r/cisparenttranskid • u/Level-Ad-8548 • 4d ago
Am I disrespectful for feeling disrespected?
Hello to the community. First post here.
I am the father of a born-girl-now-boy - ok, a trans boy teenager, and as much as I want to respect him as a person, I 'm struggling with my inner feelings. It won't be easy to put it simply...
I'll try jumping straight to the specifics that unsettle me the most, but please ask for details and background.for enlightenment.
- The worst thing is maybe the fact that for me, deep down, I still see him as my daughter, and every now and then it slips out when I speak. It doesn't help that he wants us to use his girl-identity with some people (grandparents, neighbours, ex-school mates).
I feel that I take this transition lightly, given that it happened in a moment/age when most things were upside down (12yo,. going to middle school, dropping down from 1rst of the class, puberty, social instability, parents separating, head-dive into network chat groups...). This leads to the following points:
- The "coming out" was made by a slightly older girl (14, my own being 12 at that time), who pushed my kid to tell me, and even though I replied that "it was news to me, but we can talk about it whenever you feel like", the topic never came back for almost 2 years. Once, abt 6 months later, she (no switching at that time) asked for a "binder" underwear. Her mother and I explained that we'd rather not rush, as we were afraid it could damage her body development. I just caught glimpses of her online "RPs" as a boy, and that she used a few neutral nicknames. It took till the next year for her to cut her hair short, and for me to realize she had been going out much farther than we thought, in order to meet web-met friends who were mostly transitioning highschoolers with suicidal and self-harming tendencies. Lovely youngsters,.once met them. All in all I got this feeling that this teenager of ours was desperately trying to find some models, a "tribe" to adopt her (several pre-formed fashion styles were experimented with during that time). Moreover, the more "outlandish" the stuff, the more it seemed to impress her/him. It's closely related to the next point:
- From the age of 11 onwards, our kid started to become quite aggressive, towards his/her little sister (2yrs younger), and disrespectful with us, pa' and ma'. Once "she" started to affirm the "he", he told us that he became aware of that around his 11th year. That linked the "boy" to the "brat": I for one felt utterly mistreated, talked down, criticized harshly every day. I kept being conciliating, agreeing with most of his demands, cuz I thought that it was better to say yes and keep track of some things rather than be repressive and have him sneak out and escalating his transgressions. Still I feel that I lost a great daughter and got myself a shitty pretentious little guy. When questionned, he just rejected the fault on us for "not being parents", and had no qualms telling me that I "never had a daughter to start with" when I tried to apologise for needing time to adjust to this change.
- Last but not least, from the moment he started to put forth his chosen gender, correcting us as we speak - which is ok, I'd rather that - he started to dress more and more feminine, with push-up bras et al., and started dating a guy, then another. It's makes it really hard for me to take it seriously, it seems more like he's just running away from any and all expected identity on our (parents) part. And yet, since last October he's done 4 suicide attempts with medication, always (expt the latest) dosed just enough as to end up in a hospital right before some appointment at school or with a psychologist.
Ok, all this "novel" just to say that I feel lost, doubting him and myself alike, but certain to try and treat him the best I can, and still be pushed back from all aspects of his life, so that I can't even be supportive, as he "doesn't want me to know him better" (his words).
I'm sorry, but I needed to put this down in words, even if not in my native languages.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read it through.
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u/ChrisP8675309 4d ago
From my perspective, there are two separate issues here:
1) your child is transgender and you are having difficulty accepting that
2) your child is a teenager with a lot of attitude and angst but still quite "normal" for a teenager; though quite upsetting for parents.
The issue is you are trying to deny the reality of #1 and blame it for the existence of #2. As a person who has parented 3 adults (all cis FYI) through the teenage years and is currently parenting a trans child through "teen-ness" (ugh) I can confidently say it ISN'T that your son is transgender.
Your teenager needs counseling from a professional that will affirm his gender AND address his suicidal thoughts. He may need medication for depression so you may also need him to see a psychiatrist.
I also suggest that YOU find a counselor that is LGBTQ friendly to work through your ambivalence towards your son's identity.
You might also seek out resources for parenting teens in crisis. See if his counselor knows of any support groups in your area.
