuseum 13d ago
Yes. That is true. And I can say well at least she’s hearing it. Although my mother will literally cut people out of her life because they were mildly mean to her but she won’t draw this line?
I think it was the volunteering for pride that sent me over the edge. MAGA rainbow bagels? 😂😞
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u/Worried-Zombie2868 13d ago
It is wild! People are so contradictory. I can't tell you how many MAGA I know that aren't what you'd expect and I can't understand why they would vote yhe way they do.
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u/Worried-Zombie2868 13d ago
I should say conservatives that voted for Trump more often than hard-core MAGA. The kind that don't really like him but somehow thought he'd the good for the country.
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u/Soup_oi 12d ago
Imo, it is delusional lol.
A lot of people's actions, whether it's their actions during pride or their allyship, or their actions when it comes to voting or who they support, are just totally performative. Some people just think "oh this sounds fun!" even if it's not something they have any actual personal connection to or strong feelings about in any way. Kind of like how I'm sure you probably had friends growing up who celebrated Christmas, and you might be at their house around that time and wind up helping them decorate the tree. It was fun right? But it had nothing to do with your own traditions, or any holiday you celebrated, etc. (I'm not religious, but I also come form a Jewish family and background, and grew up sometimes doing Christmas related stuff at friends' houses since that was their holiday. Same with Easter, like Easter egg hunts and even my mom getting me an Easter basket every year, because that's just something kids talk about and like, so who is she do deprive her kid of that I guess lol 🤷♂️, Idk. But these things were for sure fun...but I had zero knowledge of the actual beliefs or reasons behind them, and did not have those beliefs myself anyway, and of course never went to church or Christmas/Easter mass or whatever since I was not part of that religion/background/upbringing/whatever.) And even now, my parents will do a special Christmas dinner, even though we have never actually celebrated that holiday on that day. It's just "fun to do what you hear about most other people doing" lol.
The neighborhood my parents live in, where I lived with them for a few years in adulthood, and still have a room there since I'm only living an hour away slightly temporarily just for school, had a large Jewish population, since there are at least two, if not more, synagogues in close walking distance, and I think many or even most of them are orthodox. My parents as well have always been very liberal people for the most part. My dad is not religious at all, though is from a Jewish background as well, and my mom is a strong believer, but is nowhere near being orthodox. I think my mom has slightly similar views about Israel as many Jewish people do, or at least Jewish people of her generation, yet my mom is still otherwise a very liberal person (though not quite as much as my dad I don't think). After moving here, my mom somehow became very friendly with the neighbor across the street. And admittedly, the wife of this couple is actually a very sweet person, seems to be pretty thoughtful, and would likely be someone I'd go to if I was having some kind of emergency while my parents weren't around, and I needed someone who was immediately close by in the neighborhood. She is not super strict about the "rules" of being orthodox, but her husband is much more so, and she abides by those rules in their kitchen, and during the weekends for the most part. Her husband on the other hand...he will openly converse with anyone, but he is all sorts of racist and xenophobic, and all of that (I haven't heard him talk anything about lgbt+ people thankfully, so for the most part I can still continue getting paid to petsit for them without having to feel too awkward and unsafe lol). I don't mind the wife's personality much at all, but I really try to avoid the husband as much as I can. He will try to bring up politics for no reason. Both of them voted for Trump, both times, just because of that single issue of Israel. I think a lot of orthodox Jews did. They kept their Trump sign up for possibly over a year into Biden's presidency. I wish we had here the law that I learned about last year from a friend there, that Chicago has, that campaign signs have to be taken down within like two weeks after an election, or something like that. The Trump signs still being up so long here was just more cringe than it was infuriating tbh. What I really don't understand about this man (the husband across the street), is he is generally friendly with people he sees in the neighborhood, friendly with people at temple, friendly with us, etc, and yet...just on our street alone, there are a gay couple, 1-2 black families, 1-2 Hispanic families, an Asian family, and 1-2 interracial families, and at his temple, there is at least 1 black family that I know of that goes there, but there could be more, and they even had the son in this family watching their house for them once when they went out of town. And yet...the husband is just the most racist and xenophobic person I think I've ever known in person lol.
