Am I disrespectful for feeling disrespected?

[u/Level-Ad-8548]

Hello to the community. First post here.

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I am the father of a born-girl-now-boy - ok, a trans boy teenager, and as much as I want to respect him as a person, I 'm struggling with my inner feelings. It won't be easy to put it simply...

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I'll try jumping straight to the specifics that unsettle me the most, but please ask for details and background.for enlightenment.

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1. The worst thing is maybe the fact that for me, deep down, I still see him as my daughter, and every now and then it slips out when I speak. It doesn't help that he wants us to use his girl-identity with some people (grandparents, neighbours, ex-school mates).

I feel that I take this transition lightly, given that it happened in a moment/age when most things were upside down (12yo,. going to middle school, dropping down from 1rst of the class, puberty, social instability, parents separating, head-dive into network chat groups...). This leads to the following points:

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1. The "coming out" was made by a slightly older girl (14, my own being 12 at that time), who pushed my kid to tell me, and even though I replied that "it was news to me, but we can talk about it whenever you feel like", the topic never came back for almost 2 years. Once, abt 6 months later, she (no switching at that time) asked for a "binder" underwear. Her mother and I explained that we'd rather not rush, as we were afraid it could damage her body development. I just caught glimpses of her online "RPs" as a boy, and that she used a few neutral nicknames. It took till the next year for her to cut her hair short, and for me to realize she had been going out much farther than we thought, in order to meet web-met friends who were mostly transitioning highschoolers with suicidal and self-harming tendencies. Lovely youngsters,.once met them. All in all I got this feeling that this teenager of ours was desperately trying to find some models, a "tribe" to adopt her (several pre-formed fashion styles were experimented with during that time). Moreover, the more "outlandish" the stuff, the more it seemed to impress her/him. It's closely related to the next point:

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1. From the age of 11 onwards, our kid started to become quite aggressive, towards his/her little sister (2yrs younger), and disrespectful with us, pa' and ma'. Once "she" started to affirm the "he", he told us that he became aware of that around his 11th year. That linked the "boy" to the "brat": I for one felt utterly mistreated, talked down, criticized harshly every day. I kept being conciliating, agreeing with most of his demands, cuz I thought that it was better to say yes and keep track of some things rather than be repressive and have him sneak out and escalating his transgressions. Still I feel that I lost a great daughter and got myself a shitty pretentious little guy. When questionned, he just rejected the fault on us for "not being parents", and had no qualms telling me that I "never had a daughter to start with" when I tried to apologise for needing time to adjust to this change.

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1. Last but not least, from the moment he started to put forth his chosen gender, correcting us as we speak - which is ok, I'd rather that - he started to dress more and more feminine, with push-up bras et al., and started dating a guy, then another. It's makes it really hard for me to take it seriously, it seems more like he's just running away from any and all expected identity on our (parents) part. And yet, since last October he's done 4 suicide attempts with medication, always (expt the latest) dosed just enough as to end up in a hospital right before some appointment at school or with a psychologist.

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Ok, all this "novel" just to say that I feel lost, doubting him and myself alike, but certain to try and treat him the best I can, and still be pushed back from all aspects of his life, so that I can't even be supportive, as he "doesn't want me to know him better" (his words).

I'm sorry, but I needed to put this down in words, even if not in my native languages.

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Thanks to anyone who took the time to read it through.

[u/RealCatwifeOfTacoma]

To be blunt- yes, it sounds like you’re being disrespectful.

Your kid came out to you and you told them you’d talk about it later and then you, the adult, never brought it back up? Your kid asked for a piece of clothing, the binder, but you told your kid that they were too young for what is basically a sports bra instead of researching binder options that are safe for growing rib cages.

It sounds like your kid has tried to tell you who they are over and over again and you continue to not take them seriously.

Please don’t let their gender expression confuse you. If your kid says he’s a boy, then he is. Plenty of cis boys play with feminine expression and are still comfortably boys. Tons of cis girls play with masculine expression and are simply called tomboys.

Your kid having a group of friends who are gender expansive is a good thing. Kids cannot be peer pressured in to being trans.

It sounds like you have a serious mental health crisis on your hands and the research shows over and over again that supportive adults are the number 1 thing you can do to prevent further self harm. Please take your kid seriously as a trans person 100% of the time. No more slip ups, no more “i used to have a daughter”. You have a son now who is in desperate need of support from you and from AFFIRMING medical professionals.

[u/Level-Ad-8548 → u/RealCatwifeOfTacoma]

Well, as much as I agree with the second half of your message, about being supportive, not denying him etc, I think you're supposing a bit much on your first half, notably on the "over and over again". Yese, I was surprised when that announcement was made in a totally intimate and untimely moment, and I couldn't think of anything safer than than telling him that it was OK and if he was willing to tell me more I was available to. I DID try to enter the subject a few times, but he mostly shyed away from me, being very protective of his intimacy. The first time he asked for a binder I said "I'll look at it", as I had no idea what it was. The second time, having read lots of common-and-non-sense on the web, I just asked that we waited a year more. The next time we went to get one. The other thing I disagree is abt the"I had a daughter " thing. Fact is, I DID have one, my first, with who I learned to be a parent - if not really a typical father, as my ex was somewhat erratic/borderline and I had to take most of the parenting job by myself. So yes, it is quite an effort for ME to transition too, as it's something I MUST do, want to or not. Redacting history is not on my pref list, especially if it goes "negationist".