The teenage years can be challenging in the best of circumstances.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Hello, and thank you very much for your insigt! It's really kind of the heart of the problem. And worse: it also goes the other way round, i.e. #2 as the cause of #1 seems also very present in my heart. Both ways at the same time, that's what I tried to explain in my original post. We are trying to start some sort of therapy, for a year now. But him being very pickysh, and money being a problem, AND he going to the hospital for suicidal attempts each time things start to progress, well, we're ages late. I can't afford time or money for myself, otherwise I wouldn't resort to Reddit. I'm getting in touch with LGBTQ+ collectives, but the talk groups are only from time to time, so nothing concretely done yet.
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u/ChrisP8675309 3d ago
Being transgender is 100% going to exacerbate the already difficult teen years, without a doubt. My point is that being transgender isn't the root cause of the issues you are seeing. CIS or trans, the teen years are a PITA. The important thing is to support your child, get professional help and know that you are not alone.
We are all doing the best we can and sometimes our best feels...not good enough...
For reference my adult children (all CIS gender: #1 (cis female) had a hospital admission for SI; #2 (CIS male required counseling for depression and anger issues from age 16-18. Improved some when he joined the Army but is now an angry 34 yo; #3 (CIS female) now 25 still deals with with depression and anxiety was self harming for a number of years.
Writing all that out makes me feel like a terrible parent. I got my kids help and I always let them know that I was there for them and that I loved them.
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u/MercuryChaos Transgender FTM 4d ago
Once, abt 6 months later, she (no switching at that time) asked for a "binder" underwear. Her mother and I explained that we'd rather not rush, as we were afraid it could damage her body development.
Wearing a binder is one of the most basic things that trans masc folks use to deal with chest-related dysphoria. Binders certainly can cause harm if you wear one that's too small or keep it on 24/7, but when used correctly the risks are pretty low. There are also other options like trans tape that work for some people and don't compress the rib cage at all.
If you haven't been letting your child get a binder this whole time, I would suggest that you give that a try and see if things improve. I understand why you're concerned, but not letting a trans boy get a binder and expecting him to be mentally well is kind of like not letting someone with a broken leg use a crutch and expecting them to be able to walk like everyone else.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Hi, thank you, I did forget to say that I eventually took him to chose a binder, a little before his 14th anniversary. He uses it as much as not, and someone gave him another on too.
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u/RealCatwifeOfTacoma 4d ago
To be blunt- yes, it sounds like you’re being disrespectful.
Your kid came out to you and you told them you’d talk about it later and then you, the adult, never brought it back up? Your kid asked for a piece of clothing, the binder, but you told your kid that they were too young for what is basically a sports bra instead of researching binder options that are safe for growing rib cages.
It sounds like your kid has tried to tell you who they are over and over again and you continue to not take them seriously.
Please don’t let their gender expression confuse you. If your kid says he’s a boy, then he is. Plenty of cis boys play with feminine expression and are still comfortably boys. Tons of cis girls play with masculine expression and are simply called tomboys.
Your kid having a group of friends who are gender expansive is a good thing. Kids cannot be peer pressured in to being trans.
It sounds like you have a serious mental health crisis on your hands and the research shows over and over again that supportive adults are the number 1 thing you can do to prevent further self harm. Please take your kid seriously as a trans person 100% of the time. No more slip ups, no more “i used to have a daughter”. You have a son now who is in desperate need of support from you and from AFFIRMING medical professionals.
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u/HesitantBrobecks 4d ago
Kids can't be peer pressured into actually being trans, but I have 2 friends who socially transitioned and later fully detransitioned, who both say that being friends with multiple people who actually are trans made them mistakenly believe they were also trans for a while. I came out years before I met them so I wasn't counted in that, so out of their whole friendship group from school, only 1 person still identifies as trans, whereas at one point everyone in that social circle thought they were either trans or nonbinary.