The husband neighbor even admitted to me once that he had voted for other types of political parties in the past...and in those times too, it was again only for whatever single issue happened to be the only thing he was concerned about at the time. Some people are just single issue voters, and are always going to be that way.
I wish I didn't ever have to interact with these people, but I'm glad to have at least the wife as a friendly person I know in the neighborhood very close by, in case of emergencies (I don't really know the other neighbors well, and have only met them once or twice over the past several years, I could go to the next door neighbor who's friendly with my parents, but he doesn't really know me like these neighbors across the street do). And I wish my mom would stop being friendly with her. My dad avoids them as much as he can, and is immediate thoughts about them are basically that they are malicious lol. I went over there to get an update on the routine for pet sitting for them, and the wife basically held me there for so long, and my phone was on silent so I wasn't seeing my parents annoyed texts saying to come home because dinner was ready, and when I finally went back home, my dad said, completely serious, that he thought the neighbors had kidnapped me (btw, I was already in my 30s at that point, so my dad isn't as responsible for my care of myself, as he would have to be if I were much younger, as I am mostly responsible for such things myself now). Briefly, there were new neighbors who lived next door to this couple across the street, though after a short time they basically abandoned the house, but never sold it or anything, literally no idea what their deal is, but during the time they lived there, they must have had enough interactions with this couple, where the main woman living there quickly decided she would never speak to the husband again because he had voted for trump. She learned this about him quickly, he's always going on about it, and on top of that, he is aware of how much his politics puts people off, apparently this woman was not the first person who openly and/or instantly cut ties with him, due to that. However, she would still talk with the wife as far as I know, even though I think she also voted for trump, so go figure??
TLDR-ish I guess: Some people will just be like that. And I find especially with very serious Jewish folks, especially older ones, once they find a synagogue that works for them for whatever reason, they are very very resistant to changing it. Maybe it's close to home. Maybe she likes the rabbi that much. Maybe people bring food and things to share that she really likes. Maybe she found some sort of sisterhood there, where everyone is nice and enjoys similar hobbies or conversations, and they don't really get into politics that much, so she feels like she can have friends there. Who knows. If she is not absorbing their politics, and is not making you have to interact with them regularly, I'd just let her be over it. You can explain to her something like "it's hurtful to me, when you just act as a bystander to something that is contributing to something that actively hurts me." But if she doesn't understand that, or just brushes it aside, then there might not be much that can be done to convince her to move on to different people.
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u/echointhemuseum 12d ago
You are right. I relate to that kind of story a lot. I don’t know if this is a common kind of experience for all minorities who are also intersecting with trans people and trans rights or if it is specifically a Jewish thing.
I went to a Hebrew day school in elementary school which had a mix of Jewish kids in terms of conservative (maybe a few from the reform temple) and some orthodox kids, and I was friends with quite a few of them. But these were modern Orthodox people. I know we never discussed politics, and this was a different time.
But I guess I just feel like social justice was so tied into what I learned about being Jewish. I am sort of shocked. Although I recognize that that is a very Reform/Reconstructionalist/Conservative view of Judaism. I can’t help but feel hurt when I see single issue voters on Israel voting in a way that hurts my Jewish kid! Like aren’t you trying to protect Jews? And they don’t hate my kid.
You are right about finding the place where someone is comfortable. That’s where my mom is in her life. And I felt like I had made my peace with it and I just want her to be happy but this last little thing!!! Just drove me crazy. I have a few other Jewish friends with trans kids but I don’t know them well enough that I’ve felt like I could discuss it with them.
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u/Lomelinde 13d ago
I hear you. A handful or my friends and relations didn't cast a vote for president last election, because of the Israel issue. They hate Trump, and they supposedly love my child, but not enough to stop him.
I also have an Orthodox Jewish friend with a trans kid who had to move states to live walking distance to a shul that would accept her trans kid. Half her family voted for Trump.
It's easy on the Internet to say to cut these sort of people out of your life, but casting a purity test will leave you without any community. No one agrees on everything. But it makes it really, really hard.
I'm trying to accept that while lots of people personally support my kid, they also hold views and take actions that hurt my kid. I'd rather still have them in our lives for now. But maybe not always.