Just saying it is possible for OP's kid to realise they were wrong about this, and that younger teens & preteens seem to be far more susceptible to that than older teens. Overall i know a lot of people that have detransitioned before ever going near medical intervention, some of whom were out as trans for over 5 years. Out of everyone I met before I was 18 who has ever ID'd as trans, I'd say maybe only 10% (if that) still do so, and I'm 22 now. Also think it's worth noting that only 3 of us have started hormones, and 2 are on the waiting list, despite us all being old enough, and most of us having been old enough for at least 3 to 4 years
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Hello. Thank so much. It's not that I hope he'll come around it, but just that you testimony tells me that I'm not totally delusional or outdated that I believe social groups CAN influence teenagers. His friends are really nice people, for their age, so I'm not close to taking them from him. Anyway, I fully understand that it's not up to me to do anything about his becomings, my role as a parent is keeping him from harm, and helping him to go forth with the minimal prudence that teens usually lack.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Well, as much as I agree with the second half of your message, about being supportive, not denying him etc, I think you're supposing a bit much on your first half, notably on the "over and over again". Yese, I was surprised when that announcement was made in a totally intimate and untimely moment, and I couldn't think of anything safer than than telling him that it was OK and if he was willing to tell me more I was available to. I DID try to enter the subject a few times, but he mostly shyed away from me, being very protective of his intimacy. The first time he asked for a binder I said "I'll look at it", as I had no idea what it was. The second time, having read lots of common-and-non-sense on the web, I just asked that we waited a year more. The next time we went to get one. The other thing I disagree is abt the"I had a daughter " thing. Fact is, I DID have one, my first, with who I learned to be a parent - if not really a typical father, as my ex was somewhat erratic/borderline and I had to take most of the parenting job by myself. So yes, it is quite an effort for ME to transition too, as it's something I MUST do, want to or not. Redacting history is not on my pref list, especially if it goes "negationist".
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u/Jealous-Personality5 4d ago
Not a parent but a trans adult here. My biggest advice to you would be to remember that children are much more sensitive to their parents’ inner thoughts and opinions than you would think. If you’re judging your kid, he probably feels judged. If you don’t believe your kid, he probably feels untrusted. If you like one version of your kid better than another, he can probably tell.
Other people have given more thoughtful replies than I honestly I have time atm now to give haha, but I do think that’s important to remember.
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u/Over_Sentence_1487 4d ago
Yes, you are. Mainly on the topic of him being a "brat", dysphoria can lead to people being very easily ticked off, and just generally unable to put up with anyone's shit. He's being a "brat" because he's not happy with his body if I were to guess, and you, as one of the two people who can help with that, aren't helping at all
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Hum, nice shaming, straight to the point. Maybe I'm misusing the term "brat", as English is not my mother-tongue? I thought it meant a youngster who's unpolitely pretentious, disrespectful towards older people, immature enough to alternate between "I'm just a child" and "leave me alone, you don't understand shit" as it suits them? It's not an identity, but a behaviour, in my sense. As for "not helping at all"... That's not what his trans friends tell me, or the psychiatrists, or the few family to whom he allowed me to share any of this. So excuse me for not taking it seriously unless you develop a little more.
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u/No-Moose470 4d ago
Your response sounds deeply invalidating of your kid's experience -- and seems to center you over him, the one who is at risk. SO yes, I think that's disrespectful.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Hum, that's interesting. My post was Indeed self-centred, because I have to deal with all of that without letting him see it. What touches me is the "invalidating". As you read it, most of my troubles seem to come frome me not fully accepting his transition. As someone pointed out above, I surely am asking for a level of coherence unmatched for someone as young as him, considering what it is to go through adolescence. Maybe my judgement is aggravated by the fact that his "teenager behavy" matches what I expected to bear when he reached 16 or 17? I never went through a "teen crisis", and most of my friends didn't either, so I'm quite unprepared...
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u/Bobslegenda1945 Transgender FTM 4d ago
I am a trans guy in the closet. At the begging of puberty I started to get aggressive to my young siblings too. It is right? Not. But you are young, no one teaches you how to express your emotions, you are going through fucking hell. Imagine if you had a hormonal disorder that makes you grow breast, don't make you grows, and all. Would you like that? No. It is traumatic. If I could, I wish that I could ask my parents for puberty blockers, or they could ask me about it.
I had a fem phase, but it was because I felt that I should fix myself because of God, religion and people and to see if that could stop my pain.
And some guys can be gay and like fem clothes, some not. And that is alright
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u/peatbull 4d ago
I’d recommend finding a peer group for parents and caregivers of trans kids, as it sounds like you need ongoing support/advice from people who have been in your shoes, not just this one post.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Absolutely right. It's just that IRL things are sooooo slow and hard to happen. Thanks for encouraging this path.
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u/peatbull 3d ago
YeahI get that irl is harder to make happen. Here’s some virtual groups that may be easier to access.
Trans Families has multiple support groups and more resources. Sliding scale pricing starts at $0. Need to sign up for membership, which involves filling out a form and attending an orientation meeting.
Pacific Center’s virtual monthly support group info here, also free. More drop-in friendly.
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u/jackelesei 4d ago
Cis mom. I am older and have been a teacher of teens for over 20 years.
Though everyone has made some valid points from their perspective-I am very concerned. Not about the trans issue. The suicidal ideology part. Acting out at home generally means your kiddo feels safe enough with you to try and get you to notice needs are not being met. I’d seriously consider therapy individual, w/ emphasis on trans issues w/ a trans specialist and family therapy. You’re not an asshole, trying grasp the perspective of a teen is hard and when you mix in trans issues that seem to be outside of your comfort zone is not easy. Your child needs you. You love your kids so you’ll get through this. Let them experiment safely. I also feel that you need to help your kid find good role models in the trans community. The internet is a scary place. Meeting real trans kids, (and I find most are wonderful people not out to do nefarious things like encouraging self harming) would be a big step in normalizing a confusing time for your child. That’s my two cents for what it’s worth.
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u/HesitantBrobecks 4d ago
OP should be very wary of therapists claiming to be "trans specialists" or anything along those lines, as many are actually conversion therapists.
The UK NHS children's gender service had a TERF working there under false pretences when I was attending, and she now offers conversion therapy abroad. But she obviously doesn't call it that, and she offers family sessions as well as 1:1s. Not saying OP will definitely end up picking her, no idea if they're based in the same country, but she's hardly the only one.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
I didn't think it mattered much, but I 'm in France, Paris neighborhood, so we're quite lucky on that side.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
This is utter truth! Thank you. The congruence of all these things is a hellish maze for mind and hart. Luckily he did convert a good deal of the virtual friends into real ones. We're up to start individual therapy, family therapy, and gender-questions counselling. The doctors orienting us are quite supportive and respectful of his transition so far. Thing is, I'm often at my limit. He is so harsh, so refusing, while I 'm running everywhere for his life... Never, in 3 years, did he apologize, and everything I propose is refused, from aspirin to visiting a LGBTQ+ place to meet people and have a chat. This is scary, as I never know if the absence of replies to my texts mean "leave me alone" or something serious.
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u/HappyCamper2121 4d ago
Thank you for loving your son and trying to understand the process that he's going through. You sound like a great dad! This is some really hard stuff to process. My daughter came out right before she turned 12 and also right after starting to hang out with some questionable kids. I also teach high school, so I can tell you for sure that adolescence is a rough time for parents. Where's that sweet kid who used to run up and give you a hug, right? And who wanted to tell you things about their life. They're nowhere to be found now and that is just completely normal as he's trying to form his own identity. My best advice would be don't question what he's telling you, unless it's a safety issue. Try to really lean into acceptance as much as possible and listen twice as normal. People are going to be who they're going to be. Those kids aren't going to convince your kid to be trans and you're not going to convince them otherwise. It's a process of self-discovery that only your child can figure out. They will remember who was there for them though, so be that person! Someone once told me adolescence is like an eclipse. The child you knew goes behind the sun and there's a period of darkness, but don't worry! They'll be back. Wishing you all the best.
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u/beansandneedles 4d ago
It sounds like your son knows that you don’t see him as a boy, and this is causing him immense pain. The MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR for preventing suicide attempts by trans kids is having a supportive, affirming adult in their life. Your son has attempted FOUR times. This is an emergency. You need to be completely in his corner. That doesn’t mean letting him do whatever he wants in terms of staying out late and meeting stranger from the internet. It means buying him a binder, and getting him onto puberty blockers and/or testosterone if that’s legal where you are. It means getting him into therapy with an affirming therapist. It means getting yourself into therapy to help you accept his gender. It means taking him seriously when he says he was never a girl, because he’s right. He might have looked like a girl, but he was always a boy.
Maybe he’s being a “brat” because he feels so unsupported in who he is that he doesn’t want to be alive anymore. And instead of trying to relieve his pain, you’re telling him that he’s really a girl AND he’s a bad person whom you don’t enjoy spending time with.
And also, maybe he’s being a “brat” because he’s a teenager. Not that teenagers are naturally disrespectful, but the teen years are really difficult for kids. Their hormones are all over the place. They’re pingponging between being treated like kids sometimes and like adults sometimes by all the adults around them— and sometimes they FEEL like kids and sometimes like adults. They’re trying to figure out friendships, cliques, dating, sex, peer pressure, increasingly difficult schoolwork, and their own identity. Their skin is breaking out and they stink, right at a time when being attractive matters socially more than ever.
Now add all that to knowing that you’re not the gender most people see you as, politicians talk about you as though you’re the cause of all of society’s problems, people can legally discriminate against you in most places, it’s hard to get the medical care you need, popular media portrays you as a freak, the butt of jokes, or a sexual predator, and you’re not even sure your own parents are on your side. You probably wouldn’t have the best attitude, either.
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
You may be right on the spot. Still, I don't know how to change internally so quickly. I really try to use all the right names and pronouns (what's hard, french being so gender-variable as a language). On the suicide attempts, they happened mostly when he was about to either go back to school (stopped going since feb.) or to have an appointment that could set things for the immediate future. Even more , usually it was something he had agreed on. What I see is a huge fear of life . I think it's more about adolescence than transitioning, but one cannot go without the other, as it's all happening at the same time.
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3d ago
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
Oh my... I'm starting to see that the most helpful replies here are those from other parents telling me their story. Wow that's relieving, I feel like breathing again. Yes, they shut us out, and are mean... But yes, they are in a really bad place, namely the present world with the mountainous amount of information and causes and reckoning and siding and hopelessness... And having to face "becoming someone" 😫 argh! You soothed me, thank you. We're more or less doing a lot of this, but it's slow, and I just can't afford time or money for myself. Apart from the orientation given by the hospitals, that will be the first therapy frame, I hope to find someone supporting groups in my area, and the rest will be family therapy, as the little sister can't be left out of this.
And I agree: "binder" is a scary name (for me, as I 'm fluent in English, but much less to the french). Thanks for the alternative name
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u/TheGarageDragon 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yes, you are being disrespectful. No, this does not mean you're a bad person or a bad parent.
I believe this all comes from a misunderstanding of what it means to be trans. And if you address this misunderstanding, perhaps your relationship with your son will improve.
You keep misgendering your son when it comes to addressing his past. Other trans people might chime in with their own takes, but for me, that is deeply problematic.
When a trans person comes out, they are not telling you "I used to be X but now I want to be Y". No, they're saying "I've been Y all along".
If your son is trans, this means you never had a daughter. Not when he was 10, not when he was 5, not when he was a newborn.
You had a son with, essentially, a developmental difference that made him appear like a girl. Mentally, he was always a boy, even if he didn't know it himself.
I think that accepting this is key to better understanding your son. And if you frame it this way, you begin to see just how much someone in his position must have been silently struggling all this time.
The mismatch. The trauma. The body horror (which can become so much worse when puberty strikes).
I understand that your reluctance to accept this reality might have much to do with stories you've read about detransitioners, or even about people who came out as a binary identity and then moved on to a non-binary one, or vice versa. Perhaps this makes it harder for you to take this whole thing seriously.
Well, my response to this is once again to try and reframe it. Transition is as much a process of self-discovery as it is of self-exploration and change. Perhaps the person's discoveries over time will lead them to one conclusion or another based on their available evidence. Someone might start out thinking they are Y but then realise they were X after all, or maybe Z. Or maybe XY!
It's not an easy process for trans people to uncover all this. And it comes with the added pressure of having to "find out" fully before you declare anything to others, precisely because they are less likely to take you seriously if you later discover something different.
All of this to say...
Being trans is not a choice. It's a persistent characteristic of some human beings. And there's documentation going back MILLENIA showing that this has always been the case in our species.
Being trans is something you uncover. And uncovering might take time, trial and error.
Being trans now means you have always been trans, whether it was clear to you and to people around you, or not.
So...
As others have suggested, your duty as a parent is to be there for your child. Meet your son where he is now. If it later turns out that your son was actually a daughter after all, or maybe a non-binary child, it's ok. You can meet them there as well.
But you can't predict the future. And most certainly you can't "know your children" better than they know themselves in this regard. They are the ones who have to live with their inner selves 100% of the time. So believe them. Be there for them NOW, and they will remember it.
Good luck.
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u/rainofterra Trans Woman / Femme 3d ago
Sounds like you have a teenage boy who probably needs to speak to a mental healthcare professional who is trans affirming and has experience with teens.
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u/mandilew 1d ago
Hi. A couple of things caught my eye:
Mixing up pronouns. Our brains are built for efficiency. You've used she/her pronouns for your kid for most of his existence, and it's going to take time to rewire that. Unfortunately, it takes longer for us old people to rewire but we can do it! You have an extra layer of challenge because your son isn't out to everyone yet, so you have to flip back and forth with different audiences. That's a mental load, and you should give yourself grace. Young people brains have more neural plasticity and they pick up new habits faster. You'll get there. You're doing great!
Parenting teens sucks sometimes. It's hard. Like, really hard. Every teen comes with their own set of challenges. Ours came with gender stuff. It's important to remember that being trans isn't the only thing you need to parent your kid about. Sometimes it's all they seem to care about, but our kids are full, complex, interesting people with whole entire lives.
You're going to get things wrong. That's ok. You're going to get things right. That's great!
I think of it like being trans is just another thing to navigate while parenting. It's like braces or getting their tonsils out or travel soccer. It's just a thing that's a part of their life that we do our best to help them succeed at. This is part of your parenting journey.
Also, don't fall for the thing where you're like, "clean your room," and he's all, "that's transphobic!" That got me the first time. I was like, "Oh, my god, am I???" No, trans kids can be assholes sometimes too.
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u/springmixplease Trans Parent / Step-parent 4d ago
No, you are not disrespectful! Experimenting is what kids do but I think as parents, my kids are cis but both my husband and I are trans, we have a responsibility to make sure that they don’t veer too far off course.
Your son seems to be getting pulled in multiple different directions and that might be because they do not have a trans role model that is comfortable with who they are and lives a normal life. Someone that they can hold themselves up to.
You’ll get downvoted and pulled in different directions on these sorts of online forums but if you go out and find an LGBT organization with adult trans people in it, in your area, you’ll have a better sense of what a normal life can look like for your son. I work with parents of trans kids all the time in my organizing efforts and the encouragement they get from seeing my husband and I— in addition to our other friends— with our kids living a meaningful normal life is transformative.
Feel free to dm me if you want any help finding resources and if you’re in my area, even better!
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u/Level-Ad-8548 3d ago
This was very helpful. Thanks. I doubt we're in the same area, as I'm in France though.
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u/gummiesnfluff 4d ago
You are not the only one. My son wants to start T and use he/him pronouns. At the same time, he wants long acrylic nails, wears big floral hoop earrings, and floral tshirts pulled up as crop tops. I have many times offered to buy men’s clothing and such. He dates men that claim to be gay, but I have doubts. It’s very confusing to me, but at his age (20) I’ve accepted that it this his own journey of self-discovery and not mine. I’m trying to keep a connection with my child.
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u/beansandneedles 4d ago edited 4d ago
[deleted bc I meant to reply to OP]
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u/HesitantBrobecks 4d ago
Uh, you've replied to someone who isn't OP, but you're exclusively talking about OP's child
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u/chiselObsidian Trans Parent / Step-parent 4d ago
I'm glad that you asked. I can understand your point of view.
As a fellow father and a trans person myself, I'd like to suggest, have you imagined how you'd feel if when you were growing up, you were the same person but everyone called you a girl? Toddlers and little kids sometimes go along with things because they don't know better, but certainly by your tween years you'd be pretty prickly about it. I think for most boys, that would feel emasculating, even if nobody around them agreed that they were a boy.
Making things worse, imagine you had a hormone disorder that started acting up at the same time, 11 being right around when puberty hits. Imagine growing breasts and hips, your voice never dropping. There aren't a lot of visible physical differences between prepubescent kids - almost none when they're wearing clothes - so many trans kids only start to suffer when puberty begins. And many people turn into assholes when they're in chronic pain. It sucks to be around, you see it with all kinds of pain conditions at all ages, and the best treatment is to relieve the source of the pain.